revenge on the 'other woman'

albetty31

Thanks to those who helped with the first part of this problem few weeks ago..so I took the job & I'm working in the same organisation as the woman my husband had an affair with. It's over & we are working things through, even though its very hard and seeing her adds to the difficulties, but I'm trying.
However, I'm really struggling with the fact she is sauntering around like the cat that got the cream and thinks nothing of standing watching me & smirking when I pass. They say revenge is best served cold & I've been sitting on this for months, but I feel I can't get closure if she gets off scot free.
Do I tell her husband and risk her coming for me, or her husband going for mine? Do I wreck her family so she knows how it feels? Do I get revenge and how can I in the best way? And if not, how do I just suck it up and let her go on her merry way while we are tortured every day with insecurities and pain?

tinkerbell

I remember your thread and fair play to you for not allowing her to ruin your career dreams. Well OP, you have a few options.

(a) continue ignoring her
(b) confront her next time she smirks and tell her "I dunno why you keep smirking at me, if I recall correctly my husband has come back to me, his wife, and we've worked things out. He has dumped you".
(c) confront her and say "I dunno why you keep smirking, keep it up and I'll tell your husband about your indiscretions with my husband".
(d) get your husband to tell her to leave you alone.

Have you gotten counselling by the way? It might help talking to someone about this as an independent listener.

LegacyUser

Honestly OP the only options are ignore her or leave the job. I remember your other thread but didn't comment as frankly I found it bit worrying how much of your focus, hated and blame for the whole affair had been shifted to this 'other woman' At the end of the day your issue is with your husband who cheated on you not this woman. You say you've worked out everything with him so just move on with your life. Seriously what do you have to gain other then a couple of moments of guilty pleasure that may not even happen if things don't go the way you imagine. Say you tell her husband but he doesn't react the way you think and it doesn't effect their relationship as badly as you want. At the end of the day you don't know whats going on in her and her husbands relationship and how it works.

But lets say it all goes the way you want and you 'ruin her family' then she goes and takes revenge on you and so on and so forth until your just two bitter women sniping at each other.

Half the reason she most likely looks smug in your mind is because she may release how much her just being there day to day effects you. If she says something about the affair then call her out for being unprofessional at work but if you have worked everything out with your OH then move on.

Lorna123

My guess is that you are imagining she is smirking at you because you feel vulneraable, I bet she is not. The best way to get revenge is to pretend you don't care. I certainly would not confront her and tell her you are going to tell her husband. That would get you into a terrible situation and you would probably have to leave your job it would get so bad. No, just sit tight OP. This will blow over. In the meantime just thank your lucky stars that you have a job and that you are rid of the pair of them.

She didn't get the cream in the end anyway, did she? You did, so you just smirk back !:D

Katy89

it's a tough one OP and as the poster above mentioned, difficult for any outsider to judge if she's really smirking at you and trying to intimidate you or if you're seeing it worse as it is as you're expecting her to do it.
I know how torturing these situations can be, and often we see things worse as they are.
but if you really have the feeling she's still intimidating you/if this is really the case, I would defenitely threaten her to tell her family the story.
you have to defend yourself and it seems this person is very ruthless, so to survive it, you have to fight her with her own weapons.

others might see it differently but that's what from my experiences in life works best if you're dealing with people like her.

all the best, you seem like a very strong woman:)

eviltwin

The "other woman" is not the problem here, its your husband. Chances are if that woman had turned him down he would have had the affair with someone else.

Her attitude must be hard to deal with but I don't think taking revenge is the way to go, its only making a bad situation worse, not what you should be doing in a new job to a fellow staff member and won't help your marriage.

Deal with the marriage, try and work on that. If you can't get past it I would look for another job.

What she did was wrong no question but I'd be more worried about your husband tbh and trying to work on that and making sure you can get through it and that you can prevent it happening again.

seenitall

Have you shared your thoughts and ideas about this with your husband, OP? If you haven't, why haven't you? And if you have, what did he say?

I remember your other thread too, and I thought at the time that taking that job would more than likely spell (more) bad news for your marriage.

As long as that woman is in your view, the insecurities and pain that you are tortured by will be kept alive (imo). Because I don't think that you truly forgave your husband, otherwise there wouldn't be all this anger and vengeance in your head. You can't direct it at your husband as you want to keep him, so it has to all go to her.

But the thing is, this way, instead of moving on, it's all still a competition in some way. Who's smirking, who's not, who's got the upper hand, who's the loser, who gets to wreck a family and whose family gets wrecked... I don't know, I just think it's all very bad for you mentally, OP, so I would urge you to think long and hard about doing anything that would harm the woman because you could be inadvertently making even more problems for yourself down the line. The last thing you want to happen, for example, is for your husband to start feeling sympathetic towards her, once her family gets wrecked or you harm her in some other way...

I hope your marriage survives and prospers, but this isn't a very auspicious path toward a new beginning, OP.

Whatever you do, the best of luck to you.

username123

Forget about revenge. This woman is not responsible for your husbands marriage vows, he is. The affair being over and you and your husband working things out is revenge enough. You have no idea of this womans arrangements with her own husband, perhaps they are fine with each other sleeping around outside of the marital bed. You said in the other thread that everyone in work knew, its quite likely her husband knows anyway

I personally cant believe you took the job, but now that you have, suck it up and just make like she doesnt exist.

I dont want to be overly harsh here because I totally understand how youd be livid seeing her daily and thinking she is smirking (whether she is or not) but you chose to go into this situation, and your husband is responsible for the insecurities and pain, not this woman. He didnt have to have the affair and you didnt have to take the job. But he did and you did, so you have to take responsibility for your own actions on that.

You husband is the problem here though, not this woman. He is not a child who got cajoled into infidelity by accident. He carried on the affair for a year. Thats what needs to be dealt with - not your choice to work with this woman.

Best of luck to you, it does sound like a very stressful situation and it is understandable that you would be having a million and one thoughts flying around having to deal with it. Be the bigger woman, nose in the air, carry on.

Neyite

OP, maybe its false bravado on her part? I mean, what has she got to smirk about when you look at it objectively, she was somebody's bit on the side and got dumped by a married man so he could work on his marriage. You are the "winner" here in this whole sorry saga, if you could say there are any winners.

The whole place knows she was cheating on her husband, with another woman's husband and probably consider her a home-wrecker and a lying cheat. Women in the workplace will be wary of her even talking to their husbands at the Christmas party, Men will avoid her like the plague for fear that unfounded rumours get started that may jeopardise their relationships.

You are probably percieved as being the one with the higher moral ground - that you see this woman daily and she seems irrelevant to you, that you are capable of conducting yourself professionally in the face of it - well if you were my colleague I'd respect your self control.

The best revenge is your own happiness. Her marriage is clearly unhappy. What better way to rub it in her face than to have a happy marriage and move on from this to a happy future. Cheaters will eventually get found out all by themselves - and she will someday, but if you force the issue you come off as bitter and vindictive (though tempting I know it must be)

Like others have said here - she was not the one who said wedding vows to you - He did. He is where your anger should be directed. Her marriage vows are her business, but she broke no promises to you. I feel that you have transferred the anger and hurt that should be directed at your husband to her. I would suggest couples counselling so that you can work on that.

Stavro Mueller

I can understand why you want to serve up that revenge but I think it's a terrible idea. All you'll be doing is upping the ante and leaving yourself wide open to retribution from her. As someone earlier up this thread said, you'll be like two bitter women sniping at each other. In the short term you might gain satisfaction from getting your revenge from her. If you think it's going to stop then, you're sadly mistaken.

There is a famous saying by Conficious

"When you plan revenge...best dig two graves"

Abi

albetty31 wrote: »

However, I'm really struggling with the fact she is sauntering around like the cat that got the cream and thinks nothing of standing watching me & smirking when I pass.

I agree with the other posters here when they say rise above her antics, but I'm going to say one thing. I've thought about how I'd feel in your position, having to deal with this day after day, ignoring it would be easier said than done. It's much easier for the average joe to tell you to not rise to it, than for them to actually face this intimidation themselves.

Again, I agree with not going as far as ratting her out to her husband, but I'd tell her that I'll wipe that smile off her face and threaten to. Has this bitch not done enough to you? I'm actually really angry for you.

Have you gotten your husband to talk to her? to tell her to back the hell off? I'd find this personally very hard to deal with, I really do feel for you.

Taltos

I would be very careful about threatening to say anything to her husband in work.
You could though just say "So how's your husband, I cannot wait to catch up with him at the Christmas Party", smile and just walk away.

Threats in work are not good. Especially if you are still in your probationary period - scratch that - at any time...

Abi

Taltos wrote: »

I would be very careful about threatening to say anything to her husband in work.
You could though just say "So how's your husband, I cannot wait to catch up with him at the Christmas Party", smile and just walk away.

Threats in work are not good. Especially if you are still in your probationary period - scratch that - at any time...

Yeah, that's more or less what I was circling around, you worded it better tbh. The above would be perfect. Something tells me she'll never bring him..

tinkerbell

^ I'd be thinking the same too - I wouldn't be saying it to her in the office. I know I listed out a list of options earlier but that was just to demonstrate all the options. I'd be advising to just continue to ignore her, you're not gonna get anywhere by speaking to her. Then again I dunno how you can manage to be in the same room as her on a daily basis.

IrishEyes19

This is going to sound harsh but here goes. You had the choice not to take this job, therefore you didnt have to see her everyday.

I know you're angry with her and god you deserve to be. Its terrible what they BOTH did. But your husband played an equal part in this. Do not try and bring the same misery down on another family for the sake of getting one over on this woman. She is not worth it.

theres no way to know whether she is on the straight and narrow now and loyal to her family again, but dont destroy their lives too. if you choose to get 10 minutes revenge over telling her husband the truth, you are opening another can of worms and possible years of strife with this other family.

Unless you can suck it up and do your work. leave this job before it consumes you. I cant imagine its a pleasant life living everyday wondering how to get one over on her. It just sounds stressful and unhappy. you deserve a better happier stress free life. Leave her to herself, these things have a tendency of coming back on people. take care of what you have now. let her off.

Stavro Mueller

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

This is going to sound harsh but here goes. You had the choice not to take this job, therefore you didnt have to see her everyday......Unless you can suck it up and do your work. leave this job before it consumes you.

This is a very good point. I remember your original thread and the dilemma you faced at the time. I'm not surprised to hear you've run into this sort of trouble to be honest. There was a good chance that this woman would seek to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible in your workplace. All within the rules of course and so subtle nobody else will see it. She hates that you're working alongside her ( who wouldn't?) but you've got to learn how to handle her better.

Would I be right in thinking you want your cake and to eat it as well? You obviously want this job a lot - why else would you put yourself through the ordeal of working alongside her. You also want your revenge but this is where it gets messy. You can do all the damage you want to her by telling her husband etc. But she'll still be showing up for work on Monday. It'd be the equivalent of crapping on your own doorstep. Normally when someone does something as drastic as what you want, they can walk away and watch the carnage from a safe distance. You don't have that luxury.

Much as you want to destroy her, you can't influence the one thing that's getting under your skin. You want this job and you want her gone. That's not going to happen. So either you get used to working alongside her or you start looking for another job before this destroys you.

CaraMay

albetty31 wrote: »

sauntering around like the cat that got the cream and thinks nothing of standing watching me & smirking when I pass

She must be slightly unhinged if she can act like this having been your husbands mistress for a year. I would be crawling into a corner in shame....

Firstly as others have said, it was your husband who broke your marriage. Its admirable that you are trying to patch it up but sometimes, and its no fault of anyone involved, it just doesnt work out and there is no shame in walking away. You dont seem ready to give up and thats your call but this situation cannot continue. Its incredible unhealthy.

Have you said anything to her at all?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'd want to pull out every hair on her head, punch her face into the back of her head and remove her eyes with my fingernails. It's stupidly easy to say "ignore the home-wrecking slapper that's smiling in your face every day" it's quite another to actually do it. So yeah I'm gonna be honest. If it were me I would find it very very very very hard not to tell her husband. I imagine at the start I'd be unable to resist sitting in her sittingroom telling her husband and watching her walk in the door, having saw your car in the driveway, knowing why your were there.

HOWEVER,

Everyone makes really good points here. You don't know if they have an open marraige, it's certainly not monogomous, so maybe he wouldn't give a sh*t. Also yeah, you'd have to work with her after and that would be uncomfortable whatever the state of their "marraige".

Look at the end of the day, your revenge is that you aren't her. What is she? A nasty, sly, unrepentant, bitchy, pathetic, home-wrecking slapper. What are you? You're a loyal, hardworking, classy lady. So there you go, revenge is that you get to live your life as you, she's stuck being a nasty nasty b*tch who everyone talks about behind her back. I honestly can't imagine she has any real friends or even likes herself. She definately doesn't have a happy marraige.

So yeah while the anger would consume me for a while I think ultimately I could turn the other cheek because she's the loser OP, she may have had your husband once but he dumped her and he loves you. She's in an obviously unhappy and unloyal marraige, you're back on the road to having exactly what she doesn't have. So yeah as others have said, just work on your marraige and if she keeps it up enquire after her husband, she'll know what you're saying.

Also I second going to marraige counselling, you could do with the support it would provide.

My heart goes out to you OP, the very best of luck.

albetty31

Thanks everyone, few harsh ones alright so lucky i wasn't looking for sympathy! The hubby has had a pretty huge reality check and he was going to say something to her but he knows her and as I've heard from him and others, she is the bunny boiler attention type so he reckons the worst punishment is totally ignoring her.although I said it went on for a year, he was with her 3 times at the start of year and the rest of the year was her threatening him til i found out.we went the marriage counsellor route but i need a job to be able to afford them! Irony eh...Everyone's first reaction to a cheater is 'leave him' and that's what I'd say, but seeing it from this point of view, apart from our 4 small children, I don't particularly think I should be alone or find a new guy i don't know when the guy i have really is all i ever wanted apart from this indiscretion, which could actually be the making of us, as we are both so aware of how we let the kids/bills take over and we let it slip.both of us. if someone gave me the level of attention she gave him I'd probably have strayed to as we were so unhappy and facing a brick wall of finances. so this has been a shake up. That's why I can go into work, cos the anger has subsided and my head is a lot clearer about her role in it all. I just want her to, not even leave, but leave me alone. I go about my business, why won't she? Why is she trying to taunt me?

Big Bag of Chips

Because that's the sort of 'brass neck' person she is.

You saying something to her/her husband won't change that.

At the end of the day, you won. She hoped to break up your family by you finding out... Well... You found out, and worked on your marriage.

What more revenge do you need? If she smirks at you... Smirk back!

username123

albetty31 wrote: »

I just want her to, not even leave, but leave me alone. I go about my business, why won't she? Why is she trying to taunt me?

Very difficult for you to be objective about the situation as you are in it, but, it is possible that she is just behaving like she normally does to anyone and you are perceiving it as loaded given the history. I wonder would a complete stranger think anything of her behaviour if they just happened to observe her walking past you or whatever?

Really the only option is to ignore it. The fact you have been talking about revenge in this thread would indicate to me that you have not dealt with your (misdirected) anger towards her at all. If you werent feeling angry or hard done by etc... then you wouldnt even notice her.

Im honestly not sure how good it can be for your mental health to put yourself to work in such an environment tbh. Even the most balanced individual would not like to work with their husbands former mistress, it cant be good for you.

I would implore you to think about your own mental health and wellbeing and decide if its really worth it. Its clearly bothering you now, is that going to get worse?

IrishEyes19

I meant to add as well, messing with co workers is a tricky business, you want revenge on this woman, and you slip up. Who knows what could happen with your job. Word goes around, you might be the injured party now because of her and your husbands affair, but at work, she is just another employee and entitled to the same rights as you are.

I understand financially work is important, but if you are patching up your marriage and trying to salvage it, you are keeping this affair alive by involving this woman. She sounds like a right pain but look right past her, OP, if you have to keep this job. Only address her when you have to and if its related with work. You are dealing clearly with someone who feels no shame and lives of the thrill of upsetting you. Dont let her.

CaraMay

albetty31 wrote: »

I've heard from him and others, she is the bunny boiler attention type

Have you been talking to other colleagues about her? You could at minimum come across as very unprofessional and there is no guarantee it wont get back to her or your bosses. Work and family life should not and do not mix espcially where there is scandal and back biting involved.

It all sounds extremely unprofessional.

fungun

albetty31 wrote: »

although I said it went on for a year, he was with her 3 times at the start of year and the rest of the year was her threatening him til i found out.......
I don't particularly think I should be alone or find a new guy i don't know when the guy i have really is all i ever wanted apart from this indiscretion, which could actually be the making of us.......
if someone gave me the level of attention she gave him I'd probably have strayed to as we were so unhappy...........
I just want her to, not even leave, but leave me alone. I go about my business, why won't she? Why is she trying to taunt me?

Look at these 4 extracts from your post. You really sound like you blame her, not him, and you are even making excuses for him. I think this may ultimately be at the crux of your issues.

Blaming him does not mean you cannot forgive him. To move on properly I think you do need to blame him, be angry with him properly.....then you might be able to move on better

curlzy

WOW, I can't get over the amount of ZEN buddist monks on this thread that could completely forget that sl*pper's role in your torment. *rolls eyes* Just so you know OP, I wouldn't be able to just get into the lotus position and forgive the fact that she chased your husband and carried out an affair with him. I honestly DON'T believe the people that are saying that they would blame him 100% and completely get over the fact she was involved at all. I think they're being very unfair to you to expect you to be able to do that. I also think they are being naive and childish if they think they would actually be able to do what they're advising you to do i.e. blame him 100% and forget about her completely. Yes HE made vows to you and she owes you nothing but she still knowingly went after a married man and is smirking in your face, yes he's cheating sh*t but she's a home-wrecking sl*pper. So yeah, I just wanted you to know OP, I think you're doing an AMAZING job of keeping it together. I think you're classy in how you've dealt with this and deserve praise for that. Well done for how well you've done so far!

jimmycrackcorm

I think that being vengeful actually does you more harm to yourself than to the intended person.

username123

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I think that being vengeful actually does you more harm to yourself than to the intended person.

Especially given that we are talking about a workplace environment that the OP chose to go and work in.

Taltos

curlzy please tone it down a bit. I understand this is an emotive topic for some but if you cannot post constructive civil advice then we ask posters not to post otherwise we will be forced to take moderator action.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

You said financial woes led to your marriage problems, now you are in a job working with his ex mistress. As others have said you made the decision to take the job, nobody forced you to. Why did you take the job if you knew she was going to be working there? Why not try get a job elsewhere?

albetty31 wrote: »

I go about my business, why won't she? Why is she trying to taunt me?

What do you mean by this ? Has she said anything to you about the affair?

At the end of the day, you are there to work and get a paycheck, and if you are intending on getting revenge on her, you could find yourself without a job pretty soon and what will that that lead to ? more financial woes and possibly the end of your marriage.
You really need to focus on your job and keep personal issues out of it. It would be extremely unprofessional to seek revenge on her especially if you have to work with her everyday.

Also the fact that you were willing to believe everything your husband and others say about her , e.g. she was the one chasing him ? how sure are you of that? After all your husband lied to you, cheated on you, and now are you trying to defend it by saying she was the one doing all the chasing/stalking etc. I wouldn't be laying the all the blame firmly at her door.

At the end of the day OP it takes two to tango, and if she had thrown the sun moon and stars at him, why did he give in? Why didn't he walk away? bunny boiler attention type - ya there's loads of those out there, not everyone succumbs to their charms.

CaraMay

Exactly - you can be chased but have to want to be caught especially three times.

Your husband has lied to you before so I would take what he says with a pinch.... There isnt much work going on in that place... I wonder are you there to keep an eye on him?

You have to either ignore her or leave.

Katy89

OP, what springs to my mind after reading all these advices is that everybody is really just guessing because you havn't actually made clear what she's doing in fact.

is she really only smirking? or does she comes up to you and intimidates/bullies you? does she slip out comments when others around?
it's not clear at all. so if she's only smirking I would say ignore her, it will get boring for her after a while, but if she's openly sniding you I would snide back with the right comments.

LegacyUser

Katy89 wrote: »

is she really only smirking? or does she comes up to you and intimidates/bullies you? does she slip out comments when others around?
it's not clear at all. so if she's only smirking I would say ignore her, it will get boring for her after a while, but if she's openly sniding you I would snide back with the right comments.

+ 1 OP I think you've had the replies you've had [and the lack of sympathy from most] because we've already covered what issues might crop up if you took the job in your other thread. You made the choice to take the job knowing you'd have to work with this woman and clearly your not as able to work with her like you thought you could. I know you said it was your dream job etc etc but you need to decide if you really can continue to work there. Plotting revenge isn't not healthy for you.

All you've stated is that she is smirking at you. Unfortunately OP I don't think you can be totally objective here so we have to take it with a bit of a pinch of salt. If she has said something in anyway regarding the affair to your or others then I'd say call her out for not being professional but outside of that OP I'm sorry to be blunt but your just going to have to suck it up and be professional in work.

Regarding your last reply it really comes across that you've transferred an awful lot if not all your anger over the affair to this woman which could mean you haven't really dealt with the issue at all. I'm not defending her in anyway, I don't think I could work with someone who'd done that to me but your only concern should be your marriage and family. Try talking to your marriage counsellor about it that's what your paying them for after all. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around and it's not worth stressing yourself out over dislikable people. 'Revenge' will get you maybe 5 mins of glee then you'll be right back were you started.

IrishEyes19

curlzy wrote: »

WOW, I can't get over the amount of ZEN buddist monks on this thread that could completely forget that sl*pper's role in your torment. *rolls eyes* Just so you know OP, I wouldn't be able to just get into the lotus position and forgive the fact that she chased your husband and carried out an affair with him. I honestly DON'T believe the people that are saying that they would blame him 100% and completely get over the fact she was involved at all. I think they're being very unfair to you to expect you to be able to do that. I also think they are being naive and childish if they think they would actually be able to do what they're advising you to do i.e. blame him 100% and forget about her completely. Yes HE made vows to you and she owes you nothing but she still knowingly went after a married man and is smirking in your face, yes he's cheating sh*t but she's a home-wrecking sl*pper. So yeah, I just wanted you to know OP, I think you're doing an AMAZING job of keeping it together. I think you're classy in how you've dealt with this and deserve praise for that. Well done for how well you've done so far!

Very few people have said she isnt to blame and no one has said forget her in the sense you implied.

OP, I think the reason most people including myself say forget her, is not to be a zen buddist, but instead avoid obsessing and allowing this woman to consume you. I dont think anyone said here that she is anything but wrong and mallicious. But I dont think revenge would satisfy you afterwards and I dont think currently holding all this anger at her is making you feel any better either. So I stand by advice and others. Do everything in your will to move on and be happy. You by no means ever have to forgive, but be happy. Thats what matters. She can snide, snicker all she wants and I doubt anyone has an inch of respect for her. I really hope you find some peace through this. well done for holding up so far.

girl2

What revenge did you bestow upon your husband - considering you're wanting to go down the route of revenge?

In all of this - what has happened to you is awful. However - your husband is the only person here who has done you wrong - he was the one who betrayed you, broke your marriage vows and maintained an affair over the course of a year. I'm sorry, but the other woman here is really not who you should be concerning yourself with. You chose to stay with your husband, despite his complete despicable behaviour against you and your children.

To go one further - you made a very conscious decision to put yourself in daily contact with this woman (I believe any sane person would not have made that choice). I would rather be poor and without a job than put myself through the emotional torture that you're putting yourself through. Day in, day out. I don't know how you're ever ever ever going to move past that with the constant reminder of what has happened. I think you're mad in the head on that basis alone tbh.

But I do understand your position, you want to believe that she cajoled him, she lured him, blackmailed him or whatever - the fact is……over the course of a year he had an affair with another woman. It wouldn't matter if it was 3 times or 300 times…he had the affair. And I reiterate - she is not the person who had any loyalty to you - he is.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh about it, but it's the truth. I could never ever come back from something like that. To me, it would be living a lie…I would never be able to trust him ever again. I would never know what's true and what's a lie. And I sympathise with you for that.

I don't know what advice p give you - except to try and just look after yourself and your mental health.…because these sorts of things can make people do crazy things. And your employer will have no sympathy or tolerance if anything does happen.

BBDBB

"However, I'm really struggling with the fact she is sauntering around like the cat that got the cream and thinks nothing of standing watching me & smirking when I pass. They say revenge is best served cold & I've been sitting on this for months, but I feel I can't get closure if she gets off scot free."

Dont know if it helps you OP

but these two lines (the bits Ive highlighted) stand out to me

the common theme is you and whats going on in your head

You have a right to be angry and hurt by your OH, he betrayed what you had set between you. If you have genuinely decided to try and work through it with him for his mistake then I cant see value in you pursuing vengence or any kind of animosity towards the other woman other than making you feel better and when it boils down to it.......he chose you not her(with whatever control/influence/choice he did have left, thats what he decided was the better option, you not her

where does that leave her "smug attitude"? probably one of envy rather than something superior

my advice to you is, count your blessings, its not easy and you have a lot of emotions/anger to deal with, but dont f*ck your career for a brief victory over the other woman

if you do want to "get her back" in some way, then thats your choice but dont think it will erase how you feel about whats gone on, cos it wont and dont believe it will be a simple conclusive end to it. That mainly happens in movies not real life

nowyouresix

OP: It seems as if you working there is a way for you to keep your greatest enemy as close as possible to yourself as you can.Having her in such close proximity is already having a profound adverse effect on you. I don't believe you have forgiven your husband, or are close to being able to let it go yet. When I found out my ex husband was having an affair, my best friend's mom, who is a marriage counsellor, gave me the smallest bit of advice ever, which was not to focus on 'her'. Regardless of her, and how you perceive she is acting, this is an issue that you and your husband have. I would step back a while if I were you, and ask yourself a few questions.....
If you stay working there, your mental health will suffer....fact. Is she worth it?
If you focus on her every move, and remain all consumed with her, and her antics, will this in any way improve the situation between you and your husband ?
Being honest with yourself, do you think that all this may just lead to you building up a huge store of resentment towards your husband?
I'm just speaking from personal experience here....I loved my ex husband to pieces, and , like you , was shattered at his indiscretions. I tried to forgive him, really really tried, but eventually I couldn't even look at him in the face knowing what he had done with her.....I think you are your own worst enemy here by focussing on her and being even around her.
It's time you started thinking what you really want in the long term, and how you are going to achieve it, being good and kind to yourself, not beating yourself up with the stick that is "her" every single day.
Sincerely, I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you.

Idle Passerby

I think your desire for revenge on this woman is really unexpressed anger towards your husband. Working with her is a daily reminder of your husbands betrayal. The fact that you are trying to move on in your marriage makes it easier for you to focus all your hatred on her rather than the man your trying to forgive.

You should take your husbands version of events with a pinch of salt. They may have had a sordid little affair but I would be surprised if he hadn't told her some intimate details about you and his marriage (probably not very flattering or dignified details) in that period.

Holding onto the anger especially every day at work is only going to make your work suffer and prevent you from being able to put it all in the past. I would weigh up whether the job is worth the emotional stress its causing.

Mighty_Mouse

I remember the old thread and cannot believe you took the job in the end.
You have chosen "a job" over your repairing your marriage fully.
All you want is justification for revenge.

To me your decision-making points to emotional instability.

If I were the "other woman" I would be very afraid of you.
And I don't mean that in a funny way. I think you are on the path to some irrational behavior and need to stop on compare your actions with that of your former self.

This plays out like psyco-stalker-love-scorned-hollywood thriller IMO.


You have now found yourself in the predictable situation of hating resenting a co-worker. From a professional point-of-view, if you begin to poison the atmosphere within the work environment, you should be fired.

ash23

OP I really do feel for you as I have been cheated on in the past. My ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with. I moved out of our home and she practically moved in. At the time I was so angry with both of them. Him because I felt he had done so wrong and yet his life was going swimmingly while I was suffering. Her, because I felt like she had just taken my life.

However, I just kept away from the pair of them as much as possible. I used to bump into them now and then but NO WAY would I have ever put myself in a position where I had to deal with either of them on a daily basis. I genuinely cannot understand why you would do that to yourself? You are literally torturing yourself and you will never recover from this if you stay in that job.

I'm well over what happened now and I met the "other woman" recently in a shop. She scurried away while I held my ground. I feel nothing for her anymore other than slight pity. She knows her actions were bad and she is embarrassed. She needn't be. She owed me nothing. My ex is the one who should be ashamed of himself and yet he is brazen when I meet him.

Some people will never be sorry for the wrong they do. This woman might very well be one of them. But she is not your concern.
For the sake of your sanity, leave that job. This situation will not end well. You want to salvage your marriage? I suggest you put you energy and efforts into that instead of revenge.