marriage difficulties im suffering in silence

EWG

Hi all I guess I need some level headed advice. I'm married 3 years with a perfect toddler. In that time I had two miscarriages a full term pregnancy and we built a dream house. Money's been tight as it was huge financial strain. My husband has every close relationship within mother and it's not positive in terms of me. They sit at her kitchen table reading everyone and me too. I know I'm a decent person. I have put all my money and energy into the new house but I'm facing negativity the whole time. The in laws seem to be very jealous. I feel undermined and belittled by my husband. In fact I already spoke to my doc months ago. The latest was apparently my baby had feeding issues cos he didn't eat for mother in law...hubbyand herself booked human appointment with their own doc...btw I told her he was grand and tried to ignore her concerns as I feed him myself anyway obviously and he's just developing a personality but I get food into him...somehow! But alas she didn't believe me. Anyway baby got all clear. The next thing was hubby doesn't want me driving his car anymore...fine I gave him back the key. He has threatened to disconnect satellite I fact he did last nite. The car issue was after he had spent a day with his mother. I guess the comments were...u have the old car while she swans around inthe new car etc etc...anyway l of this has ruined my wknd and I will try to get a car loan and get my own car again. I only work part time due to baby and sold my last car to help get mortgage with hubby. Should I leave and what rights do I have? Btw he is angry whole time even though I do all baby feeds night etc he gets lunch dinner served up...yet he complains every day. She is only egging him on. I've had uncomfortable feelings for along time now in this marriage although I pay my way and put a lot into house. The way I look at things is noone is sick why all this unnecessary crap? I have seen texts from his mother...how are things...to which he replies grand we've had no arguments in a while...to which she replies...well I hope it stays that way...another....so what did she (me) say when u went out without baby bag etc etc...she's looking for drama interfering whole time. I heard this family have been to court many times...so prob dangerous. I have never been in my life neither has anyone in my family...I feel he has ruined our marriage trust etc...advise me ? I haven't slept all last nite due to stress and baby slept all nite. Just wondered what's next...the carthe satellite...why so strange ? I don't think he's stable. He is also half deaf but well qualified professional...I'm flexible with hearing whole time but he has no problem walking off in a huff. What I can't understand is last wknd he bought a large xmas tree and decorations for house...then after a day with mommy he came home a diff man...taliking car diesel etc etc...help needed. This is an ongoing thing I face and I dint want to lose anymore sleep.

ABajaninCork

Oh boy! The monster-in-law raises its head....

OP. You need to sit down and talk to your hubby. Try to do it in a calm atmosphere. If it helps, write down what you want to say, but shred or burn the paper afterwards, in case he wants to show it to Mommie Dearest.

What's with making an appointment taking the baby to see the doctor behind your back? That's one thing I would stamp out sharpish! How dare they? You're the child's mother. If you don't know when he's sick, then there's a problem. Make it very clear to your husband that any recurrance will not be tolerated. If it happens again - cancel it at once. NOBODY deals with the doctor but you and you husband. In fact, I would stop all visits until the message gets through.

I agree with you with getting your own car. If he's going to be that petty, then let him keep the damn thing. Obviously, making sure his wife and child can travel in a reliable car isn't high on his list of priorities. Keeping in with Mummy is!

It might be difficult, but every time his mother snipes, ask her calmly 'Why do you say/think that?'

Finally - some couples counselling might be in order. Would your husband be open to that?

teire01

Hi,
I feel very sorry for you in your situation and I hope you have somebody who is supporting you too.
I think some Grannies can (perhaps unintentionally) be very interfering and think they know best - is she
doing free childminding, etc. that perhaps makes her feel that she can take over.
It is important that you get sleep - it can be hard to be think logically when you are tired and rows
can get out of control.

Some people have so little to do in their own day that they spend their time picking at how others
are living. I would say that lady needs to find things to do with her own time so she is less focused on
your family life. And I would suggest talking to your husband about the fact that ye are now his family
and his priority and decisions affecting ye should be made within your family unit first and foremost and not
with Granny's influence. Also maybe come back to some of his irrational decisions after things have calmed down
and see if more sensible decisions can be reached.
Good luck.

mikedee1

Lady you are the only solution to this. Blaming the hellish in law is one thing however you better realise soon that you have married a controlling wimp. Just look at it logically. Mother controls him - he controls you simple as that.

What do you do?Firstly WAKE UP!!

You CANNOT change their behaviour you can only manage your own. You simply have a decision to make - keep taking this abuse (yes ABUSE) or eliminate it. It is unacceptable - period.

Marriage is 50/50..indeed any relationship based on love needs to be.

Stand up to the wimp first of all. Tell him (yes TELL) that you will no longer accept any other people interfering in YOUR life.Tell him that if he wishes to be influenced by his mother thats his problem.

Ask yourself this question - "What will happen if you do NOT take action?"

Will it get better or worse?
If this is still happening in 1-2-3 or more years will it be a good thing???

Lady you either stand or fall on how you deal with this.

Peace...x

Calhoun

Do you have any relatives close that you could go visit? or can you get him to leave the house? If you still want to be with him (i would understand if you didn't) you really need to draw a line and let him know how serious this is, sometime apart would give you both time to reflect on where this is going.

If i was in your position the items that i would want to put some thought into are;

1. Can you get past the broken trust and be with him?
2. Should your in-laws even be in your life, they or your MIL has shown to be nothing but poisonous. I would not want her in my home and she would never see my child with the stunt she pulled, if she has shown you this lack of respect so far could you imagine what she would be like when the child is older the poison dipped in its ear;
3. How can you tackle his disrespectful and controlling attitude, my view is when you get married you become partners and share the burden of purchases ect. It doesn't sound like he has taken this into account with the car and the satellite is absurd. If he wants to start treating things seperately why are you guys even together.
4. Stop reading his texts, they are none of your business and are making it your view of it worse on yourself as its leading to bad thoughts;

Time to lay it on the line OP as you already have one child to look after, who wants to live with another.

summerlucey

Hello EWG

Firstly your story made me quite sad and im sorry that you are in it. You need to take your mother in law out of the situation and ask yourself if you genuinely love your husband and wish to make a go of things. Have you ever actually spoke to your husband about any of this? Men can be very close to their mothers and i wouldnt recommend interfering. You seem to put up with a lot but i just wonder why you never stand up for yourself? Dont read anymore of his messages - thats not going to help the situation. If i were you id play along for a while and then when getting on well bring up your relationship. Why not suggest a weekend away one of the cheap getaway breaks and bring fun back into your relationship. When getting on well then tell him some of his comments and actions upset you. Is his mother old? Will she be around much longer?