Do I have the right to be annoyed?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I will try keep this short. My OH is working abroad at the minute, his company got a big contract there and boss asked who would be willing to go. We discussed it, the money is great and like a lot of people money is tight, so we decided he would go. We also said that Christmas would be a small affair this year, we would spend 50 euro in each other and more on his daughter. She is 12.

I said I would get all her stuff this year as he would be busy over there etc So between us we spent nearly 350 euro on her gifts; clothes, make-up, DVDs, computer games, jewellery and perfume. All the presents are wrapped and waiting fo the tree, I was so excited as I put an awful lot of effort into making sure she got nice stuff that I know she would like.

Anyway yesterday he told me he went and bought her an android phone worth a few hundred. I am angry for a number of reasons. 1 - We agreed not to go too overboard as money is tight and we had already spent 350 on her which I spent ages picking out. 2 - She just got a new phone in April from her mum (a Blackberry), she just wants a new one. 3 - As much as I love her I feel she doesn't know the value of things (what child does) but it is his responsibility to teach her that as a parent. She is very careless with her belongings and thinks that she can just get a new one of she loses or breaks it. At age 12 she has already gone through 5 or 6 different phones. I don't agree with this at all but he is her father and I have to respect that.

We have a joint account. I am very careful with money, we didn't have a whole lot growing up but my parents were good with it and my father in particular taught me well. It just angers me to see money being wasted. She already has 350 worth of great presents any 12 year old would love to get.

I feel he has disregarded my concerns and feelings on this. Money is a serious issue and sometimes I feel we are not on the same page about it. I take care of bills and mortgage etc as I am 'better' with it than he is. We had a huge row over the phone which ended in him telling me to go f*** myself.

Neyite

What about returning some of the gifts that you have under the tree already? Or does your partner feel that she should get these in addition to the phone?

tinkerbell

So let me get this straight ... Money is extremely tight for you, so tight that your partner has gone to work abroad and now he thinks it's ok to spend €500+ (maybe 600/700 even) on a 12 year old for christmas? That is crazy. OP I suggest you return all the other gifts if you can and get your money back, or else put them aside for her birthday next year.

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Yes he is expecting her to get the gifts that I have here as well. I said about not giving her all of them and he said I was being petty, which is untrue. IMO he tries too hard to be the popular parent but getting a new phone that an adult would have to work hard to get is ridiculous, she is 12 and has gone through so many. He gets very defensive. If I had known that she was getting a new phone there is no way I would have spent all that on the stuff under the tree. I am far from tight and mean-spirited but I feel this is too much. I am a firm believer in teaching the value of things and money. It has served me well in my life to have been taught this.

AhInFairness

KrissyHunter wrote: »

Hi again,

Yes he is expecting her to get the gifts that I have here as well. I said about not giving her all of them and he said I was being petty, which is untrue. IMO he tries too hard to be the popular parent but getting a new phone that an adult would have to work hard to get is ridiculous, she is 12 and has gone through so many. He gets very defensive. If I had known that she was getting a new phone there is no way I would have spent all that on the stuff under the tree. I am far from tight and mean-spirited but I feel this is too much. I am a firm believer in teaching the value of things and money. It has served me well in my life to have been taught this.

You have every right to be annoyed. Both about the money and how he spoke to you. You do not tell your partner to "go and f*ck" themself. That is an appalling way to speak to someone you're supposed to love.

It sounds like you are being the responsible parent here. All he will achieve is creating a spoiled brat who expects everything handed to her without working for it. You need to be able to agree on this. Where is her mother in this scenario?

If it were me, I would return some of the gifts already purchased. This is money from both of you, not just him. That much money being spent on a 12 year old when money is that tight is insanity.

MistyCheese

You definately do have the right to be annoyed. I was already thinking that €350 was a lot to spend on a 12 year old but that's between the two of you and if you'd discussed it and were happy with that then that's grand. But him buying a fancy new phone on top of all the other gifts? I do agree that's too much.

Your partner agreed with you on a spending limit and then ignored it so I would certainly be annoyed that a joint, mutual decision was disregarded. He may say that the child is his daughter but why agree a limit with you and then go ahead and spend above it? There's nothing wrong with treating kids at Christmas, of course, but I also don't think there's any harm in teaching children to appreciate (and look after) what they do have as well as to have a certain appreciation for the value of money. Not at 6 or 7 but certainly a 12 year old is mature enough to understand that they can't have everything and "a surprise".

movingsucks

OK, "go f--k yourself" comment aside - yes you have a right to be annoyed, no doubt.
I was just about to write that he is probably trying to be popular and will get defensive when I saw your reply. Maybe he is trying to compensate/feeling guilty for not being around more. Maybe he just saw the phone and bought it on a whim, who knows.

Anyway, the main thing here is he is not good with money. You guys agreed an amount and he went way overboard. If he wasn't happy with the amount allocated then he should've said and it could've been discussed.

How many phones the child has had and how she treats her things is nothing to do with you (I assume you are just mentioning this to prove you're not begrudging the child a new phone though ). It's great that you would like to be a good example to her but if the dad spoils her you can't do anything about it and I think you already know that.

So focus on the main issue, his bad money management. Maybe after Christmas you guys could sort out a system where you both pay x amount into the joint account for bills and savings and then have seperate "spending money" for yourselves? That way he can p1ss his away how he chooses and you don't have to be Mean Mammy telling him off.

Now, for the current situation, taking back the presents you already bought WILL make you (unfairly) the Grinch Who Stole Christmas in his eyes (even if its only temporary) so it's your call. I'm 50/50 on this, on the one hand I think that you should take them back, the girl won't know and she'll be delighted with her phone and whatever bits and pieces you have left for her. And maybe it'll hammer home the message to himself that he can't just do as he pleases and go back on an arrangement.
On the other hand do you really not want her to have the stuff and would you feel right about not giving it to her?

And back to telling you to go f--k yourself , I really hope he was having a bad day and doesn't usually speak to you like that!

ABajaninCork

With a brand new android phone, I doubt the OP will be the Grinch who stole Christmas!

But E350's worth of presents AND the phone is way OTT for a child. Especially as she got another expensive phone not even a year ago. Is the father trying to compete with the mother?? It's beyond ridiculous IMO.

OP. Is there any way you can have another chat with your husband? Explain that the total amount of money spent on the child is almost a month's salary to some people. Why not take back the presents and give some money instead? That way she can go shopping with her friends (as a lot of 12 yo's like to do) and get herself stuff in the sales that she likes.

Stavro Mueller

I reckon your OH may be overcompensating for not being there for his daughter. Or is competing against her mother. I too agree that it's too much to give her and would be inclined to try and return some of the presents of hold onto them for another occasion e.g. her birthday. I suspect your OH knew he was in the wrong, hence the poetic comment he made.

Hopefully things will have calmed down a bit now. I think it's important that you have a civilised chat about this and what to do next. No accusations, no raised voices,

ABajaninCork

I also think he might be trying to buy the child's love by showering her with expensive gifts. Your husband needs to really think about this carefully.

If you give the gifts 'as is' now, what happens when it comes to her birthday? Next Christmas?, Events after that. The kid'll probably expect the same if not better. Your OP states money is tight now. What happens when you're even more short? The contract has a finite term, and might not be renewed.

I agree you should have a calm chat without the name-calling from his side. I think he did that as he was embarrassed....(I hope so anyway!!)

LittleBook

I agree with the other posters, in this situation I would take back the presents I had bought and let him give her the phone. If he's over-compensating for something or competing with the mother, that's between them, he'll have to deal with the consequences.

KrissyHunter wrote: »

We have a joint account. I am very careful with money, we didn't have a whole lot growing up but my parents were good with it and my father in particular taught me well. It just angers me to see money being wasted. She already has 350 worth of great presents any 12 year old would love to get.

I feel he has disregarded my concerns and feelings on this. Money is a serious issue and sometimes I feel we are not on the same page about it. I take care of bills and mortgage etc as I am 'better' with it than he is. We had a huge row over the phone which ended in him telling me to go f*** myself.

Just on this part ... if your partner wants to let you take care of the finances because you're "better" at it than he is and you have a joint account, he can't just decide on a whim to spend hundreds on something you haven't discussed. He can't have his cake and eat it.

And I often find that some people who are completely careless with money are very quick to judge someone who is careful with money as "mean". Apart from the issue at hand I would think very carefully about his attitude to money and your finances going forward.

Daisy M

While I think what you have spent is too much especially considering that her mam will probably buy gifts too, I think you could have a little more understanding.
Your partner is away from home, missing everyone he is close to, buying a gift for his daughter is the only real way he has right now of connecting with her, aside from phone calls. You have taken the good out of this for him. Anymore let him choose what his daughter gets and there will be no more arguments.