Would this irritate anyone else?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a 25 year old girl sharing a flat with my best friend. She has just started seeing someone, and I was told the other day, not consulted, told, that he will be staying with us from Wednesday (2 days ago) until Monday. I finish work earlier than her, and significantly earlier on a Friday, so the last 2 days I have come home and he is camped in the living area doing coursework. I have just made small talk and gone to my room, I feel I can't watch TV or chill out as he is studying. Also, they made dinner both nights, and he hasn't lifted a finger all day to clean the pots and pans while I have been at work, and now there is congealing food and pots all over the kitchen, it's pretty disgusting. And he finished off the last of the milk and didn't replace it, and our heating is now on full blast as he's been there all day...

I just barely know this guy, they've been official less than a week, and now he's in my face all the time. Plus the usual coupley stuff of cuddling up on the sofa, giggling into the small hours of the morning etc. The thing is, I feel I don't know him well enough to start nagging him about cleaning up, and if I say it to her, she'll do the whole "what's the big deal, stop moaning" thing; she's quite happy-go-lucky which can occasionally border on inconsiderate, but is never done maliciously and is a lovely housemate in general!

Am I right to feel a bit annoyed??

CaraMay

Ah now will you stand up for yourself. Sounds like he is taking ye for mugs. Use your sitting room as you would normally and let him go into the bedroom if he has an issue. Say to him that you want to use the kitchen and could he clean up first. Its that easy

thalia_13

Absolutely! I think you need to discuss it with her as soon as you possibly can. Can you wait until he is gone? Would you feel comfortable discussing it with her tonight?
You pay rent too, I know first hand how feeling exiled in your room is like. Its not fair on you to be expected to give up your personal space for someone you dont know.

Dont write her a note or anything, as that looks passive/aggressive. You need to be calm collected and just say how you feel, and how you would prefer to keep living arrangements as close to prior to his arrival in her life as possible.
If you let this go in, ye will most likely fall out, you will resent being made hide in your room. I know people will say assert yourself and sit in the living room, watch what you wamt on TV and ignore them, but speaking from experience, that is quite hard to do.

Good luck, just be calm and reasonable, dont mention the heat and the cost of hosting him just yet... Definitely mention the untidy kitchen etc.

Neyite

I would be courteous but firm. "Can you clean up your mess in the kitchen because I need to make my dinner now" and "can you take your studies into X's room because I would like to watch the tv" if he protests suggest he study in the college library.

Don't ask him or give him a choice in the matter. You pay rent and are entitled to use the space, not him.

ElleEm

OP, you absolutely have a right to be annoyed by this.
It is YOUR home, one you pay rent for.
As Neyite says, just use firm statements when you want him to do something. There is no need for you to be tip- toeing around your own home, hiding in your room, etc.

ABajaninCork

I would absolutely be irritated by this. (well, goddamned MFPO TBH :mad:). Your mate's bang out of order!

It's very cheeky of her to INFORM (rather than ask) you that her BF's staying over. Nobody minds an overnighter, but for four days? Come on!! Why is that? And you can bet your bottom dollar that four days will stretch to weeks, then months if you don't nip this in the bud now.

I would politely tell them both to clean up the mess in the kitchen. And let them know that if the milk/bread's run out then replace it. You're not his Mum!

When you come in from work, if you want to watch the telly, then do so! Don't like it? Either go to his girl's room or p1ss off home!!

Not being funny, but if he stays over more than a week (which he will, trust me!), then I would make noises about paying a proportion of the rent and bills. You see how fast he clears off then!!

cantdecide

thalia_13 wrote: »

Absolutely! I think you need to discuss it with her as soon as you possibly can. Can you wait until he is gone? Would you feel comfortable discussing it with her tonight?
You pay rent too, I know first hand how feeling exiled in your room is like. Its not fair on you to be expected to give up your personal space for someone you dont know.

Dont write her a note or anything, as that looks passive/aggressive. You need to be calm collected and just say how you feel, and how you would prefer to keep living arrangements as close to prior to his arrival in her life as possible.
If you let this go in, ye will most likely fall out, you will resent being made hide in your room. I know people will say assert yourself and sit in the living room, watch what you wamt on TV and ignore them, but speaking from experience, that is quite hard to do.

Good luck, just be calm and reasonable, dont mention the heat and the cost of hosting him just yet... Definitely mention the untidy kitchen etc.

+1 to all of this.

Do you want to have a confrontation with her new guy so early in their relationship? You have a strong and close relationship with her and although he hasn't made a good first impression, you really don't know if she asked him to set up in the living room or if she told him to leave the dishes for her or something to that effect. Just speak to her like adults and firmly put your point across. She very well may feel threatened so don't get angry if even if she does.

Merkin

Keepingitallin wrote: »

I finish work earlier than her, and significantly earlier on a Friday, so the last 2 days I have come home and he is camped in the living area doing coursework. I have just made small talk and gone to my room, I feel I can't watch TV or chill out as he is studying.

He's treating the place like his own because you're letting him. When you come home sit down and put the TV on if that's what you normally do. Also, tell him to replace the milk if he finishes it and say it to your friend that if he wants to study then he should do it in HER room, sounds like they are both totally taking the mickey to be honest, you need to set some clera boundaries now with her before it gets any worse.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all your replies, pretty much what I was expecting! Obviously I need to say it to them, mainly her, I just don't like when other people aren't attuned to when their actions are bothering other people and making them feel awkward. I haven't been alone with her yet but I will bring it up.

Today I came home from my own guy's house and the kitchen was again in a state as they headed merrily out the door...aargh! And he told her as soon as she came in from work yesterday that I had been 'hiding' from him in my room. Eh duh, I don't know you and I like my own space! I don't think anyone loves spending hours alone with their friend's new bf!

So eh yeah, talk to her ASAP

CaraMay

He is trouble... Nip this in the bud asap. You shouldnt have let them leave when the place was a mess.

Merkin

Keepingitallin wrote: »

Today I came home from my own guy's house and the kitchen was again in a state as they headed merrily out the door...aargh! And he told her as soon as she came in from work yesterday that I had been 'hiding' from him in my room.

He sounds like 1. a piece of work and 2. a wind-up merchant. Who the hell does he think he is? :mad: You really need to nip this in the bud asap hon. If he's taking such liberties and he's only been there a couple of days then goodness only knows what he'll be like when he gets his feet under the table!!! :eek:

Tipperary animal lover

CaraMay wrote: »

He is trouble... Nip this in the bud asap. You shouldnt have let them leave when the place was a mess.

This will be only the start, he'll come round more often as the relationship goes along so nip it in the bud now or risk losing a close friend, I wouldn't worry about him he has shown all ready he doesn't give two f**ks about you....

Daisy M

Neyite wrote: »

I would be courteous but firm. "Can you clean up your mess in the kitchen because I need to make my dinner now" and "can you take your studies into X's room because I would like to watch the tv" if he protests suggest he study in the college library.

Don't ask him or give him a choice in the matter. You pay rent and are entitled to use the space, not him.

You are right but bloody hell that sounds like what I have to say to my children on occassion. The op is not his mother and shouldnt constantly be put on the role of acting like one, trust me I am a mother and it would wear you out, I think if I had to do this with a stranger I would kill him.

I would keep it short and sweet and tell the friend, "this is my home too and is taking over, you need to sort it."

castle

I think the blame is really at your friends feet not her BF, she invited him and more than likely said treat this as your home while you are here , she should have set ground rules in relation to cleaning after himself etc, he may be this way in his Mum's house ,

castaway_lady

castle wrote: »

I think the blame is really at your friends feet not her BF, she invited him and more than likely said treat this as your home while you are here , she should have set ground rules in relation to cleaning after himself etc, he may be this way in his Mum's house ,

Ah come on, as an adult he surely couldn't think that it's ok to leave a load of dirty pans there for days. He's obviously sensing you dont like him and taking advantage of you maintaining your distance.

Get in control, tell him wash up! And put a good long soppy chic flick on the box and turn it up good and loud!!

Stavro Mueller

When it comes to sharing houses or apartments, I've given up being surprised by how people behave. I once shared with two others and never had any problems. Then myself and my other housemate were both away for a week or so, leaving the third one home alone. When I got back, I walked into an unrecognizable pigsty. The sitting room looked like a bomb had hit it. As for the kitchen - he had been making his way through every clean mug, utensil and saucepan in the place without bothering to clean up as he went :mad:

Anyway, back to the issue in hand. Unless you tackle this issue now, it's going to happen again and again and will get worse. You're going to have to say something, unfortunately.

Today's Monday so I hope that by this evening, you're going to have your flat to yourself again. If your friend's boyfriend is still here this evening, you are going to have no choice but to talk to your friend and stand your ground. Set a deadline as to when he is definitely gone gone.

The problem now is that a precedent has been set so this guy is going to be around a lot. I can understand why you stayed in your room but if you don't stand up for yourself, you're going to be in there a lot. Why should you be the one who is pushed aside just because the lovebirds are in town?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the support guys, at least now I know I'm not just being a moany old witch for getting irritated by all this!

Luckily they were gone all day yesterday, and he is gone for good now, so was not too bad. However, when I texted my housemate to again ask her for her share of a £180 energy bill that I have already paid, she asks can it wait until she gets paid in 2 weeks! To which I said no... I would never even ask that of someone. I have assumed the responsibility of paying all bills from my account, that doesn't mean she can pay me whenever it's convenient for her, just because she has terrible money management. And we earn good money!

The chat will be had this evening...sigh :-/

leahyl

Not on OP - You are paying rent; he isn't! It's as simple as that. You definitely need to talk to your friend and make it clear that her boyfriend can't use the house as a place to crash whenever he pleases!!

LittleBook

Keepingitallin wrote: »

she's quite happy-go-lucky which can occasionally border on inconsiderate, but is never done maliciously and is a lovely housemate in general!

Keepingitallin wrote: »

I have assumed the responsibility of paying all bills from my account, that doesn't mean she can pay me whenever it's convenient for her, just because she has terrible money management. And we earn good money!

Keepingitallin wrote: »

I just don't like when other people aren't attuned to when their actions are bothering other people and making them feel awkward.

While I'm glad you're guest is gone, I just want to point out that the problem between you and your flatmate has not gone away and will not go away as long as she carries on with her inconsiderate behaviour and you let her away with it. By assuming responsibility for paying the bills from your account, you're just making it easier for her not to give a cráp, whether it's malicious or not.

As nice as I assume she is, living with someone is a completely different scenario which I think you're only starting to realise now. Be very aware of this because it will be easy to forget after a few weeks and then I'm willing to bet good money it'll start up again.

I hope the talk went well and I understand that you want your happy-go-lucky mate, but you need a lot more from a house mate.

LegacyUser

I still haven't had any time alone with my housemate as she is always with him. He has been in our flat since Thursday and only fecked off this morning, long after we had both gone to work. This means he must have a key which is unacceptable to me.

He was wandering around in his boxers over the weekend, making me really uncomfortable although I tried to laugh it off. He then implied I must have a boring sex life as no one has ever caught me and my boyfriend at it, this is after telling me about having sex with my housemate. Rude bastard. He is stepping way over the line in terms of the level of familiarity I am comfortable with.

Neither of them ever gave my boyfriend petrol money for a 250 mile car journey we recently had either. My problem is now becoming, what do you do when you hate your friend's new boyfriend!

I am hoping to fiiiiinally talk to her in private tonight... I'm willing to put money on him not having cleaned the kitchen before he left today either!

Stavro Mueller

Oh dear. Unfortunately you're dealing with an entirely new entity here. A couple. There's two of them versus one of you. A reason why many people refuse to house share with couples.

You're on tricky ground here because your friend's all loved up now and really doesn't care what you think. She and her boyfriend are already trampling all over you and will continue to do so. Both of them are behaving appallingly here. Himself sounds like an obnoxious prat but she is every bit as bad.

At this stage, I fear for your friendship. Unless your friend's willing to roll back on what she has allowed to happen so far, you're onto a loser here. A worst case scenario here is that one of you will have to move.

ABajaninCork

WTF? How did I know this was going to happen??:eek:

OP. You need to out your foot down hard. NOW! Take your roomate aside for a little talk. Whether he is there or not. Have your BF there as back up if needed.

TELL her that having her bloke wandering around in his boxers (eww) is not on. And you want the key she obviously gave him back. NOW. The extra gas and leccy bills he's been running need to be paid (In addition to the money she already owes you). NOW. Not in two weeks or whenever she gets paid.

Tell the little sh1t that you don't want to know about his (alleged) sex life thank you very much. You can also tell him he's a pathetic little twerp who is sad enough to brag about what they probably aren't doing. He's no gentleman either - sad sack! :mad:

I would also raise the possibility of him paying rent. He's not staying there now - he's living there!!

I also think the time's now come for you to think about moving out. The situation as I see it is intolerable, and has put a real strain on your friendship, if not destroyed it already.

You need to take a stand.

CaraMay

You should have nipped this in the bud day 1.

I'd move out as its not going to improve

Merkin

You're probably going to be fighting a losing battle here. Your friend is going to think the sun shines out of him and it will be you painted as the uptight and intolerant housemate. If you have it out with them you're simply going to have to do so this evening or else it will be hanging over you for the Christmas holidays.