What to Do

LegacyUser

The person i am crazy about has a girlfriend.

I honestly don't know what to do, I am not a stupid person or a young girl in love. I know they are only together because he is too frightened to end it, they never spend any time together because he is always with me if he's not working, I don't know what to do, I haven't been this happy in a long long time. But everytime we are together it's on my mind "he has a girlfriend"

Afraid to talk to anyone about this so thats why im here, please be gentle with me boardsies.

Should i tell him that it's too hard and I can't do it anymore or tell him it's me or her even though he could do it to me in the future

CarMe

As a girl in a long term relationship with a little girl together, I find it reeeally hard to sympathise with you but Im going to try put that aside for the sake of decent advice.
Is he scared to leave her because they have a home together or children or something that would make it complicated? If so then I would advice you leave things and let him come to you when he has all that sorted, but ALWAYS remember that if he cheated with you the chances are he'll cheat on you.
If he doesn't have any of the above commitments with her then it sounds like he's just having his cake and eating it too, he can't care about you all that much to put you in an unnecessary situation like this.
Hope that's not too harsh.

therealme

"I know they are only together because he is too frightened to end it, they never spend any time together because he is always with me if he's not working, I don't know what to do, I haven't been this happy in a long long time."

Em...re-read what YOU have said!! HE is in a relationship - (I wonder what excuses he tells her) HE gets what he wants (presumably) from you - when HE wants - HOW can that make YOU happy??????

"Should i tell him that it's too hard and I can't do it anymore or tell him it's me or her even though he could do it to me in the future"

Tell him where to go and find yourself a real man with no commitments or other partner at home (more than likely blissfully unaware and happy)! Sorry to be blunt but seriously - would you trust a man (supposing he left his partner for you) that he wouldn't do that again - to you???

Stavro Mueller

Has he actually said it to you or are you jumping to conclusions? The truth is that despite him spending so much time with you (I assume you're having sex) he is choosing to remain with his girlfriend. Which to me suggests he is not quite as crazy about you. Or that the current scenario is suiting him just fine.

You've also brought up another issue. If you did actually give him the "it's me or her ultimatum", would you then be spending your time wondering if he had another woman on the side? That sort of thing will eat you up in the long term.

The sensible thing to do here is to end it and walk away. No ultimatums. Just walk. It's not what you want of course but I don't see you having any other option. I'm sure he will tell you what you want to hear but you'll not see any concrete action.

stargazer 68

Op you are the other woman! Is that really what you want to be??
He has no intention of leaving her - if he had he would have done it already. He is (I assume) sleeping with you and then going home and sleeping with her!!

Tell him to take a hike. I know it will be difficult however just think logically about it. If your best friend was in this situation you would tell her the same.

LegacyUser

I dont know if I agree with the other posters. Its not ideal that he has a girlfriend but you are single so you are doing nothing wrong. The problem here is that you have fallen for him. It doesn't sound like leaving the situation will make you happy so why not sit it out for another while. He may develop deeper feelings for you which would make him leave his partner.

Oryx

If he is with you all the time when he is not working, are you a secret? How is he hiding this from the girlfriend?

And op, I know you say you are not a young girl in love, but you are falling for such a stereotypical line. 'He is too afraid to leave her'. No. He is too afraid to upset his cozy life. You are not important enough to him for him to do that.

You are having a great time with him except for your nagging conscience telling you this is all wrong. And it is. You are settling for part time instead recognising you are worth more. If you want to be with him, and he with you, then tell him to sort his situation out, and until he does, that you cannot be together. Youll soon discover what this relationship is about. Yes, you may lose him, but it would only prove you never had him in the first place.

dearg lady

Dubrubtub wrote: »

Its not ideal that he has a girlfriend but you are single so you are doing nothing wrong.

What an absolute copout. OP knows this man has a girlfriend and what they are doing would hurt his girlfriend if she found out, of course she is doing something wrong. Even the OP herself knows she is doing something wrong, it's just very very difficult to stop when she is involved.

Meauldsegosha

Dubrubtub wrote: »

I dont know if I agree with the other posters. Its not ideal that he has a girlfriend but you are single so you are doing nothing wrong. The problem here is that you have fallen for him. It doesn't sound like leaving the situation will make you happy so why not sit it out for another while. He may develop deeper feelings for you which would make him leave his partner.

Yes she is single and not the one cheating but I don't agree with your advice that she should wait for him to develop deeper feelings.

OP, he's not afaird to tell his girlfriend, thats one of the oldest lines in the book. If he wanted to be fully committed to you he would be. Get rid of him, find someone who will treat you with respect. Good luck.

emsie80

Dubrubtub wrote: »

I dont know if I agree with the other posters. Its not ideal that he has a girlfriend but you are single so you are doing nothing wrong. The problem here is that you have fallen for him. It doesn't sound like leaving the situation will make you happy so why not sit it out for another while. He may develop deeper feelings for you which would make him leave his partner.

OP is aware that he has a partner. Why in Gods name would that be OK with anyone???
I really dont understand how anyone that knows that someone is in a relationship could willingly go there!?!
Has he given any credible reasons as to WHY he is afraid to leave her??

LegacyUser

Remember OP, what he does for you, he will do to you.
IE: if he's cheating on someone for you now, he will cheat on you in the future.

username123

I know they are only together because he is too frightened to end it

Im afraid not. They are together because he chooses to have a woman at home (no doubt keeping house, washing his clothes, handing him up a dinner, having sex with him etc) and he likes having a woman on the side who isnt as important as his woman at home and who would be dropped like a hot snot for the next woman on the side if she rocks the boat.

Yeah, sure, tell him its you or her. You know what the outcome of that will be? Most likely it will be her. But even if its you, everytime he is out of the house you will worry that he is with someone else.

I feel really bad for you because you must have absolutely zero self esteem to allow someone to treat you in such a despicable way. You are playing second fiddle. You are a mistress. You will never share in the important events of life like xmas or his birthdays because his real girlfriend will be there for him. You are just someone to have sex with. Thats how he sees it. Why would you want a man who is willing to treat his girlfriend with such contempt and you with such cruelty? Id tell him to sling his hook and and tbh, Id tell her what he is like too.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I feel for you as I was in a similar position a few years ago. The guy I was crazy about had a girlfriend. There was never anything physical between us but there were very strong feelings there, and a great friendship. In the end I left the situation (we worked together) and didn't get in contact with him again. The way I saw it was that I wasn't willing to be anyone's second choice. If he wanted something to happen then he could leave his girlfriend; if he wanted to be with her then I didn't want to know. I didn't give him any ultimatum. I just left and waited to see what would happen. In the end neither of us got in contact. It's been hard - I have bumped into him since and the attraction is still there. The temptation to message him has at times been huge. However, the truth remains. If he had really wanted something to happen with me then he would be with me * instead * of her, not as well as. Equally in your case, if he really, truly wanted to be with you then you wouldn't need to give him any ultimatum. He would have the courage and decency to leave his girlfriend. Do you really want to be with someone who lacks the bravery to leave a relationship that isn't working? You're worth someone's full attention, not just being their bit on the side. My advice would be to end things and walk away, not even as an ultimatum or a way of calling his bluff, but because you truly believe that you're worth more than this.