Girl Help

LegacyUser

I need some advise and have gone unreg as I’m a regular enough poster on boards.

I’m a male in my early 30’s who’s had a couple of relationships over the years but have been single for the last couple of years. About a year ago, I looked into the idea of online dating and haven’t really managed to meet anyone until quite recently. I got chatting with a girl online, we’ve traded photos and it’s clear we have a bit of a connection but have been taking it slow somewhat. I’m skeptical about online dating and want to try and get to know the person before deciding to meet them. More recently the texts between us have taken a more sexual direction which I’ve reciprocated on. At the moment we’re texting every few days and conversation inevitably takes this course, although we have never spoken on the phone etc.

Aside from this, I’ve recently been back in touch with a girl I was mad about a number of years ago. Through circumstances, we never managed to get it together….she emigrated to the states for work about 5 years ago and I never thought I’d see her again, although we did remain in regular enough contact via email/facebook etc.. Since she’s been home (around August of this year), we’ve met up regularly and I felt there was something of a connection between us, but never did anything about it as I was happy to have her friendship (I have a very small network of friends). However, last weekend we met for dinner, had a drink or two afterward and ended up sleeping together. When we woke up we chatted for a bit and she confessed that she had feelings for me and that she never wanted to do anything about it as she didn’t think I felt the same way. Needless to say I’m delighted and I really want to make a go of a relationship with this girl. We’re both at an age where we’re thinking of settling down and I feel we’d be very happy together.

In the meantime, this other girl has been texting me and wondering why I’ve gone a bit quiet on her (in fact when I checked my phone after I left the other girls house, I had a good few texts off her which I have yet to respond to). I’m conscious that I made a bit of a connection with the girl from the online dating site, and I don’t want to hurt her by stringing her along. She’s a nice girl and has been hurt in the past so I want to tread as carefully as possible. I should note that I have never had to be the one ‘ending’ things and am completely inept when it comes to thinking of the right things to say to her. I don’t want her to think I used her to get my jollies before moving on to something else. I genuinely think that if this other girl hadn’t confessed her feelings for me that I would have met up with her to see where it went.

Any advice on what to say, or what to do would be appreciated.

Sinall

Hi OP - a friend of mine got a really honest email from a guy that she'd been in contact with through an online dating site, which said, "Really sorry to cancel our date next week, but I've been on a couple of dates with a girl recently and I think it could lead to something serious. I would really have liked to meet up with you but think it wouldn't be the right thing to do."

She was pretty impressed that he did the right thing and was honest with her. I know there's the added s3xual element of your texts with the online dating girl, but you don't want to string her along, or keep her wondering.

I'd contact her and just say that it's been really nice getting to know her, however you've only just started seeing someone and think it might lead somewhere and you just wanted to do the right thing and let her know.

P. Breathnach

Credit to you for wanting to do the right thing.

You have the ability to explain yourself in writing: your post tells us that. I am sure that you will have the ability to tell your online contact how real life has taken its own course before you and she managed to move your contact into real life. I would trust you, because of the concern you have revealed here, to do it gently and in a kind manner.

Good luck with the new relationship.

ManOfMystery

I think you should just be honest with her. I know there's been some sexual texts, but you haven't met up or slept together yet or even spoken - she may have formed a connection with you because of the texts, but it's not at that stage yet where she is likely to be heartbroken if you nip things in the bud.

Just tell her that someone you care about has re-entered your life and you feel you could make an honest go of things with her. And explain that this situation only occurred after you got in touch with the girl online, so you weren't leading her on or messing her around and you just want to be honest about how the situation has changed.

It's also not really fair on girl B (the one you slept with) for you to be texting someone else whilst she thinks you're embarking on a new relationship together, so whatever you're going to do - do it soon.

Good luck anyway, and I'm glad things appear to be working out between you and the girl you were mad about.

Merkin

You haven't even met with the online dating girl so while you feel there may be a connection it is probably tenuous enough in reality eventhough it may feel more intense. You sound like a nice chap and I'd just be as honest as you have been in your post. Tell her you've gotten together with an old friend and that you can see it flourishing and because of that it's best to sever contact and wish her well. Best of luck!!

Sorcha16

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I am sure that you will have the ability to tell your online contact how real life has taken its own course before you and she managed to move your contact into real life.

I don't get this 'real life' reference at all -as though online communication is some sort of alternative universe inhabited by zombie robots instead of real, live people too.

Yes, of course contact is comparatively limited but that is no basis to believe that the OP doesn't have the potential to get on better, worse or the same with the girl he met online as the one who knows from 'real life'

All life is real OP -personally I wouldn't be inclined to put all my eggs in one basket with either girl at this early stage. I understand you mentioned you're at an age where you wish things to advance but that's no reason to be hasty.

I don't see any reason why you should pledge exclusivity to any girl without getting to know them both comprehensively

P. Breathnach

Sorcha16 wrote: »

I don't get this 'real life' reference at all -as though online communication is some sort of alternative universe inhabited by zombie robots instead of real, live people too.

Standard language used to distinguish between people we know only through the internet and people we have met in person. It's not a loaded term, nor does OP seem to disregard the fact that behind the online persona is a real person whose feelings should be considered.

...
I don't see any reason why you should pledge exclusivity to any girl without getting to know them both comprehensively

He has slept with one of them, and it seems that they have had "the talk". If OP wants to build on that, then it seems to me to be appropriate that he concentrate on her exclusively.

Sorcha16

P. Breathnach wrote: »

He has slept with one of them, and it seems that they have had "the talk". If OP wants to build on that, then it seems to me to be appropriate that he concentrate on her exclusively.

Sleeping with someone isn't a barometer of compatibility, nor is there any indication that the OP has spoken about exclusivity with this girl, as opposed to a pillow-talk simple sharing of feelings together

Irish_Elect_Eng

Good advice here...focus on one potential partner.

It would be good to sort this out quickly. If in the future one of the ladies became aware that you were "holding the other in reserve" it would not end well.

You seem like you want to do the right thing, and as a previous poster stated you can write well. A well worded email should do the trick and will be appreciated I would think.

ManOfMystery

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Sleeping with someone isn't a barometer of compatibility, nor is there any indication that the OP has spoken about exclusivity with this girl, as opposed to a pillow-talk simple sharing of feelings together

The 'barometer' of compatibility here is that the OP has said he has a connection with both girls, in which case I would agree with P.Breathnach that he should thus focus on the one he has actually met, slept with and has more of a history with.

Although you don't see any reason for him to pursue exclusivity at this early stage, it's obvious from his opening post that he's someone who doesn't want to hurt the feelings of either girl. As these girls appear to be unaware of each other and the vast majority of people would be a bit irked if they found out a new partner also had another partner on the go, I think his approach is the prudent and honest one and will lead to less strife for him down the line.

miamee

As others have said, be as honest and open with the online dating girl as you possibly can be. Some of the suggested emails sound perfect and make sure that you tell her you were really looking forward to meeting her but that it wouldn't be fair to her or to the other girl to meet her now that you are pursuing something with your old friend.

She'll be disappointed but not heartbroken and at least will still have her pride intact rather than wondering if she did or said something wrong to change the direction things were going in.

Good luck with the new relationship :pac::D

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your advice.

I've taken a day or two to digest the best course of action and have penned her an email which I'm hoping to send this evening. My worry is her texts have gotten a bit more intense over the last couple of days whereas I've been trying to keep the contact relatively 'bright and breezy'.

Yesterday, I got an email saying I had a friend request on facebook from someone in the same company she works for. Low and behold the girl from the online dating site is in said girl's friend list, which leads me to believe that I've been discussed with people she works with. The friend request was immediately rescinded but I got the email saying it was made in the first place and I did my homework from there.

Now, I didn't feel like we were ever even near the stage where we'd be telling anyone about each other (I wouldn't have considered telling anyone until we had a few dates under the belt!). This friend request has raised a red-flag with me and it's caused me procrastinate over sending the email.

Things are progressing nicely with the other girl after seeing each other a couple of times this week, but I need to put the other thing to bed and forget about it.

For those asking, I've made the call in my mind who I want to exclusively be with - I won't be considering a relationship with the girl from the online dating site. I just want to make sure she doesn't end up throwing stones at my window in the middle of the night!

Should I just push on with the email regardless?

miamee

For the love of God, just tell her and stop stringing her along. She already knows something is up, its time to tell her what that is and why.

She might have confided in a friend that she was a little bit excited about having met a nice guy online and the friend asked a few questions, I'd say that's all the FB thing was - friend being nosey.

Sorcha16

30sfella wrote: »

I won't be considering a relationship with the girl from the online dating site. I just want to make sure she doesn't end up throwing stones at my window in the middle of the night!

It's beginning to sound like you're loving the attention here. If you've made your mind up about seeing someone else for goodness sake just tell the girl and stop labelling her as some sort of potential bunny boiler -believe it or not some girls can handle rejection without feeling the need to fire stones at your window!