Trust issues with gf? :(

LegacyUser

I've been with my current gf about 9 months, everything is great, or so it seems. She's a very quiet girl but I love her loads. We've had ups and downs of course, little tiffs here and there but nothing major. I've always been there when she was upset, to help her, and of course I'd give anything to see her happy, anything. I'm upset because, I went out last night, and usually I don't check my phone when I'm out, because I'm busy or I don't hear it going off.

I came home and she text shortly after out of the blue, saying hey, at a late hour, which I found odd because it's not usual for her to be up so late. She just said hey, to which I said hello back, and made a remark as to why she was up so late (not in a bad way, just out of curiosity!), I knew by how she was acting she was upset, so I asked was she okay, was there anything she want to talk about, and that I could tell something was up, and for her to let it out if she wanted. She responded with "no thanks I've wanted to say something all night (while I was gone I assume), but I didn't know if I should text, I couldn't help it. Forget I text you at all, make me feel less like an idiot, night"

Of course, I couldn't make head nor tail of this, and I still can't. The no thanks is what kills me, like she was saying no thanks to me being there? I tried to talk her, and say she should tell me anything and always anytime if there was anything on her mind. I told her even though I was out, if she was sad or upset to call me, if she needed to talk urgently, and even if I couldn't talk then and there I'd comfort her and tell her I'd be home shortly etc if I couldn't talk at that exact moment. She didn't respond and I left it till this morning

Got a text this morning, "I was sad and upset, and I just wanted you to be there, I'm over it now so don't worry" Of course, this broke my heart, cause for one, I was there! I came home and I said what's wrong, and I comforted her and told her I was there, but she turned it around and said I wasn't! I felt like a total failure as a bf, as the person who loves her and the person she can trust, she chose not to trust me, and secondly because she was upset, and she still chose not to discuss it. She is clearly still upset, so I talked, and said what's wrong, what did I do/what happened between us that made you not want to tell me, assured her I was always there for her. She said that she was reluctant to tell me what was wrong, and was afraid I'd get angry. Which makes me so sad because I've never once gotten angry with her? Especially not when she was upset or had stuff on her mind? We talked a bit more but she assured me I did nothing wrong, and that it's not my fault, to which I still asked what happened that made her think I would get angry, but she never said, never responded and left it there

I feel like a failure. What happened to make her feel this? Is she losing trust or feelings in me? If she is scared or worried about talking to me, I must have done something, but things were perfect between us until out of the blue she does this I'm at a loss, and she still refuses to tell me what was wrong I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should try talk about it again, or if I should just give her space away from me for a while, I don't know what to feel but I feel bad Any advice is appreciated immensely

P. Breathnach

Let me paint a picture for you. You are out, and your girlfriend is at home, watching television. Something she sees makes her feel sad, a bit weepy. If you were there she might have turned to you and asked for a hug to make her feel better, but you weren't there. So she is now both sad and missing you a bit. She texts you late at night looking for a bit of reassurance, but also feels a bit stupid for feeling as she does, and does not really want to talk about it. And you end up puzzled and worried.

Of course I don't know if that is the explanation. But my point is this: you could be wrong in thinking her behaviour was caused by you, or is an indication of a problem in your relationship.

kunst nugget

trustmeplease wrote: »

She said that she was reluctant to tell me what was wrong, and was afraid I'd get angry. Which makes me so sad because I've never once gotten angry with her? Especially not when she was upset or had stuff on her mind? We talked a bit more but she assured me I did nothing wrong, and that it's not my fault, to which I still asked what happened that made her think I would get angry, but she never said, never responded and left it there

I feel like a failure. What happened to make her feel this? Is she losing trust or feelings in me? If she is scared or worried about talking to me, I must have done something, but things were perfect between us until out of the blue she does this I'm at a loss, and she still refuses to tell me what was wrong I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should try talk about it again, or if I should just give her space away from me for a while, I don't know what to feel but I feel bad Any advice is appreciated immensely

She is testing you by playing passive aggressive mind games with you. I'd imagine it's a pattern that will start to develop if you let it.

LegacyUser

kunst nugget wrote: »

She is testing you by playing passive aggressive mind games with you. I'd imagine it's a pattern that will start to develop if you let it.

Hi, OP here, thanks for your response, that's interesting, how do I not let it develop? And why is she plying a mind game for no reason? She's quite insecure at times, can either be very happy or very insecure and hard to reach, there's never a happy medium. Sometimes she can be needy and clingy, sometimes then she acts like she doesn't even want to know me. At times I think she loves me, at times I think she despises me. I love her and how we get on, she's funny and great laugh and everything I love in a girl so I want to really get some help on why she's doing this, it's kind of a hangup I have about her but more importantly how do I not let this pattern of passive aggressive mindgames continue? Thank you

curlzy

I don't think she's playing games with you at all. It sounds like she's insecure. I've suffered with insecurity in the past and it's not a nice feeling. However, it's not a reflection on you either. I'd say she got paranoid that you were out without her and just wanted a bit of reasurrance and texted you and then felt silly. That's the worst part of being insecure, it' makes you feel like a bit of a loony because sometimes there's no reason to feel insecure, you just do. So I think the best thing to do is have a proper talk to her, i.e. not text. Just tell her it made you feel bad that she didn't tell you what's up. Tell her that if she was feeling a bit insecure that's ok, that everyone gets like that sometimes and it's not something to feel bad about. Tell her that her not confiding in you when there's obviously something up with her is making YOU feel insecure in the relationship, enphasise to her that it's ok to feel insecure sometimes and the best cure is to say it and get some reasurrance. THat's what I did when I used to feel insecure. I'd say "Fiancée**, I'm feeling a bit insecure and shaky today" and he'd give me a big squishy hug and that would make it better.

Tip: Hugs are awesome for insecurity, well any kind of closeness is really, so give her lots and lots of hugs (if she wants them obviously!).


** Not really his name : )

kunst nugget

trustmeplease wrote: »

Hi, OP here, thanks for your response, that's interesting, how do I not let it develop? And why is she plying a mind game for no reason? She's quite insecure at times, can either be very happy or very insecure and hard to reach, there's never a happy medium. Sometimes she can be needy and clingy, sometimes then she acts like she doesn't even want to know me. At times I think she loves me, at times I think she despises me. I love her and how we get on, she's funny and great laugh and everything I love in a girl so I want to really get some help on why she's doing this, it's kind of a hangup I have about her but more importantly how do I not let this pattern of passive aggressive mindgames continue? Thank you

By being confident in who you are. If you know you haven't done anything to upset her then don't second guess why she is off with you. Ask her outright what is wrong with her. If she still deals in non specifics, tell her that's no good to you and an honest and trusting relationship can't work with out proper communication.

Sorcha16

Needy, melodramatic, attention-seeking is what this is. I sincerely hope your girlfriend is young enough to warrant this juvenile behaviour, otherwise reassure her that you love her but also make it clear that you're not going to be subjected to headwreck every time you leave the house.

Give her an opportunity to talk and if she doesn't, leave it at that. You're her boyfriend, not a puppet on her emotionally-charged string

kylith

OP, I think that you're overreacting a bit. It sounds to me like the situation you get when a joke has been overhyped to the point that you don't want to tell it because there's no way it can be as funny as it was made out to be: she texted about something that was probably something silly, and now it's been worked up in your mind into her not trusting you, you've done something wrong, and your relationship's falling apart.

Relax, don't ask about it again, just let her know that she can talk to you about anything and then leave it at that.

Gauss

kunst nugget wrote: »

By being confident in who you are. If you know you haven't done anything to upset her then don't second guess why she is off with you. Ask her outright what is wrong with her. If she still deals in non specifics, tell her that's no good to you and an honest and trusting relationship can't work with out proper communication.

+1000

You need to have personal boundaries. Don't let her treat you like crap. I couldn't help notice how paranoid you are about being a good boyfriend yet you don't seem to notice what a bad girlfriend she is being, don't tolerate her childish behaviours. When she acts like a brat don't get angry, that rewards her bad behaviour with emotions and attention. Tell her calmly what you think of her behaviour and you won't tolerate it. If she doesn't apologise remove all attention.