My anger is out of control

LegacyUser

Hi i am going unreged for this I get angry very easily and my anger is out of proporation and its causing alot of pain and suffering for my wife and family.

Basically ive taken my anger out on my loved ones but i can control it in work situations. My wife has left me and has taken our little 14 month old girl with her as she is afraid that i may hurt her. I would never hurt either of them physically and have never laid a hand on my wife and never would.
When i get angry i shout and say the most hurtfull things to her ive thrown items around also and broke stuff around the house [ as i read this as i write this i am really ashamed of myself ]. I have tried several anger management courses, CBT therapy, Hypno therapy but nothing has worked or helped me long term. Ive attended my doctor in the past when feeling down and was prescribed a mild anti depresent.

This is destroying my life and the people around me i really need help i dont know what to do? This is not the first time my wife has left me the last time we did not have our little girl and she does not want our little girl seeing this behaviour from me.

Has anybody on here gone through this om really looking for help

Thanks for reading

foxinsox

If you can control it at work, you have the ability to control it at home.

I'm no expert nor do I have any qualification to advise you, but I'll try.

I would suggest returning to your doctor, print out your post and show it to him/her.

If you drink, stop completely.

If a stranger on the street spoke to your wife the way you do, how would that make you feel?

If you saw a mate behaving the way you do to his wife? In front of a small child?

I think she has done the right thing by leaving, she is minding herself and your child.

I do think that by writing your post, you do realise this is serious, you must do whatever you can to fix this asap.

Please visit your doctor and ask for help. It may not be meds you need. But a good doctor should be able to point you in the right direction.

Best of luck, I believe you are the only one who can fix this, with professional help.

Payton

unregs wrote: »

Hi i am going unreged for this I get angry very easily and my anger is out of proporation and its causing alot of pain and suffering for my wife and family.

Basically ive taken my anger out on my loved ones but i can control it in work situations. My wife has left me and has taken our little 14 month old girl with her as she is afraid that i may hurt her. I would never hurt either of them physically and have never laid a hand on my wife and never would.
When i get angry i shout and say the most hurtfull things to her ive thrown items around also and broke stuff around the house [ as i read this as i write this i am really ashamed of myself ]. I have tried several anger management courses, CBT therapy, Hypno therapy but nothing has worked or helped me long term. Ive attended my doctor in the past when feeling down and was prescribed a mild anti depresent.

This is destroying my life and the people around me i really need help i dont know what to do? This is not the first time my wife has left me the last time we did not have our little girl and she does not want our little girl seeing this behaviour from me.

Has anybody on here gone through this om really looking for help

Thanks for reading

Hi OP, firstly you have admitted that you have an issue with your anger. With some help and a lot of effort you might be able to salvage something of your family life.
If you drink or do drugs STOP, for your own sake.
There is an organisation called MOVE (men over coming violence) If you Google them you should find contact details.
Seek a good counseling service and learn what triggers these outrages it might take time or a couple of different services but stay with it...look at the goal what lies ahead.
We are living in a very stressfull tie at the moment and sometimes things just build up and we don't know how to deal with so much going on.
I think you have caused your family a lot of distress and fear through your actions and behavior. You are the only one who can change.....only if you want to.
Best of luck.

tinkerbell

Your anger is not out of control, OP. you control it at work because you know they wouldn't let you get away with that type of behaviour. You do it at home because you don't think there will be any consequences. However, there are - your wife has left you and taken your daughter with her, and righty so since you cannot be trusted. Go back to your doctor and get help. How do you control it at work? Can you not apply the same logic at home?

LegacyUser

Hi many thanks for the replies so far.

Ive made a appointment for the doctor for Friday. I dont really drink that much maybe a few pints once a week i dont take drugs and have no interest in drugs. We had a arguement last weekend but not infront of our baby she was away. We are attending marraige counselling together but i stormed out of or session last Monday. I totally understand that my wife has walked out and brought our little girl with her as she has always said that she does not want to see our little girl seeing me like this. This is not the first time she has left me a few years ago she walked out but eventually came back and all was ok until i started getting angry again. As said in my first post ive been to a few different counsellers but nothing has worked long term. I really want to stop this happening and gain the trust back from my wife i know it will not happen over night but for my own sake i need to find out whats happening and why and sort it. She has said that or marraige is over and i think i will never get her back im really ashamed of myself and ive really hurt all the people that i love so much.

tinkerbell

OP, what is the difference between controlling your anger at work and not controlling it at home? If you have anger issues, then presumably you get annoyed at work as well but you just keep your mouth shut and get over it. Why can't you do that at home? What is it that you lose the plot over at home? Is it everything or specific things?

Your wife is right in what she is doing in leaving you unless you sort out your problems. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical - you say you haven't hit her but you've probably said some pretty awful things to her or she might even be afraid of you because of your moods (she must be since she's taken the baby away).

Do you do any sports? Maybe if you were at the gym or whatever, that might calm you down a bit since you can get your frustration out at the gym.

Big Bag of Chips

I imagine your wife spends a huge part of her life with a knot in her stomach. She probably dreads little, tiny, inconsequential things that in the normal run of an ordinary day in anyone else's lives would mean nothing.

But in her house it could mean broken crockery, a roaring husband, silent treatment, awful atmosphere... and all over something very trivial.

I agree with tinkerbell - if you can control it in work you can control it at home. You carry on like this with you wife, because you think she will put up with it. You know that if you do it in work, you will end up jobless. Well your wife is letting you know that if you do it at home you will end up single.

You left your wife with no option. You did it once, she gave you a chance.. I'm sure you were full of apologies and promises it would never happen again.... and then it did. If she had stayed, she was giving you the green light to treat her badly, and you would have continued. And while she may consider putting up with that treatment herself, she will do everything she can to protect her daughter from growing up in that sort of house.

This is not all about you. It's about her/them. She has a right to be happy, and at ease and relaxed. Living with you must be like walking on a knife edge.. always waiting for it to happen again.

The more your wife put up with, the more you would think you could get away with, and the less likely you would be to change. You shouldn't beg her back with empty promises. You should do everything you can now to prove to her that you will do everything you can to change, and you will not take her for granted.

It has to be her decision to come back. All you can do now is work on sorting yourself out, and hope that she sees you are capable of change. Leave her alone for now. Anything you say at the moment is just words and empty promises until you can back it up with real evidence and proof that you are changing. It should not happen over night (or even in the next week or two), because if it does then nothing has changed.

So if it takes a month, 6 months, a year whatever, that is what it takes.

Don't pressure her, or beg her to see sense, or fogive you etc... none of this is her doing...

Edit: And no matter what you say, she doesn't know/trust that you will never lay a finger on her.

curlzy

Hey OP,

So you can control it work but not anywhere else? Sounds like a cop out. Also you should be ashamed of yourself. Your poor wife and daughter, out of the house at christmas : (

I read a marvelous book called "mental health through will training" (http://www.amazon.com/Mental-Health-Through-Will-Training/dp/0915005018). I honestly haven't had a tantrum since, however, you may be beyond this book. It's hard going though and there's no point if you're not honest with yourself. You basically need to cop on and realise, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF. No one is making you behave like this. You're indulging a very very nasty part of yourself. Go and get help, your daughter needs a Daddy not a Monster and your wife needs a husband not a monster.


Best of luck to you all.

foxinsox

Hi op,

I hope you doctor was able to help you a bit today.

You can fix this.

LegacyUser

Hi OP...

I know exactly what you are going through... I am a woman in my late 20s and like you have suffered with major anger issues. And I have come thru it....

I had issues with my anger as a teenager and then again in my mid twenties.. I was not only emotionally abusive but on more than one occasion physically hit my fiance (after a serious amount of alcohol- I am not saving it excuses anything. I am merely saving I lost that bit of control so its really important for me not to drink when I am angry). This is the most shameful thing I have ever had to type but I was abusive. Earlier this year I decided I needed help and went to a counsellor and have never looked back.

I am basing the following on my own experiences, my advice to you would be

1) Go to a counsellor who specialises or has a good knowledge about the topic. Make sure you are comfortable with this counsellor. If you are not, change counsellor and keep changing until you find a counsellor you are comfortable with.

2) Couples counselling may not be the best idea right now.. these are YOUR issues, you need to deal with them.

3) give it 100%. a counsellor is not there to judge you, they are there to help you. if you are not 100% committed and do not be 100% honest with both yourself and the counsellor, then you are wasting your time. if it involves bringing up painful memories, do it. you have a massive motivation to get this sorted now, however long it takes and however painful it may be. For me, my anger was from a childhood issue and it was incredible painful to talk about it. But I had to do it and I am so so so glad I did... I am so much happier and saved my relationship.

I am not completely there yet... I have been going to counselling for about 8 months now and have reduced the frequency of my visits to once a month. It was a very tough couple of months but it will be worth it. Its not a quick fix but please stick with it.. when I feel really angry now I go for a run or a walk and pound the anger out.. if I feel angry for a few days and feel it setting back in at all I try to get an appointment as quickly as possible and try to focus on that.. But those days are getting fewer now. I have a few more sessions left to deal with certain things but after that I plan on going once every 3 months for the next few years, just to make sure I stay on track until I feel confident enough that I have completely changed.

I totally get what you mean when you say you are fine in work.. Its not like you consciously value your work life over family life but we do tend to take our anger out on the people closest to us.

I am not a regular poster but will be keeping an eye on this thread so if you wanna ask me any more about my own experiences, then ask away.

Finally OP, you have the biggest motivation in the world to get this sorted so however hard it is and however long it takes you have to do it. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

op maybe the reason you take it out on your wife is because you bottle it up at work? i have a parent like this. holds back in public but takes it out on family

Kimia

I don't agree that a successful marriage is the responsibility of one person. If you and your wife are going to have a chance at stayin together, you both will have to address issues in your marriage.

Of course it's not acceptable to be throwing things and yelling, and I understand why your wife left. What really stands out to me is you seem to have terrible communication skills.

For you to be that angry and demonstrating that type of behaviour, that suggests to me that you may feel you have no voice unless you raise it. Perhaps you feel your wife doesn't listen t you or that you're not important.

You need to work very hard on your communication. If you feel upset about something, there are appropriate ways of discussing it that don't involve scaring people.

You're not a monster and don't wallow too much in guilt. This is an important lesson and a great opportunity to become a better person. Work on expressing yourself properly and respectfully. All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi many thanks for all of the advice i went to my doctor and i am going to see a counsellor as soon as possible and work hard on myself. Ive had a horrible dose of the flu since thursday so ive not had much time to talk to my wife. My wife and or baby came home on Friday and one thing that struck home is the fact that i could lose my little girl and this is the momentum i need to carry forward. Going forward when i feel that im going to get my anger out of control my tridder taught will be or little girl i really need to work on this really hard and help myself.

We briefly spoke about this and she does not trust me which i understand and trust will not happen over night im well aware of that. I had a good chat with my doctor and she gave me a good kick in the ass which is what i really need. Thinking back to when i was growing up my temper was brushed aside by my parents and i thought i could get away with it with other people but thats not the case.

As already said ive alot of hard work ahead and this work has to continue but the main goal for me is a happy better commicator in me and a happy trusting wife and loving daughter.

Thanks for reading

Sakinah

I believe having grown up in a very turbulent household that some people use anger as a way of expressing insecurity and also disappointment with the way their life has gone.

I think u need to ask urself how do u really feel when u are at ur most furious?

Do u pick fights because u want ur wife to come forward and try to patch things up after? If so, then perhaps u are one of those people who feels the need to test the boundaries of their relationship to see how far u can go- its like an affirmation of love from a person if they take a ton of ur anger and are the person desperate to make up.

Are u unhappy with ur life outside ur marriage and somehow feel that things might have been different if u hadn't settled down?

Do u feel like a 'victim' ; that nothing ever goes right for u and somehow apportion blame for this to ur wife?

I saw someone overcome their anger issues by following a few straightforward steps: ( which may not work at all for u):

When furious , sit down and if u still don't feel better then lie down. Sounds ridiculous I know but very few people can maintain a shouting match lying down, ur instinct is to stand up.

When u feel the need to insult / complain challenge urself to compliment the person instead.

Realise that over used anger is a bit like 'the boy who cried wolf' syndrome. When ur anger is justified instead of being an overreaction, no one can tell the difference so when u are just irritated or frustrated then try to talk thru ur feelings calmly in an object way- as in 'I'm struggling to stay calm because of xyz' immediately it may feel lighter in ur chest.

As an 8 year old girl I gently pulled my fathers fist away from my mothers face one Christmas Day before he could hit her. You do not want that for your daughter. Keep getting counselling and examining ur anger triggers and what provokes u and challenge urself to deliberately act differently the next time the feeling comes over u.

meoklmrk91

I went through a very violent stage in my teens, I never hit anybody but honestly there were times when it came very close, it got so bad that I would not remember what had happened afterwards, I brine countless thing in the house, but a dent in a concrete wall with a glass bottle, once tried to break down a door to get to someone, had to be dragged physically away from someone.

I was very quiet when in my teens and was bullied an awful lot, especially by a member of my family. And eventually it all built up and I went pretty much crazy, would fly off the handle at any moment and was a dangerous person when I did. Then I would get into the car and drive angry, never a good idea. I had been going for counselling at the time and it brought up so much stuff for me, I was so angry that I felt incapeable of holding my temper, but the truth is I was. I just didn't have the tools to deal with it.

I continued with the counselling, I removed the bully from my life. I still have a temper but it very rarely comes out and when it does I know how to control it. Nothing rational was ever said in a fight so there is no point in continuing it. I completely remove myself from the situation and if the other person tries to follow me of goad me into loosing it completely I will walk out the front door and keep on walking, most people won't follow you outside in an argument as what will the neighbours think comes into play.

I have gone back to being a little too quiet and lost a lot of confidence, which I am trying to get back. It's nice when people respect you but to have them respect you because of fear is terrible. I am actually fearful of confrontation now where I never was before simply because I don't want to fly off the handle. But avoidance isn't healthy either.

Depression could be an issue for you if you have severe anger problems, I once heard that depression is just rage turned inwards and I believe that to be true, in my case atleast. You sound like you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with and there is a lot at stake if you don't. You have admitted you have a serious problem which is the first step. I wish you the best of luck in the world.