Worried about potential extended family bust-up at Christmas

LegacyUser

After talking to my mam on the phone last night, I’m worried that there’s going to be some sort of major family argument or falling out at Christmas and I’m not sure how I can prevent it. My sister got married a few months ago, and was the first grandchild on both sides of my family to do so. It was a lovely wedding and everyone seemed to really enjoy it.

However, on my dad’s side of the family, only one uncle gave my sister and her husband a wedding present – our other two uncles and our aunt didn’t give anything to them, not even a card wishing them luck, and there was nothing on behalf of our nan either (Nan has alzheimers and is in a nursing home, and my aunt controls her money, but when she was fully well and my granda was alive they were very generous people). They were all invited and came to the wedding except my nan, who wasn’t well enough, and one uncle and his family (I can’t remember what the reason was). My mam said they’d all asked about wedding gifts etc, so they thought that maybe the cards or presents had gone missing, but this doesn’t seem to have been the case.

I haven’t spoken to my sister about this as I only heard about it last night - I live abroad and nobody had mentioned it to me before now. Mam says my sister is very hurt though, and is also mortified because she feels like it’s not a great welcome into the family for her husband. She thinks maybe she’s done something to offend them, but honestly none of us can think of any reason for it. My dad promised he would ask them apparently, but hasn’t seen all his siblings at the same time and so hasn’t said anything – I don’t think he will actually, because he will feel too awkward about the whole thing. My mam has taken it really personally though, and has said that she’s not keen on having them all over to our house at Christmas like we normally would (!!). I tried to persuade her otherwise, but now she’s saying that she’s going to bring it up on Christmas day and ‘get to the bottom of it’.

I’m not keen on there being a fight on Christmas day, but at the same time I’m worried that if there isn’t an explanation then it might turn into a real tit-for-tat situation, where one of my cousins gets married and we don’t give them a present because my sister didn’t get a present… I think mam is overreacting, but at the same time I do think it’s strange that close family would come to the wedding and not even give a card? And I am concerned that my sister is upset. I’m just not really sure what I can do in this situation.

skyfall2012

It can take some people years before they finally get around to giving wedding presents. Your job at Christmas is to allay your Mom's thoughts about this, I think people are getting all worked up over nothing. The country is in recession, money is tight etc. Some middle age women, at a certain time in their lives can get very worked up about things;)

username123

Well thats certainly a major fuss about nothing isnt it?

Who cares about wedding presents? I gave one to someone last week who had gotten married in May - its not like there is a 'gift by' date. Its very materialistic to be even taking notice of these things. People shouldnt invite people to their wedding to get a gift but to help celebrate the day.

I really think its sad how some people can get so over involved over something so minor. I was going to ask what age you were OP but seeing as you mention you live abroad I take it you are an adult - Id advise you to tell your mother to not be fussing over irrelevant stuff and try to enjoy christmas.

CaraMay

You have a year to give wedding presents and please oh please do not let anyone go ask for the presents. I cringe on your behalf.

Daisy M

Please please make sure your dad is not put in the position of asking about this, I can't imagine a worse humiliation.

If your aunts and uncles would normally be generous accept that something has happened and the cards have been misplaced and if they are not then accept that choose not to give a gift. As for a gift from your nan, thats just silly, you say she has alzeimers why would someone else be expected to give a gift on her behalf. Your mam needs to grow up, they came to the wedding, they have more of a right to be insulted as it seems that more value is placed on a gift than their presence.

Your sister feels that her husband hasnt been welcomed into the family because some of her aunts/uncles came to her wedding but didnt give a gift, is she for real? This all sounds so petty, childish and greedy.

Someone needs to talk sense to this lot, maybe you could try rather than agreeing with them.

Rebelheart

username123 wrote: »

Well thats certainly a major fuss about nothing isnt it?

Who cares about wedding presents?.... Its very materialistic to be even taking notice of these things. People shouldnt invite people to their wedding to get a gift but to help celebrate the day.

I really think its sad how some people can get so over involved over something so minor.

It's not. And: it's not. Saying "who cares?" will appeal to the people who have not been there and get you a slew of 'thanks'. The point is, obviously, this: if people attend your wedding some token of appreciation is always given by respectable people, just as some small token is given when people pay you a visit once in a while. Manners: that's what it's called. It could be a card, or it could be €100 but something -anything - is given. Otherwise it's bad form, and when a meal for a couple of people is given and not even a simple 'Thank You' card is received the guests in question are mere sycophants. They do not, quite frankly, deserve respect. Bad breeding. Simple as.

tinkerbell

OP, this is causing drama unnecessarily. It is nobody's place to question why those people did not give a wedding gift. You can b1tch about it amongst yourselves but in no way should you ask those people on why they did not give a gift. To think that your sister's husband is not welcome because of lack of a gift is ridiculous. Some people just don't give presents. IMO not giving a present on attendance at a wedding is rude (why couldn't they even something small eg a card and just a token), those people sound a bit like they lack manners tbh. What do you do? Just don't give them a present for whatever occasion comes up next, simples.

LegacyUser

hang on a sec there, I would certainly NOT advise that kind of tit for tat malarky of your family not giving their family a present the next time an occasion arises. my god, please please disuade your mother from doing this. it's going to drag out the drama even longer. ye're all adults here! realistically i don't see it as any of your mum's business, your sister is the one who got married not her, but the fact that the aunt on your dad's side and not hers is interesting!

for all any of us know the aunt and uncle could arrive at the door on christmas morning with a wedding present. if they do, let your sister recieve it gratefully. if they don't, let everyone enjoy the turkey, your sister needs to get over it for the day and then she has two options. 1, say something to your aunt in a month's time when everyone's calm and stop letting your mother make battles out of molehills, or 2, just accept the fact that people are sometimes clueless and rude and ungrateful, be the bigger person and move on.

we have a family member that didn't even give us a card for our wedding. a close family member. what you gonna do? let it fester and mould away and let it get to you? or just get on with more important things in life? i harboured a lot of resentment for a while over the fact they're getting married next year and we're going to be expected to give them a gift. they both ahve good jobs, we're broke, etc etc., but really, in the grand scheme of life it doesn't matter. my mother in law is currently engaged in one of these tit for tat battles, over invitations to weddings and getting everyone in a flap over a percieved slight by one of the aunts. it's an ugly ugly thing to watch and not something i'd ever want to lower myself to.

best of luck to you op. and enjoy the turkey! xx

coolhandluke

Get over it, and leave it behind.......

I remember when we got married, one of my best mates who was already married told me you'd be amazed at the people who would go to your wedding and not give you as much as a card.

We'll i was, my own sister and one of my best mates didn't give as much as a card......i never said anything, still see them both all the time and never made any issue of it, but i wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for either of them.

Someday they may get married and i can return the compliment......

username123

Rebelheart wrote: »

It's not. And: it's not. Saying "who cares?" will appeal to the people who have not been there and get you a slew of 'thanks'. The point is, obviously, this: if people attend your wedding some token of appreciation is always given by respectable people, just as some small token is given when people pay you a visit once in a while. Manners: that's what it's called. It could be a card, or it could be €100 but something -anything - is given. Otherwise it's bad form, and when a meal for a couple of people is given and not even a simple 'Thank You' card is received the guests in question are mere sycophants. They do not, quite frankly, deserve respect. Bad breeding. Simple as.

I have been there. And lots of people didnt give us gifts, including pretty much my entire husbands family. I didnt feel not welcomed into the family. I didnt care. I didnt invite them to get gifts off them. It happens. Getting upset over it and causing family scenes at christmas isnt worth it. I would consider it worse breeding (whatever that means) to question people over why they didnt give something. Without being privy to their bank account you just do not know the financial status of people. Perhaps they couldnt afford a gift and thought their presence would be present enough?