Messed up situation! Help!

LegacyUser

Hi guys and gals,
I have a relationship issue thats driving me mad and I havent been able to talk to anyone about, so i'm turning to you guys for advice.
A little backround, Ive been going out with a really great guy, who i get on great with and who I love. Not only are we a couple, we also work togeather, however its not your ordinary 9-5 office job situation, we both fly, for a well know airline, and while we dont do the exact same job, we still work togeather, I'm sure most of you have guessed our job roles by now, and yes i know how cliche! But wait theres a twist
Not only are we a coulple but we have also become best friends, we are very close and i care deeply for him. But a couple of months back things changed, and ive been trying to get my head around whats happened since. Ok basically i noticed a change in Mark(not his real name), he seemed to become depressed, distant, angry, and just no himself. I really didnt know what was wrong with him, i thought maybe he was having an affair etc, but i got worried about him and us so I decided we needed to talk.
One night we he was staying at mine, I confronted him, he had been acting strange all evening and so i thought i may as well ask him, as we have always had an open and upfront relationship. At first he said nothing was wrong, the reaction i predicted, but i knew something was bothering him. After talking for a while, me still none the wiser as to what the actual issue was Mark got upset and I noticed tears in his eyes. I had never seen Mark cry before and he is not the "in-touch with his emotions" type guy at all.
To my absolute shock Mark came out to me as gay. It was the very last thing I had expected and i had not been prepared for that, but I over came my shock and just hugged him. As hard as it was for me to hear that i must have been ten times as hard for him to say that to me. So we talked for almost the whole night, I asked had he cheated on me, he said no, and i do believe him. As i said we care deeply about eachother and so i gave him my support. The problem is he is not exactly sure he has accepted this about himself yet, and he says he is certainly not ready to come out publicly and isint sure if he ever will be. He tends to get very depressed about the whold thing and i do worry about him at times. He has alot of fears about people finding out and alot of inhibitions, so we decided he should take things slow and that he didnt need to have a big "comming out" as such!
However as a result of this we havent exactly " broken up"!! While we dont consider ourselves a couple, most of out friends,family and colleagues still kind of do
I never told a soul about Mark and never would without his consent so we have just remained best friends and i guess im a shoulder for him! But my life at home and in work has become so akward, constantly avoiding questions and changing the subject to something else. I dont know how much longer I can keep this up, its only a matter of time before people start to ask what exactly are Mark and I relationship wise? Im sorry this is so long and dragged out but its just my first time talking about this to anyone! In a nutshell Mark and I are having a "disguise" relationship to cover up who he truly is! I'm doing it because well, fistly i love him as a friend and spend time with him anyway, and secondly because he is very fragile(although you would never know this from the outside) at the moment and i want to protect him. But the problem is how do i get out of this situation, move on with my life, but without hurting Mark, as i know he would continue doing what we are doing right now for god knows how long!
How do i deal with this in work? I dont want us (especially mark) to be found out and be the gossip of every flight
And what can I do to help Mark? Neither of us can go on like this for much longer?
Any advice would be much appreciated!
Sorry for the length! And also any bad spelling and punctuation, as I wrote it all in a bit of a rush

Roisy7

You poor crater.

While it's a horrible situation for him to be in, indeed I can't imagine how tough it must be to feel you have to deny your true self, it's also horrible for you.

I can imagine there's all sorts of emotions floating around in your head, from hurt to confusion and maybe even a bit of embarrassment, but you need to mind yourself first and foremost. If I have learned one thing in life it is that you need to look out for yourself and take care of your own wellbeing, you can't rely on other people to do it for you.

Which brings me neatly to Mark.

Mark is using you as a crutch. It's not fair on you or on him. His sexuality is his alone to deal with, and if he doesn't want to come out in work, he doesn't have to. All I know about the airline industry is from the movies sadly, but I imagine that it isn't the worst profession in the world in which to be gay, at least outside the cockpit??

You need to think very carefully here. I know you love him and want to be there for him, but how much longer are you willing to keep up this sham relationship? You're essentially putting your life on hold for this man. What if someone else, someone straight, comes along in the meantime? Are you going to give up a shot at happiness to be someone's beard?!

As for the awkwardness in work. I think you are magnifying this. I know it's an intimate workplace but people grow bored if they see that no gossip is forthcoming.

I think you know what I'm going to say here. You need to "break up" with Mark. You need it to be known to your colleagues that you are no longer a couple and if ye maintain a dignified silence they will soon stop prying.

It may be the push he needs to confront his sexuality and become comfortable with it.

You can still be there as his friend. But if that's too hard, put some distance between ye at least for a while.

It's hard but this is the best thing for both of ye. Good luck OP, fly safe x

Pippy1976

Why don't you tell your colleagues / family / friends that you have decided to break up but you still remain very good friends.

At least that way he still has you for a friend (and him for you) and no-one needs to be any the wiser regarding his sexuality. People break up and stay friends alot of the time, it won't seem unusual.

Good luck, pips

PlainP

Would he be very "camp" in that people suspect him of being gay but the fact that he is with you people take it that he's not?

You need to think of yourself and make the break in my opinion.

As the previous poster has mentioned just say that you are both still great friends and it was a very amicable breakup.

Your friend needs to see that he is hindering your romantic chances and that this is not fair on you. Also it is not fair on himself, he needs to come to terms with this and I think that having you as a cushion to fall back on or telling people that you are his girlfriend is not helping "come out" as it were.

Good luck though as it is a very sensitive issue to deal with.

squonk

As others have said OP, break up amicably. Remain dignified about it and people won't pry. Anybody gossiping about Mark's sexual orientation is showing themselves up as ignorant.

I've a few gay friends and I've seen the 'faux girlfriend' thing before. In the case of one 'couple' I know, it's been going on for years and I've no reason to expect it won't run for years more. You don't want to cut yourself off from other guys who would love to go out with you because of the perception that you're Mark's OH and, unfortunately, that's what will happen if you don't take some action. Try and get the ball rolling and start to move on. There's no reason why you and Mark can't remain best friends. It's a very tough thing to go through so I wish you the best.

LegacyUser

Roisy7 wrote: »

You poor crater.


I think you know what I'm going to say here. You need to "break up" with Mark. You need it to be known to your colleagues that you are no longer a couple and if ye maintain a dignified silence they will soon stop prying.

It may be the push he needs to confront his sexuality and become comfortable with it.

x

Thank you for your advice! I think i knew this all along really, I just seemed to put off thinking about it and over a period of time suddenly found myself in the situation! And I've not discussed this with any of my friends as my close friends are all mutual friends of Mark too so i didnt want to tell them, and i didnt want to spring it on my good friends from college either, i guess i thought it would be a bit strange to tell them this has been going on in my life and i suppose i was embarrassed, not of the fact my boyfriend turned out gay, I know a person doesn't just "turn gay", i guess i was embarrassed of the situation i got myself into. But thank you for the reassurance

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Why don't you tell your colleagues / family / friends that you have decided to break up but you still remain very good friends.

At least that way he still has you for a friend (and him for you) and no-one needs to be any the wiser regarding his sexuality. People break up and stay friends alot of the time, it won't seem unusual.

thanks for your advice, I appreciate it, and yes I think this is the only logical move to make from here on.

PlainP wrote: »

Would he be very "camp" in that people suspect him of being gay but the fact that he is with you people take it that he's not?

.

No Mark is not in any way camp or obvious! Thats why i was taken aback so much , but then again "camp" is nothing more than a stereotype, There are loads of guys out there who just happen to be gay, its just when you find yourself in a relationship with one it can get messed up.

squonk wrote: »

As others have said OP, break up amicably. Remain dignified about it and people won't pry. Anybody gossiping about Mark's sexual orientation is showing themselves up as ignorant.

Again thank you for you contribution , much appreciated. And I can see now what i need to do for both our wellbeing, It wont be easy by any measure but it has to be done. I just worry about people in work gossiping because thats what people at work do sometimes I came close to telling some friends from work before but the thought of the news spreading and if it ever got back to Mark stopped me. He trusts me, as i do him so i didn't want to let him down as he really has no one else to confide in. Whether or not he eventually comes out is one thing but if he does i will have to deal with people gossiping then and im sure il get over it!

tony81

Hi
If you tell anyone at all there's a very good chance it will get back.

You're definitely not doing him any favours by pretending you're still an item.

Let him make an exit strategy. Tell your coworkers that you've decided to call it a day. Mutual decision. If they push you as to who made the decision, tell them it's private and not up for discussion.

Good luck.