Not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Dont really know where to start here. At present, I run my own small business and live with my boyfriend in his home town. We rent a house together. At the moment, I am very ill and have developed a condition due to stress. I constantly worry about money as I never know how business is going to go in the current climate. I get the back to work allowance but that runs out in April. Some weeks I earn next to nothing and other weeks I earn an average wage. I have thought about going back into an office environment which is what I did before my business but i've had no success for this. Jobs seem to be very thin on the ground at the moment.

The house in which we live is 2 hours away from where I am from. So when I get work in, I have to travel 4 hours a day. This has contributed to my stress greatly. I don't know anyone here. I've looked into doing courses etc in the past but it's a one horse town kinda place with not a lot going on. At present, i'd be too ill to do any courses.

Relationship wise, I love him. I really do. But he can be harsh, critical and argumentative. I feel like I slot into his life and I suppose I do. I'm no picnic either but our fights tend to be bad ones. Nothing physical but a lot of shouting and not nice things said to each other. I'm beginning to question the relationship. I'm not sure if i'm happy anymore or if i get the support that I need from the relationship. At the same time, i'm in a vulnerable situation at the moment and extra sensitive to this kind of thing. Maybe things will be better in time? Or at least, id be more able to handle them? I don't know.

I've been told by my doctor that i'm not to drive long distances as it exacerbates my illness and I am not fit for work until January. So i'm on orders to relax and take it easy.

The thing is, that's fine. But the arguments which happen every few days are really adding to my stress. I feel that everything is made out to be my fault, I seem to always feel guilty and I feel like i'm somewhat not enough. He doesn't mean things to be this way and we've discussed this before. I know that I am sensitive to feeling guilty - I always have been. SO the problem could be mine. There is no denying though that he can be a very pedantic and critical person at times.

Part of me thinks that I should just move and get a place near where I live so that i'm back around my network of family and friends while I recover. The thing is, I don't have a lot of money.. Well, enough savings to cover a few months rent but that's literally it. The other part says stay and get better - then with a clear mind, I can figure out what the best thing to do is.

One thing is for sure, this house is far too far away from my work and my network. I feel isolated and I know that once i'm better, I will have to move. In a way, i'm reluctant to move now. If I do, I will be paying huge rent for a place by myself. If I move in with others, I don't think they'd be too keen on having a sick person lounge around the house all day. . The arguments here however are driving me mad. I know my boyfriend is finding my illness difficult. I can get very irritable and upset too easily. The fact is though, we've always argued a lot. We're together almost 2 years.

In an ideal world, i'd maybe not be self employed for a while. The stress is immense, with no colleagues to share it with. I'd love a job that utilises my skills but i'm not sure i'm gonna find it in Ireland. I think about maybe moving to London but I know my boyfriend wouldn't come. He has just finished intense study and is trying to carve out a new career at the moment. He doesn't have a lot of money as he only has a few hours work a week.

I know there are a million and one things going on in this post and my mind is whirring about trying to make sense of it all. I suppose I feel trapped. I'm relatively young and I just feel like i've too much stress in my life at the moment and it needs to go. I'm not sure what needs to go though or where to start. And I don't know where to find a peaceful place so that I can recover first. Moving home is not an option. Don't want to go into that but it isnt.

Please help me to make sense of this overwhelming situation. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

looksee

One thought occurs to me, I am not an authority on this but it might be worth investigating. If you are on back to work allowance, but have been signed off till January you possibly should be on disability rather than back to work, and possibly the other payment might restart in January which would give you a bit longer? I might be wrong about that but maybe you should enquire.

It also sounds a bit impractical to try and run a business from 2 hours away, you need to be on the spot to pick up any jobs that might be available. But you are not supposed to be working anyway and a combination of stress and trying to work is likely to slow down your recovery.

As to your relationship, you say yourself you are aware that your stress may be affecting your judgment, and this is very true, it is easy to make bad decisions when you are stressed.

Do you think it is mostly insecurity about money or concern about your relationship that is causing the most problems? If you are most concerned about money, then may be you are not cut out to be self-employed, it is a very stressful way to make a living.

Even allowing for your frame of mind at the moment, your boyfriend does not sound very supportive. I wonder if you could possibly agree with him that you will move back closer to your home town and friends until you are better? Even if you could get someone to take you in for a week you would have an idea of whether you felt more relaxed away from him.

I know you do not have a lot of money, but you could perhaps then get a house share and see if you still feel the same about him as time goes on. It doesn't seem very likely that you will get better if you are living in a situation that you find stressful. You do not have to make a final decision at the moment, though if he makes an issue of it then it could be that you should leave anyway.

edellc

I think you need to move closer to your business as anyone having to travel a 4hr round trip to work is bound to have extreme stress levels in their life, so that is one think that needs to change in your life and soon.

Your OH doesnt sound very supportive however the stress of money and travel to work could be playing a huge factor in your relationship, only you know that, but some time apart may be a good thing to see if he is contributing to your stress levels or not

Everything just sounds very hectic and stressful to me and you sound like you want and need to hit the stop button and chill for a few this however probably isnt likely but something has to give and I hope you dont let it be your health OP as its the one thing in life we can not buy back once its been effected so look after yourself and be a bit selfish and put you first as no one else will and no one else has to live with the effects this stress has on your life

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I really feel for you, its not easy being in a position like that, I know too well the stress of running your own business, working on a week to week basis hoping that things will work out and money will not be an issue.

The fact that you have to travel 2 hours to and from work makes it all that bit harder. Also your doc has taken you out sick and puts alot of it down to stress/traveling, this is something you really need to to look at. Even after Jan when you are allowed to go back you are still going to be facing into the same problem as before, the traveling to and from work. Your health has to come first no matter what. If you could honestly say that you would get all the love and support from your OH at home while out sick I would say, stay where you are. The fact he seems to be on your back every couple of days will make your recovery harder and longer. You should look into shared accomodation as an option even for a few months.

As for living in a one horse town, it not easy when you are on the outside, some places do not like outsiders at all, this I know from experience. Places like that can zap the life out of you and you will feel like a prisoner in your home.

Your OH knows you well, if he is able to knowingly make you feel guilty over every argument. This is not a good point and from what you have said, this will continue. You do not deserve that, no one does.

Question, Would you be happy to marry your OH and live where your currently live for the rest of your life?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. Really appreciate it.

I've moved house a few times this year already. 3 times in fact. Moved out of my houseshare to move home briefly before moving here. The thoughts of having to move this side of Christmas makes me want to curl up in a ball!!

There is no doubt about it. My partner definitely contributes to my stress levels. Again, it could be due to the situation going on.

I've realised that I definitely do need to move. Do I do that now though? In a strange way, I almost dont feel strong enough for a house share. New people and trying to make a good impression with them is very difficult when you're feeling so ill all the time. Plus I do think it would be off putting to them that im home all the time until mid jan.. Its a bit of an ask.

Living on my own is the other option. Prices are expensive but thats just the way things are. I'm not sure how long I could sustain the high rent for also. The other thing is that i'm concerned i'd be a bit lonely on my own. Ive never done it before and I dont really like my own company. I do from time to time and I need space just like everyone else. But I don't want too much space - i've just never been a big fan of solitude.

So the next option is to stay here. But with things the way they are, the atmosphere is awful. I've almost essentially given up on trying to sort things or make the atmosphere better. My perception is that i'm blamed and critcised a lot by him. He doesn't agree with me. So it's like i'm not entitled to my own feelings because he doesn't agree with them.

The last thing I could do would be to move to somewhere like London for a fresh start but this won't happen until i'm better. If I cant handle a houseshare at the moment, I certainly cant handle a new city.

I just want things to change. I want to feel peace. I want a regular income which I don't feel is attainable in Ireland. But more than anything at the moment, I just want to get myself better. It just seems that each option is just as stressful as the other. i just don't know how to solve it.

edellc

no wonder you feel stressed OP your all over the place, you have all these thoughts and options but they are all for later not now and its the here and now that you need to worry about not later, yes you have moved 3 times this year and yes moving is stressful, believe me in one year I had to move 4 times all while I was pregnant and then had a new born it was a nightmare but had to be done in order for me to be in the right place for me, my partner and our child. You just do what you have to do as nobody else will put you first so you just have to be selfish and do it.

So I read all your options, however it is coming up to christmas and where you are is not a good place both for you and your partner, so is there any chance you can move back to your family home until the new year and then you can have some time out and then have a fresh start in the new year.

As for what you do after that, only you can decide but I think once you have time out and some of that stress taken away then you will be able to look at things a lot clearer and maybe then you can start to make the bigger changes that are needed.