Sexual healing?

LegacyUser

I am a 24 year old female who had a horrible first relationship at 17. The man was pushy and even if I didn't want it he'd touch me and always made me feel embarrassed. If I told him to stop or told him he was a creep for doing it he'd say because I'm his girlfriend he wasn't doing anything wrong. Obviously I know this is not at all true. He'd put his hand down my trousers and ignore me trying to stop him. Or else he'd grab me and try touch me and wouldn't stop til I had literally clenched every muscle in my body to stop him doing it. He even commented once on how strong I was getting. I do wish I had have dealt with it more seriously then but am glad it's behind me. I have had counselling and understand why and how I was in an abusive relationship but a problem remains physically. It sounds awful to say but sex never makes me feel good, I feel humiliated for no reason and like I've disappointed or amused the guy and it's just a laugh for him. I know it's all from my ex. I don't want to speak to my normal counsellor about the physical stuff as I feel she knows so much about me but I would like to speak to a counsellor who is not going to be surprised by me saying things about physical relationships and won't think I'm a weirdo. I have heard about the rape crisis centre's counsellors but this wasn't really an attack or a rape, I did allow it to happen, I didn't break up with him and I always bottled it when I'd try speak to him about it. I am not sure if they'd appreciate someone using up their phone service when I'm not in a 'crisis' as such but I wonder if there is a similar place I could contact?

I am very well liked thankfully and lots of men ask me out but I always, always ruin it as soon as I can so I can avoid sleeping with them, because when I do I feel so sad and embarrassed afterwards. I feel like a thick for admitting it but it's how I feel. I can't imagine having a normal relationship with anyone as long as I feel so humiliated by it. Sometimes I wish I would just get absolutely written off drunk and let men take me home so I don't have to be aware of it but I am still 'normal' for my age by seeing men and having physical relationships with them, but I know it would make me feel terrible. I need help with this but I am mortified and I feel stupid. Does anyone know where I could go and the counsellor won't be embarrassed or uncomfortable with me talking this experience out?

Taltos

OP - please take a look at some of the links on our charter, some of which you have already mentioned.

Rape/Sexual Assault http://www.rcni.ie/rape-crisis-centres.aspx
Abuse http://www.womensaid.ie/ & http://www.rcni.ie/hlp_map.htm (rape crises network)

Look at it this way - you said no - repeatedly and he persisted. You have nothing to feel guilty about here but you do need to talk to someone who can help you.
My only suggestion is to reach out to the 2 links above (copied & pasted, hence the duplicate), most especially if you are uncomfortable talking to your regular counselor.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, You were very young when this happened, a lot of people at 17 would not have known how to deal with that individual. You have to realise that what happened to you is serious and you need to get help, please follow the links that Taltos provided. Don't be comparing what happened to you with what you think is a crisis. Please contact those people and get the help you need.

AgathaC

" I am not sure if they'd appreciate someone using up their phone service when I'm not in a 'crisis' as such but I wonder if there is a similar place I could contact?"
They would welcome your call, as helping people like you is what they are there for. It may feel difficult to make that first call and embarrassing but you'll soon find that the person you talk to has plenty of experience of almost identical cases to yours and will be more than happy to talk to you..

Merkin

You poor thing. You have been through a lot and I think counselling would benefit you enormously in order to move on from this and allow yourself an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life. Here's a list of psychosexual counsellers in Ireland. http://www.cosrt.org.uk/show_therapists.asp?region=14 Some require a GP visit, do you have a trusted GP that you can have a preliminary discussion with and then ask for a referral? Or alternatively have a brief chat with your current counsellor and ask them for a recommendation for a counsellor specialising in sexual issues?

LegacyUser

I think what my problem is that holds me back from calling it sexual assault is because I was his girlfriend and continued to be even after he crossed the boundaries. It was not always non-consensual, even after he did this stuff.
The part that really, really bothers me more than anything though is my reactions at the time. We were only together a couple of weeks when he caught my hand and put it down his trousers, I pulled my hand back and shoved him away etc and it was a real struggle but I never shouted or got angry over it. This is what gets me the most. I feel that maybe because I was so mild mannered about it that I am being unfair thinking he was wrong because I was not clear enough with him. Having said that, when he'd do it to me and I'd ask him to stop because it was hurting he'd keep going til I was trying to push him away with all my strength. Then when I'd get angry or upset he'd say he thought I was pushing his hands further down. So I do feel very conflicted on what it was and why I feel so sad about it still.
I don't even know where to begin if I called one of those numbers (thanks for those links by the way, they have lots of information) because I do feel responsible to an extent. I might try see one of those private counsellors in the New Year and go from there but I read on the site that they give you tasks and things to do at home but I really don't want to do that. I just want to talk about it and feel less guilty.

Thanks to each of you who posted. Your advice and links are very good and I really do appreciate taking the time to reply back. I don't feel like I can say this stuff out loud so thank you very much!

skyfall2012

When you approach the counsellor you can explain it to them just as you have here. They are trained professionals and will be able to make you feel at ease and comfortable. But I think you have raised a very important issue here and your post may well help other people who have had the same experience.

The teenage years are such a confusing time in ones life, you go from being a child and playing with toys at 12 to an adult at 18 going out into the world, in just 6 shorts years. You were 17 and would still be considered a child even though most 17 year olds want to be taken seriously as adults and do not understand when their parents are hesitant to allow them out into the world on their own.

You could not be expected to know how to handle such a situation the same as an adult. You may understand now at 24 that you did not (nor would any other 17 year old ) have the wealth of experience or the emotional development that most older adults would have to help them cope with such an individual, who was not taking your feelings into account and forcing his will on you. Just because you were his girlfriend does not mean you had to do anything that you were not comfortable with. So I implore you to get the help you deserve and you will be able to eventually come to terms with what happened to you and move forward to live a happy life and have healthy relationships.

Merkin

thankssomuch wrote: »

I think what my problem is that holds me back from calling it sexual assault is because I was his girlfriend and continued to be even after he crossed the boundaries. It was not always non-consensual, even after he did this stuff.
The part that really, really bothers me more than anything though is my reactions at the time. We were only together a couple of weeks when he caught my hand and put it down his trousers, I pulled my hand back and shoved him away etc and it was a real struggle but I never shouted or got angry over it. This is what gets me the most. I feel that maybe because I was so mild mannered about it that I am being unfair thinking he was wrong because I was not clear enough with him. Having said that, when he'd do it to me and I'd ask him to stop because it was hurting he'd keep going til I was trying to push him away with all my strength. Then when I'd get angry or upset he'd say he thought I was pushing his hands further down. So I do feel very conflicted on what it was and why I feel so sad about it still.
I don't even know where to begin if I called one of those numbers (thanks for those links by the way, they have lots of information) because I do feel responsible to an extent. I might try see one of those private counsellors in the New Year and go from there but I read on the site that they give you tasks and things to do at home but I really don't want to do that. I just want to talk about it and feel less guilty.

Thanks to each of you who posted. Your advice and links are very good and I really do appreciate taking the time to reply back. I don't feel like I can say this stuff out loud so thank you very much!

Misplaced guilt and the feeling that it is somehow your fault or that you could have stopped it is very very common in people who have been sexually abused or assualted. Because that is what happened to you hon, you were systematically abused and violated - the fact that he was your boyfriend doesn't even come into it.

You would benefit enormously from counselling so don't feel overhwhelmed at where to start or what to tell them. Tell them what you have told us and they in turn will be able to help you come to terms with it and hopefully move on with your life. You've been very brave by coming on here and talking about it so see this as the first step to getting the help you need and deserve. I really wish you well xx

LegacyUser

Does anybody know if the rape crisis centre tries to make you report the offender? It's years later and he is a very popular young man. There is absolutely no point trying to prove this to anybody. I don't even care about him anymore, he is nothing to my future. In fact, I never want to lay my eyes on him again.
I avoided going home for years because of the fear of bumping into him but this is the first time, nearly 7 years later that I can't wait to go home and spend time with my family at Christmas. I just don't care about him anymore. All I am interested in is sorting myself out and being able to have a relationship again.

The only thing I dread this year is my family (as they always do) asking me why I don't have a boyfriend. I have told them if they say it again this time that I will leave because it's rude and it's as though they are implying there is something wrong with me for being single. They don't know what I've been dealing with, it's infuriates me.

I will eventually pluck up the courage to call the rcc but I am afraid they will try make me report it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - for clarity sake you should use a consistent username throughout your thread, so people know they are replying to you, and you are asking further questions.

The last post from rcc?, I'm not sure if it's you or not. If it's you, that's fair enough, if it's someone else then it is hijacking your thread and should have a thread of their own.

Can you clarify if it is your post. If not, we will move it.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips.

LegacyUser

Sorry mod, it didn't let me use either of my first few names but it is the person who began the thread. Apologies.

Big Bag of Chips

No problem, OP. Thanks for clarifying.