Am I in a relationship??

LegacyUser

I met this girl at work and because we were working on the same project, we became closer and started to meet up for a few gigs after work. We don't see each other in the office as we are in different floors.

Eventually she told me she liked me a lot. I was taken aback, as she is very very shy. I told her I liked her a lot too, but explained I was not ready for a relationship, as for personal reasons I have very little free time and I'm still recovering from a major breakup with my ex. She said fine.

We agreed we would play it by ear and we kissed. We met up for another two gigs and talked some on the phone, and became good friends. I did bring up a few times the fact that I'm sorry I can't offer her more and I am not able to be in a relationship with her, and that I didn't want to hold her back. She said fine.

We meet like once a month or so, usually for a few drinks, during which conversation is pleasant and we kiss.

This is going on for several months now – ie, once a month meetings.

I am getting the impression though that she does think we are in a relationship, as she texts me very sweet things and acts jealous as well.

So… am I in a relationship, even though I stressed several times I had no intentions to be, and I only see this girl once every month or two?

Thanks for your input.

looksee

You are under the impression that you are meeting occasionally just as friends. So where does the kissing come into the story? Are you talking about a social peck, or eating each others' faces? If it is the latter then she could be forgiven for thinking there is more going on than there is. Especially since you say she is very shy and probably does not have any other men in her life.

You are working in the same building but only see each other every couple of months! You need to decide whether you are over your previous relationship and want to make something of this friendship, or tell her that you think it would be better if you stopped seeing her as you are not looking for a relationship.

I think she is being needy and naive, but you are being thoughtless and messing her about.

SunnyDub1

Wow talk about mind games and given the poor woman false hope.

I don't get you at all.

You say you told her and made it clear you didn't want any kind of relationship but yet you agreed to "play it by ear" and kiss her and more then one occasion ......WHY ?

Why are you meeting this woman once a month if you know she has feelings but yet you don't want to take it any further

You are giving this woman false hope. If you have no intension of starting a relationship with her, then do the decent thing and be honest with her, s stop meeting her, and cut contact with her and put the poor girl out of her misery.

LittleBook

I'm generally quite hard on women who are explicitly and specifically told one thing but chose to hear something completely different ... but I have to say I have a lot of sympathy for this woman and I wouldn't blame her at all for feeling like she was in a relationship.

You say you've told her that you can't be in a relationship with her because you're too busy, but at the same time you tell her you'll "play it by ear".

You are meeting regularly and are intimate with her and it's been going on for several months. It's not unreasonable that she could come to believe that in playing it by ear, things are turning in a direction she would like. These things tend to evolve naturally.

On the other hand, maybe she couldn't care less about you, would that be OK for you?

The only way to be sure is to talk to her about it. If she has feelings for you and you don't for her, you need to let her go. Otherwise you're just stringing her along.

ash23

You need to be way clearer with her. The fact that you told her you'd play it by ear and then continued to see her and be intimate with her, would possibly lead her to believe that you are heading in the direction of a relationship.

Basically you told her you didn't want a relationship but also gave her hope that it would change in the future. So you need to be explicitly clear with her that this will not be, nor will ever become, a relationship.
If she chooses to allow herself to have false hope at that stage, then that's her problem.

She told you she likes you a lot. You told her you like her too, meet up with her, kiss her, regularly.

It's not that crazy, considering how she feels about you that when you say:
"Not ready for a relationship" - she hears "Not ready yet"
"Play it by ear" - she hears "see if something develops"
"don't have much free time" - she hears "if I had more free time I'd see you more"
"Sorry I can't offer you more" - she hears "I wish I could offer you more"

Communication is mainly body language and tone - the words people use mean very little. That, plus wishful thinking on her part could make this a very different situation from her perspective. So maybe you're saying you don't want a relationship, but it seems that what you're really communicating to her is that the timing isn't right. You're stringing her along and the best thing to do is either start a relationship or end things with her altogether.

IrishEyes19

You know what I have no sympathy for someone who decides to tell a person they have no wish to be in a relationship and yet continue to be intimate or text/contact that person. if its clear the other person has feelings, have some respect for that person and end the contact, even if it hurts them for a bit. It will do better in the long run.

I completely accept when someones says they dont want a relationship. And fair enough in theory it should be that simple for the other party to accept and move on. but its very hard when the person who doesnt want a relationship continues to be intimate with the person who does have feelings. Seriously just end it and move on. Because the more you are intimate and contact, the more pain your causing for the other person and wrecking their head.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you very much for your replies, it really helps to see other points of view.

Just a bit of information – this girl and I are over 30s, so although she is shy, it’s not like she is a naïve teenager. My mother has been bedridden for the past year and has been going through several surgeries. She is staying at my place and I’m responsible for basically everything – bathing her, feeding her, driving her to the doctors, etc. So I really am in no place to be in a relationship, time-wise or emotion-wise. This is what I explained to this girl.

She is lovely, very pretty, very nice, and I really enjoy spending time with her. But as I said to her several times, I am in no condition at the moment to be in a relationship, as my life is all over the place. If in the future we could have a relationship? I don’t know. Maybe yes. Maybe not. I genuinely don't know. I don't know whether I will have to sell the house I live in. I don't know if I'll have to emigrate. I don't know if I'll have to bury my mother. So yes, I am completely stressed out and I cannot promise anything to her.

I figured that if she said several times that she is ok with this situation – ie, being intimate, being friends, but not being in a relationship (a relationship for me meaning having deep feelings, meeting the family and spending nights in watching DVDs and planning our future together) then why not?

I see so many people with “friends with benefits” arrangements and they seem to live fine with that. I hate the name “friends with benefits” or “f* buddy” as I think it implies using someone else for sex. What if we do like the person and enjoy being with the person? Should we still walk away on that just because we don’t plan to have children, dogs and a house together? I’m not trying to be mean or smart here, it is a genuine question.

Until now I thought she shared my views, but after reading your replies I’m realising that even though every week we talk about how we are not in a relationship, in the back of her mind it might still be like we are.

I just don't understand how it might come across as "I'm playing mind games", when I feel like I have been nothing but absolutely honest.

lordgoat

OP, if you're enjoying her company and are happy seeing her you're giving the impression that you like the scenario and she has no reason to think otherwise. You seem to have said one thing but not committed to it.

In no way am i giving out, I think many people fall into this scenario on one side or the other at some stage of their life.

You need to ask yourself a few questions before you talk to her.

1- Do you like this girl? Do you want to keep seeing her?

If yes, you need to keep in mind that it's unlikely you can be friends with her, it seems to have moved beyond that. Then you need to ask well should I spend more time with her and see if it goes somewhere. Or cut ties.

If no. Cut ties. Do it honestly and do it just once. Be clear and understanding.

Either way, good luck.

LegacyUser

if feelings have become involved you have allowed this girl to get close to you while knowing that she wants more...personally I feel that this is very unfair on the girl but the damage may have been done...either way now she is going to be hurt despite the fact that you have explained why you cant be in a relationship. If that girl goes to any of her friends for advice (which most probably she already has) they may say one of two things to her
1- he obviously likes you if he spends time with you and tells you personal things (which is true) wait and see how it goes...all the while she is getting more attached to you
2- they may say that you are leading her along as if you really were into her you would be afraid to lose her and you would make the effort to be her boyfriend. This is the ethos I would be going with as firmly believe that if you have feelings for someone and you want to make it work you would attempt it
I think you may either have been slightly selfish/naive to think that you could spend time with this girl and that she would not become more attached...however having said all this there was a situation like this on boards a while back and the man in your situation had advised the girl he didnt want relationship...then boom she was in a relationship with someone else. How would you feel if she got herself a boyfriend? To be honest I think you are holding this girl back and I feel sorry for her

LegacyUser

i met my boyfriend during one of the most stressful times of my life. if its there its there..if not then let it go...people complicate life for themselves because underneath everything they are afraid to risk getting hurt. she is risking that with you because she wants to be with you. You need to make a decision...
either cut contact letting her knw why
or
give it a go
Simple

LittleBook

adhalfhlk wrote: »

I figured that if she said several times that she is ok with this situation – ie, being intimate, being friends, but not being in a relationship (a relationship for me meaning having deep feelings, meeting the family and spending nights in watching DVDs and planning our future together) then why not?

What does being in a relationship mean to her? Some time ago, my partner and I only saw each other once a month but you can be damn sure we were in a relationship. Plenty of couples only get to spend time together once a month and absolutely consider themselves to be in a relationship.

adhalfhlk wrote: »

I see so many people with “friends with benefits” arrangements and they seem to live fine with that. I hate the name “friends with benefits” or “f* buddy” as I think it implies using someone else for sex. What if we do like the person and enjoy being with the person? Should we still walk away on that just because we don’t plan to have children, dogs and a house together? I’m not trying to be mean or smart here, it is a genuine question.

In short, yes. There's a difference between saying "I can't be in a relationship because I've too much on my plate right now" and "I have no intention of settling down with you". The first leaves the other person with hope that when your plate is cleared there could be a relationship, the latter is crystal clear.

I sympathise with your situation OP but your second post give me the impression that you want to keep seeing this woman when you want/can but you don't have "deep feelings" for her and you don't envisage having a "proper" relationship with her.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with "friends with benefits" situations when both parties are on the same page and "using" each other. But you have to see that there is an emotional imbalance in the situation you have with this woman, otherwise why would you be here?

As I said earlier, saying you're not in a relationship is different from telling her straight out that you never will be.

Beruthiel

adhalfhlk wrote: »

She is lovely, very pretty, very nice, and I really enjoy spending time with her. But as I said to her several times, I am in no condition at the moment to be in a relationship, as my life is all over the place. If in the future we could have a relationship? I don’t know. Maybe yes. Maybe not. I genuinely don't know. I don't know whether I will have to sell the house I live in. I don't know if I'll have to emigrate. I don't know if I'll have to bury my mother. So yes, I am completely stressed out and I cannot promise anything to her.

You're having a very rough time of it and life is pretty crappy for you right now.
I can well understand how a little comfort here and there would be a welcome thing.

But, I believe if you were really into someone, no matter what your circumstances are, you'd know and you would certainly know if you wanted a relationship with them or not.

So, the fact you cannot make up your mind means you're just not that into her.
Make no mistake though, the fact that she has put up with ALL of your parameters in this relationship, and it is a relationship (of sorts) means she is very into you.
With that in mind, whither you like it or not, you are stringing her along.
She will tell you that everything is fine because seeing you now and again and taking what ever crumbs you throw at her is still better than never seeing you again.

I figured that if she said several times that she is ok with this situation – ie, being intimate, being friends, but not being in a relationship (a relationship for me meaning having deep feelings, meeting the family and spending nights in watching DVDs and planning our future together) then why not?

She said ok because at some point in the future she hopes that will change and she will have all those things you mentioned above.

I see so many people with “friends with benefits” arrangements and they seem to live fine with that.

They have discussed that arrangement in detail before hand I would assume.
Have you told this woman straight out that she will never be more than a fuk buddy?
Have you left her in no doubt of that fact?
You really, really need to be straight out honest with her.

LegacyUser

I understand you would like company without commitment
Many people find themselves in this situation
However the two of ye seem to also have developed an emotional
attachment and this is where the difference lies...
f-buddies is all well and good....but from what you have said
its like you went into this for company not just sex
you cant have everything your way sadly
the only advice I would give is talk to this girl and
chose your words carefully...As a woman that was lead on for
2 years this strikes a chord with me and had to post
In the end...you dont know how she feels...we can all guess and
assume... in one of your posts you suggest she is shy
and I think you may have this idea that you are the only man
she is in contact with..Careful there you could be way off the mark...

Thumby

Op you need to decide once and for all if you want a relationship with this girl, by relationship i mean what you consider a relationship. So far you have given this poor woman some very mixed signals. I'm in no way giving out to you or blaming you. With everything you have going on it was probably quite easy to not see that you were giving the girl false hope. Both my x and myself were just dating casually as neither of us wanted anything serious even though deep feelings were involved on both sides. That said a relationship was not for us. Long story short i ended up falling pregnant and things took a very serious turn and neither of us could handle the pressure that came with going from casual dating to serious relationship and yes it did split us up. Fortunately we are the best of friends now and babs is due in 11 weeks but we were both still very cut up and hurt by the drastic change. I'm not saying that you'll end up in the exact situation i and my ex have but emotionaly it sounds like you will. This girl is holding out till you're ready so its getting serious in her head and if you don't decide what it is you want and soon, you will wake up and find you are in a serious relationship that you didn't want and it will turn into a mental pressure as you try to figure things out. That wll only hurt the girl in question alot more and then you'll have the guilt etc to deal with too.

beks101

Your words and actions don't match up.

This is my single greatest pet peeve about dating.

'I like you' and then two weeks of silence. Or in your case, 'I'm not ready for a relationship' and then orchestrating regular hook-ups regardless.

I'm assuming from your post that you haven't been sleeping with her, so safe to assume this isn't a blatant fuck buddy set up.

Please, please for the sake of this girl's feelings and all of mankind, quit the mind games. That is what they are. She's into you, so she's sensitive to your every move and every advance you make towards her is going to mess with her head.

You've told her where you stand - you don't want a relationship - so be consistent and follow that up with the 'proof' that you're not interested enough in her to start something new - as all of these dates and kisses are convincing her otherwise. As someone else said, false hope.

Have a bit of compassion, man the fuck up and do the right thing. Stop feeding her scraps. End your contact with her. Let her move on.

crackers and cheese

If you are going to cut contact with her I hope you would
advise her first of why rather than disappearing and leaving her wondering what she did wrong(as this is what she would believe). So many people post here wondering what happened/what they could have done differently. I would hate to think this girl would end up doing the same.

implausible

If you had genuine feelings for her and could see a future, you'd know, despite all of the stress in your life. Lots of relationships begin at bad times. You can't help when you meet someone, neither can you just press 'pause' when life gets in the way.

Be straight with her and let her go, and no bull about "maybe sometime in the future..."

jpm4

aeardagsd wrote: »

I met this girl at work and because we were working on the same project, we became closer and started to meet up for a few gigs after work. We don't see each other in the office as we are in different floors.

Eventually she told me she liked me a lot. I was taken aback, as she is very very shy. I told her I liked her a lot too, but explained I was not ready for a relationship, as for personal reasons I have very little free time and I'm still recovering from a major breakup with my ex. She said fine.

We agreed we would play it by ear and we kissed. We met up for another two gigs and talked some on the phone, and became good friends. I did bring up a few times the fact that I'm sorry I can't offer her more and I am not able to be in a relationship with her, and that I didn't want to hold her back. She said fine.

We meet like once a month or so, usually for a few drinks, during which conversation is pleasant and we kiss.

This is going on for several months now – ie, once a month meetings.

I am getting the impression though that she does think we are in a relationship, as she texts me very sweet things and acts jealous as well.

So… am I in a relationship, even though I stressed several times I had no intentions to be, and I only see this girl once every month or two?

Thanks for your input.

A lot of of somewhat over the top reactions to this one really....how could anyone genuinely think they are in a relationship if the meetings are actually only once a month?

To answer the question that was actually asked....no you're not in a relationship.

IrishEyes19

adhalfhlk wrote: »

OP here, thank you very much for your replies, it really helps to see other points of view.

Just a bit of information – this girl and I are over 30s, so although she is shy, it’s not like she is a naïve teenager. My mother has been bedridden for the past year and has been going through several surgeries. She is staying at my place and I’m responsible for basically everything – bathing her, feeding her, driving her to the doctors, etc. So I really am in no place to be in a relationship, time-wise or emotion-wise. This is what I explained to this girl.

She is lovely, very pretty, very nice, and I really enjoy spending time with her. But as I said to her several times, I am in no condition at the moment to be in a relationship, as my life is all over the place. If in the future we could have a relationship? I don’t know. Maybe yes. Maybe not. I genuinely don't know. I don't know whether I will have to sell the house I live in. I don't know if I'll have to emigrate. I don't know if I'll have to bury my mother. So yes, I am completely stressed out and I cannot promise anything to her.

I figured that if she said several times that she is ok with this situation – ie, being intimate, being friends, but not being in a relationship (a relationship for me meaning having deep feelings, meeting the family and spending nights in watching DVDs and planning our future together) then why not?

I see so many people with “friends with benefits” arrangements and they seem to live fine with that. I hate the name “friends with benefits” or “f* buddy” as I think it implies using someone else for sex. What if we do like the person and enjoy being with the person? Should we still walk away on that just because we don’t plan to have children, dogs and a house together? I’m not trying to be mean or smart here, it is a genuine question.

Until now I thought she shared my views, but after reading your replies I’m realising that even though every week we talk about how we are not in a relationship, in the back of her mind it might still be like we are.

I just don't understand how it might come across as "I'm playing mind games", when I feel like I have been nothing but absolutely honest.

Because Id say 98 percent of the time she says she is ok with it, is because she has feelings for you and doesnt wan't to lose you. you are having a pseudo relationship with her. its everything but the title. And I do think at her age you are preventing her from moving on and meeting someone else. I sympathise with your situation and what you are dealing with. But you arent even sure deep down if you werent dealing with issues that you would be with her.

IrishEyes19

jpm4 wrote: »

A lot of of somewhat over the top reactions to this one really....how could anyone genuinely think they are in a relationship if the meetings are actually only once a month?

To answer the question that was actually asked....no you're not in a relationship.

It's more the case of holding onto something that's never going to happen. Clearly the woman has feelings. I'm not saying she is a victim or completely innocent, but I think the decent thing would be end it and move on. Unless you were entirely sure she was happy with a no strings attached situation. But his post here clearly indicates he suspects she is far more invested in the hope of a relationship than he will ever be.

Stavro Mueller

Given the pressure the OP is under regarding his mother and the mixed messages he's giving this girl, I can kind of understand where she's coming from. She may be working on the basis that he has so much on his plate he can't meet up more often. You'd be surprised what excuses people can invent in their heads when the object of their desire isn't seeing them more often.

Throw in some naïvety and the belief that if she hangs in there, she's in with a chance and you've got an issue. Relationship or no relationship. There's fault on both sides of this story but I think the OP is being unfair to her by kissing her when they go out.

Big Bag of Chips

We don't know what she's thinking... You don't even know what she's thinking, that's why you are here asking the questions.

You need to be very clear with her. Maybe she knows that you are not in a relationship now. But it is possible that she is 'waiting' for you. She might be thinking, with everything you are going through that the last thing you need is her 'dumping' you to be with someone else... "how cruel would that be?".

From an outside perspective, from someone who doesn't know you or the girl, it seems like you are stringing her along.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, be crystal clear. Kissing & cuddling every time you meet up is not being clear. It is sending conflicting messages about what you really want. And really really confusing everything.. even yourself!

'Break up' with this girl. Because right now, you are preventing her from looking for a proper relationship, due to a misguided sense of loyalty to you.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Edit: just to echo what other posters have said, if you wanted a relationship with her, nothing would stop you. You'd be making plans, you'd be discussing the future and what may or may not have to happen. Couples go through tough times together, all the time. You're just not into her enough to want that with her. You could meet someone next week who knocks you off your feet and who you welcome in, to share your life with.

What you have now, is preventing both of you from finding that.

miamee

OP actions speak louder than words and while you are verbally saying "I don't want a relationship", your kisses, cuddles and shared time with this girl are saying otherwise. Since she seems to like you, it is easy for her to disregard what you are saying in favour of what you are doing, she probably thinks you don't really mean it or that it is a temporary situation that will change in her favour over time.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for your input.

My main reason to continue with this arrangement until now had been that I thought I could fall for her, if only the timing was not so bad. In fairness, I don't think I could say that I love someone and I want to spend the rest of my days with them (or "have a future together") until I get to know them pretty well. Before that point, it's always a mix of fantasy, projection, lust and wishful thinking. But maybe that's just me.

So since she said she was ok with it, I didn't see any harm in seeing her whenever possible. And since we are both attracted to each other, I didn't see the harm in kissing.

But after reading your replies and reflecting about it, I decided to not chance hurting her. Even though I see potential for us, I'll play it safe.

So I had a chat with her, explained where I was coming from and we decided there will be no more kissing etc, we are just friends. And since it's awkward to be friends, it means we won't see each other anymore.

Cheers for the replies.

Thumby

I'm sorry things have turned out this way for you op but right now it seems to be what's best for both yourself and the girl in question. If you see potential for ye that's great but it's not fair on either of ye if you're trying to force something that just isn't working right now. Sometimes life gets in the way for a reason. Take care and good luck with everything and i hope your moms health improves.

RossFixxxed

Probably the best decision OP to be honest. You didn't know, she doesn't know and from you post I don't know if you're in a relationship. You're pretty much walking through a minefield with reckless abandon.

It's worth sorting out. Best of luck with it, it's never easy!