How to make peace with being alone / single

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I really need some advice as I'm driving myself mad.

I really want to make peace with being alone/single. Can someone tell me how I can do this?

I'm 37, haven't had a boyfriend in 12 years, haven't had a date in 7 years. In this time I lived my life, took up loads of hobbies. I did this for myself, not with the sole purpose of meeting someone. As a result of being on my own this length, I'm very independent, travelled on my own, live on my own. I'm not really afraid of anything. I like how I've turned out, in fact.
I have a real passion for life and get such a buzz from it. I love discovering new things.
I'm in the middle of starting my own business doing something I adore, so I'm lucky in that sense.

Still I can't quell the feeling that there is a hole in my life, despite all my interests. Each Christmas it gets harder to face the fact I'm alone. 
I suppose it doesn't help that I don't have very close relationships with my friends. I have tried to cultivate these relationships but I always feel at arms length.
It's gotten harder recently when my brother who I've always had a close bond with, started getting serious with his girlfriend and I rarely see him and recently when I do, we've had fights. The fights haven't been over that I never see him, because I accept this is what happens. I just feel we are losing the closeness we had and it makes me sad.

Anyway I am going off the point. I am a mostly happy person, I am very grateful for what I have in life. I don't go around all needy. I usually put the non-boyfriend thing to the back of my mind.

I just want to add that I'm an attractive girl, I look after myself, I'm not high maintenance. I'm a bit of a tomboy too and I would make a great girlfriend. I see girls nagging their boyfriends all the time and I would never do this. I would give a guy loads of space.

I started a sport recently that I really love and it has given me such joy. In the background I noticed a guy and I developed a crush on him. It was a guy that I wouldn't normally go for, it was his personality that won me over. 
I was starting to get excited at the prospect of meeting someone and maybe something happening.
 Anyway I got to know him a bit and I thought the feeling was mutual. I never asked him out but I just got the impression that he doesn't have the same interest. 
I feel like a fool. And now I feel really down. 

I need to make peace with the fact that I'm single and there is a very real chance that I will be like this for my life.

I know that may sound melodramatic. But when you're alone for the length that I've been, it starts to look like a real possibility. (also don't get me started on the possibility of children )

How do you do this? I thought by living your life and doing your own thing, things would work themselves out.

I really don't want to become a bitter person. I miss companionship but if I can't have it, I need to be able to accept that.

Thank you

fits

Makepeace123 wrote: »

I just want to add that I'm an attractive girl, I look after myself, I'm not high maintenance. I'm a bit of a tomboy too and I would make a great girlfriend. I see girls nagging their boyfriends all the time and I would never do this. I would give a guy loads of space.

I know what you mean by this, but I just want to say that guys arent necessarily looking for a placid partner. They are looking for an equal. I dont mean that one should nag, but good boundaries and not putting up with sh1t is important. Thats what I think anyway, I was far too passive in the past.

As for getting to peace with it. I dont know, its not easy. It sounds like you have a great, full life and keep doing what you're doing. Someone would be lucky to have you in their life.

cantdecide

Why didn't you ask the guy out? TBH, I reckon the best thing to do is ask someone out before you become too emotionally involved with someone. You meet someone, you like them, you ask them out. You get a yes or a no and either way you move forward before you get too invested.

Bear in mind that not all guys are going to like all girls. I wouldn't try too hard to be this or that or the other. You may be someone that people assume is spoken for. Some people just don't get approached as much as others for some reason. Some of us just have something in the way we hold ourselves that make other people think twice about approaching us. It was a realisation for the other day to see that I get really nervous about speaking to nice and shy girls especially- doesn't that seem upside down.

paulap

wow seems were living the same life, why is it for us ladies in our thirties feeling were missing out as we have put our lives into me time following our interests etc. having overly invested too early maybe consider girly nights out and going with the flow, i think maybe the idea of being with someone makes us feel were missing out but then when we are and unhappy we wish we had just stayed where we were............not sure ive even answered your question but im interested to see how things go
all the best

hey, im 37, having broke up with my live-in long term boyfriend 5 yrs ago, in this time i have met a couple of guys, but no-one i feel was long term material.

i dont know what would help you come to terms with the situation as you see it. i do know exactly what you're looking for though. people will come on here and tell you not to give up hope, you will find the person for you when you're not looking etc etc blah blah blah

thats not what you need, its not what i need. yea great, if it happens, but i presume you're like me and dont want to have that hope always there in the background just to wake up some morn and feel let down/depressed by your life.

i do feel lonely occassionally, not so much for a boyfriend, just someone to do things with. all myfriends are settled down/married/have kids etc..
i spend time with them but its not the same.

i realised in the last few years that i have a great life, really great. i appreciate what i have and i really enjoy it.
sometimes, not very often though!!, i do think it would be nice to have a boyfriend/husband and kids. even just a few days ago it hit me that i am unlikely to have kids, and even though it has never been a huge thing for me, i still felt sad. for half hour or so!!

i just think that being grateful every day for what you have will help, a lot!!

i had three holidays this year, i have already planned next years. and dont let being single stop you. i am not the most sociable person in the world but there are plenty of holidays that suit me. honestly.

i have become so much happier in myself the last 2 or 3 years and every day i try to think about something good in my life and i am thankful for it.
( not a religious/god thing just say thank god my job/ life/ family /friends are great etc etc )

i reckon this positive attitude helps me not to think or dwell on what i dont have.

countryliving

hi there, i agree with the last post.
i am going to be 39 tomorrow and like you i am trying to come to terms with being single and perhaps never having children. and - you have got to be positive every day for small things. just the very small things and happy to have your health or that you are able to go and play sport etc. be grateful.

i have accepted that - being married and rearing children is very hard and requires 24 7 attention. sometimes we all have different roads and paths in life for sure. i look at 2 sisters who live up the road from my parents and they have a great life and are very happy.

and you never know you may meet that someone special. never ever lose hope.
as for the guy that you have the crush on - is'nt that great that you can feel that and you have the potential to fall in love. also - guys can sometimes be lacking in confidence or intimiated by you - also you never know what is going on in other people's lives...but why are you feeling like a fool ? you didnt ask him out? if you fancy him - would you go for it and ask to meet him for a coffee or do you have a function/event - is your sports club that you are both involved in - having a christmas party? dont feel like a fool - we only live once - put yourself in the way of him and you never know........
i have a cousin who is 43 / 44 and i would have considered a complete spinster never going out in fact i would have thought nearly anti-men.
she is now going out with a great chap treats her like a princess and they are madly in love she didnt go out with anyone since she was 22. i am so happy for her and she has given me hope.

dont feel alone - there is so many of us singletons on this journey through life.

CaraMay

My friend and I both met guys (and had / are having kids) when older than you.

LegacyUser

I could be you OP with one major difference I don't feel theres any missing hole in my life. Heading quickly towards 40 I'm very happy with my life and can't really see myself ever being anything but single. Never say never as they say as you don't know what life will throw at you tomorrow but I've never felt I'm missing out or my life isn't complete due to the lack of a partner. I don't think this is something you can "make peace with" you either are at peace with it or your not and if your not then keep an open mind. You can either actively go looking or hope you meet someone along the way without searching them out but it really doesn't sound like your ready to just give up on the notion of a long term relationship.

daisybelle2008

OP, I agree with the above poster, it is not something to be trying to 'make peace with'. That is working off the position that it is an undesirable situation that you need to force yourself to tolerate. You use the words 'alone' and 'single' interchangeably and say you don't want to get bitter, why is bitter even an option. Bitter with who or what?. Getting bitter is only causing yourself to suffer.
Single is not a situation it is just a label. You are still the same person whether you are single or in a relationship. At some level for you, being in a relationship is tied up with your self worth. Your only options are not 'bitter', 'hopeful', 'tolerating'. I would also say that hope is not necessary either and kind of contradicts the position you are trying to achieve.
If you work from a position that being happy as the only objective regardless of relationship status then you can better achieve the peace you think you want and not depend on another person to fulfill that for you.

fits

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

If you work from a position that being happy as the only objective regardless of relationship status then you can better achieve the peace you think you want and not depend on another person to fulfill that for you.

Ah come on...

I know what you mean, but its perfectly reasonable and natural to want a partner in life. A lot of people are sad when it doesn't happen for them. It doesn't mean they are sad or depressed in general, but most people would prefer to be in a relationship than not and there's nothing wrong with that.

liquoriceall

Im just wondering is it the life partner thing or the family life thing? I had decided when I was nearing 30 that if I was still single at 35 I would go ahead & have a baby anyway because for me its the family life Ive had as non negiotable

bassy

Makepeace123 wrote: »

Hi everyone. I really need some advice as I'm driving myself mad.

I really want to make peace with being alone/single. Can someone tell me how I can do this?

I'm 37, haven't had a boyfriend in 12 years, haven't had a date in 7 years. In this time I lived my life, took up loads of hobbies. I did this for myself, not with the sole purpose of meeting someone. As a result of being on my own this length, I'm very independent, travelled on my own, live on my own. I'm not really afraid of anything. I like how I've turned out, in fact.
I have a real passion for life and get such a buzz from it. I love discovering new things.
I'm in the middle of starting my own business doing something I adore, so I'm lucky in that sense.

Still I can't quell the feeling that there is a hole in my life, despite all my interests. Each Christmas it gets harder to face the fact I'm alone. 
I suppose it doesn't help that I don't have very close relationships with my friends. I have tried to cultivate these relationships but I always feel at arms length.
It's gotten harder recently when my brother who I've always had a close bond with, started getting serious with his girlfriend and I rarely see him and recently when I do, we've had fights. The fights haven't been over that I never see him, because I accept this is what happens. I just feel we are losing the closeness we had and it makes me sad.

Anyway I am going off the point. I am a mostly happy person, I am very grateful for what I have in life. I don't go around all needy. I usually put the non-boyfriend thing to the back of my mind.

I just want to add that I'm an attractive girl, I look after myself, I'm not high maintenance. I'm a bit of a tomboy too and I would make a great girlfriend. I see girls nagging their boyfriends all the time and I would never do this. I would give a guy loads of space.

I started a sport recently that I really love and it has given me such joy. In the background I noticed a guy and I developed a crush on him. It was a guy that I wouldn't normally go for, it was his personality that won me over. 
I was starting to get excited at the prospect of meeting someone and maybe something happening.
 Anyway I got to know him a bit and I thought the feeling was mutual. I never asked him out but I just got the impression that he doesn't have the same interest. 
I feel like a fool. And now I feel really down. 

I need to make peace with the fact that I'm single and there is a very real chance that I will be like this for my life.

I know that may sound melodramatic. But when you're alone for the length that I've been, it starts to look like a real possibility. (also don't get me started on the possibility of children )

How do you do this? I thought by living your life and doing your own thing, things would work themselves out.

I really don't want to become a bitter person. I miss companionship but if I can't have it, I need to be able to accept that.

Thank you

Hi if you would like to chat,drop me a pm.
I understand where your coming from and as I've said would like to chat with you.

WaltKowalski

bubblypop wrote:

i just think that being grateful every day for what you have will help, a lot!!

i reckon this positive attitude helps me not to think or dwell on what i dont have.

Great attitude to have, no matter what your relationship status!

I used to feel like you OP, but things have happened that put things into perspective for me.
I'm so grateful for what I have.

Sure, regular sex would be great! But then a relationship doesn't apparently guarantee that.

Your lifestyle is probably the envy of some who are burdened with the commitments a relationship may bring.

Taltos

bassy and others - if you have not already done so please review our charter before you post again.

We clearly call out never to ask an OP to PM you. Repeated breaches of our charter or of this may result in the loss of your posting privileges.

Thanks
Taltos

jimmycrackcorm

Makepeace123 wrote: »

I just want to add that I'm an attractive girl, I look after myself, I'm not high maintenance. I'm a bit of a tomboy too and I would make a great girlfriend. I see girls nagging their boyfriends all the time and I would never do this. I would give a guy loads of space.

Some of your post doesn't make sense. Generally I don't think guys appreciate tomboys! If you are attractive - then surely you will get hit upon when you are out - what happens then? Are your rejecting advances because of your standards - you mention that you took a liking to someone you usually wouldn't, so is that an indication that you are normally fussy perhaps?

Buncha Fives

OP: I would pretty much say I am a male version of you. At this stage I have kind of lost hope of ever meeting someone who I will really connect with. I am 33 and am decent looking (dont mean that in a big headed way) I attract a lot of attention from the ladies and I have been on so many dates etc. but at this stage I am kind of sick of it and I am not even looking much anymore.

I am kind of clinging on to the hope that things will fall into place in my life and if its suppose to be it will be, I have tried to accept the situation I am in without panicing about it and for most part it works but in certain situations being single leaves me very lonesome...weddings etc. and family events. I have a huge amount of friends both male and female and in fairness it is the main thing that keeps me going, I think when your in the position we are in your friends are vital and it counteracts being single to an extent and hopefully some day things will work out.

Emme

OP, I think there is a certain stage that some of us singles get to when we realise that we probably won't meet somebody or the chances of that are very slim. It is hard to make peace with that.

I turn 42 very soon and in the last two years have been trying to make peace with being single forever and accept my lot. I've decided to lower my expectations - instead of expecting to meet somebody who could be my partner I am now grateful if somebody I'm attracted to wants to spend time with me in a FWB situation. If I'm lucky enough to date someone more likely than not he will be dating other women as well. I know that's not ideal but realistically I cannot expect much more. I'm not going to give any man seven strong sons at this stage so there's no point in a man marrying or committing to a woman like me. Why should I expect an exclusive relationship when at my age I have so little to offer?

Also a lot of women my age who are married or in relationships seem to get cheated on. I'm convinced that the monogamous couple is either dying out or is a myth - that many couples stay together for the sake of it, put on a face for the public but in private one or both partners cheat on a regular basis.

I have friends and a busy life that keeps my mind off things. There are times when I'd love nothing more than to have a partner, but the possibilities of that are slim and I have to accept that and make the most of life as it is.

Grab every chance of happiness that comes your way and don't let people judge you - they haven't walked a mile in your shoes as a single person. Don't expect the world - it's better to have a little short-term fun if it brings you some happiness in the short run. Holding out for the impossible is what makes people bitter.

Again, some of us, particularly women, come to a stage where we have to make peace with being single forever and there's no shame in that.

WaltKowalski

Emme, I find your post very sad reading.

realgirl

Emme wrote: »

I'm not going to give any man seven strong sons at this stage so there's no point in a man marrying or committing to a woman like me. Why should I expect an exclusive relationship when at my age I have so little to offer?

Don't expect the world - it's better to have a little short-term fun if it brings you some happiness in the short run. Holding out for the impossible is what makes people bitter.

There's a massive difference between having realistic expectations and a low feeling of self worth. You have plenty to offer a man just by simply offering yourself. That's all any of us have to offer anyway, no matter what our age or situation is. Granted if no kids is a deal breaker for someone, then you are probably incompatible with that person, but there are many other reasons for being with someone exclusively and committing to them. I feel sad about what you posted because it seems that you think you're not a worthwhile partner for someone, and I don't believe that's true at all.
OP if you feel the need to make peace with being single then you are obviously not that happy about it. I think a good counsellor could really help you out with this and working out how to continue on happily in your life regardless of relationship status. Good luck.

Emme

Sorry if my post was sad. I think the realisation that we could be single forever is a sort of loss, a kind of bereavement. We have to mourn our hopes, adjust to life as it is and make the most of things. We have to work through the grief and go through the 3 stages of denial, anger and acceptance.

Denial: No, I'm not going to be single forever, there is somebody out there who wants an exclusive relationship with me so I'll keep looking. So we keep looking, going to dating events where women outnumber men by 5 to 1, online dating where men date 5 women at a time and taking up hobbies we don't really like in the hope of finding someone but finding that the club is full of women who joined for the same reason. The hobbies we enjoy are also full of women but that's ok! We look for suitable single men everywhere but there aren't any, every man our age seems to be taken.

Anger: It's not fair that I'm single, what have I done wrong, I played by the rules all my life, never cheated, was a nice girl, never two-timed, I don't deserve this! I tried to be a good girlfriend when I was in a relationship, was I not exciting enough? Maybe I should't have held onto my virginity so long when I was younger and taken up the offers of casual sex when they were coming in thick and fast. But I was holding out for THE ONE or failing that, a committed relationship but that doesn't exist!
Some people never move out of the anger stage and are bitter about being single all their lives.

Acceptance: This is how things are, I will most likely be single for the rest of my life. The chances of me being in an exclusive relationship are very slim. I am blessed to have good friends, male and female. If I need some closeness with somebody I will not turn down a good opportunity if I and the other person aren't hurting anybody. I do not see this as settling for less, but taking life in it's stride and living one day at a time, living like this day could be my last.

WaltKowalski

Emme wrote: »

It's not fair that I'm single, what have I done wrong, I played by the rules all my life, never cheated, was a nice girl, never two-timed, I don't deserve this!

Puts me in mind of this song-

The Lumineers
"Ho Hey"

(Ho!) (Hey!) (Ho!) (Hey!)

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right (Hey!) I've been living a lonely life (Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead (Hey!)I've been sleeping in my bed, (Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed (Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family (Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed (Ho!) I don't know where I belong (Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong (Ho!) But I can write a song (Hey!)

<MOD SNIP - youtube / other videos not acceptable here>

Emme

WaltKowalski wrote: »

Puts me in mind of this song-

The Lumineers
"Ho Hey"

(Ho!) (Hey!) (Ho!) (Hey!)

(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right (Hey!) I've been living a lonely life (Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead (Hey!)I've been sleeping in my bed, (Ho!) I've been sleeping in my bed (Hey!)

(Ho!)

(Ho!) So show me family (Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed (Ho!) I don't know where I belong (Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong (Ho!) But I can write a song (Hey!)

<Mod Snip>

Good band

CaraMay

Emme, I agree with you. I think it's important to let go of the preconceived ideas of how life will pan out. Nothing can be taken for granted. I think it's important to take pleasure in the moment and see where it takes you.

Jenneke87

This is completly off-topic and just a random thought and if it doesn't belong here then Mods please delete, but almost all of the female posters in this tread report a lack of real friendship because all of their other friends are already settled and don't have time to meet up. Of course, I have no idea where all of you live in Ireland but is there no way you girls can come together in some way and maybe form new friendships with people you can relate to on some level? I know there's a meet up forum in the Ladies Lounge but considering som many women/men seem to be in the same boat maybe a new tread might be warrented?

I wish you all the best of luck finding a partner. Emme, your post did made me sad as well, I don't know you but I don't think having such low expectation is going to serve you in any way. Please allow yourself to hope for more

Taltos

WaltKowalski - your two posts in this thread are in breach of our charter.

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If you have no constructive advice to give in a civil manner please don't post. This not the place for discussions, musing or similar, all such posts are considered off topic and can result in mod action.

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Thanks
Taltos

hollypink

I can identify with the OP and Emme as I'm also in my late thirties and it's a very long time since I was in a relationship and I too thought that by living my life fully, travelling and being independent and so on, that I would eventually meet someone special and I never did. But I dont want to make peace with being single because I really believe it will happen someday. I have had dark moments when I was convinced that there was something fundamentally wrong with me but I know rationally that my self esteem played a role in my singledom.

I'm trying online dating and although I wouldnt say I'm having much success, I feel that by going on a few dates, at least I am leaving myself open to possibilities. I suppose I would say I am hopeful if not hugely confident that I will eventually meet someone and will be glad then that I didnt give up.

LegacyUser

I find this thread a bit confusing to be honest.

I'm in my mid-thirties, ok/average looking, interesting person. I never found it particularly difficult to be in a relationship. I'm not bragging here but I'm curious about your take on the issue...

First of all, having a full life but feeling something is missing happens to everybody.

If you were married, you would probably feel the same - you would be thinking about how much fun you could be having if you were single. Been there, done that. Each time my ex would throw a fit for something silly (watch soccer on tv/wash the dishes etc), or we would be out and I'd see a super cute guy, or I would arrive home and just wanted to listen to my music and have a glass of wine and there he was sitting at my couch and willing to talk about the dry-cleaner and what happen to his shirt - all these times I was feeling so incomplete and just thinking, "ahhh wouldn't it be great if I was single??"
Grass is greener and all that jazz.

Also, I think a lot of married people - and parents - don't share their true feelings with their friends, or maybe don't even allow themselves to entertain thoughts of "damn, this marriage is dull/going no where/I feel trapped" or "my kids are brats who only contact me when they want something". Especially among women. I don't believe any situation is perfect - family, job, you name it. So when people insist in saying that "everything is absolutely perfect", sorry, I think there's more to it.
But that makes the single people think they missed out.

It's true things get more difficult after 30 since a lot of the guys have married. But a few strategies are:
- Have lots of friends. If they all married/emmigrated, make new ones. Younger friends. Gay friends (usually much more into dating then long relationships). Foreigners. People out of your usual circle of friends.
- Younger guys
- You make the first move - great with shy guys
- Divorced guys/guys already with kids
- Online dating
- Lowering expectations - and this doesn't need to be sad. Maybe before you were looking for a rich guy with a great car. Now you may realise that a guy with no car who works on a nearby shop can be equally sweet, supportive and fun. You might have to accept he wont wear a suit and take you on a cruise, but so what?

Ah, and very important: never come across as the typical mid-30s desperate woman. Play it had to get, if you wish. Even better - do not allow yourself to get emotionally involved/attached/hopeful until many months into the relationship. They notice that, and if things go wrong, you don't get hurt either.

countryliving

yes - that is good advice
emme - i was sad reading your email
you can never lose hope ever
honestly i have been on the scene for 20 years and boy have i been rejected, kicked in the teeth hurt so so badly - i am lucky i get attention from guys when i go out (but that is hit and miss too) - but the last few weekends for example i have met 3 guys (1 guy i worked with 6 years ago) and the guy last night took my number the 2 prior to that asked me to text them. i got a response from the guy i worked with.
honestly my heart is broken im scratching my head wondering-where did i go wrong? how come im single.
but - i have not lost hope.
my friend who is older than me 43 married a younger guy during the summer after 4 years of going out. this girl is not social like myself and hated the scene and going out but i am delighted for her - they are now trying for a baby. so - life is strange and turns up the most amazing surprises!
dont ever ever lose hope.
yes i would love companionship and romance and love and i hope between now and when i die i will find it.
i have hope that maybe next weekend if i am lucky that i meet a guy i like or get chatted up that maybe he will ring me or text me and we will have a date...i keep hoping and having a laugh in the meantime
the grass is always greener... as well marriage is hard
i went into my local mcdonalds yesterday evening and saw a neighbour and he was so bored sitting there with his wife and 2 small kids. i passed myself and said hello to my neighbour and his wife just gave me a filty look. i have to say they looked miserable and i saw him out on the town last night so .... not every marriage is perfect - not every couple is happy. marriage is hard.
but - yes is unfair as well as some couples i feel rub it in your face that they are so happily married - my brother and his wife for example who are expecting their first child. it is hard as i may never have a child but who knows...
let us keep hoping and getting out there or doing our hobbies or walking the dog! who knows where we will meet mr right...:)

dellas1979

I think anyways, that the only way for you to come to terms with being single (forever as you put it) is to loose hope.

I think from your first post, you might have said or incinuated that you'd lost all hope, but I dont think you have. Because if you have lost all hope, then it really wouldnt matter to you-you would have come to terms with it already.

I think there is a fine line between hoping for something realistic and hoping for something unrealistic. Hoping to meet someone is 100% realistic and wonderful and keeps you open to possibilities and it could happen.

I think that you want to loose hope, because then you wont feel so vulnerable to it all. It will harden you up and close you off to many possibilities and you wont have to deal with the feelings of rejection and everything that comes with meeting someone.

Reesy

Makepeace123 wrote: »

I suppose it doesn't help that I don't have very close relationships with my friends. I have tried to cultivate these relationships but I always feel at arms length

These 2 sentences stood out for me. Perhaps your difficulties in making close relationships are the the thing that's hindering you most?
- Maybe it would be worth talking it through with a professional?
- If you think this might be worth discussing, would you like to explain more to us about relationships (with men or women) and your struggles to get close?

Good luck, you brave woman.

LegacyUser

I think this issue (that of thinking in predisposed ways, that events are somehow determined etc) is indicative of a wider 'problem'. It's our default setting to think in terms of probability and to anticipate likely outcomes, but it's not reality nor does it correspond to events as they are. What I'm trying to convey is you never know what's around the corner, and if anything (!), presuming to know what's in store for you probably impedes potential opportunities. This is all very cliche and banal, and I know we all know these things already, but try live them. Seriously.

It's not at all easy, but try to find a level of contentment and peace in and of yourself. There's always going to be that 'if only I had the right partner /job /house /car/ friends/ circumstances etc then things would be just fine.' But speaking from experience, and perhaps we can all relate here, this method of thinking is much more insidious and deep rooted, and probably imparts itself in lots of other areas of our lives. Try being conscious of it, knowing that it doesn't correspond to events both now and in the future, and live your life happily anyways. God, I fear I'm sounding like a self-help book, but the anticipation of a future marred by loneliness is not something you have to come to terms with now, or ever.

I wish everyone well!

beks101

I think the longer you're single the harder it can often be to find someone to have a relationship with. You can become too used to your single life, too set in your ways.

I've always been fiercely independent and didn't think there was such a thing as being 'too independent', but in the last few years I've realised that there kind of is. To be open to a new relationship in your life, you do need to surrender a part of yourself, be OK with being vulnerable, be OK with the risk of rejection, be OK with needing somebody intimately, emotionally, physically, mentally...where you once got by just fine on your own. It's a tough threshold to cross and only gets tougher as time passes.

This sort of 'I'm grand on my own' mindset can influence your body language and convey a sort of gentle 'stay away' stance, even though inside you're longing to meet someone. Body language is very important. Flirting is very important. Eye contact, an open stance towards the guy in question, touch, an effort to be physically near him, smiles, laughter, a gentle forwardness...this is where it starts. The longer you're single the more it can affect your self-esteem and so it may be the case that you're a little rusty on these fronts.

Do you have any male friends? Most of my exes have been friends of friends, or friends of my own that became more. Hanging out with guys without that romantic 'pressure' of a date or expectation looming over your head is a more natural way to get to know someone, IME, for it to organically grow into something else. Perhaps you should work on expanding your social circle and getting to know some people you wouldn't previously have befriended - push yourself out of your social comfort zone. This might jolt a sense of confidence and self-assurance in you, to mix things up a little.

I really believe we write the script for our own lives in our own heads at least 50% of the time. What you tell yourself is what you will become. What you tell yourself determines who you are and how others view you - so a negative inner dialogue about being single forever, things will never change, this is it for you...is going to reduce your chances further of changing your situation. What harm could it do to try your hardest to think positively, to tell yourself you're wonderful and you're a catch and you just haven't met someone special yet but any man would be lucky to have you? Even if it's not what you believe - fake it until you make it.

No-one wants to be around someone who doesn't like themselves. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hard-done by. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hopeless, helpless, miserable, inadequate, desperate. I empathise a lot with your situation, but - and I mean this with all due respect - the world doesn't care. People are interested in what you can do for them, what you can be to them, how you can enhance their lives - and it's very hard to show that side of yourself when you're caught in a negative, introspective bubble.

totoafrica

beks101 wrote: »

I think the longer you're single the harder it can often be to find someone to have a relationship with. You can become too used to your single life, too set in your ways.

I've always been fiercely independent and didn't think there was such a thing as being 'too independent', but in the last few years I've realised that there kind of is. To be open to a new relationship in your life, you do need to surrender a part of yourself, be OK with being vulnerable, be OK with the risk of rejection, be OK with needing somebody intimately, emotionally, physically, mentally...where you once got by just fine on your own. It's a tough threshold to cross and only gets tougher as time passes.

This sort of 'I'm grand on my own' mindset can influence your body language and convey a sort of gentle 'stay away' stance, even though inside you're longing to meet someone. Body language is very important. Flirting is very important. Eye contact, an open stance towards the guy in question, touch, an effort to be physically near him, smiles, laughter, a gentle forwardness...this is where it starts. The longer you're single the more it can affect your self-esteem and so it may be the case that you're a little rusty on these fronts.

Do you have any male friends? Most of my exes have been friends of friends, or friends of my own that became more. Hanging out with guys without that romantic 'pressure' of a date or expectation looming over your head is a more natural way to get to know someone, IME, for it to organically grow into something else. Perhaps you should work on expanding your social circle and getting to know some people you wouldn't previously have befriended - push yourself out of your social comfort zone. This might jolt a sense of confidence and self-assurance in you, to mix things up a little.

I really believe we write the script for our own lives in our own heads at least 50% of the time. What you tell yourself is what you will become. What you tell yourself determines who you are and how others view you - so a negative inner dialogue about being single forever, things will never change, this is it for you...is going to reduce your chances further of changing your situation. What harm could it do to try your hardest to think positively, to tell yourself you're wonderful and you're a catch and you just haven't met someone special yet but any man would be lucky to have you? Even if it's not what you believe - fake it until you make it.

No-one wants to be around someone who doesn't like themselves. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hard-done by. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hopeless, helpless, miserable, inadequate, desperate. I empathise a lot with your situation, but - and I mean this with all due respect - the world doesn't care. People are interested in what you can do for them, what you can be to them, how you can enhance their lives - and it's very hard to show that side of yourself when you're caught in a negative, introspective bubble.

Hard to argue with any of this analysis. I have been in similar situation and I changed it around over the last 12 months by being more positive and taking a few more risks.

Its hard but just put yourself out there OP

Merkin

beks101 wrote: »

I think the longer you're single the harder it can often be to find someone to have a relationship with. You can become too used to your single life, too set in your ways.

I've always been fiercely independent and didn't think there was such a thing as being 'too independent', but in the last few years I've realised that there kind of is. To be open to a new relationship in your life, you do need to surrender a part of yourself, be OK with being vulnerable, be OK with the risk of rejection, be OK with needing somebody intimately, emotionally, physically, mentally...where you once got by just fine on your own. It's a tough threshold to cross and only gets tougher as time passes.

This sort of 'I'm grand on my own' mindset can influence your body language and convey a sort of gentle 'stay away' stance, even though inside you're longing to meet someone. Body language is very important. Flirting is very important. Eye contact, an open stance towards the guy in question, touch, an effort to be physically near him, smiles, laughter, a gentle forwardness...this is where it starts. The longer you're single the more it can affect your self-esteem and so it may be the case that you're a little rusty on these fronts.

Do you have any male friends? Most of my exes have been friends of friends, or friends of my own that became more. Hanging out with guys without that romantic 'pressure' of a date or expectation looming over your head is a more natural way to get to know someone, IME, for it to organically grow into something else. Perhaps you should work on expanding your social circle and getting to know some people you wouldn't previously have befriended - push yourself out of your social comfort zone. This might jolt a sense of confidence and self-assurance in you, to mix things up a little.

I really believe we write the script for our own lives in our own heads at least 50% of the time. What you tell yourself is what you will become. What you tell yourself determines who you are and how others view you - so a negative inner dialogue about being single forever, things will never change, this is it for you...is going to reduce your chances further of changing your situation. What harm could it do to try your hardest to think positively, to tell yourself you're wonderful and you're a catch and you just haven't met someone special yet but any man would be lucky to have you? Even if it's not what you believe - fake it until you make it.

No-one wants to be around someone who doesn't like themselves. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hard-done by. No-one wants to be around someone who feels hopeless, helpless, miserable, inadequate, desperate. I empathise a lot with your situation, but - and I mean this with all due respect - the world doesn't care. People are interested in what you can do for them, what you can be to them, how you can enhance their lives - and it's very hard to show that side of yourself when you're caught in a negative, introspective bubble.

Beks101 I think this is probably one of the best replies I've ever seen in PI. Seriously, kudos to you girl It's so insightful and I think will resonate with anyone who has been single and felt a little hopeless. It especially resonated with me about being almost too independent. I'm in my mid 30s and got married recently to the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure to be with (I'm honestly so blessed) and I can tell you that I was on my own for some years before being with him.

I am fiercely independent, self-sufficient, confident and although I really wanted to meet someone special to share my life with my now husband had to work really hard to break down the tough, self-sufficient exterior and for me to let him in. I've never been short of male attention but couldn't figure out why I couldn't meet the One. Part of it was being too fussy (and I'm glad I was and held out for someone who to me, ticked every box) but I'm also glad he was patient enough and loved me enough to persevere.

It was a few months in when he more or less gave me an ultimatum and said I had to start giving him some clues that it was going somewhere.....I was terrified. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and allowing someone "in"? I did though and I'm glad I did. I've never been happier. Just to echo Beks101, don't be afraid to be open and vulnerable. And also, sorry for the cliche, you never know when true love will come and find you so don't ever ever lose hope. x