Mending A Broken Heart

LegacyUser

Hi.

I hope nobody will judge me for this. I'm hoping that nobody will say anything like "You reap what you sow", as it is pretty true for this case. But here goes anyway.

I'm 24 years old, male, living in Dublin. I'm a pretty good looking guy and I look after my health fairly well. I have a decent paying job, so I can afford nice clothes and I take a lot of pride in my appearance and I have a nice car, my own place and so on. I know these are superficial things but I find I place a lot of stock in and take a lot of pride from these facts.

In terms of my love life, I am a heartless guy. I'll admit it. I've screwed over more than my fair share of girls in the past. My usual, standard-issue tactic for when I'm easing out the door when I've had my fun is to send a perfunctory, unimaginative 'present' to the girl who I'm giving the elbow. This is usually a bunch of flowers and a candle with a small note saying something like 'It was wonderful while it lasted' or some such. I then have nothing more to do with them.

I never met a girl who properly 'did it' for me; I used them for sexual needs and to be seen with them on nights out and in restaurants. It was despicable of me, but I ignored any feelings that I had.

That is until I met an amazing girl. And she has broken my heart.

She ticked every box that needed ticking; smart, made me laugh, made me feel special, I could trust her so utterly and I just plain loved being with her. And the physical side of things was also amazing; she was gorgeous, great in bed and open about sexual things.

In the evenings when I'd be waiting for her to come home from work (she's a chef and works late enough some evenings), I'd be waiting for her with such anticipation. When I heard her key in the lock of the door, I felt like my heart would come out of my chest. I couldn't wait to see her and be with her.

We were going out together for 7 months. We lived together for 4 of those months. I had even picked out the engagement ring that I thought would be perfect.

Then, last week, out of the blue, she ended it with me. She gave no reason. She just left me one night. She gathered her things and left while I stood and watched, not wanting to believe what I was hearing or seeing. I stood in the hallway staring at the door for an age, praying and hoping she would come back. I collapsed in a sobbing heap in the hallway.

I feel a pain like I've never felt before. I have resisted the urge to call her or text or anything. I don't want to beg. It is pathetic. She has sent me a text, asking if I'm ok, but I haven't replied.

Outwardly, when I'm in work and so on, I act like I'm fine. I laugh and joke and act like it's all normal. When I go home in the evenings, to that empty apartment, I just sit and cry for ages and I can't help but feeling that life is getting me back now for all the hearts I've broken in the past.

I feel like a terrible person, because I know I have been. I deserve some kind of karma to come and get me, but I just wish it wasn't this. I didn't cry this much over anything else in my life.

Should I try and contact her? I don't know if I should, because I can't imagine I'd be able to talk to her without crying, and I don't want to scare her or to make her get back with me out of pity or anything. I would like an answer as to why she left me. But I don't know if I want to upset her by asking. I don't know. I just do not know.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or validation or what, but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. Does anyone know what I can do? I don't think I deserve another chance with her at all, but is there anything I can do?

Sorry about the long rant. Thanks.

squonk

Yes, OP, you did reap what you sowed to be honest. However, that being said, did you have any indication that something was wrong? It can't have been quite that sudden I'd think so I'm sure there were some signs? Did you talk much about the relationship and where it was going and where you both saw it going?

I'm inclined to think that it might have been too much too fast (if you were looking at rings) and she may have reevaluated things or something for her changed.

First things first is you need to sort yourself out and try to deal with this without ending in floods of tears. Perhaps give youself some further time and space.

Maybe you can mend this but my gut is it seems unlikely. Ultimately only you and your ex can figure this out. You'll need to have a rational discussion on the subject and find out what went wrong for her.

Good if it works out but if it doesn't then you have some serious reflection to do. I'd highly recommend taking a break from dating/relationships and spend some time taking the lesson you've learned from this episode on board. If you're not into a girl, don't continue to see her and don't use her. Move on and meet someone you might be in to. Now you're seeing things from the other side, take this on board and use it to help you be a better person where the feelings of others are concerned. Everything we do has consequences and those consequences aren't always obvious. They can blind side you when you least expect it.

LegacyUser

Your story is so like mine its scary, I wouldnt chase her, id ask for a rational explanation of why she ended it, then leave it that. I found that if these things are meant to be they work themsleves out.

My advice it to keep active, running, gym, swimming etc, these things eventually pass and you will be ok, its just a killer when it happens and it takes time.

BraziliaNZ

squonk wrote: »

Yes, OP, you did reap what you sowed to be honest.

He didn't, don't be ridiculous. He met the right person and it prompted him to be a good person and treated her well. You should be praised for that OP, never mind your past, people develop and mature.
Anyway it sounds like you're doing well, no grovelling etc. I say leave her to it, there's no point contacting her for you clearly love her dearly and she's made up her mind. You just have to ride it out, it could take months, years, but you'll learn a lot from it and hopefully be a better person in the end.

Hardonraging

To coin a phrase " there's a bang of want out of your post OP".

You're 24 and clearly have figured out that dressing nice, etc and being a bit of an uninterested dick will inevitably assist you in philandering away the months.

Personally, i'd just add that you dont need lie to people to gain the same results. but that's an alternate discussion ..

As for your unfortunate situation, it's obv based on what you've said that you were really in to the girl, perhaps she freaked out and left due to you smothering her .. you moved in together after 3 months i assume ? and you were talking about getting engaged !

As for rectifying the situation ... leave her be .. maybe say hi in a month or two, or even three, see how you feel, people move on , and get over things quicker than you can ever imagine !

Partizan

BrokenHeartGuy wrote: »

Hi.

I hope nobody will judge me for this. I'm hoping that nobody will say anything like "You reap what you sow", as it is pretty true for this case. But here goes anyway.

I'm 24 years old, male, living in Dublin. I'm a pretty good looking guy and I look after my health fairly well. I have a decent paying job, so I can afford nice clothes and I take a lot of pride in my appearance and I have a nice car, my own place and so on. I know these are superficial things but I find I place a lot of stock in and take a lot of pride from these facts.

In terms of my love life, I am a heartless guy. I'll admit it. I've screwed over more than my fair share of girls in the past. My usual, standard-issue tactic for when I'm easing out the door when I've had my fun is to send a perfunctory, unimaginative 'present' to the girl who I'm giving the elbow. This is usually a bunch of flowers and a candle with a small note saying something like 'It was wonderful while it lasted' or some such. I then have nothing more to do with them.

I never met a girl who properly 'did it' for me; I used them for sexual needs and to be seen with them on nights out and in restaurants. It was despicable of me, but I ignored any feelings that I had.

That is until I met an amazing girl. And she has broken my heart.

She ticked every box that needed ticking; smart, made me laugh, made me feel special, I could trust her so utterly and I just plain loved being with her. And the physical side of things was also amazing; she was gorgeous, great in bed and open about sexual things.

In the evenings when I'd be waiting for her to come home from work (she's a chef and works late enough some evenings), I'd be waiting for her with such anticipation. When I heard her key in the lock of the door, I felt like my heart would come out of my chest. I couldn't wait to see her and be with her.

We were going out together for 7 months. We lived together for 4 of those months. I had even picked out the engagement ring that I thought would be perfect.

Then, last week, out of the blue, she ended it with me. She gave no reason. She just left me one night. She gathered her things and left while I stood and watched, not wanting to believe what I was hearing or seeing. I stood in the hallway staring at the door for an age, praying and hoping she would come back. I collapsed in a sobbing heap in the hallway.

I feel a pain like I've never felt before. I have resisted the urge to call her or text or anything. I don't want to beg. It is pathetic. She has sent me a text, asking if I'm ok, but I haven't replied.

Outwardly, when I'm in work and so on, I act like I'm fine. I laugh and joke and act like it's all normal. When I go home in the evenings, to that empty apartment, I just sit and cry for ages and I can't help but feeling that life is getting me back now for all the hearts I've broken in the past.

I feel like a terrible person, because I know I have been. I deserve some kind of karma to come and get me, but I just wish it wasn't this. I didn't cry this much over anything else in my life.

Should I try and contact her? I don't know if I should, because I can't imagine I'd be able to talk to her without crying, and I don't want to scare her or to make her get back with me out of pity or anything. I would like an answer as to why she left me. But I don't know if I want to upset her by asking. I don't know. I just do not know.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or validation or what, but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. Does anyone know what I can do? I don't think I deserve another chance with her at all, but is there anything I can do?

Sorry about the long rant. Thanks.

Karma's a bitch OP. You used and treated too many girls like absolute crap that it was bound to come back and bite you up the arse. Dont bother looking here for self pity as its assholes like you who screw it up for us decent guys as we have to deal with the fallout, i.e. emotionally damaged women.

I suggest in future you show a little self respect towards yourself and others as well.

Taltos

All we know this is an emotive issue but the OP has not come here to be bashed about their past mistakes. If you cannot give civil constructive advice then please consider not posting.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

It seems very strange for her to randomly up and leave and then you not doing anything about it, unless you've given us limited/selective information. The obvious thing to do would be to talk to her about it. Ask her why she left you, tell her you are confused and that you want to be with her. Try to see things from her perspective and if there is no reconcilliation in sight then accept her wishes and move on. Have a discussion, yunno. If you haven't done so already.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks to all who replied, even the harsh ones. I was expecting it. I did deserve something to happen to me. I just wish that it wasn't this.

I wasn't smothering or controlling or anything like that; we both lived our own lives and had fun with each other and with our own friends. I loved the fact that we were both pretty independent people and that we weren't overly 'clingy' with each other, but that we loved spending time together. Our favourite was walking through a forest near my apartment and just talking. That's what I miss the absolute most, just being able to talk to her.

We spoke of the future all the time. We were planning our Christmas together, a trip abroad for Valentines. We spoke of more than the immediate future. We spoke together a lot about where we'd go from here. She intimated to me more than once about getting more serious (I read into that getting engaged, maybe I was wrong) and the topic of kids was even brought up more than once (we wanted two kids; boy and a girl... breaks my heart to write that).

There was no indication of what happened. I swear. There were no signs, no hints. We'd never even had a cross-word the whole time we were together. I do want some explanation, but I don't think I did anything wrong. The only possibility that I can think of is that a girl from my sordid past contacted her and told her. If that's the case, I seriously have changed. I deeply regret what I did. I'd give anything to take it back. But I can't. And now I have to live with that hanging over me.

I know how people can be angry at me and think I'm a horrible person. But outside of my love life (which was terrible), I'm basically a good guy. I try to do at least a few good deeds for people every day if I can.

I'm still very cut up over this (still crying a lot when I'm alone), but I hope it can get better. I haven't told any of my friends what's happened yet. They've all been through the same, but I fear some of them would react negatively, telling me similar to what other posters have said here; that I deserved it for what I did in the past.

Should I try to arrange to meet up with her or just call her over the weekend, or should I leave it longer? I really want to hear her side of the story. She's also sent me a couple more text messages, both concerned and asking me how I am. Again, I've struggled but have not replied to them.

Thanks for listening.

stringofmisery

Well, depends what you want really.if you just want clarification of why she's breaking up with you, ya may as well meet up with her at the weekend, get some clarity.however, you do seem a little emotionally unstable, and it may be a little undignified if you end up a blubbering mess in front of her.all sorts of pleading/begging may insue.
however, if hold out some hope of getting her back, which i think you could possible have,then it's much too soon to meet up.however, you need to reply to her texts.keep texts brief, non-hostile, and to the point.dont start a textathon.just give her a little bait.man up a small bit.do not let her see this broken hearted man.then play the waiting game.wait for her to text again.i reckon ahe will feel like she hasnt got proper closure also, and in a while will start to feel all the usual....guilt, regret etc.then, meet up when you have pulled yourself together.and see what happens.
in the meantime, get out and about with your friends.......keep busy, and have fun....but take some care with all those other hearts ya meet!

Trisha XxX

I myself was dumped a few months ago it is the worst feeling in the world its like everything you ever wanted is now gone that one person you thought you would be with forever is now gone I wouldnt wish that pain on anyone not even my worst enemies but believe me you will pick yourself up and soon be able to not feel those horrible heart breaking feelings anymore yes you will still be sad still cry now and again but as a few already said if its meant to be it will work out, I want to believe it will. I dont think it was karma theres plenty of assholes out there who continue to be assholes, this was just a **** thing that happened to you. Wish you all the luck in feeling better sooner rather then later you will find someone again you sound like a nice guy well now you do never mind the past you cant live in the past its done move forward and be the man you are now. Sorry this is so long. sorry this is to the OP.

msg11

If it helps with closure on what happened then contact her, but be warned. She might not tell you and just hang up the phone. Also don't get into the I am missing you etc.. If you do keep it simple to the point and do it with no drink in your system.

Sad to hear about your experience after it going so well for you, as get's said to everyone even me on this very forum. Time is the only healer, I know it's hard but try stop the crying it won't help anything. Try a few new things to get out of the apartment after work.

She walked out, if she wants back in she will get in touch.

Forever Hopeful

OP,

I am always intrigued by the facts and detail that is provided in opening posts. You described yourself as a ladies man who in the past loved them and left them with a calling card of flowers, candles and other such gifts. First of all, you have to be praised for being nice about it. Yes you weren't interested but you were classy about it. Secondly, the way you describe yourself implies ( please this is how I am interpreting it, not saying it is fact) that you have no problem attracting women. You had your pick of beauties so to speak. You were invincible.
Then you meet a girl who challenged you at every level and you realise you are not invincible. Anyone who says what you reap you sow are full of crap. You are human like the rest of us, open to the same hurt, love and despair like the rest of us. I have had a string of a$$holes, does that mean I am owed a prince, certainly not!
Op, you seemed to genuinely loved this girl but as a 40 something, the way I seeit, it all happened too fast but it's not unsalvageable. Like other posters have said man up a bit, be strong, be the guy she fell for but I do believe you are owed an explanation for this. If it was a girl from your past, 1) she should have talked to you 2) so what! We all have skeletons !
OP, you have so much to look forward to and believe me if it doesn't work out with her, someone even more amazing will come along. Learn from this and I hope it works out for you!

LegacyUser

God I really feel for you, I'm going through the same thing at the moment and its horrible.

Mine ended a month ago and while I had realationships that have been a lot longer (this was 6 months) he just really got to me.

My advise would be not to do anything, I hate to say it but maybe she was cheating on you or met someone else. I found out the other night that my ex was so it makes sense...

Anyway keep busy, I've taken on new projects at work, new sports and spending a lot of time with my friends.

Remember theres no shame in being so down about this, but try to not let it consume your life.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason - if it was meant to be it'll work out.

So don't contact her, and allow yourself time to heal. The pain will pass

Big hug xx

Furious_George

Partizan wrote: »

Karma's a bitch OP. You used and treated too many girls like absolute crap that it was bound to come back and bite you up the arse. Dont bother looking here for self pity as its assholes like you who screw it up for us decent guys as we have to deal with the fallout, i.e. emotionally damaged women.

I suggest in future you show a little self respect towards yourself and others as well.

Weird for a guy to post on this topic so angrily. I think part of the point the op is making is that aftr being hurt he now realises he was wrong to treat women badly. He is only 24, give him a break....at that stage its all treat em mean keep em keen and the likes. Its whats drilled into young lads by their peers. I think it takes getting badly hurt to gain the empathy necessary to treat ladies who deserve respect with the respect they deserve. Btw not all lads or ladies deserve respect but that doesnt give anyone the right to hurt them either.

Op hate to say it but sounds like you were coming on too strong. Moving in aftr 3 months and lookn at engagement rings at 6-7 months is crazy.

candystick

BrokenHeartGuy wrote: »

I don't think I deserve another chance with her at all, but is there anything I can do?

Do you feel that you don't deserve another chance based on your relationship with her or you past relationships?
Might l suggest you send her an email asking her why she left. At least this would give you closure. I feel that you will not really be able to heal from this if you have many unanswered questions. What harm can one email be? She obviously cares for you by asking if you're ok.

castle

That Karma thing is not all it's cracked up to be,in fact in is total BS ,like people saying you never get any happiness from insurance fraud money(new car ,holiday etc)
Your past has nothing to do with this relationship and I believe after 7 mths together and 4 living together you do deserve to know the reason why but maybe she is cold hearted but more like she wants a clean break as if you spoke with her you might win her back, she maybe afraid of how deeply she fell for you and her way of dealing with this is just up and leave, may sound strange but maybe the case, I would as you only live once ask to meet her for coffee and don't let pride get in your way of asking for that coffee as this could be your future wife, best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for all the advice again, folks. It's very much appreciated.

Maybe I was moving too fast, but I don't think so. We talked a lot about it and she really wanted to move in with me, and I was more than delighted to have her move in. It was totally mutual.

But I also bit the bullet and replied to a text she sent me at lunchtime today. I was a little bit snippy, saying "How do you think I'm feeling?" initially.

Long story short, she called me. I kept it together, and we've agreed to meet up on Monday (we both have a day off) and to talk. I'm feeling kind of positive in that we can salvage something; she got a bit teary towards the end and said she missed me and loved me. I don't know, though. Maybe she's tearing up because she wants/needs to leave me for some reason.

Despite what everyone says and despite EVERYTHING, I love her to bits and we clicked so well. I might be getting my hopes up, but I'm hoping we can work something out. Maybe get back together but live apart for a bit like we did at the beginning of the relationship.

My one hope for Monday is that I get an answer of some sort, be it positive or negative. At least I will know where I stand.

summerlucey

You're only 24 so i dont see anything wrong with you having fun in the past. At least you were honest with the girls that you'd no interest. As for this new girl i think you frightened her off - where are you going looking at engagement rings after a few mths. Im even shocked ye moved in together. Thats what ruins most relationships. Def too much too soon. You can still talk about the future but dont ruin it by acting on it so soon. I dont know how you let her go day one without an explanation if you were as shocked as you say you were. Perhaps somebody told her about your past and she feared you were only using her too or could she have found out about the engagement ring? Calm down lad you're 24! Best of luck tomorrow. Let us know how u get on. If it doesnt work out then dont go back to your old ways!