Boyfriend likes to go clubbing without me...

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties and have been going out with each other for a year and a half. He has recently started a college course and goes out clubbing with his new college friends every week. These are a mixture of girls and guys. However he doesn't invite me out to clubs. Ever. I have asked him why once before and he said that it would be like 'inviting his brother along' (I'm a girl by the way). He then tried to say that he 'sees me as family' and that he likes to go clubbing with his friends. I didn't know how to take that one.

Also he is really odd about the idea of the two of us going to a pub by ourselves. He feels that pubs/ clubs are places where you need to have a group of friends with you. My close friends (who I used to go out with) have all moved away recently and I have joined a new club - but people at the club and people at work just have no interest in going out. I feel really alone and left out.

Tonight I am going to town to meet a guy friend who I haven't met up with in years. My boyfriend knows this and is fine with it. However my boyfriend is going out in the same town. When I suggested meeting up he said half heatedly that I could meet him later (but he really didn't seem bothered about this). Also when I had invited him to my flat (which is much nicer than his accommodation) he said that he would probably go back to the student halls with his friends.

I feel like I must simply be much more into him than he is into me despite the fact he says he loves me. I want to take a step back as I don't want to be SO into him. He knows that I only have a couple of more weekends in the same city for a while (as I need to move to another city for a few months) and yet he isn't bothered about seeing me more often. I will be back in the same city as him soon though and we've been apart before so our relationship should be okay as far as that goes.

Any insight to the above chaotic ramble would be great thank you. I just wish I could love him a bit less to make things more balanced.

ShaShaBear

mysterygirl wrote: »

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties and have been going out with each other for a year and a half. He has recently started a college course and goes out clubbing with his new college friends every week. These are a mixture of girls and guys. However he doesn't invite me out to clubs. Ever. I have asked him why once before and he said that it would be like 'inviting his brother along' (I'm a girl by the way). He then tried to say that he 'sees me as family' and that he likes to go clubbing with his friends. I didn't know how to take that one.

Also he is really odd about the idea of the two of us going to a pub by ourselves. He feels that pubs/ clubs are places where you need to have a group of friends with you. My close friends (who I used to go out with) have all moved away recently and I have joined a new club - but people at the club and people at work just have no interest in going out. I feel really alone and left out.

Tonight I am going to town to meet a guy friend who I haven't met up with in years. My boyfriend knows this and is fine with it. However my boyfriend is going out in the same town. When I suggested meeting up he said half heatedly that I could meet him later (but he really didn't seem bothered about this). Also when I had invited him to my flat (which is much nicer than his accommodation) he said that he would probably go back to the student halls with his friends.

I feel like I must simply be much more into him than he is into me despite the fact he says he loves me. I want to take a step back as I don't want to be SO into him. He knows that I only have a couple of more weekends in the same city for a while (as I need to move to another city for a few months) and yet he isn't bothered about seeing me more often. I will be back in the same city as him soon though and we've been apart before so our relationship should be okay as far as that goes.

Any insight to the above chaotic ramble would be great thank you. I just wish I could love him a bit less to make things more balanced.

Sounds, unfortunately, very much like an ex of mine from two years ago who behaved JUST like this. It turned out that the reason he wouldn't invite me out was because he was using it as an opportunity to flex his stuff and see if he still "had it". Now, to the best of my knowledge, he never cheated with me. But I did learn after we split, that he flirted outrageously with a number of women (that he knew quite well) while he was out. He was quite loving towards me when we sat in together alone, but like your fella he didnt see the need to leave the house with me unless it was with a group. He also wouldn't socialise with my friends, and was less than bothered when I told him I would be moving home. In fact, we didnt see each other for a whole month while I went home at Christmas, and he went clubbing New Years Eve (and didnt invite me) with a girl he knew I despised.

I guess, based on my experience, he's just not that into you - He might love you, and could still even be in love with you, but is holding on to his separate single life and using you as the reliable liferaft. Just my opinion

Big Bag of Chips

I think you should sit him down for a chat. Tell him exactly how you feel. It is strange that he doesn't want to go out with you. Do you ever go out on dates? Saying he thinks of you like his 'brother' would worry me? He sounds like he's enjoying the newness of being in college and the college life. But has he told any of his college friends he has a girlfriend?

It's hard to know, because we don't know him. You know him. You know what he's like - has he always been this way, or is it a new thing with him?

Either way you need to sit down and have a chat...

sffc

Not usually this blunt OP but if he's treating you like this after 18 months whats it going to be like in five years? ??? This is meant to be the golden phase of your relationship when everything is so fresh and new! You need a big hug - and a new fella

Tasden

Op when I was still with my ex my friends used to invite me out to clubs and my ex would get insanely jealous if I even thought about going without him. Now I'm not saying you are like him, you're perfectly entitled to question it but what I'm trying to say is in my own situation I can hand on heart say I just wanted some fun friend time. Nothing sinister at all. But my ex could not grasp this and so far all the replies seem to be of the same opinion (perhaps more due to his behaviour as well), I only ever wanted a few drinks with my friends and a good time, same way he went over to his friends house to play xbox or whatever else.

Its only healthy to want alone time with your friends without your partner every now and again. And if his friends are there alone he may feel a bit awkward being the only one bringing a partner. Also, I never really enjoy clubbing with a partner, would rather a meal or drinks in a quiet pub. But you know him best and if you feel his behaviour is unacceptable then you need to discuss it with him. Best of luck.

CaraMay

He is innocent til proven guilty and the immediate issue here is that you are not happy with what he is doing and he won't listen to you...

You need to sit him down again. I personal ly find it bizarre that it's all the time but each to their own.

Roisy7

Nothing wrong with going out separately with separate groups but NEVER wanting to go out with you OP?! That rings serious alarm bells in my mind and any guy who said I was like his "brother" would find himself sent to Coventry for a few days!

I hate to say it but it seems like this guy isn't that into you and you need to decide if "halfhearted" is enough for you. If you're moving away there's no better time to make a break if a break must be made.

Good luck OP x

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, do ye ever go anywhere together?

tinkerbell

Ok OP, so in summary:

- you are going out for 18 months
- he doesn't invite you along on any night out
- he refers to you as "his brother"
- you are more like "family" and he only wants "friends" out clubbing with him and by that, he's implied you are NOT his friend either
- he won't go to a pub alone with you
- he didn't want to meet up with you during a night out
- he didn't want to go back to your place after
- he isn't bothered that you've to move away for a few months

Now, looking at that list tells you what's going on. He's not into you. Who the feck refers to their gf as their brother? Like wtf is that about? You are the person he gets intimate with, wakes up beside in the morning, etc. how is that supposed to be "like a brother"? Nobody in their right mind would EVER refer to their bf/gf as sister/brother, that's just bloody weird. It strikes me that he's not comfortable with the relationship and just doesn't see you as a gf.

I also find it very weird that he doesn't consider you a friend either - you're together 18 months! Surely you have a pretty good level of friendship by now! Re. clubbing without you - be doesn't want to introduce you to his friends. Re. refusing to go to pub alone withou you - it's because he doesn't wanna be seen alone with you. I'm guessing that he's telling his friends he's single and doesn't want people to know he's still with you. This ties into not wanting to meet up with you during the most recent night out.

Why didn't he want to go home with you? After all his behaviour, presumably he prefers sticking with his new buddies and partying with all them than going to his gf's bed. That is pretty damn weird OP.

He doesn't care you're gonna be moving away - he's not invested in the relationship. You re bottom of his priority list. He doesn't love you - that's not how you treat someone you love. He may even be already cheating on you (this whole thing of hiding you from his new buddies seems to imply that).

OP, you deserve better. Talk to him and tell him things have to change or else you'll be finishing the relationship. However, I get the impression that he's behaving like this and hoping you'll dump him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and dump you. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you ever go out on dates? Saying he thinks of you like his 'brother' would worry me? Has he told any of his college friends he has a girlfriend? Has he always been this way, or is it a new thing with him?

We sometimes go on dates. We went out once together during the week. It was to a pub where one of his friends was celebrating a birthday. I barely got to speak to my boyfriend as we were both speaking to different people a the pub. I had to ask him if it was okay for me to go back to his place. I felt so clingy doing this. I wanted him to have invited me first. I mentioned this but apparently he was delighted I had asked (I'm not so sure).
The next night he came over to my house but was too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and fall asleep. Fair enough.
Then Saturday night after I posted here I messaged him to basically explain that the way he had invited me along in a half hearted way was strange. He said that it was because he thought it would be strange to introduce me and my male friend to his uni friends. He said he'd prefer to just introduce me. Fair enough again.

I said that I wasn't planning on spending all night out with my friend. My boyfriend said he would text me at midnight to let me know where they were. I kept an eye out for his text. He texted at ten past one saying 'it might be a quiet one' and that they 'were just going to have a few more drinks before heading back'.

He has absolutely no idea how close he has been to losing me.
The male friend I met up with last night is someone I have incredible chemistry with, but nothing has ever happened because over the eight years we've known each other one of us has always been in a relationship. My male friend made it very clear last night that he wanted something to happen but that it basically was up to me. I'm not into cheating so nothing did happen but grr what a mess. I wish my boyfriend could know that yes, someone else wanted me - but I can't exactly tell him this as it would seem like a silly way to make him jealous.

Thanks to Everyone for your replies.

Roisy7

mysterygirl wrote: »

We sometimes go on dates. We went out once together during the week. It was to a pub where one of his friends was celebrating a birthday. I barely got to speak to my boyfriend as we were both speaking to different people a the pub. I had to ask him if it was okay for me to go back to his place. I felt so clingy doing this. I wanted him to have invited me first. I mentioned this but apparently he was delighted I had asked (I'm not so sure).
The next night he came over to my house but was too tired to do anything other than watch a movie and fall asleep. Fair enough.
Then Saturday night after I posted here I messaged him to basically explain that the way he had invited me along in a half hearted way was strange. He said that it was because he thought it would be strange to introduce me and my male friend to his uni friends. He said he'd prefer to just introduce me. Fair enough again.

I said that I wasn't planning on spending all night out with my friend. My boyfriend said he would text me at midnight to let me know where they were. I kept an eye out for his text. He texted at ten past one saying 'it might be a quiet one' and that they 'were just going to have a few more drinks before heading back'.

He has absolutely no idea how close he has been to losing me.
The male friend I met up with last night is someone I have incredible chemistry with, but nothing has ever happened because over the eight years we've known each other one of us has always been in a relationship. My male friend made it very clear last night that he wanted something to happen but that it basically was up to me. I'm not into cheating so nothing did happen but grr what a mess. I wish my boyfriend could know that yes, someone else wanted me - but I can't exactly tell him this as it would seem like a silly way to make him jealous.

Thanks to Everyone for your replies.

Seriously OP as I read this I got madder and madder. Why do you want to make him jealous? Why do you think he'd even care?!

He's full of bull**** excuses. You felt clingy asking if you could stay with him after a night out? Why should you feel like that? You should be comfortable with a boyfriend. He should be delighted to have you to stay.

As for not introducing you because your friend was there- that's not fair enough. It's crap. How much effort is it to say, this is X, my girlfriend, and this is her friend?

This guy thinks very little of you and you are just taking it all. I have to ask why. Nowhere have you mentioned that you love him or even like him very much. Nowhere have you said you have fun with him. Then what is the bloody point?!

If you like your friend and have done for so long, why are you with this loser who just wants a part-time girlfriend to occupy himself with when he's not with the lads? Why are you with someone who calls himself your "brother"?!!!!!!!! Why not dump him and take the chance with your friend?!!

He has absolutely no idea how close he has been to losing me.

Would he even care?!!! As I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with having separate social lives, in fact it's healthy for a couple to socialise apart sometimes. But he just isn't bothered imo. He wants to have the single college life and I think you should let him.

tinkerbell

mysterygirl wrote: »

The male friend I met up with last night is someone I have incredible chemistry with, but nothing has ever happened because over the eight years we've known each other one of us has always been in a relationship. My male friend made it very clear last night that he wanted something to happen but that it basically was up to me. I'm not into cheating so nothing did happen but grr what a mess. I wish my boyfriend could know that yes, someone else wanted me - but I can't exactly tell him this as it would seem like a silly way to make him jealous.

Thanks to Everyone for your replies.

Well OP, what are you doing wasting your time on a guy who has no real interest in you? You said you've chemistry with this other guy, so why not dump your loser boyfriend and start something with the other guy? There's no point in wanting to try to make your current bf jealous when your bf doesn't really show interest in you anyway.

And by the way, his excuses are BS. I would nearly bet that he's been telling his college friends that either he is single or that his relationship with you is on the rocks so that he can try to get with one of his new friends.

Life is too short to waste it on people who do not make you blissfully happy. You may have a great relationship ahead of you with this other guy (or you may not) but at least go for it rather than wasting it on some idiot who doesn't give a crap about you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I DON'T want to make him jealous - apologies if I didn't make that clear enough in my last post.
Things can't happen with this friend of mine because he lives in another country and also I know that he's not the relationship type. He like the idea of being free and I'm not going to try and tame him.
I'm just writing a whole bunch of negative things here about my boyfriend so I guess I'm showing you a very narrow window of what he is like.
I just wish that last night when he was out with his friends that he could have said 'I need a night with my friends' (as we did see each other a lot the weekend before)...instead of saying he'd text me and then only texts me when it's too late to get across town.
I want him to know that this bothered me but I don't want to have a go at him.
I texted him a couple of hours ago to see if he could let me know when he'd be free for a phone call. No reply yet.

tony81

I think it's perfectly fine that he doesn't want you to go out with his group of friends the whole time although it would probably be the done thing to at least let you meet them once.

As for not going to the pub just the two of you.. that is really odd, especially if you made it clear to him that you want to go to the pub with him.

IrishEyes19

I would normally say its grand not going out together with friends all the time. But never is weird and I would say walk away. Only because I had a similar situation and it drove me crazy. I intergrated him into my group of friends on some nights to try and gel the situation and see if he would do the same, but to no avail. Talked about it, he didnt like it. Eventually I just felt rejected and as if he was embarassed of me or something.

Anyway I suggest you sit him down once more and try. If not, just walk away. Of course you want your own nights out with friends without partners, but its riddiculous, the way he is acting.

Lorna123

He is simply not fulfilling your needs as a b/f. That is the bottom line. It doesn't matter whether he is telling you the truth, or lying to you, wants to be with you or doesn't want to be with it. He is not making you happy and you don't feel on top of the world with this guy. You don't have the gut feeling that he loves you either no matter what he says. Words are cheap, actions speak louder and this guy is most definitely not showing his love by his actions. He would get on my nerves OP to tell you the truth and I woudln't be long about dumping him. Life is too short for trying to figure him out. Dump him and find someone whom you don't have to second guess.

neveah

Agree with the previous posters, dump him, he's not fulfilling your needs. A couple should be able to socialise together, with their friends and on their own. One should never make the other feel left out, alone or isolated. That is not a healthly or fair relationship. There are alarm bells and red flags all over this one OP, is it really worth it? In my experience, no. Best of luck.

curlzy

OP, you're accepting too little from your brother/boyfriend. Honestly you're selling yourself short here and making an eejit of yourself. No one puts up with sh*te like that off their "boyfriend". Come on now. You've more sense than this surely? Call it off and be single until you can value yourself enough not to accept bullsh*t from guys.

sffc

Agree with all the others. You are being treated like a doormat . And why? Because you are allowing yourself to be treated in this way. Have some respect for yourself and stop chasing him and waiting for his calls. Tell him its over today and cut contact.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I was in a similar situation with an ex a few years ago. After being together a year or two he just started to get weird about nights out. He would always state that he was going out, stopped inviting me entirely and I ended up feeling incredibly pathetic and sad asking him if I could go too (and this was with mutual friends sometimes). It turns out that he wanted to have a single life along with a relationship, he ended up cheating on me several times.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is doing that, but it sounds worrying that he never wants you to come out, and doesn't come home to you. Most people like to come home after a night out to their loved one dont they?

Bottom line is, your gut is telling you there is something wrong here, or you wouldnt have posted online about it. Don't let any guy make you feel like you're not wanted, and not part of their social life. Don't let anyone make you feel clingy or pathetic, its never worth it in the long run.

Good luck with it x

CatEyed92

Dear OP,

You can do better.

Dump the dope and have respect for yourself.

Yours sincerely
someone who experienced this, failed to do this and got burned in the end