Lonely and Depressed

lonely_man123

I suffer from depression caused by loneliness. I’m a guy in my late 20s. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I don’t have any friends or know anyone outside of work. I’m writing this to unload. I’m crying my eyes out at the moment. I’ve experienced this for most of the past 10 years. In my late teens / early 20s, I thought I was just a “slow starter” when it came to relationships. Even as a child, I never had a group of friends. Only maybe 1 or 2 occasionally. I never thought I’d be in the same position now. Thankfully, I’m not one of those guys who has trouble talking to women. In fact, I feel a little more comfortable talking to women then men. In work, I’m well liked, any occasional jokes I tell are well met and I think people like working with me. I’m sure it would come as a big surprise for them to learn that I suffer from this (not that they’ll ever find out).
I have no surviving family members. For me, the lack of a relationship is the single most damaging thing in my life. I feel like I’m missing out on so much. Sometimes I don’t feel alive. I feel like I’m being dragged though life like a car with no engine rolling down a hill. I used to enjoy travelling alone, but not anymore. I want to see more of the world, I want to go to restaurants but I can’t enjoy these things alone anymore. More than anything else, I crave intimacy, both physical and emotional. At the moment, the lack of sex isn’t a problem – I don’t really care about that right now. But holding hands is like winning the Euromillions for me. It’s something I want so badly but I can’t ever see it happening to me. I see couples sitting together on buses holding hands or in the cinema, and it seems so lovely. I know it sounds so pathetic, but sometimes I hold my own hands and imagine I have a girlfriend. Regarding emotional intimacy, I’m not important to anyone. If I died tomorrow, it would have little affect on anyone. I’m not loved by anyone and I feel so worthless.
There have been women that I’ve liked over the last 10 years but nothing happened either because they weren’t interested or they already had a boyfriend. I have actively tried night course, speed dating, online etc…but nothing. Things got very bad a few years ago. I came very close to suicide, and I’d often cry very very heavily for long periods of time. During this, I’d have no concept of time. I’d have no idea how long has passed. All I remember was listening to the sound of my heavy breathing as I cried. When that episode passed, it would have lasted about 5-7 hours. The problem is that I’m terrified of attempting to make any other connections with anyone else because I’m afraid another rejection will trigger another of these attacks. I really can’t describe in words how traumatic it is for me to make a connection with a women, get a little excited and optimistic about the possibilities only for the crushing pangs of despair when it doesn’t happen. I feel physically nauseous. I feel so foolish for getting my hopes up. I am SO tired of this constant loop that I now close off my personality the moment I meet someone who I might be interested in. I can’t invest anymore emotion into a lost cause. I want to be able to hug someone after a hard day at work. I want to make someone happy and be the best partner I can be for her. I want to be important to someone but I’ve tried so hard during the last decade I don’t have the energy anymore to invest anymore emotion into a lost cause that will only add to the history of painful disappointments. I hope things will change, but I’ve come to be very cautious of hope.

LegacyUser

You are not worthless, not even a little, not even at all. Even from just reading your post, I can tell you are a smart, articulate, sincere and caring person with a lot of personality.
These are real things that are of real value to real people -I know things may seem hard right now but please remember that you have a lot to offer someone and in the blink of an eye, your life could be immeasurably different.

Please don't give up because all that you want could be right around the corner and right now I care about you and really want you to make these things happen for yourself. I believe in you, you need to believe in you too, you *can* do this

Be kind to yourself and take care

LegacyUser

This was like reading something written by myself - except I'm 35yo. Honestly, I don't know what the 'cure' is for this situation. You seem to have tried more than me - I've been to many countries but now am fed up of travelling alone after having a mild panic/anxiety attack whilst on my last trip. I rarely go out - friends all emigrated or married. It's tough.

I'm currently lined up for yet another series of counselling - although I'm not sure what it will achieve. I try to be positive about the possible outcome, but it is hard to be positive after so many failures.

I'm sorry to say I don't know what the answer to your problem is. I'm in the same boat and just wanted to empathise (sp?) with you.

I'll be watching the responses to this closely.

Good luck and as you're still in your 20's you have some more options that I don't. Have you considered a fresh start elsewhere? The only thing that keeps me sane it going to the gym, but it has now turned into an obsession whereby I'm trying to get a sculpted figure...

Merkin

You poor unfortunate sausage, your post made me very sad. Loneliness is so painful and so all-consuming and it is a very hard place to be, all of us at one time or another have felt lonely.

Your thread title in itself says a lot though. You say you are depressed and that is quite clear from your post so that should really be the first step for you shouldn't it? From battling thoughts of suicide to anxiety attacks it would seem that this has been going on for a while and you really should seek help and treatment so then you can move on with your life don't you think? I am not making a diagnosis here but it's quite clear that there's a medical problem at play here which in turn is stopping you going out and actually getting what you want from life.

Why don't you go and see a GP first of all and then you can start making those changes and feeling better about yourself? Once you address your anxiety then you can make small steps in boosting your confidence and being able to ask the girl out that you've wanted for ages.

You come accross as a bright and articulate man and I am sure you have so much to offer.....get yourself the help you need first and then everything else will fall into place hon x

paulap

i can empathise to some extent to how your feeling. The anxiety and over load of emotions are as you said signs of depression have you been able to talk with anyone, when your a private person that can be hard. in my experiance talking with a councilor really helped it took a good kick in the ass for me to go but now im glad i did it helped me unravel where the sadness was coming from and it wasnt where i thought. being a shy person is often seen as a weakness and like you i get on well with people but my anxiety is internal. when it comes to relationships i like most feel the other person feels like me, is open and honest etc. i liked when u said u travel alone i love it too but it does get old doing it always alone. would you try building some social relationships with your workmates, guys and girls and maybe broadening your horizons there ive found it invaluable, hard work in the beginning but what did i have to lose.
consider a councilor it might not be your thing but even try it and at least the you know you have explored that option
wishing you all the best
and a big hug for being brave and putting the question out there, lots of people are lonely they just dont say it

skyfall2012

Hi OP, if you are feeling depressed you would need to visit a GP and he would put you in touch with a counsellor. Here is a website which deals with depression:

http://www.leanonme.net/ie?utm_source=ppc&utm_medium=ppc&utm_campaign=ppc

You sound like you are socially very capable, but if you are finding it hard to be positive that may be affecting your ability to meet new people.

I remember when I worked in London, sometimes we would have people who would come in to the shop and just talk to us, they were not interested in buying anything they just wanted to talk to someone. As I came from a large family I rarely found myself alone, but from this experience I realised that many people of all ages and ethnic groups can find themselves alone in the world and unable to connect with other people. I tell you this because I couldn't understand why, they were on the most part funny and interesting. I felt the city can be such a lonely place at times.

So you have to reach out to people, try be positive, try and have fun and you will get positive response, because people on the whole are good and will respond well to you.

Volunteering is a good way to meet people, you are doing something positive by helping others and it can take your mind off things. Thinking too much can be bad for you.

But if there is something else on a deeper emotional level that is stopping you from connecting with people, you need to work through that with a counsellor. Best wishes.

GullibleOne

skyfall2012 wrote: »

Hi OP, if you are feeling depressed you would need to visit a GP and he would put you in touch with a counsellor. Here is a website which deals with depression:

http://www.leanonme.net/ie?utm_source=ppc&utm_medium=ppc&utm_campaign=ppc

You sound like you are socially very capable, but if you are finding it hard to be positive that may be affecting your ability to meet new people.

I remember when I worked in London, sometimes we would have people who would come in to the shop and just talk to us, they were not interested in buying anything they just wanted to talk to someone. As I came from a large family I rarely found myself alone, but from this experience I realised that many people of all ages and ethnic groups can find themselves alone in the world and unable to connect with other people. I tell you this because I couldn't understand why, they were on the most part funny and interesting. I felt the city can be such a lonely place at times.

So you have to reach out to people, try be positive, try and have fun and you will get positive response, because people on the whole are good and will respond well to you.

Volunteering is a good way to meet people, you are doing something positive by helping others and it can take your mind off things. Thinking too much can be bad for you.

But if there is something else on a deeper emotional level that is stopping you from connecting with people, you need to work through that with a counsellor. Best wishes.

sponsored by a drug company. be aware of their statementss about what causes /how to treat depression

Esoteric_

I really feel for you, OP. I went through a few years where I cut off every single friend I had due to depression and other issues, and the loneliness is crippling.

You've obviously been trying to meet someone, since you've done online dating and such.

The problem right now though, is that if you were to get into a relationship now, because you're feeling so lonely and depressed and craving affection and love, you'd be really likely to latch on to somebody a bit too much, which could become a bad co-dependency situation.

I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but please speak to your GP before you do anything else. Depression is a horrible, debilitating illness and I know all too well how much it screws up every aspect of your life, but it IS treatable. I struggled with it for around 7 years, and only finished treatment about 8 months ago but I feel great. I feel happy again, except I had actually forgotten what happiness felt like. If I can do it, so can you, OP!

AFTER you've sorted out your issues with your feelings/health, only then should you try to meet people. You need to be secure in yourself and not desperately lonely before you look for a girlfriend, otherwise you'll feel great at first, latch on too much and end up back at square one.

I'd really recommend that you try to meet friends first. I know you're scared of rejection, but c'mon! YOU are rejecting yourself every single day of the week by your fears and refusal to try to meet people anymore! If YOU are rejecting yourself every single day, one or two other people rejecting you won't be nearly as bad as the every day rejections and bad feelings you have for yourself.

You say your colleagues seem to like you, so why not ask them as a group if they'd like to get a few drinks/dinner/coffee (whatever you're into ) after work some night? Sure, some might say no, but at least by standing up and trying, you're making progress with yourself.

Websites like meetup (I hope I'm not going against the charter here, I haven't linked!) organise things for people to do in groups, to meet new friends. You could always try that, because absolutely everyone there will be as worried about rejection as you are, you'll all be strangers! You could meet some lovely people, though!

Ultimately OP, you need to sort out YOU first, before you attempt to find a girlfriend. Speak to your GP, please, look into making friends and when you feel more happy, secure and confident, look for a girlfriend.

I can guarantee you now that if you get the right treatment, once it works for you, how you are now will be a shadow of who you will be, a mere memory.

Good luck OP, I really wish you all the best.