We are drifting apart!!

isabelle1176

Is it normal for a relationship to break down because of his parents??Is it normal for grandparents not to come and visit their granddaughter?
The very thought of this leaves me feeling rather down at times, it comes and goes, like a stubborn moschito...
My partner's parents (from Limerick) will not come to visit their 7 month old granddaughter in Dublin....is this normal?
My partner is defending his parents by saying that they are not the travelling type. And yet, his parents travelled to Dublin in quite a few occasions,they travelled to Australia and more recently to UK's East End (his mother), without giving a thought to their granddaughter.
I am having big arguments with my partner because of his parents. Of course i want him to be close and respectful towards them and to help them as much as he can, but his parents (his mother) is pulling us apart. Each weekend he goes down the country to see his parents and during the week he works from 6am until 6-7pm or so. Imagine how much time he spends with his own family (me and our baby)! When he is not down the country, he spends at least 30 min a day on the phone with his mother, telling her everything that is happening between us! His mother advised him on numerous occasions to walk away (from me and our baby)! I do not go to the pubs and clubs, i do not go after other men, i am reasonably good looking and well mannered, i do care for our baby and go to work every day, as well as doing household duties. All he does is to sit with the baby for 1 or 2 hours in the evenings, 3 times a week! The rest of the time is dedicated to work and his parents.
He said that i should take the baby and go down the country with him on weekends. But he doesnt think that the baby is just 7 months old and not able for long distance travel, plus his parents never helped with anything, the grandfather never took the baby in his arms!, while the mother doesnt care! Why should i go to them, when i feel unwanted? Why dont they come to see their granddaughter, if they care so much, as they claim?? We reached rock bottom and i want to hear other people's opinion on the matter, am i being unreasonable???

rainbowtrout

Well first off, I would say grandparents are not obliged to visit. They have a grandchild but may not think the relationship is as special as you think it should be.


I don't think that's your main problem though. Your problem is your husband, you have a new baby. You and the baby should be his main priority and not travelling down to Limerick to see his parents at weekends and spending time on the phone to his mother every day. What are his priorities? Do they (or more likely his mother) control him, or has he never learned to cut the apron strings? Plenty of people are close to their families but recognise the need to put their spouse and child first once they get married.

As it stands it sounds like your husband spends more time interacting with his mother than with you and his child. That's not the way it should be.

Also why is your husband telling his mother everything about your lives. They don't need to know. There are three people in your marriage by the sounds of it and your mother in law wants you out of it. That is a far bigger problem than their lack of visits.

isabelle1176

Dear Rainbowtrout, thank you for your reply.
While i do acknowledge that the visiting thing is not the greatest issue here, it has been brought to my attention by my beloved partner that i should make an effort and go down the country, because his mother is aching to see her granddaughter!! What a lie!! If she was aching so much to see her, why didnt she stop at our house for 10 min while shopping for outfits in Dublin??
We are not married, because his mother told me that by having this child he messed up his life (he is a 36.5 year old man and a doctor) and that men can marry when they are in their 50's and have children then! The cheek of her!! And so, he follows his mother's advice ad literam! He said he doesnt, but his actions are stronger than words...
His mother will never rest until we are going on separate ways, until my little girl will be without a father! We do love each other and all was fine until his mother heard i got pregnant. Her first words at the news were: "Who is the father??". Like she didnt know that we were in a relationship! At 76 years of age she should have known better..... He said he loves me and that he cares for us, but i think he is sacrificing his little family for her sake. It is all so very sad.....I do not want him to forget about his parents or anything like that, but to have some consideration for us too... Every time i say something, he is accusing me of trying to pull him apart from his family. He does not see what is happening to us.....

hoodwinked

some grandparents are just odd, our daughter has polar opposite grandparents, one set are the hands on, tickle her, play with her, babysit her, spoil her rotten with attention type, the others (my husbands) are happy seeing her once for an hour every few months,


i like you took it personally at first that they weren't good with her, but ive come to accept it and now she sees them once in a blue moon (and we supervise visits for safety reasons and because our daughter doesn't really know them)

i agree with the others, the fact he gives so much time and weight to his mother and her opinions is more worrying than them not seeing their grandchild,

he really should have you two as his priority especially with his time!

rainbowtrout

isabelle1176 wrote: »

Dear Rainbowtrout, thank you for your reply.
While i do acknowledge that the visiting thing is not the greatest issue here, it has been brought to my attention by my beloved partner that i should make an effort and go down the country, because his mother is aching to see her granddaughter!! What a lie!! If she was aching so much to see her, why didnt she stop at our house for 10 min while shopping for outfits in Dublin??
We are not married, because his mother told me that by having this child he messed up his life (he is a 36.5 year old man and a doctor) and that men can marry when they are in their 50's and have children then! The cheek of her!! And so, he follows his mother's advice ad literam! He said he doesnt, but his actions are stronger than words...
His mother will never rest until we are going on separate ways, until my little girl will be without a father! We do love each other and all was fine until his mother heard i got pregnant. Her first words at the news were: "Who is the father??". Like she didnt know that we were in a relationship! At 76 years of age she should have known better..... He said he loves me and that he cares for us, but i think he is sacrificing his little family for her sake. It is all so very sad.....I do not want him to forget about his parents or anything like that, but to have some consideration for us too... Every time i say something, he is accusing me of trying to pull him apart from his family. He does not see what is happening to us.....

I'd say forget about the grandmother for now, you can always come to a compromise where you are willing to visit them one weekend in the month, or every six weeks or something like that. It still comes back to: why does your partner (wrongly assumed husband earlier - apologies) need to see them every weekend? This is time he should be spending with you and your child. I don't have children, but when I see friends who have children and the couples love to have time to spend with their child at the weekend. But your partner prefers to give up that time to spend it with his mother...

As for the mother making a comment like that about you: she sounds like spiteful bitch.

isabelle1176

Well, this is my point too....he is not able to think for himself, to do nothing for us, until he has his mother's blessing.
I am not worried that his parents dont come to visit my daughter, when she will be big enough, she will learn the truth. I am worried that he lets himself to be patronized by his mother and this is affecting our relationship big time. I truly think that he will chose her over us, which is very unfortunate...I have nothing against her, if she minds her own business and doesnt advise him to walk away cos life is too short...

isabelle1176

Well, they have a farm down the country. His parents have about 70 cattle and my partner only 5 cattle. My partner goes down the country to seemingly help with the cattle and stuff. All the profit from the cattle goes to his parents, my partner doesnt see a cent from all that. So they have no mortgage, they go socialising every week, they have 400 euro a month from my partner, they both have pensions, they travel (his mother does),etc.
Most of the time, my partner is using the farm as an excuse to go down the country. He said he hates Dublin, so he goes down the country to unwind after a weeks work. But what about me?? What about our daughter?? How do we unwind?? It makes me sick all this...

Daisy M

I am sorry to have to say this but in my opinion you have 4 choices.
Either you issue your partner with an ultimatum and accept his choice.
You put up with the way he is and accept he won't change,
You walk away or finally you change your behaviour in order to encourage him to change his, to do this you need to compromise. Agree to visit your inlaws at least once a month and ask your partner to spend at least half his weekends at home with you and your little one. Stop mentioning that his parents don't visit, let it go, why bring visits on yourself from people you don't like? Quit complaining about them, at the moment your home life is full of tension while his mother makes sure he is welcomed home with open arms and has a sympathetic ear at all times.

Your partner sounds like a right mammys boy if things don't change soon I doubt they ever will.

LegacyUser

Next weekend I would go to Limerick with the child and your partner. I would then in front of the mother and the whole family tell your partner he will no longer being going home each weekend to her. I would also tell him that you are not gong to be left each weekend with a small baby when he runs back to Mammy.
Tell her also at 76 years of age she had no right in asking your son who is the father when she heard your were pregnant.
I would tell this old bag that you will be going to Mass on Sunday and you are looking forward to meeting everyone with the baby and you cant wait to have a chat with them. I am sure they hardly know about you and she won't want to be the talk of the parish.
I would also let her know that what is happening in you and your partners life is none of her business. I would then ask her how much money she has in her bank account and start look in the drawers for her personal information. Tell her since you know so much about our business I should know about yours.
This is the only way to deal with an old bitch like this.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters, this is less about his folks and more about his relationship with you!

He seems to spend very little time nurturing your relationship and isn't a part of his daughter's life at all? Has he ever suggested bringing her with him on his weekends away? This would give you a break and satisfy the grandparents needs.

You really need to get him to sit down with you and speak about this rationally. He seems far too connected with them- he is a grown man yet spends weekends with them, lengthy calls revealing personal info, allows them to keep his profits from the cattle and allows them to speak negatively of you.

To be honest, I don't know how you haven't exploded sooner.

Taltos

OP - please stop kidding yourself here.
This is not about her - it is all about him...

I cannot say it better than above - either accept him for the "man" he is and all that entails, let go of the stress and the blame or do something to change it and him.

I mean he needs to wake up here - he is a father and he needs to start acting like one. You don't need the extra stress of trying to mother him too - so give him a choice - either grow up and you both come to a compromise in terms of weekend visits or you will help him pack his bags.

isabelle1176

Daisy, thank you for your post.
I have tried to reach a compromise, before things went this bad. I offered to go down the country every two weeks with him, but he did not agree. It's his way or no way!
I offered not to talk about his parents at all, but then he kept going to his car or for a drive to talk to his mom for 30 min or more, without asking me if i need help with anything around the house or with the baby.
Trust me, i dont like talking about his parents,but when he comes home and says that i should mix with his family regardless of the fact that they think very little of me (as proved), the parents issue creeps up all the time, as i see it at the root of what is happening to us right now. It is my fault for nagging and bringing the parents issue on the spot most of the time, but i see he is not making any effort for our relationship to work. All he is saying is that "I want us to be happy". When i am asking him what does he do for us to be happy, he just doesnt say anything at all. He is saying his mother wants him to be happy, which i believe ( because all mothers want their children to be happy) and if so, why is she not advising him to have an open conversation with me and straighten things up, rather than to tell him to take the easy way out and exit the scene??
I tried talking to him, but it is like talking to a wall or to myself. He is saying nothing else apart from "you are taking the things the wrong way (which i know i dont) and i want us to be happy, not to fight anymore, without actually telling me what is he going to do to achieve this. Other than that total silence, he exits the room leaving me frustrated for not being able to communicate with him.
Now we are seeing a relationship counselor, the 1st session was just me and him fighting for 1 hour in front of a stranger and paying 80 euro for this!!! Total laughing matter!! If we dont reach a compromise soon, i am afraid my daughter is going to grow up without a father....

isabelle1176

Thank you all for your replies, most appreciated..

ElleEm

isabelle1176 wrote: »

Daisy, thank you for your post.
I have tried to reach a compromise, before things went this bad. I offered to go down the country every two weeks with him, but he did not agree. It's his way or no way!
I offered not to talk about his parents at all, but then he kept going to his car or for a drive to talk to his mom for 30 min or more, without asking me if i need help with anything around the house or with the baby.
Trust me, i dont like talking about his parents,but when he comes home and says that i should mix with his family regardless of the fact that they think very little of me (as proved), the parents issue creeps up all the time, as i see it at the root of what is happening to us right now. It is my fault for nagging and bringing the parents issue on the spot most of the time, but i see he is not making any effort for our relationship to work. All he is saying is that "I want us to be happy". When i am asking him what does he do for us to be happy, he just doesnt say anything at all. He is saying his mother wants him to be happy, which i believe ( because all mothers want their children to be happy) and if so, why is she not advising him to have an open conversation with me and straighten things up, rather than to tell him to take the easy way out and exit the scene??
I tried talking to him, but it is like talking to a wall or to myself. He is saying nothing else apart from "you are taking the things the wrong way (which i know i dont) and i want us to be happy, not to fight anymore, without actually telling me what is he going to do to achieve this. Other than that total silence, he exits the room leaving me frustrated for not being able to communicate with him.
Now we are seeing a relationship counselor, the 1st session was just me and him fighting for 1 hour in front of a stranger and paying 80 euro for this!!! Total laughing matter!! If we dont reach a compromise soon, i am afraid my daughter is going to grow up without a father....

At least you are both committed to seeing a counsellor. Things will almost always get worse before they get better (especially when it involves counselling). Give it time. He is clearly very immature, so it will take time for him to address the things you are saying to him.

Next time you are with the counsellor, tell him/ her that you would like to focus on communication. You and your partner obviously have to get better at that, so if it means one of you having the "stage" in a conversation for a minute at a time with silence from the other, or communicating through letters, something HAS to change.

Does he realise how close the relationship is at coming to an end?

daisybelle2008

OP, have you considered that you and your partner might just be incompatible? If counselling is descending to screaming matches and he seems to actively want to spend as little time with you as possible, maybe you are not well suited. Ye both seem very unhappy in the relationship, but deluding yourself that it is his parents fault and using your daughter as an excuse to stay around and be miserable. This might sound harsh but be truly honest with yourself, if it wasn't his parents would it be somewhere or someone else he'd be running off to. Ye just don't seem a good match for each other. This is going to effect your well being negatively.

isabelle1176

We were very compatible and well suited untill I got pregnant and his family found out. I was recently told by him that his family didn't like me and they warned him over me but he also told me that despite of what they said,he still wanted to be with me.When we are away,in another country for his courses,we have no issues and we love each others company.The moment he comes home and starts talking to his mother things go bad. I don't need to use his family as an excuse to end this,so,the point is redundant.

daisybelle2008

Well if you and his family can't accept each other and he is not going to take sides, then to move forward one party has to give in. It does not look like his mother is going to change at her age. So you might have to just do a charm offensive and start going down there with an open mind and make a effort to ingratiate yourself, if you want this to work. He is not going to choose so you may have to accept and embrace the package if you want to persist in a relationship with him and have a peaceful life. You have an idealised vision of a small family separate from his limerick family, but he doesn't seem to want that as much as you?

Is he going to end up taking over the farm from his parents? That may be where ye will be based. Out of interest why is he not happy with you going down every two weeks, that seems fair on your part? It sucks for you OP but I am not sure you realised how much of a mummy's boy he was at the beginning. I don't think those mummy's boys change at least not until mummy dies which could be a head wrecking number of years off.

isabelle1176

Thank you Daisybelle, much appreciated.He keeps telling me to turn my cheek, but each time i turn my cheek, i get slapped lol!
I didnt realise at the time that he was momma's boy, until we got together with his family for his sister's wedding. By that time it was already too late, as i was pregnant.

She did everything for him, he doesnt know anything about the real worldand despite his high academic studies and his profession, he still lives in cukoo land. She keeps his bank records (i dont have a clue how much money he has), she is paying his bills (credit card, insurance,etc) from his own money, of course. She smothered him and made him the man he is now: useless without her!
I agree that something's gotta give. I am alone here in this country, with no one to turn to but my sister and even so, i shall never let someone take advantage of me. I am much more independednt than he'll ever be, i have my own house and my job and i ask nothing of him but to be beside us. He is torn to bits by the fact that he has to chose, i really feel for him....but he should wake up and face his responsibilities as a father and partner. He didnt agree with me going there down the country twice a month, because he wanted to drag me there every single weekend!! Oh well... time will tell what is going to happen...

pwurple

isabelle1176 wrote: »

When i gave birth to our daughter, do you want to know what he brought me?? A magazine!!! No thank you, no flowers, no thing! I felt so down, like never in my life! Okay, maybe he didnt know that he should give me a little something to show his appreciation, but why his mother or anyone from his family didnt point him in the right direction?

Never heard of this before. What did you want here... a gift of some kind? A tradition I'm not familiar with anyway.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that his mum may never like you. The sun shines out of her doctor son's bum, and you will always be the woman who 'trapped' him with a pregnancy. So forget about making her like you. That just will not happen. Polite distance is the best you can hope for here.

Also, a baby at 7 months old is stressful in any relationship, married and committed, or not. Take that into account before you start threatening him with leaving. Time for the baby to grow a bit may help relieve some stress between you. He may take more interest when the baby starts speaking and walking.

Dublin to Limerick is a 2 hour drive. If you set off when the baby is starting their nap most of it will pass while they sleep. Stay overnight and do the same the next day on the way home. It is possible with some planning.

pache

Some day in the not too distant future when his mammy isnt around anymore and he has a beautyful daughter that doesnt know him or have anyting in common with him then he will realise,inside,what he missed,cos in the blink of an eye she will have grown up......and he will not get a second chance to be a part of her childhood.I hope he can see the error of his ways soon and not looking back over 20 years of photos of him not in them......dont think twud be the same to photoshop himself into them!!!!.

I know i dont know your suitutation with the mother in law and your self but not doting over her own flesh and blood???.She must be one cold hearted bi*ch.

Best of luck op,hope everyting works out ok and dont forget thru all thats going on your daughter is the most important person of all!!

rainbowtrout

isabelle1176 wrote: »

She did everything for him, he doesnt know anything about the real worldand despite his high academic studies and his profession, he still lives in cukoo land. She keeps his bank records (i dont have a clue how much money he has), she is paying his bills (credit card, insurance,etc) from his own money, of course. She smothered him and made him the man he is now: useless without her!


I am much more independent than he'll ever be, i have my own house and my job and i ask nothing of him but to be beside us. He is torn to bits by the fact that he has to chose,

Ah here..... what kind of a grown man still has his mother running his financial affairs for him??? He doesn't even have to tell her what's going on in his life, she is running his life for him. I couldn't personally cope with a man like that, I'm sure you love him OP, but you must also have a lot of patience.


Just that other comment, he doesn't have to choose. It's not a them or us situation. His mother is not going to cut off contact if he chooses to only visit once a month because he is spending time with you and the baby. He needs to prioritise what is important and that involves choosing to spend more time with his new family and less time with his old one. He needs to stand up for you against his family when they are slagging you off and he needs to stop telling his mother everything about his life. He also needs to take back all of his money and access to his bills, accounts etc. As long as he continues to behave like a baby his mother will continue to treat him like one.

daisybelle2008

isabelle1176 wrote: »

I agree that something's gotta give. I am alone here in this country, ...

OP it won't be easy but if you can maybe try to get on board with her. Go down for the weekends and be extra nice to her. It can be surprising how people change in front of your eyes when you do that. Try to get the best out of the situation. With her onside she could be a big asset to you and your partner. I know it is hard to visualise that right now but maybe go down, hand her the baby and let her support and help and give you and your partner a chance to put your feet up together at times.
Try to see the positive in her and have some fun with her. She seems to be someone that will do an awful lot for you if you are onside with her!

Ye haven't really got a chance to know each other and the shackles are up on both sides. But it does sound like you could break through. I am sure if she got to know you, she would really like you and you could like her! Stranger things have happened. Put behind what has been said and done and go down there with an open friendly disposition (which I don't doubt you can, I'd say you'd be well able to do this), it will be very hard for things not to improve. You might end up looking forward to going down there every weekend, don't rule anything out!!!

hoodwinked

pwurple wrote: »

Never heard of this before. What did you want here... a gift of some kind? A tradition I'm not familiar with anyway.

it is normally a tradition for the father to bring the mother some kind of gift after labor especially if they are in a relationship,


my husband didn't get me a gift but only because he was with me the entire time, from when we went in until i had a good sleep after (he minded the baby)

OP i have to say it does seem you are drifting apart but does your boyfriend actually want to stay in Dublin with you?

curlzy

pwurple wrote: »

Never heard of this before. What did you want here... a gift of some kind? A tradition I'm not familiar with anyway.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that his mum may never like you. The sun shines out of her doctor son's bum, and you will always be the woman who 'trapped' him with a pregnancy. So forget about making her like you. That just will not happen. Polite distance is the best you can hope for here.

Also, a baby at 7 months old is stressful in any relationship, married and committed, or not. Take that into account before you start threatening him with leaving. Time for the baby to grow a bit may help relieve some stress between you. He may take more interest when the baby starts speaking and walking.

Dublin to Limerick is a 2 hour drive. If you set off when the baby is starting their nap most of it will pass while they sleep. Stay overnight and do the same the next day on the way home. It is possible with some planning.

Yes it is usual for a man to get his woman a nice present when she's after going through the horrific pain of pushing his baby through her pelvis .
OP, please don't bend over any more than you have. From what you're saying you've done enough and Mr Mammy's Man-boy is completely useless. You say you have money and a good job. I couldn't be in a relationship like this. If I were you, I get a solicitor and get maintenance and access rights put in place. Then I'd write him a very long and detailed letter about why this has happned and tell him if he ever wants to be a functional adult he should go to counselling with that letter and go through it point by point. I really wouldn't hang round waiting for him to grow up, you've waited long enough.

Gerry T

Not so sure about telling him to shove off, relationships are difficult and can seem from the outside to be crazy. A 35 yr old having his parents manage his money fits that bill, but it is what it is. Obviously you have something with this man or you wouldn't have slept or had a baby with him. If your baby has a routine, say sleeping from 6 to 10pm why not cook a meal for you and your partner and tell him what your telling us, but try not to get emotional, tell him you need help with the baby, that you want him to be with his family at weekends, that decisions on anything need to be discussed and agreed between you two only and not his mother. For example travelling etc... give a little, compromise on one or two things but expect that you get the same back in return. Ask him does he not think it strange that every weekend he travels while no other couple does this. If its the cows that are getting in the way ask are they more important than you and his child, he can sell them ( the cows !) and buy more when the child has grown up. If his parents can't manage their farm then he should say he has a family and they need him, so let the grandparents manage their lives. Hope this helps you, but you need to talk.

Daisy M

I mean this to be helpful not critical but it is coming across to me as though your partner is not able to think/function for himself outside work. I find this hard to understand as he is a doctor so obviously but something has held him back from developing responsibility for the running of his everyday life. Do you think this problem stems from his personality and that he is the type of person who always needs someone else to make decisions and take responsibility for him? Lots of people have parents who try and control and influence their lives but they don't allow their parents to do this, a well rounded adult takes responsibility for themselves, your partner sounds unsure, easily controlled and manipulative. The person he manipulates is you he wants you to conform and change and live the life that makes him and his family happy with no regard for your feelings.

I know he is your childs father, but I can't understand how you could love someone who respects both of you so little. Would you like to see your daughter ending up in the same type of relationship? I doubt it and if it wouldn't be good enough for her, why would is it good enough for you?

isabelle1176

Dear All,

Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated. I shall try and do my best to make it work, but again, time will tell.
I am closing now this thread not before wishing you all the very best of everything. Thank you