Hurt and tired

candystick

Hi everyone, for the last 9 years of my marriage my husband and l have had on-off contact with my in-laws. They treat us like s**t and have done some pretty horrific things....surprisingly they believe that they are faultless and l'm the problem! They back each other up so they refuse to admit any responsibility. I have 3 kids who don't know their fathers family. My oldest daughter remembers her grandmother's name and that is it. For the last 2 years l have told the in-laws that if they wanted to know my kids they were there for visits and phone calls etc, whatever they wanted. However, there were no phone calls, visits etc. My husband rang them very hurt the other week and complained about the fact that they dont know our kids and make no effort to visit and they basically said they wouldn't come visit because they know l hate them. I have never said this to them and have always asked them to have a relationship with my kids as l believe this is healthier than a cut-off. What was their excuse anyway for not picking up the phone and speaking to them? We live about 5 hours drive from our in-laws (thankgod) yet they say we live too far away to visit. However, they (FIL, MIL, SILs, BILs) fly to other countries in a regular basis to see other people (friends and other relatives). The last time my in-laws saw my kids was last xmas when my husband and i took the kids to their home (they visited us in April of that year). They have flown to many other places since last xmas but never thought of driving up to see us or flying for an hour to see us and their grandkids. My FIL rang me the other day asking me to bring kids to their home for a family party. He said he wants the kids to meet all their family. I think that he just wants to show the kids off like a prize turkey to all the relatives but maybe l'm bitter. They haven't visited our kids since May 2011 and haven't made one phone call to them either. Husband wants to go down. My question is: do l take them down or not? My own family think l'm mad to take them as all they do is abuse me emotionally and verbally. Their son can do no wrong and l'm an evil b***ch. I've recently cut all ties with them and they are upset, but who would blame me! Do l allow my husband to take the kids down? Or should we stop trying to force them to have a relationship with our kids? My husband is heartbroken and forever optimistic that they will change.

LegacyUser

I would tell your husband that it should never have come to this situation with your in laws.
When he saw them giving you nothing but grief he should have told his family to treat you with some respect as you were his girlfriend/wife and if this did not happen he would not be in contact with them.
I would tell your husband that you are sick and tired of been seen as the evil b**** by them and after trying for years to get on with them you are willing to give them one final chance.
I would tell you husband if they want you and the children to come to see them you will only do it on the following terms.
1. They ring and say sorry to you for the way they have treated you before you make any hotel bookings/
2. You will not stay in there house for the visit but in hotel close by - this gives you a place to have some breathing space away from them if you are staying a night or 2.
3. If you hear one smart comment/snide dig at you ect when you are there you will walk out of the house with the children and they will never see them after this.
4. If this happens he will leave also after telling them that he will not contact them after this.
5. You will all go together to see them and you will all leave together if his parents/the in law don't show you some respect.
6 You husband can tell his parents that after this if they don't start making some effort to contact you and call to see you a least every few months he won't be in contact with them.

dellas1979

Well, the FIL has asked you to go down with the kids, but you are still digging your heals in.

Look, all Im saying is that there is no smoke without fire. You are not completely blameless, you cant be, but neither are they. So take control of the situation and sort it.

I would take the kids down, I would go with them. If you dont go, you are giving them so much fuel to add to the fire that is already there.

Maybe alls they want to see is that you are making an effort. Maybe they think you couldnt give a flyin banana/hostility towards them - but as I said, there is no smoke without fire. Something has gone wrong somewhere and its up to you to sort, and not use the kids or your husband as some sort of leverage. It must be horrible for your husband/kids also to be caught in the middle. Swallow whatever bitterness you have and go.

candystick

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Fab lady i will discuss these with hubby later.
Dellas1979, you are wrong about the smoke without fire. I am not bitter, in fact l am the opposite. I am sad that l have been railroaded into making a decision for myself that l never wanted to have to make. I have cut ties with his family because i have had 7 years of abuse and l don't deserve any of it. Whenever hubby makes a decision regarding them they pick up the phone and start battering me verbally. The problem lies between hubby and them, not me. I know you are only getting a snapshot of my life from a few paragraphs but l am being honest in saying that l have cried pleading with his parents not to break my husbands heart again. I have pleaded with them last xmas to make more effort to see my kids as its not fair to be in and out of their lives like yo-yos. Its not healthy. We have gotten into a vicious circle of no contact, then contact and full on promises and then nothing. Should l put a stop to it and say enough is enough, this is damaging my kids mental health.....or try yet again. The stress is too much. My hubby even offered to meet them half way to their home and spend the day with the kids to clear the air. No sooner had he finished the sentence both his mam and dad started to make excuses...."no, we are cleaning up the backyard net week". It's pathetic.

dellas1979

Im sorry OP, but I disagree. There is never any smoke without fire. Something has gone wrong somewhere/something misinterpreted/something not done/something said-maybe its even the way its being approached.

This situation just didnt occur. It just didnt happen. People just dont take a dislike for no good reason. We dont always get on with people/inlaws or vice versa...thats a given...but it takes two to tango. There is always a reason.

mr_edge_to_you

Regardless of what went on before I do think that your father in law did offer a bit of an olive branch with his latest invite.

If you really want your in laws to be involved your childrens' lives you should accept the invite, albeit cautiously.

candystick

dellas1979 we will agree to disagree on the smoke without fire discussion. Who is to blame isn't really relevant anyway. I just want to move on with my life and do what is right by my children so that l will have nothing to defend myself about when they are adults and they ask me questions about their father's family. Regardless of who did/said what l will always put the interest of my kids first. My husband's family are abusive to the extreme. I had to ring the Gardai for protection while l was heavily pregnant at one stage because they were threatening me. There was a lot of domestic violence in my husband's upbringing so you see there is a lot more to fear by his family having access to the kids. Arguments were always settled with a split lip or a black eye in his upbringing. If we went to the family party and there was a fight it would be too late, my kids would have already seen it. I don't want them to experience the same as what my husband did as a child. A possibility would be to go to the party and if l feel that there is a bit of ill-feeling then perhaps leave before anything starts. I will chat this over with my husband. Thanks again.

dellas1979

Well, you are looking for different opinions - dont be so closed off to the "im right and wont listen to anyone else" brigade, and Ive been around a while , and my experience is that each party takes a part in an argument/bad situation. Noone is totally innocent, no matter how much a person debates that they did nothing wrong (you are seeing it through your eyes, they are seeing it throught theirs). What you did/didnt do/didnt say/didnt.....whatever to them, we dont know. You can be upfront and ask them "we havent gotton along and I dont know/understand why...tell me, because the kids are suffering". Its honest and its true.

Irish_Elect_Eng

dellas1979 is offering very good advice.

Even if you think that the fault is one-sided, I am sure that the in-laws do not.

It absolutely true that it will take both sides to solve the problem, and I agree with an earlier poster that your father in law seems to be taking the first tentative steps and that you should respond in kind.

I understand your concerns in relation to their behavior, you certainly have to protect your children from witnessing poor adult behaviors. If like many such families in Ireland their issues are drink related, perhaps you can bring the kids to the family home earlier in the day, before the party when your in-laws will have time to make a fuss over them and not bring them to the party later when there will be drink flowing. Perhaps you could arrange for a baby sitter in the hotel or bring a babysitter, perhaps a friend with you for moral support?

Or perhaps you can visit the in-laws before the party with your husband on the understanding that if all goes well that you will bring the kids down for a subsequent visit, at the party.