friend blackmailing me????

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am getting married in 2 weeks and having an issue with my husbands friend.

I invited this man and his sister to the wedding as I know the sister and my husband knows the brother. I received an RSVP back from them last week. Now I had sent the invitation to “Johnaton and Suzie”, but I received an RSVP from “Johnaton, Kate, Bethany and Jack”

Now I didn’t know what was going on so I called him and he had the cheek to inform me “Oh my sister cant go so my new girlfriends coming instead of her, and shes bringing her two kids cos she cant get a babysitter.

Now theres a strict no kids policy at my wedding , and its been like this from the start, because ive been to weddings with kids screaming during the ceremony and running around during the meal annoying guests and I said no way. My family all know this and arent bringing their children. Also I do not want strangers at my wedding

So long story short I told this friend of my husbands that the invite was for him and his sister not him, his gf and her 2 kids. Hes with this woman 6 weeks weve never heard about her till now.

He has told me unless they can all go that he wont be showing up at all and will tell everyone how Ive treated his family (apparently being with someone 6 weeks makes you a family) and he has informed me he will be adding on a few choice phrases as his girlfriends coloured

Now this was said to me over the phone and im taking it as that he will go around saying im racist if i dont let his gf and her kids come.

How do I handle this?

Big Bag of Chips

You tell him you're sorry to hear that he can't go, and say no more.

If he's really that sort of person, who do you think will take notice of him?

John Mason

how, do you handle it? handle what? just say grand and move on with your life.

if he wants to bad mouth you, let him, your friends will know he is talking out of his arse

DeltaWhite

This is YOUR wedding, do not even entertain this jackass and his whinging.. I literally could not believe what I was reading.. I'm still gobsmacked that he has the absolute CHEEK to think he can just bring a new gf along, with her 2 children when it's a strict no kids wedding..

I would not even worry about him honest to god! I think you should sit down with the future husband, and tell him exactly what's happened. Once it's explained I think it should be up to your husband to sort it out and set your man straight. It's his friend after all! Do not fret, it's a stressful enough time as it is so literally forget all about him and his drama queen antics...

starlit

If there was a no kids policy from the start then he should have taken that on board, its your and your partner's wedding not his!

Would you really want to have someone like that acting like that at your wedding? Aren't friends more important than the latest person they are going out with. He should have least mentioned something about it to you that you'd like to invite his gf instead of his sister a bit sooner than now. I think maybe try to meet the girl and see but stand your ground regarding kids its only fair they do the same courtesy if they are to go to the wedding. If not its not your problem but his.

I say point it out to him you'd like his girlfriend to come instead of his sister the offer is there but its up to them to come but without the kids. Won't seem like you are indifferent about her. I can understand you might not want a stranger at the wedding you don't know but maybe meet her first and see but do stand your ground and state you'd like her at the wedding but no kids. Surely she could get someone to look after the kids no such thing as no babysitter!! Hire a nanny for the day its only for a few hours like.

In the end of the day you invited him and his sister he should respect that, why couldn't he go on his own or if he wants go with just his girlfriends. Kids is another story all together I think it was a bit cheeky of him putting down all their names when he should have asked your and your partner's permission before doing so then it wouldn't seem like he trying to put you in an awkward position its not fair like. He shouldn't do that. Is he really a friend if he was doing that? It should be up to your partner to sort it out not you but you should have the final say on this ye both should.

Its your and your partner's wedding day not his, would he not do the same for you and respect your and your partner's decision not to have kids at the wedding there should be no exceptions unless its family and he isn't family. He is only a friend. 6 weeks is too quick a judgement to say he is part of their family I think if it was anyone else he should either go on his own or just go with his girlfriend. He shouldn't call the shots you and your partner do!

It's a family day out and close friends really. If your family can respect a no kids policy then your partners friend should too!

ibarelycare

If he hadn't threatened you the way he did, I would have said to tell him that his girlfriend is welcome to come (it doesn't matter how long they've been together, she's still his girlfriend), but not the children.

However after the blackmailing I would never have anything to do with him again. What did your husband have to say about this? I hope, since it's his friend, that he picked up the phone and told him where to shove his invitation.

tinkerbell

OP, after the way he has treated you I would ring him up and tell him that me is no longer invited to the wedding and also that threatening to spread lies about you is not something a friend would do so you no longer wish to associate with him and your friendship with him is over.

Honestly OP, he's telling you that he'll spread lies about you if you don't invite his gf and her kids? Screw that, who needs enemies when this guy is your friend? Cut him loose, a true friend would never act like that. What does your fiancé thik of the whole thing, by the way?

Everyone is going to know you had a no kids policy anyway, and anyone who didn't isn't worth your time. How is that going to go anyway?
"x didn't want my gf to come because she's racist"
"oh has she met your gf already?"
"well no, I told her"
"why were you telling her your girlfriend is black/etc?"
"she couldn't come to the wedding"
"you told her your girlfriend is black/whatever it is because she couldn't come to the wedding? "
end of story
Don't worry about it, do tell your husband asap

Neyite

Bruce7, your post was deleted because its inappropriate to PI.

Advising the OP to break the law is in breach of the Charter, and the comments about deportation /witch doctor etc are unacceptable.

RossFixxxed

Not blackmail if they have nothing on you. Ignore any threat of the race cards. It is a no kids wedding, already stated. Advise you're sorry they can't come, if they get a sitter great otherwise oh well that's a pity, darn kids. Keep it upbeat and positive and to hell with idiots. It's your day. Don't give it a second thought.

samina

Tell your husband to be let him sort it out.

ash23

He is your husband-to-bes friend so I suggest letting your husband-to-be deal with him to be honest.
You shouldn't have to put up with that crap.

blatantrereg

I would say the gf is welcome too. They won't come anyway if they can't get a babysitter like they say. Can't say anything about racism then... as long as you stop using the word coloured to describe her, which is a little 1950s-ish.

ahnow

That is appalling behaviour! You may tell him the entire invitation is taken back because of his awful response-accusing you of being a racist?!! And trying to blackmail you?! And the cheek of him to invite two extra people on at what would be your expense without even the courtesy of even asking if it would be okay! Let him know you've no interest in having the like of him at your wedding, and go and enjoy your day.

tony81

Great opp to start your married life with less dead weight.

ABajaninCork

blatantrereg wrote: »

I would say the gf is welcome too. They won't come anyway if they can't get a babysitter like they say. Can't say anything about racism then... as long as you stop using the word coloured to describe her, which is a little 1950s-ish.

A lot of black people of my generation would take exception to being called coloured. My parents still say it though. But in polite society these days the word is BLACK!

Back OT. I would tell this guy to go and jump. If I were the GF I would be ******* fuming that someone decided to use my colour to get what they want. He'd be sent off washed down with cuss and a royal flea in his ear.

Pr!ck!!

Tell your fiancé what happened and ask him if it's ok to completely revoke the invite.

Also I'd agree with other posters, the word "coloured" is a bit taboo. We're all coloured, it's just that his girlfriend's colour is black.

LegacyUser

Hi this is the O.P

Thank you for all the replies

First off when i said the word coloured i was repeating what he said, he used the word coloured-I normally say black but i was just think about what he said and i wrote it- sorry if it offended anyone.

I spoke to my husband about this- and he told me to lay low- say nothing to the friend and see what he would do. So after no answer off me , my husband recieved a text from him this evening

"Well Buddy. Apoligies but I and my GF cant make the wedding, she doesnt want to and I dont blame her. Your missus said I could bring her instead of *sister* and even said she could bring her kids. But she then informed me that we wernt welcome and that she didnt want their kind at her wedding.My gf is black* and your wifes a racist. Enjoy the wedding

*changed the word coloured(it was orginally in the message)

So my husband went into another room and called him.When he came out he told me that he pretended to know nothing about any of this and it was all news to him- and then the friend started adding on more and more and apparantly i had used the N word several times etc. My husband then told him when I called him orginally he was in the room and heard the call- and he said the minute he said that the friend hung up.

He then got a text saying "Your as bad as her"

My husbands pretty upset about this- He knew the guy for years and he doesnt get why he would do this to him 2 weeks before his wedding.

Toast4532

Jeez he sounds like some 'friend'. You are better off without his kind in your life or at your wedding.

Hope you have a great wedding OP, don't let this friend spoil any of it for you and your husband.

LegacyUser

Woah, this guy doesn't have a chip on his shoulder, he has a block!
It's blatantly obvious he is jealous of you& your OH, and trying to put a dampener on your happy day. (esp if he's after a breakup, dating a new girl only a few weeks, ect)
Seriously OP, you've dodged a bullet by him uninviting himself from the wedding. He sounds toxic, don't even give him a second thought. You won't change him.
Park the issue, focus on the two of you, & MOST IMPORTANTLY enjoy your special day in 2 weeks time, surrounded by people who love and support you both.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems he has more of an issue with his girlfriend's colour than anyone else.

Maybe one last text from you both saying if you hear anyone repeating anything back to you about being racist or why he is not going to the wedding that you will have no choice but speak to a solicitor.

Be glad you found about at this side ti him before he ruined your wedding day. Sounds like a loose cannon anyway, I'd be very uncomfortable with him at my wedding, regardless of whether he had a gf or not.

ABajaninCork

If you ask me, he was looking for an 'out' from our wedding and his poor GF and her kids (who I am sure are blissfully unaware of what's happened) were used as an excuse.

This ****hole's no loss from your wedding and your lives. How DARE he use colour to blackmail you and big himself up to the GF??? We have enough problems trying to make it in this country without this jackass adding his 2c's worth, making things a whole lot worse.

He's a sad excuse of a human being. Liar and blackmailer. I hope his GF wakes up to this fool and sacks him off!

mikemac1

Cut ties

I'd also somehow spread the story of what happened.
Inform a friend who you know will pass to a friend of a friend and so on, you don't have to do anymore

He's a spiteful person and he'll spread this around and try to blacken (no pun intended) your name.

You have a wedding and honeymoon soon and don't need this stress.

Just put the story which is the truth around, get your story in first so to speak

Most people will ignore this guy but as you say, he was still your husbands friend so he's hiding his true colours fairly well up to now, maybe the odd invitee to your wedding may take him seriously

Oryx

If he is willing to go to the lengths he has you really won't gain anything by trying to talk or reason with him. This goes beyond the invite. He must have issues with you, or his friend getting married at all.

If he spreads spite there is little you can do but give your side (it might not hurt to contact his gf).

Oh, and it's crystal clear that the only one who has some kind of problem with race is him.

movingsucks

It sounds to me and I could be wrong that the guy has moved way too fast with this woman and her kids and is not getting the "support/reaction" he wants from family and friends so using her race to demand people accept his new "family".

If I were your husband and he was really previously a good friend then I would ring him again or meet him somewhere absolutely bollock him out of it.
Ask him what the hell has gotten into him that he thinks it's appropriate to make up lies like that?
Sure ye didn't even know the lady was black.
You could also ask mutual friends has he been acting weird too?
Then cut the @sshole off. When it all goes in the toilet and it probably will he'll find he has no mates to fall back on.

Merkin

He sounds like an out and out twit. Contact them and say that you are retracting your invitation and that none of them are invited and to knock himself out with whatever lies he wants to spread, nobody is going to believe him anyway. I'm amazed at the bare-faced cheek of him thinking that it's ok to add to an RSVP with three stranger's names in response to a well-intentioned invite....some people! :eek:

Sleepy

Narrow escape OP, you almost bought that gob****e dinner!

Honestly I would be half inclined to call the girlfriend and let her know the N-names he's been calling her. He seems to have a major hangup on her race.
Also, tell a few friends what actually happened and then let them do the rest. He probably will badmouth and it's nothing you should worry about, but might as well get in there and then forget about it.

Neyite

I knew someone who had a black boyfriend for a short while. She was a bit of a ninny anyway, but with him everything to her was racist all of a sudden, and it really wasn't.

For instance, out with them one Saturday night, the fact they couldnt get a table in a packed pub, (like any other Saturday night) people were "looking at them",(nobody was) having to queue for the club (like every other white person!), that the barman (who was run off his feet) "took his time to serve her because of racism". When she came back to the table with that gem, we all roared laughing including her boyfriend. We just started calling her Ali G, and slagged her off for it. I've no doubt that racist things can and do happen, but she was imagining these slights everywhere.

Unless this guy lives in a cave and has never attended a wedding before, he knows that you don't just rock up with your own entourage to a wedding. I guarantee he has never had to do up a table plan anyway by the sounds of him. Let your husband handle him, and if possible tell his sister -your friend what happened.

ManOfMystery

As said above OP, you've really had a narrow escape. You found out this guy was a complete a$$hole and whilst the circumstances in which it happened may be unsettling, at least now you know you'll have one a$$hole less at your wedding - which is always a good thing!

Neyite

ManOfMystery wrote: »

As said above OP, you've really had a narrow escape. You found out this guy was a complete a$$hole and whilst the circumstances in which it happened may be unsettling, at least now you know you'll have one a$$hole less at your wedding - which is always a good thing!

True. I'd bet with a few drinks he would be accusing everyone of racism and ruining your day. Better off without him.

The fact that he even threatened to use the race card shows how much of an idiot he is. Explain it to your husband-to-be. If a friend of mine ever did that to anyone I loved, they wouldn't be a friend of mine for very much longer.

Starokan

Actually hard to take this one in, what an absolute dickhead, its astounding how moronic people can be at times.

thefeatheredcat

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It seems he has more of an issue with his girlfriend's colour than anyone else.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If you ask me, he was looking for an 'out' from our wedding and his poor GF and her kids (who I am sure are blissfully unaware of what's happened) were used as an excuse.

I agree with both of these statements OP. Look for all we know, if this is unusual behaviour from him, it could be that he's just taking the cowardly way out of getting out of going to the wedding by making a race issue out of his girlfriend. She might have seen the invite by accident at some point and rather than him saying it's a young and early relationship and wasn't comfortable in bringing her along because they're not long together he's making you guys the bad guys to save himself being honest to his new girlfriend. Either that or with all the attention he's trying to draw to his girlfriend's skin colour, he really has an insecurity about it that he has yet to acknowledge himself, and is very uncomfortable about it.

Either way it's really his loss OP, I mean he's blatantly lied to your fiancé about the whole situation so whatever the issue is, it's definately with him and to be honest, just let him at it and pay him no heed or attention.

I wouldn't waste my time worrying about him or what he's going to say or being dragged down to his level because anything he does say has no basis in reality. It was him who brought up his girlfriend being black, unless you were video calling and she was in the background, (as you haven't met her), I don't see how anyone could come to the same "conclusion" that he has made up in his head.

The only reason I could think that why he's making things difficult for you and your husband to be is jealously and insecurity. He was willing to lie to him, his long standing friend about you and pit the two of you against eachother, 2 weeks before your wedding. That's not a nice person OP, whatever this guy is unhappy about, don't let it bother you or your fiance or let it ruin your wedding day, or even the run up to it. Make the best of what ye have and embrace those who are going to the wedding and enjoy it. This friend now can sit out in the cold if he so prefers but don't let your fiance take it to heart or get dragged into a drama created by this guy. No doubt he will drag the sister, your friend into it and tell her packs of lies too at some point if he's still sore over it, but just don't take that crap if it comes. I'd personally, in your position, just enjoy what you can now and forget about him.

castaway_lady

Sleepy wrote: »

Narrow escape OP, you almost bought that gob****e dinner!

Couldn't have put it better myself. If yer losing sleep over this more fool yee. Clearly your hubby-to-be only thought he knew this geezer. Seriously like yee cant think the wedding is going to any less of a day because this clown isn't there. Him and yer one and the two hungry kids not too likely to last either and then he'll be left with a nice dose of egg on his face.

Anymore rubbish from him playing the racism card and spend what you would have on his grub on a solicitors letter.

Delete him and don't let him back into yer lives. And remember yer better off knowing who yer dealing with, true colours are a blessing sometimes!

Enjoy the day

sporina

weddingwoes wrote: »

Hi this is the O.P

Thank you for all the replies

First off when i said the word coloured i was repeating what he said, he used the word coloured-I normally say black but i was just think about what he said and i wrote it- sorry if it offended anyone.

I spoke to my husband about this- and he told me to lay low- say nothing to the friend and see what he would do. So after no answer off me , my husband recieved a text from him this evening

"Well Buddy. Apoligies but I and my GF cant make the wedding, she doesnt want to and I dont blame her. Your missus said I could bring her instead of *sister* and even said she could bring her kids. But she then informed me that we wernt welcome and that she didnt want their kind at her wedding.My gf is black* and your wifes a racist. Enjoy the wedding

*changed the word coloured(it was orginally in the message)

So my husband went into another room and called him.When he came out he told me that he pretended to know nothing about any of this and it was all news to him- and then the friend started adding on more and more and apparantly i had used the N word several times etc. My husband then told him when I called him orginally he was in the room and heard the call- and he said the minute he said that the friend hung up.

He then got a text saying "Your as bad as her"

My husbands pretty upset about this- He knew the guy for years and he doesnt get why he would do this to him 2 weeks before his wedding.

wow sounds like your marrying a clever guy. best of luck with your wedding and life - enjoy.

mood

Send him a text/card saying something like "unfortunately due to number only yourself and your sister are invited to our wedding. I'm sure you are also aware of the no kids policy we decided to apply upon our engagement. However, we would love to meet x and her kids and get to know them. We arrange lunch for sometime after our honeymoon. I am looking forward to it already".

Edited: Forget what I wrote above. After hearing what happened with the phone call with you OH I think you both really need to cut this guy out of your lives for good. He has major issues.

castle

Why is your future Husdand not dealing with this matter? He needs to be a man and ring his friend asap, no kids period,

weddingwoes wrote: »

Hi all

I am getting married in 2 weeks and having an issue with my husbands friend.

I invited this man and his sister to the wedding as I know the sister and my husband knows the brother. I received an RSVP back from them last week. Now I had sent the invitation to “Johnaton and Suzie”, but I received an RSVP from “Johnaton, Kate, Bethany and Jack”

Now I didn’t know what was going on so I called him and he had the cheek to inform me “Oh my sister cant go so my new girlfriends coming instead of her, and shes bringing her two kids cos she cant get a babysitter.

Now theres a strict no kids policy at my wedding , and its been like this from the start, because ive been to weddings with kids screaming during the ceremony and running around during the meal annoying guests and I said no way. My family all know this and arent bringing their children. Also I do not want strangers at my wedding

So long story short I told this friend of my husbands that the invite was for him and his sister not him, his gf and her 2 kids. Hes with this woman 6 weeks weve never heard about her till now.

He has told me unless they can all go that he wont be showing up at all and will tell everyone how Ive treated his family (apparently being with someone 6 weeks makes you a family) and he has informed me he will be adding on a few choice phrases as his girlfriends coloured

Now this was said to me over the phone and im taking it as that he will go around saying im racist if i dont let his gf and her kids come.

How do I handle this?

kylith

You say that you're friends with this man's sister. In that case I'd get in touch with her and let her know what's happened, and how upset you are that anyone would think that you're racist. There's no-one better than a family member to sort a complete ass out.

mood

I think the OP and her OH have already dealt with this issue.

Ham Sambo

You should not be stressing yourself over this idiot, your invite clearly stated who was invited, stick to your guns, stop worrying, and enjoy your wedding!!

gerryd2

Its your wedding day and not his so if you don't want kids at your wedding then he should respect that. If he wants to be a jerk about it then you don't need someone like that at your wedding. You should tell everyone you know about this blackmail. That way if he does try accuse you of racism everyone will know the truth and he'll be the fool among them.