I feel like I don't exist

LegacyUser

Thank you first off to anyone taking the time to read this, it means a lot I'll get down to brass tacks

I am a 21 year old male. I'm unemployed and I live with my mother (sort of, will explain a bit more later), and my two younger siblings. I am not happy with my current situation in life. There are lots of complications, emotionally, family wise, personally, that I would like to sort out or get answers to. I feel like I don't exist because, for my age, I feel like I don't have anything to offer to anyone. This is how I see it, growing up : through primary school, everything was fine, my feelings were normal, then, as I went to secondary school, I feel like my emotions and feelings of self were put on hold, and still are. I feel like when I hit puberty, when everything was changing for me and my peers, I changed, but no one realised. I gained weight as a teenager, I felt bad about my self image, I was at a stage in life where everyone was experiencing new feelings, growing as people, getting to know each other, going on dates, people were having fun, being in relationships, enjoying their teenage years. I felt the opposite. I felt fat and worthless, my primary school best friends went off and lived their teenage years, I felt like I was watching them, and everyone else, from the outside, no one cared about me, no one had feelings for me, told me they liked me, dated me, had any time for me, I tried my best to always be positive, smile and say hello to people I liked, but no one cared, it made me feel very negative, to see everyone living, it was like there was something wrong with me, it has and still does make me feel terrible. I feel like I've failed as a person and as a man, I'm not attractive to anyone physically, I've not any exp with the opp sex, I feel like a loser and that I'm invisible to everyone

My mother is an alcoholic (for the last 5 years or so). This has been terrible for the family, and in short, has pretty much split it down the middle. My mother's side of the family don't speak to us. My older brother and sister moved out and left me to cope with all this, and they don't talk to us either. She's been to rehab but she didn't really care, as of now, she is unemployed too, left her job because of her addiction. All in all, pretty messed up, she drinks the odd time now but she is sincerely trying to get her life back on track, but still, it's hurt me and my family loads. She isn't home very often and this is fine, I usually take over as a father/caring figure for my two younger siblings, it is just very sad that they have to grow up with no mother or father kind of, parents are divorced. Hence why I say I live with my mother kind of, I pay rent, shopping etc, I'm pretty much a second parent..this is fine but at my age it limits my personal life and my emotions etc


I got depressed during this time and barely scraped a leaving. I've filled out a CAO to try and go to AIT next year, but my dad tells me because of problems at home with my mum money wise, I can't afford to, and that I shouldn't and I can't. What do I do? I feel like I can't live, I can't go college and study what I want, get an education, one day move away, get a nice job and start a family, it's what I wanna do, I'm sick of being stuck sat in every evening wondering why no one likes me or has, or why my parents tell me I can't or shouldn't go to college All my other peers are allowed to, they're allowed go and have fun, be reckless, experience life, I can't, I feel like I am not allowed to, I feel like I have o purpose or meaning in life, I feel invisible, that life and people have passed me by and that it will continue to unless I find some way out of this horrible vicious circle I am in, I know I have WAYYY more responsibilities than the average person my age, but still, is it really fair to me?

Assassin saphir

Hi. Your story made me really sad. I don't know if I can offer an advice.
Can your Dad not do more to help out with your younger siblings. I can tell you really care for them but you have too much responsibility for a young man. Stay focused on finding a job and when you get one start putting away a bit of money each week so you could eventually rent a small place or your own or a houseshare. This will give you the independence you need and you can start living your own life.

NicoleL88

My heart went out to you reading that. How you've coped is nothing short of amazing.

I'm not great with advice and what I'm saying could be the complete wrong thing to say, but at a certain point you have to stop worrying about other people and do what's best for you.

So to answer your question, no, your situation is not fair to you, and I really hope that you do get to go to college and make the best of your life. It's yours and you only get one!

I really wish you the best of luck.

Andy!!

Youve done a great job, not sure how you can feel worthless for all youve done for your family.

Now its time to tell your dad and older siblings to take their heads out of their arses and help and contribute so you can start building a life of your own. Dont be afraid or your twenties will end up like your teenage years.

Janedoe10

Please don't feel so bad for yourself . U have been shouldering a lot of responsibilities during your younger years and yes it can be over whelming .
As one if the other poster says your family have to help too .
Remember that these life skills will stand to you . It can be hard to see that right now . U do need to get to live your own life too.
Maybe your dad doesn't want u to move away . Because he might think he will have to takeover when u are gone .
Try and suss out night classes maybe or part time courses . If u are in Ireland u could check out FAS or that job bridge .
Good luck . I'm sure u will be fine

Gmol

Sorry to hear your troubles you sound like a great guy with a caring heart. What I think now is that you need to put your own needs first for youown well-being. don't let all your problems mount. take everything one at a time. if you want to go to college you have to do this. your family need to help more with your mum. you can control a lot in your life,and you need to take back this control. as a guy older than yourself I think you are being placed in a position of responsibility your family should be taking off you. I hope you do well as you sound like a sensible and kind man and brother. best of luck.

LegacyUser

You have coped with a lot for someone of 21 years of age. Don't feel bad about not having a great life so far due to family reasons.
If your father is telling you don't apply to college/ don't go to college or you can't afford it due to your circumstance I would do the following before speaking to him.

I would call into your local welfare office and ask them about what funding your entitled to for going back to college. You may not be wealth in college but if you get some qualifications behind you it will help you get a job. I would also contact AIT about the course you are interested in as they will be able to advise you further on the courses they provide.
Also if your leaving results are not great AIT could tell you if you do a plc course( fetac cert) in what ever subject and if you got good results you could transfer to them then.

After this you need to speak to your father about leaving home and going to college.
I would tell him that you are applying to go to college and that he will have to step up to look after your siblings along with your older brother and sister. You need to tell your father that you have your own life to live. He needs to know you are no longer willing to put your life on hold when he takes no responsibility for your siblings or helping your mother.

The maturity you have will be a great help to you in college.
I hope the above has helped you out and I wish you the best of luck with your studies.
Let us know on boards how you get on.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply, it means a lot

My dad is retired and pretty much has a very old fashioned view on life. He had a lovely (sarcasm!) chat with me recently about why I need to put my life "on hold" for now, sacrifice some things in life for the greater good of the family. The things he spoke of were my social life, college, or any kind of hobbies or commitments, he said I should forget about them for now and focus on getting a job because I am "not able" for college, apparently I'm "not the sort", so basically my Dad called me stupid. What insulted me more is, my younger brother is in college (he's actually in 3rd year, but he got funds etc for college from other side of family before all this crap happened), and when I asked, how come Mark (said brother) can go to college, but not me? My dad said "that's different, he's different to you", again, calling me stupid indirectly. He lectured me about how when he was my age (in better economic times mind you, lest he realise, God forbid!), he had a full time job and was earning good, had savings etc, and that I'm a bit of a disappointment given I'm 21. I retorted by saying he didn't have to cope with split parents, an alcoholic mother and responsibilities tantamount to that of a single parent, when he was my age, let alone a very harsh economic climate. Of course his reply was quite bitter, saying I need to just get my life together. I responded, quite annoyed, saying that I'm not happy with the current situation, it's not as if I want my mother to be an alcoholic and as if I want the family split, it's not as if I want to be unemployed and upset about life. Excuse me for having any dreams or aspirations Dad

I really have no clue about College financing, we're a poor family, given the circumstances, I don't have anyone to support me, I have my immediate family, what's left of it My dad (retired), my younger siblings, and my unemployed alcoholic mum Who do I turn to? I want to do what pleases me, it's not as if I'm leaving home or running away, which is what my Dad thinks, the only people who have ran away are my older siblings and my mother's side of the family. Can I borrow from the college? I have no idea about fees, travel costs, grant entitlements, it's all so confusing, I don't know where to look or anything!

As far as family goes, there is no other breadwinner of sorts, so if I went to college, it would really mess up stuff at home, there isn't enough on my mum's job seekers to support the household, I'm also keeping the show going, hence why I feel like a single parent sometimes. If I went to college, there would be no one else to help, her family don't speak, they basically told us they want nothing to do with us and they dumped her problems on us...well, on ME. And they're not exactly bad off I just feel like there's no way out, I don't know what to do, it really gets me down and I want to be happy

orchidsrpretty

Will you have to move out to go to college or is it possible to commute? I left a well paying job to return to college and I managed to get by working part time and pasying a mortgage. Granted that I wasnt out partying every night with classs mates but that wasnt what I went to college for.
If yorf are on social weelfare, you will more than likely be able to transfer your payments to btea, along with the grant, whicvh woirks out at about 85e per week if you qualify for the full grant, which given your stated circumstances you probably will, you may even find yourself financially better off, especially if you manage to get a weekend job(i know thats easier said than done but not impossible!If you are facing a long commute get yourself a little car <1ltr and tax and insurance might not be that expensive.

If you really want to go back to college, there are ways of making it work. Even if you have to put up with a long drive every day to do so.

Andy!!

What age does someone have to be a mature student? The goverment gives a lot to mature students, maybe look into that? Hopefully its not 28 or something, more like 24. You could work for 3 years and maybe save a bit.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your responses, the mature student age is 23 as far as I know, I'm going to try and look into the education side of things, I'm gonna try and tell my dad what's gonna happen and how I feel, it aint gonna be easy though Nothing worth having comes easy I guess, posting all this was quite hard for me and everyday is but I'm going to try my best, even though things are so hectic, to try and do what I want in life, like someone said, we only get one life

I'll post back somehow with any results or progress, thank you everyone for being so kind and understanding to me, it means the world

Anon

a fat guy

Sounds like you really haven't been given a fair hand in the card game of life...

And fathers think they're right in all matters concerning their kids, or at least both of ours do! That would explain why you aren't going to get any sympathy from him.

Best of luck with talking to him though, and you should get a permanent account. I want to see a good ending to this dammit!

LegacyUser

Thank you, I also hope there is a good outcome in all of this too I am an active member of boards with an account, I just went unreg for this I will let you know how it goes, thanks all for the support

summerlucey

I think you are an amazing person. You 've taken on so much although you didnt look to. Its not your fault the situation you're in. I admire you. I dont know much about college fees or entitlements but perhaps if you got onto citizens information or conatct the college you are into directly they will advise you. Perhaps you could set up a facebook account to rekindle your relationship with your old friends. Dont be too full on in it as people can get quite nasty on fb. Id also recommend you talk to a counseller. You have a lot of weight on your shoulders at such a young age. I feel you would benefit by just talking to someone and share your problems. The counsellor would probably have good advice or info about college too. Counselling is free also. Google it. Keep your chin up and fair play to you for speaking out and actually wanting to do something about the situation you are in.

Lil-Dysfunction

Hi op, I wanted to contact you privately but couldn't as you're unreg atm.

I don't think I have much advice to offer you that wouldn't echo the things other posters have advised but I would like to say I really feel for you.

I'm 21 and have also had issues with depression, being overweight and feeling like I've missed out on life, particularly during the teenage years and recently with friends living the college life while I'm sitting at home wondering how to kickstart my life. Please feel free to PM me if you ever need a friend in the same boat

Taltos

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Thanks
Taltos

cozycaz

What course were you planning on applying to in AIT? Also, if both your parents aren't earning you may be entitled to a student grant if you've never been to college before. Check out www.studentfinance.ie for info on eligibility. The grant and a part time job should cover you for college if you put your mind to it.

It sounds to me that you need to start afresh and create a new life And identity for yourself in college because up to now, you've given everything to your family but now it's your turn. Its unfair to expect you to be your mothers carerared for any longer and it's Already impacted on your health so I would strongly recommend looKing into the practicalities of going to college. There are so many routes into courses nowadays.