Dysfunctional Family

LegacyUser

I have posted here before about being an alcoholic and I would love to hear people's thoughts.

Here is a bit of background: my mother and I never got on, I am an introvert and she is the exact opposite. Growing up, she was always OBSESSED with image, and what the neighbours thought. This seems to run in her family, her sisters are the exact same. My sister qualified with a good degree and my mother was thrilled. Then my sister met her husband. My mother despises him, because (a) he is not from Ireland and (b) he works in the transport industry. I remember when they announced their engagement, my mother cried at the kitchen table.

Fast forward 10 years, my sister is on heavy medication for her depression and illness. I am a recovering alcoholic, second time sober, have been sober for almost a year now. I have returned to college to do a postgraduate course in teaching English as a Foreign Language and I am hoping to get work abroad. In the meantime, I am also applying for jobs here in Ireland. At the moment I am living with my parents. I am finding my mother more and more difficult to live with. Myself and my dad bear the full force of her rages, and boy she can drop her bombs. The latest bomb is over the fact that my sis and brother in law (who can be very irritating at times) want to have a dinner party on Sunday, for mum, dad, myself, my brother and his girlfriend. No one really wants to go but my brother in law is insistant. I could not attend the last dinner party as I had lectures, but I heard it was a disaster. The word "dysfunctional" does not even begin to describe us. My mum is just off the phone to Y and I am bearing the full force of her rage, as dad is out. She has been screaming at me and using bad language, she said "that her sister is right, she is a bad mother because she reared three ******* idiots as children" and that "we are the laughingstock of the country since her daughter married a Romanian".

I admit it, I am 32 years old and terrified of my own mother. My therapist has been helping me to understand that when my mother turns on me, it's not really to do with me, it's her own pain and grief. But I'm still finding it very difficult. As I write this, I am in my bedroom, I am too afraid to go downstairs. I was texting my brother about it, he said that he is afraid that this is the kind of thing that could make me go backward. He also wrote: "To be fair to mum, whom I have little respect for and I think is an ignorant person generally, I have now lost faith in K (our sister). I hope K stays medicated and does not have kids unless something major changes. Don't want to bring you down, but I can understand how talking to Y or K triggers her anxiety. Her response to it is completely and utterly ******* unacceptable however. ****".

Dad has tried to get her to go to therapy before, but she went to two sessions and dropped out. She was concerned in case someone she knew might see her entering and leaving the therapists house. She calls me a "chronic alcoholic" and my sister a "chronic schizophrenic", neither of which is true. And I have explained to her that I am a recovering alcoholic. She reads one article on alcoholism and mental illness, and all of a sudden she is a diagnostician.

I am so angry and upset right now and any advice would be appreciated.

edellc

Op your an adult yet your post reads like a teenagers, if you dont like the situation at home then move out, neither of your parents have any obligation to your nor do they have to let you live in their house yet you are there so whatever way they behave while in their home is their business as I said if you dont like it move out.

As for the dinner party again your an adult if you dont want to go then dont who cares if your sister gets her knickers in a knot or if your brother in law is offended you have no obligation to them nor to their party so dont go.

LegacyUser

This is the OP here. Thank you for your helpful advice. I would like to say that it was my parents advice that I move back here. I would also like to add that I have made it very clear that my intention is to move out as soon as I can. When I explained to my mother that I have every intention of moving abroad, she said to me that she had better come with me as I would never make it on my own.

Thanks for your bluntness.

edellc

What your mother said is exactly what my father said to me and guess what I have never in the 13years I am living out of home asked him or needed him for anything and I have done fine...your mother is probably just worried about you and saying it as it is to you rather than sugar coating it so take what she says with a pinch of salt...you will be fine

I can understand why you moved back home and it fit it purpose for a time and it probably suits for now since you are in college, no family is "normal" or the waltons, if you even began to hear about mine you would seriously think I was telling you the latest story in a soap opera..but it is up to you how you let it affect you, you can not control their actions but you can yours

If you want to move abroad go for it but dont do it on a whim, if you have people to go with or to thats better but try walk before you run as in rent here for a little bit and then go, your still early in your recovery and if you fall off then as dysfunctional as your family are they have been there for you and will be again but its easier for them to get to you if needs be if you are close as opposed to a foreign country just so you could "prove a point" kinda thing, so if your moving abroad do it for the right reasons with proper finances in place rather than like a teenager having a strop and instead of storming out the door you go abroad

best of luck with your plans OP I really do hope they work out and a big congratulations on your sobriety

emsie80

I agree with edellc. You cannot control other peoples behaviour, ur mothers, brother or sister. These are THEIR issues not yours, however only you can control how you react to them. I know how hard it can be when your 'stuck' in the middle of this issue but you need to try to disconnect yourself from it and look after your own well being and recovery. You are an adult, your getting your life back on track, you have a plan. dont let anyone or any situation jepordise that. I dont think anyone has the 'perfect' family ( how boring would that be )

skyfall2012

I would so love boring:) I think another point is that though the OP has these problems with his family, he most likely loves them very much, but morns the fact that they cannot interact with each other normally. Therefore do not get the same feelings of security and loving that normal functioning families offer to their members.