Monday 'Uns

MonkieSocks

An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry" says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this" says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell."

"You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of".

"Maybe so" says the old lady, “but I've already got the holes for that”.

_________________________________________

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

It was, after all, the Captains' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said.

"OK, I give up. Where's the fookin ship?"

_________________________________________

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things aren't so good.

In this case, things aren't good.

I have cancer. So, let's head to the pub and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martini's the two were feeling a little less sombre.

There were some laughs and more martini's.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS.

"The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."