Church Wedding vs. Civil Cermony

Paul S

So here's my predicament.

If someone was to look at my religious status on my birth cert or any other official document I'm a roman catholic but, alas, like most Catholics in Ireland today I've deviated away from the church. I really don't want to get into a debate as to why this is but fundamentally this comes down to one massive issue - despite believing in God and maintaining a strong faith, I have zero faith left in the Catholic church itself and don't feel I can in anyway associate myself with it (this is very personal so I don't mean to offend any church goers in saying this).
Instead I prefer to keep my beliefs between myself and the big man upstairs and as a result I've neglected going to mass etc etc.

Here in lies the problem. I'm recently engaged and delighted to be marrying the love of my life but we're coming to loggerheads about being married in a church.

Before we were engaged we had discussed the ceremonious aspect and both agreed we would have a civil ceremony. This seems to have changed though creating a split decision.

I think it's somewhat hypocritical to be married in a church if you aren't committing yourself to the religion fully (and by fully I don't mean every letter of the law - we all falter - I mean attending mass regularly and being as good a catholic as possible and following the fundamental teachings of the church). But as someone who has no faith in the church though I can't justify being married in one.

With that in mind we're debating between having a Civil Ceremony or a Church Wedding. In my head I'm thinking -
Church Wedding - Would be nice from a religious/faith perspective but disrespectful to the catholic church as I no longer consider myself catholic.
Civil Ceremony - much more up my alley but missing the religious aspect.


I would be very interested in seeing if anyone here - as Christians - has any thoughts on the matter?

Or if anyone knows a Priest who is actually willing to Bless Civil Ceremonies - then everyone wins! (well I do )

username123

Paul S wrote: »

Or if anyone knows a Priest who is actually willing to Bless Civil Ceremonies - then everyone wins! (well I do )

In Ireland priests perform the civil marriage ceremony and the catholic marriage rites all in one swoop. Its not the same in some other countries, you have a religious service but you are not legally married without a seperate civil ceremony.

You can just get a blessing from the priest, but you would have to have the civil ceremony in the registry office (or elsewhere, one of the approved places) seperately.

I dont really see the point of what you are suggesting. The priest already does 2 things, the civil marriage (which is the legal bit) and the catholic marriage (which has no legal standing) - so priests already bless civil marriages in that sense!

ravima

I admire your conviction and I'm assuming you are a Christian, rather than a lapsed something who believes nothing.

A friend of mine RC was engaged to COI girl. Problems already!!

Both converted to Orthodox and all families were happy, as both felt that the Orthodox was closer to their religion than to the other's!!!

Benny_Cake

Lots of people are going for a civil ceremony now and it sounds as if it may be the most suitable option for you. Both are equally valid options, I'm not sure what the Catholic position is on blessing civil marriages so perhaps find an approachable priest to ask? Whatever else happens, try not to let it become a bone of contention between the tow of you, the wedding will be over quite quickly but the marriage will last a lifetime!

Onesimus

Is your wife to be a Catholic who wants to bring your children up Catholic? Is she really wanting to get married in the Catholic Church?

philologos

OP: why not look for a new Christian church. Roman Catholicism isn't the only form of Christianity?

lmaopml

Benny_Cake wrote: »

Lots of people are going for a civil ceremony now and it sounds as if it may be the most suitable option for you. Both are equally valid options, I'm not sure what the Catholic position is on blessing civil marriages so perhaps find an approachable priest to ask? Whatever else happens, try not to let it become a bone of contention between the tow of you, the wedding will be over quite quickly but the marriage will last a lifetime!

Any Priest who 'Marries' a couple is acting as a 'registrar' as far as the state is concerned - but they are also acting, and most importantly to those who view marriage as a 'Sacrament' in that way first and foremost - Not merely a 'venue'. This is serious business!!!!

Those who are married by a Catholic Priest are saying that in effect their vows involve inviting God to their home, their married life involves God, their children involve God in so far as they are 'gifts', to be cherished, above and beyond any kind of self love at all...no matter how hard life may be..and it can get hard sometimes, and very beautiful too.

A marriage conducted in the presence of God, and inviting God in to be a part of family life, is serious - very serious. No room for doubters.

Lucy8080

He's everywhere and nowhere baby.

i don't see anyway you could not get married in his presence (if i understand right).

Dont let any human organisations come between yourself and your love!

Church or civil...if god is absent ...ask the theologians to explain!

They have been arguing for millenia...dont expect too much.

Look after each other though...and best wishes whatever ceremony ye go for.

Dont give too much power to either( at least not enough to cause worry)..

If ya love/care for each other each other....who can question/sanction it?

Peregrinus

Couple of thoughts:

1. Your issue is not just that you’re not a Catholic any more; it’s that you don’t participate in any religious community. You’re religious, but you’re flying solo, so to speak.

2. You obviously find this a bit limiting, because now that you are looking at celebrating your marriage - and the celebration of a marriage is definitely a communal thing - a part of you feels the need for a religious communal celebration.

3. You feel it would be dishonest/disrespectful to have a Catholic church wedding, because that’s not your community. But if I’m right, you’ll have the same problem with any other church wedding; whatever church you go to, it won’t be your community, because you haven’t got a community.

4. There are religious traditions who make a point of being inclusive, and reaching out to the unchurched, and meeting them where they happen to be, so to speak. In particular, the Unitarian Church in Stephen’s Green has a name for celebrating religious but civilly-recognised weddings which they try very hard to tailor to the particular spirituality and beliefs of the couple being married. It might be worth checking them out.

5. Apart from indicating that your fiancée does want a church wedding, you don’t say much about her views. Why does she want a church wedding, having initially agreed to a civil wedding? Is she a Catholic, or a participant in some other tradition? How do you feel about participating in a wedding in her church, on the basis that even if you have no community with which you feel a connection, she does?

6. Another way to look at this is that the wedding is not a private affair between the two of you; rather it’s the two of you taking what would otherwise be a private matter - your commitment to one another - and laying it before God and before your families and your wider community for their acknowledgement, blessing and support. If you look at it that way, then it may be helpful to ask yourself, not what church or tradition the two of you feel a connection with, but what church or tradition your families are connected with.

7. Finally, could I very cautiously suggest that this experience is calling your attention to something? It seems that flying solo, in religious terms, doesn’t entirely work for you because, at (important) times like your wedding, you feel the lack of a community of faith. You’re not connected with the Catholic church - I understand that, that’s fine. But maybe it’s time to move a little bit beyond that rather negative understanding of your faith, and look for who you are or could be connected with; maybe you should think about trying to find a faith-community that you can participate in.

8. I wouldn’t suggest that you should do this for the purpose of getting married there. Quite frankly, weddings are stressful enough without adding extra pressure. But, if you’re getting married, you’re obviously at a commitment-making time of life, and maybe the next step, or one of the next steps, to take your faith seriously enough to look for some people to share it with. Maybe that’s something you and herself can do together. Just sayin’.

Tim Robbins

Paul S wrote: »

So here's my predicament.

If someone was to look at my religious status on my birth cert or any other official document I'm a roman catholic but, alas, like most Catholics in Ireland today I've deviated away from the church. I really don't want to get into a debate as to why this is but fundamentally this comes down to one massive issue - despite believing in God and maintaining a strong faith, I have zero faith left in the Catholic church itself and don't feel I can in anyway associate myself with it (this is very personal so I don't mean to offend any church goers in saying this).
Instead I prefer to keep my beliefs between myself and the big man upstairs and as a result I've neglected going to mass etc etc.

Here in lies the problem. I'm recently engaged and delighted to be marrying the love of my life but we're coming to loggerheads about being married in a church.

Before we were engaged we had discussed the ceremonious aspect and both agreed we would have a civil ceremony. This seems to have changed though creating a split decision.

I think it's somewhat hypocritical to be married in a church if you aren't committing yourself to the religion fully (and by fully I don't mean every letter of the law - we all falter - I mean attending mass regularly and being as good a catholic as possible and following the fundamental teachings of the church). But as someone who has no faith in the church though I can't justify being married in one.

With that in mind we're debating between having a Civil Ceremony or a Church Wedding. In my head I'm thinking -
Church Wedding - Would be nice from a religious/faith perspective but disrespectful to the catholic church as I no longer consider myself catholic.
Civil Ceremony - much more up my alley but missing the religious aspect.


I would be very interested in seeing if anyone here - as Christians - has any thoughts on the matter?

Or if anyone knows a Priest who is actually willing to Bless Civil Ceremonies - then everyone wins! (well I do )

I would suggest go to the Unitarian Church.

They specialise with people like yourself, mixed marriages and liberal religious views and you might feel very at home there.

I got married there and I am an orthodox atheist while my wife is somewhat religious in a peculiar way. We went thru various options:
1. Presbyterian Church - Minister was a lunatic
2. Church of Ireland - Rev very nice but I had to say something about Jesus who I believe has no magic power and hence I was not comfortable with saying so in front of all my friends.
3. Humanist - can't legally marry you
4. Civil - must on a Friday and I hate the HSE as much as I hate religion
5. Unitarian - bingo.

AnneMA

If you are Catholic (that is, if you were baptised in the Catholic Church, whether or not you still think of yourself as Catholic), then the Catholic Church will consider that a marriage outside of the Church is not valid. The Church's view will be that you are 'living in sin' if you live together. A Catholic priest cannot (or should not!) bless such an arrangement.

Why does your girlfriend want to be married in the church? Is she a practising Catholic? Would she consider that you were not properly married if you didn't get married in the Church?

As a kind of general remark, I would say that a marriage where husband and wife do not have the same religious views will be difficult. It will only work if one or both do not take their religion very seriously.

Best of luck to you both.