Ex's and decisions for kids

LegacyUser

Ill try and make this brief, ex and I seperated almost 4 years, he lives with gf about and hour and half away. When he left to be with his gf, he left 3 kids with me. aged 3,7, and 15. Eldest of whom was not biologically his, whom he adopted. He hasn't had any contact with eldest since split, will only communicate with me via text or solrs..and sees two youngest once a month making no exceptions for xmas, birthdays, communions etc...
So all in all am pretty much doing all the parenting. Which is fine by me, kids are great after a rough 1st year and are now in a great place.. very happy and well adjusted.. I am very happy and so proud of them..
An issue has arisen with the youngest and her teacher, in my mind she is being bullied by her teacher and after agonising over this for some time I have decided to remove her from the school to a more local school. I try and keep ex in the loop and asked hime what he thought of her teacher and he agreed she was picking on our daughter (now 8) I informed ex that want to remove daughter and he has really kicked off. He doesn't want her moved, despite her being so unhappy, the current school is in his home town near his Mother, and I can't help but feel she is behind this.. So D-Day is tomorrow, do I move her or take his wishes into consideration???.. I have already secured a place in the local school for her, and hand on heart am probably going to move her anyway...Any views or suggestions greatly appreciated..
Cheers

Big Bag of Chips

OP, let me know if you want this moved to the parenting forum. Anonymous posting is also allowed there.

LegacyUser

Thats probably a good ideas mod. thanks

liliq

If he adopted your oldest he is a legal guardian...
You don't say whether you two were married or whether he was made legal guardian of your younger two?
If no to both, then I'd say go ahead and move her assuming she also wants to move. Being unhappy and bullied in school will more than likely have a long term negative impact.
One of the best things my mum ever did for me when I was the same age... 8... was move me from a negative school environment.
If he IS a legal guardian then it's a lot trickier a situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks liliq, yes we are still married, I have custody he has access. I met with the teacher and himself to hear what they both had to say but in the end I moved her anyway. I don't understand why he is so anti the move, she was so happy to move, and bounced into her new school this morning. He is like a deamon, which is a bit rich considering he has the kids 1 weekend a month.. I have asked solr where I stand, am just hoping this is the end of it.
Thanks again

edellc

As said above is he the legal guardian of the two youngest as if you where never married then he has no rights over them until he seeks it in court.

However if I was in your shoes, I would move my child to a better school environment and deal with the fall out later, I mean whats a court going to do, order you to put your child back in a school she was being bullied, seriously.

Its up to us as parents to do the best for our child, if he is blinded in some way by a nagging mother or his own selfishness then thats his issue, you need to do what is best for your little girl, let him have a rant and rave about it but once its done its done, your child and her safety and mental health is whats important.

Just in case he does drag it to court, have you documents that you may have sent to the school outlining the issues you have with the teacher, as you may need to provide such documents, MAY NEED TO be the words, but if he does go that route go to a solicitor asap and get the legal advise you need.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately daughters happiness was shortlived, when she rang her dad to tell him how well she got on, he told her he was putting her back in her old school, that she'll never see granny cause shes in school in a diffferent town, (20 min away) that he and granny are disgusted with mammy... the poor girl is distraught... I spent evening consoling her and explaining that Dad was having a bad day and was cross with me and was something for the grown ups to sort out and he shouldn't have given out to her... God am so upset, I feel now I'll have to monitor his calls to the kids!!!!! Am quite nervous to be honest as I don't know what he'll do next... Awaiting a call from solr....
What a mess!!!

Am not sure if I was clear in last posts, we are still married but seperated 3.5 years. Kids live with me full time he has access. Not sure how this effects parental rights on either side..
Thanks for reading.

edellc

what a complete arse hole OP, and he has the cheek to call himself a father to this little girl, what a joke, maybe if he could stop being such a selfish idiot for a minute and actually think about the impact that the situation in school and now this phone call has on an 8year old, Im fuming for you

So from your post he sees them once a month, making you primary carer, however due to marriage he does have equal rights so get yourself to a solicitor asap, but the fact he sees them once a month is a bonus for you.

If he only sees them once a month I dont really see how he is going to move her back into that school, surely the school also know your separated and how little contact he has with them, anyway I am not a solicitor and I really do think that the best thing for you is legal advise

Best of luck with it OP

LegacyUser

Thank you guys for listening to my rants... I am just going to plow on now and hope that this passes, meeting ex mammy in law today so will have a word with her, I definately know know that fear of loosing access to her grand kids was behind most of this, and his flexing his muscles... If she had just said this to me I would have re-assured her and we could have put a plan in place.. Ahh well, I suppose he didn't lick it off the ground did he..
Anyway off to ring my solr..
Thanks again, yer advice means a lot..

Big Bag of Chips

As her guardian he can of course refuse to allow her to move school. And demand that you return her to her old school.

You on the other hand, have the option of challenging his decision by going to court over it. The judge should then decide with the best interests of the child in mind, where is better for her to go to school and overturn his "right" as her guardian to have her moved back to the other school. But, a judge may also overturn your decision to move her, too.. unlikely, but something to consider.

Get yourself to a solicitor.

mashedbanana

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

As her guardian he can of course refuse to allow her to move school. And demand that you return her to her old school.

You on the other hand, have the option of challenging his decision by going to court over it. The judge should then decide with the best interests of the child in mind, where is better for her to go to school and overturn his "right" as her guardian to have her moved back to the other school. But, a judge may also overturn your decision to move her, too.. unlikely, but something to consider.

Get yourself to a solicitor.

I totally agree with this poster.
It looks like court might be the only way to go. Any idea what might have rattled his cage? Or is he one of these dads that wants to be there for all the decision making (so as to feel important) but in actuality, can only manage part time parenting? Seems as if his 'mammy' is tutoring him too.

In all honesty though, no famiy law judge in the country, who having read through details of your relationship, is going allow a small girl to be frog marched, every morning, into a school that she doesn't like. Not to mention drawing attention to the school also....school won't like that much!(I know from experience!!!)

I'd would safely say you ex is full of s*it, and someone is dripping poison in his ear. If the school doesn't want to admit that there is a problem (and they won't, trust me!) then by all means YOU do whats best for YOUR child. He is only trying to scare both you & the smal girl. emotional blackmail. The judge will relish hearing those details! Best of luck Girl x

Big Bag of Chips

Actually - as her primary carer, you can just continue as you are. If he wants her to be returned to her old school let him go about bringing you to court over it. Let him put his argument across to a judge why she should go to school there because his mother lives close etc.

If you ignore his strop it will be the only thing he can do. Do you think he'll be bothered to go to the effort or is just all about making noise for the benefit of others?

tipptopper

Op, get yourself a solicitor asap. Your daughters happiness is the be all and end all here, what an arsehole your husband seems to be.


Also, if he is upsetting the little girl, start monitoring the calls, as 1 other poster said, he will start poisoning her mind towards you.


What a selfish pr1ck he is, and has the nerve to call himself a father.
You mentioned you met the teacher, what did she say when you felt she was bulling your daughter?


I’d be interested in hearing the outcome of that conversation.

LegacyUser

Oh my God guys, thanks so much for your input... Am in tears here reading your posts... With the constant barrage of texts telling me how selfish and twisted I am I suppose my resolve was shaken...

Mashedbannana - You have him down to a tee, on the whole he has no interest, the kids are trophys to be paraded when the occasion arises.....and yes I do believe that mammy is orchestrating a lot of this. I have worked so hard to keep the connection between my kids and the outlaws, as daddy couldn't be bothered, I am just so angry and hurt that she didn't come to me, before setting her pitbull on me and the kids. I have always kept her in the loop, made sure that the kids have had weekly visits ????

Bigbagofchips, I have a great solr, so just waiting on his phonecall... So Fingers crossed. And I think you are right, I'll ride it out and see what happens, will be firming up access arrangements from now on though, for him and his mother.. Thats what I get for being an accomodating fool.

Tiptopper, the conversation with teacher went along the lines of," I had no idea she felt this bad, I'm very hurt, she's making a lot of this up, I'm a consumate professional and the most approachable teacher in this school, shur what can I do, I'm doing everything right, I'm firm but fair"......despite the numerous conversations we had had and that I had sent a letter of complaint to the principal, and met with the principal.. So even though I wanted to put the teacher through the wall, and her excuses were pathetic, I left the meeting on civil terms and said I would be in touch....

Ex's response to the meeting was ,well maybe I misinterpreted your words Miss XXXXX, maybe you're right, we should really give the teacher another chance...I listened, I challenged her, I tried to converse with ex afterwards to which I was told I had no authority and I dare not cross him, I was to leave her in the school...

Now I will say I have a great respect for the school and they have been very good, to the point where I have left the older child(in 6th class) in the school, the issue was with this teacher... But I do not want her getting away with her behaviour and because I removed my daughted the matter is not finished. I will be following up on it. If only for all the poor other little devils left in her care.

And I know know because of all of this my daughter is going to balk at the idea of talking to or seeing her Dad again, so how am I going to help her???

I just don't know... With all the mention of bullying in the media, I now know what has been happening to my kids and I for all this time... Feel so stupid fe being too bloody nice....
Again thanks for reading..

mashedbanana

Mise 2 wrote: »

Oh my God guys, thanks so much for your input... Am in tears here reading your posts... With the constant barrage of texts telling me how selfish and twisted I am I suppose my resolve was shaken...

Mashedbannana - You have him down to a tee, on the whole he has no interest, the kids are trophys to be paraded when the occasion arises.....and yes I do believe that mammy is orchestrating a lot of this. I have worked so hard to keep the connection between my kids and the outlaws, as daddy couldn't be bothered, I am just so angry and hurt that she didn't come to me, before setting her pitbull on me and the kids. I have always kept her in the loop, made sure that the kids have had weekly visits ????

Bigbagofchips, I have a great solr, so just waiting on his phonecall... So Fingers crossed. And I think you are right, I'll ride it out and see what happens, will be firming up access arrangements from now on though, for him and his mother.. Thats what I get for being an accomodating fool.

Tiptopper, the conversation with teacher went along the lines of," I had no idea she felt this bad, I'm very hurt, she's making a lot of this up, I'm a consumate professional and the most approachable teacher in this school, shur what can I do, I'm doing everything right, I'm firm but fair"......despite the numerous conversations we had had and that I had sent a letter of complaint to the principal, and met with the principal.. So even though I wanted to put the teacher through the wall, and her excuses were pathetic, I left the meeting on civil terms and said I would be in touch....

Ex's response to the meeting was ,well maybe I misinterpreted your words Miss XXXXX, maybe you're right, we should really give the teacher another chance...I listened, I challenged her, I tried to converse with ex afterwards to which I was told I had no authority and I dare not cross him, I was to leave her in the school...

Now I will say I have a great respect for the school and they have been very good, to the point where I have left the older child(in 6th class) in the school, the issue was with this teacher... But I do not want her getting away with her behaviour and because I removed my daughted the matter is not finished. I will be following up on it. If only for all the poor other little devils left in her care.

And I know know because of all of this my daughter is going to balk at the idea of talking to or seeing her Dad again, so how am I going to help her???

I just don't know... With all the mention of bullying in the media, I now know what has been happening to my kids and I for all this time... Feel so stupid fe being too bloody nice....
Again thanks for reading..

Many moons ago, when my now hubby and I were havig difficulties, he moved out (only for a few weeks mind you) we already had 1 child. He had no choice at the time but to move back in to his mam & dads. It took him years to tell me that, no sooner had he landed inside the door but his mother started. She told him to ...(Quote) 'Yerra, throw her twenty quid a week for the child, shur thats what they're all doing' That is what she though of me and the child.

After your ex grows us, and his balls drop, he will eventually realise what a f*ck up he has made of his relationship with you & the kids. It could take a few years mind you! and of course when it does come round...it'll be too little too late. The worst thing he can do is let his mother call rank. She is power tripping, and being allowed to do so! by him. wimp. His mother is the 2nd most important female in his life. (other then wife). It didn't work out with you, so now 'mammy' is holding his hand through it all, patting him on the back and telling him, 'it's not your fault son'.It doesn't matter what age they are they are all 'lil boys when in 'mammys' pressence ESPECIALLY if he feels wronged.

There is absolutely f*ck all that he can do about you changing where the child goes to school. But please do your business properly. Cover your back, cos you know better then me exactly what you are dealing with. DO get a solicitor let you ex and his organ grinder, know you mean business. You could be entitled to representation ;-). You aproached the school, yet still felt it was in the 'CHILDS BEST INTEREST' to move her. Not a judge in the land will question you on that. Did the child get an upset tummy going into school every morning with anxiety of being in a class with a teacher like that? was she bet wetting? was she playing up at home? These are all things that you must consider when putting your case together. Get it ALL on paper! Do your business right.

I agree with the poster that said to 'let him go to the courts' and yes ... do! let him pay for it. Cos once he does go to a solictor, and get advice, you will have your business done at that stage. All on paper, ready for referal.
it's gonna be a hard road, depending on how much he is willing to drag it out for.


If you show fear, then he will dance all over you. Cos lets face it, he has lost everything, and now your the Big Bad Wolf, makin decisions without his permission. xx

LegacyUser

Well as predicted a nasty solrs letter arrived in the post yesterday and was waiting for me after work last night, basically telling me I was not to make any decisions concerning the kids without his consent. That he saw no reason to remove daughter from the school, and that if I ignored the letter or failed to pretty much adhere to his wishes he would make an emergency application to the courts to protect his interests and indeed his daughters.....

I spoke with my solicitor today and I can't type his reaction as his words were pretty explicit .. But he told me I have nothing to worry about as I did everything right and he would love to see what a judge would make of him..... etc etc etc..
I am sooooooo relieved. And I want to say thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and support... I did not want to worry my family with all this hassle, and I have some overprotective brothers... and being able to share my worries here has been such a help...
Thanks again everyone, and mashedbannana it was great to hear your story...
Sending you all virtual huggs... S

mashedbanana

Mise 2 wrote: »

Well as predicted a nasty solrs letter arrived in the post yesterday and was waiting for me after work last night, basically telling me I was not to make any decisions concerning the kids without his consent. That he saw no reason to remove daughter from the school, and that if I ignored the letter or failed to pretty much adhere to his wishes he would make an emergency application to the courts to protect his interests and indeed his daughters.....

I spoke with my solicitor today and I can't type his reaction as his words were pretty explicit .. But he told me I have nothing to worry about as I did everything right and he would love to see what a judge would make of him..... etc etc etc..
I am sooooooo relieved. And I want to say thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and support... I did not want to worry my family with all this hassle, and I have some overprotective brothers... and being able to share my worries here has been such a help...
Thanks again everyone, and mashedbannana it was great to hear your story...
Sending you all virtual huggs... S

You are more then welcome :-) .At this point the ex will try and scare the bejesus out of you! don't fall for it though! be one step ahead of him!.

....No doubt when the time is right your 'over protective brothers' will help him see sense! .... All good things come to those who wait ;-) xx

Wibbles19

Mise 2, sounds like you have your head screwed on right and hold your childerens welfare to the highest standard. Please continue to parent your kids to this standard, you're doing a fantastic job, as primary care provider you know what's best for your children. I totally get your solicitor, a judge would have a field day with your ex. The letters in the door can shake your confidence and determination, but keep focused on the best result for the children.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much, I am trying to do things right... Sometimes I'm not always sure... Anyway the update is that he is progressing with court action and I can expect to be summonsed tomorrow ... Oh God... I'd say my blood pressure is through the roof... On a more positive note my daughter is so happy she's up and dressed waiting to go to school every day at 7.30 am. we don't leave the house till 8.45...Ha ha!!! AND Thank God!

mashedbanana

Mise2 wrote: »

Thanks so much, I am trying to do things right... Sometimes I'm not always sure... Anyway the update is that he is progressing with court action and I can expect to be summonsed tomorrow ... Oh God... I'd say my blood pressure is through the roof... On a more positive note my daughter is so happy she's up and dressed waiting to go to school every day at 7.30 am. we don't leave the house till 8.45...Ha ha!!! AND Thank God!

She obviously loves the new school! No doubt when it comes to court day, you'll have a letter from her new school ready, telling the judge how happy the child is in the new school. I'm sure the childs anxiety has lessened too?It's a pity that he (his mother & family) is actually taking you to court, cos it's expensive, at least your're not paying. :-)

LegacyUser

Hiya, just a quick update, daughter has settled in really well and taken to new school fantastically well. Ex has me in court tomorrow in an emergency hearing on child welfare!!!!??!!!!
Fingers and toes crossed, I think the major issue here is the inconvenience of having to travel 30 mins more for access to her. He has informed me that I have to drop her to his mams from now on for future access as I moved her to a school in her home town...
Bigh sigh.. here we go..

mashedbanana

Mise 2 wrote: »

Hiya, just a quick update, daughter has settled in really well and taken to new school fantastically well. Ex has me in court tomorrow in an emergency hearing on child welfare!!!!??!!!!
Fingers and toes crossed, I think the major issue here is the inconvenience of having to travel 30 mins more for access to her. He has informed me that I have to drop her to his mams from now on for future access as I moved her to a school in her home town...
Bigh sigh.. here we go..

Delighted to hear that she has settled in!, and is no doubt looking forward to Santa too! Try not to worry about tomorrow, easier said then done. you did the best thing for your child, and thats what matters.
Your ex instructing you that 'you'll have to' drop the child to the mothers house, is just him pushing his luck i'd say. You only 'have' to do what the judge tells you to do, not the knob of an ex. i can't remember the exact age that a child can 'take the stand', so to speak, cos it's 'then' that the chid gets to have their say, and express how they feel, when asked a few questions by a judge.

anyway, 'Besht a luck' tomorrow! let us know how you get on ok? :-)

Zil2011

Mise 2, have to say, you sound like a level headed parent who is doing the very best for the childs welfare. How did it all fare out in court? I hope your bullying ex didn't get his own way in the end?

LegacyUser

Quick update: Thanks for your kind words and support. Court is ongoing, we are infront of the judge for the 3rd time on this issue at the end of the month. Judge initially pretty much took his side but when she heard my side she was pretty decent and told us to go for mediation, that she does not want to make the decision. I am happy to do so as we have many years of parenting ahead and I want the best for the kids. Both ex and I have registered with family mediation service, but he declined 1st session offered... so will have to wait and see. It has been a horrible and stressful time for me and the kids, while I get his concern the way he goes about things is just so irrational and self centred... Am thinking of going to the counsellor I saw when the marriage initially went as I feel that this has set me back a little and my kids need me to be together and strong... On the upside tho my daughter has settled in really well and is very happy, we have had a lovely Christmas.
Happy New Year to everyone, hopefully 2013 will be better....
Quick update: Thanks for your kind words and support. Court is on going, we are in front of the judge for the 3rd time on this issue at the end of the month. Judge initially pretty much took his side but when she heard my side she was pretty decent and told us to go for mediation, that she does not want to make the decision. I am happy to do so as we have many years of parenting and I want the best for the kids. Both ex and I have registered with family mediation service, but he declined 1st session offered... so will have to wait and see. It has been a horrible and stressful time for me and the kids, I get his concern but the way he goes about things is so irrational and self centred... Am thinking of going to the counsellor I saw when the marriage initially went as I feel that this has set me back a little and my kids need me to be together and strong... On the upside though my daughter has settled in really well and is very happy, we have had a lovely Christmas. Happy New Year everyone x

MintyMagnum

How's it going OP?

LegacyUser

Hi Minty Magnum, gosh I'd forgotten about that post! Things are great, my daughter has thrived in the new school and is one happy little lady!. She's going into 6th class now, and I am so proud of her, she's one of the best in her class and very well adjusted..
It ended up in court and mediation many times, It was a long drawn out battle. But what was best for my little girl won out in the end. He lost interest eventually and after many more texts and mind games, I'd like to think he eventually realised that our daughter was finally happy.
But I will say the whole process was so stressful and even now I still maintain it was more about ex putting me in my place, than about the welfare of our daughter, sad and all as that sounds.
My solr. was amazing, and didn't charge me for what he said was a legal farce. The relationship between my ex my children is much the same, although they are older now and are very aware of who he is in their lives.
I will never bad mouth my kids Dad to them (very difficult at times), I suppose throughout all of this I see his limitations.. of which there are are many.
I am empowered by the whole experience and am more of a fierce momma bear, and less of a push over. And I suppose we all learned a real life lessen in this, my children and I will not be bullied again, by teachers, peers, even family members, and bullies when challenged won't win.....
Thanks for checking in, hope things are o.k for you?..

the_syco

Wow! What a spineless **** the ex is. Well done on what you've accomplished

January

MintyMagnum wrote: »

How's it going OP?

Mod Note: Please do not bump up three year old threads asking for an update in future. It's great the OP was still around and wanted to give an update but people should not feel obliged to update threads they started years ago.