Still in love with ex girlfriend...

Kaipa

Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years - within that time we had lived together at my parents for about 6/7 months and together in our own place in England for a bit less than a year. I'd like to point out there is an age difference of 10 years, I'm 25 and she's 35. Within the relationship we had a lot of issues involving things such as me prioritising my music career over us, work stress, lack of sex (due to me having issues) and other things that made her feel like she was 2nd best. We broke up a few times within the 3 year period but aways got back together because we both said how much we loved each other and that we were meant to be. After living together she moved back to Finland due to me saying I can't be in a relationship at this point in my life, I loved her but I didn't feel it was fair on her because of how I was. She moved back to Finland and found a better job. We were still in contact everyday and decided we were still going to make it work someway - I regretted so much sending her back home but at the time it felt it was the only thing I could do as we were both unhappy. The last time my ex broke up from me was around 6 months ago. I knew she was confused and still deep down loved me as she showed so many signs after the breakup she regretted it and missed me - I actually flew all the way to Finland to surprise her and show how much I loved her and that she was the most important thing to me in the world. Things looked so much better after that - I was planning to move to Finland to be with her.

A few months ago she ended the relationship again almost out of the blue, only 1 month after being together on a wonderful holiday in Budapest. I honestly wasn't expecting it even I knew we'd had issues in the past that still clearly shadowed over us (more so her). She said how she still cares for me but doesn't love me passionately in the same way she used to. She doesn't love me in "that" way anymore. Obviously this broke my heart and for a few weeks I lost all self respect and dignity.. tried contacting her constantly begging for her to re-consider. But then all that seemed to do was push her away further and further. I found out a couple of weeks after the breakup she had developed feelings for another guy in Finland but I didn't ask any further questions, I assumed this was a rebound relationship but didn't want to know anymore as it was too hurtful. I know have a feeling that didn't work as I don't think she'd be telling me she's unhappy and stressed if things were going well with him (or even be contacting me). She's due to move to another city in the next couple of weeks starting a new job too.

I've been getting messages from my ex recently after going no contact - she says how much she misses me, worries about me etc. She hasn't once said she still loves me which makes me think she just misses my company and nothing more. I still love her deeply and in truth if she did says he loved me back I would re-consider getting back together. However I have made it clear to her I can't carry on talking just as friends, it hurts me too much knowing it goes no-where as my feelings are still so deep. I have told her that I love her so much I must set her free, if she doesn't find me desirable then I can't keep a hold of her. She know's I still love her so I refer back to the quote "If you love someone set them free, if they love you back they will come back and it was meant to be"...

I've been rarely in contact with for almost 2 months now, however on Tuesday I called her to wish her happy birthday. I got very emotional and spilled out how much I've been missing her, how hard this all has been for me and how I can't move on. I felt terribly guilty after as I feel like now I've just confirmed to her that it was a good decision to end the relationship. She cried too and said how she missed me - but that was all.

I have read up so much since breaking up on no contact etc but it's still months down the line and I'm still as heartbroken as before. Am I doing the right thing.. could someone please give me some advice?

curlzy

I think you're best off cutting contact, for realsies though. It sounds like an immature, damaged and dysfunctional mess. Do you enjoy drama? Sorry if that's hurtful but I can't figure out why 2 people who love each other deeply could have the type of relationship you describe, especially a 25 and 35 year old, unless they LOVE the drama of it. It sounds like teenage angsty stuff, not a grown up relationship.

From what you're saying it's well over now but you're both flogging the dead horse. If you really want to get over it and move on then follow the usual break up rules:

1) Cut contact 100%
2) Surround yourself with friends/family
3) Hit the gym/do exercise
4) Sleep and eat properly
5) Invest your time in your hobbies or find new ones

Sorry if that isn't helpful, but I don't think there's anyway around this, you're just gonna have to go through it and roll with the punches. You will come out the other side, but you defo have to cut contact 100%

Best of luck.

Kaipa

There's obviously a lot more detail than just what I wrote but it's hard to summarise an entire relationship in a few paragraphs so this is why it may come across as quite simplistic and naive sounding.

I feel that no matter how long I go without being in contact I will still never get over her...

I've recently been suspended from work which looks like I'm possibly going to get sacked next week. I spoke to her yesterday and told her this, of course she was really upset and worried. We keep texting throughout the day and in the evening I just had to tell her I can't carry on being in contact as it's hurting me too much... she was upset because she said it felt like I only contact her when I need something. I don't want her to feel like this... I've tried SO hard not to contact her for so long, she just thinks I've been keeping myself busy and only start contacting her when I need her. I now feel bad for even telling her

SineadMarie

Your not getting over her cos your still in contact and there is still that hope that you'll get back together. It sounds a bit messy to me i think the best thing you can do now is get on with your life and let her get on with hers. Maybe in time you can be friends but its too raw now. You need time to grieve the lost of your relationship and you can't do that if your still in contact. 100% cut contact, keep busy only way you'll feel better. Trust me i've been there!

Taltos

OP - I know you probably feel no one can really understand what has gone on between the two of you and you have to realise we only have your written word to go on here. But step back a moment and ask yourself one question "is continuing as you are healthy for you?"

You have to be brutal and final here.
1. STOP all contact, delete from facebook, from your mobile - everything.
2. Follow the rest of the advice from Curlzy - gym / friends etc.
3. Consider speaking to someone - in a way what you are experiencing is the death of a relationship, almost a bereavement. I know this sounds melodramatic and over the top but in a very real sense you have lost a love and a friend.
4. Maybe consider keeping a diary as well or a way to get those thoughts out of your head.

Finally - don't give in again - each time you get in contact or she gets in touch with you - well you are going to be set right back to square one and the path ahead will seem insurmountable.

Flutterby80

Hi I just want to say that I really feel for you and while its easy to say that you will cut contact and try to move on its so hard. I'm in a very similar situation myself at the moment, my boyfriend walked out on me very suddenly after 4 years together and I've been going through hell . Everyone has an opinion and something to say on the subject (I know it's only because they care) but at the end of the day your the one who's going through it and your the one who has to try and go to sleep on your own every night. So....no words of wisdom from me and no advice because I can't even make myself feel better at the moment but just try and take it day by day and hopefully you will start to feel stronger and more positive soon.

Fantacoke

Kaipa wrote: »

Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years - within that time we had lived together at my parents for about 6/7 months and together in our own place in England for a bit less than a year. I'd like to point out there is an age difference of 10 years, I'm 25 and she's 35. Within the relationship we had a lot of issues involving things such as me prioritising my music career over us, work stress, lack of sex (due to me having issues) and other things that made her feel like she was 2nd best. We broke up a few times within the 3 year period but aways got back together because we both said how much we loved each other and that we were meant to be. After living together she moved back to Finland due to me saying I can't be in a relationship at this point in my life, I loved her but I didn't feel it was fair on her because of how I was. She moved back to Finland and found a better job. We were still in contact everyday and decided we were still going to make it work someway - I regretted so much sending her back home but at the time it felt it was the only thing I could do as we were both unhappy. The last time my ex broke up from me was around 6 months ago. I knew she was confused and still deep down loved me as she showed so many signs after the breakup she regretted it and missed me - I actually flew all the way to Finland to surprise her and show how much I loved her and that she was the most important thing to me in the world. Things looked so much better after that - I was planning to move to Finland to be with her.

A few months ago she ended the relationship again almost out of the blue, only 1 month after being together on a wonderful holiday in Budapest. I honestly wasn't expecting it even I knew we'd had issues in the past that still clearly shadowed over us (more so her). She said how she still cares for me but doesn't love me passionately in the same way she used to. She doesn't love me in "that" way anymore. Obviously this broke my heart and for a few weeks I lost all self respect and dignity.. tried contacting her constantly begging for her to re-consider. But then all that seemed to do was push her away further and further. I found out a couple of weeks after the breakup she had developed feelings for another guy in Finland but I didn't ask any further questions, I assumed this was a rebound relationship but didn't want to know anymore as it was too hurtful. I know have a feeling that didn't work as I don't think she'd be telling me she's unhappy and stressed if things were going well with him (or even be contacting me). She's due to move to another city in the next couple of weeks starting a new job too.

I've been getting messages from my ex recently after going no contact - she says how much she misses me, worries about me etc. She hasn't once said she still loves me which makes me think she just misses my company and nothing more. I still love her deeply and in truth if she did says he loved me back I would re-consider getting back together. However I have made it clear to her I can't carry on talking just as friends, it hurts me too much knowing it goes no-where as my feelings are still so deep. I have told her that I love her so much I must set her free, if she doesn't find me desirable then I can't keep a hold of her. She know's I still love her so I refer back to the quote "If you love someone set them free, if they love you back they will come back and it was meant to be"...

I've been rarely in contact with for almost 2 months now, however on Tuesday I called her to wish her happy birthday. I got very emotional and spilled out how much I've been missing her, how hard this all has been for me and how I can't move on. I felt terribly guilty after as I feel like now I've just confirmed to her that it was a good decision to end the relationship. She cried too and said how she missed me - but that was all.

I have read up so much since breaking up on no contact etc but it's still months down the line and I'm still as heartbroken as before. Am I doing the right thing.. could someone please give me some advice?

First off you are a man. I'd hazard a guess the advice to "cut all contact" is coming from women.?

Don't.

Don't cut all contact.
Keep on with your life.
Keep in touch.
Let her know you still have feelings for her.
Get back on track at work and show her you are "perfectly fine".
Live your life and let her see you are strong.
If as you say she loved you as much as you think she will see what she's missing.
Don't be used. As in don't be a shoulder for her to cry on. Pull away from that. But be strong, happy and focused.
In other words be the man she fell in love with.
Then if you really want her...go and get her.
Be decisive about it.
Make up your mind that this is going to work out and that she will be with you.
And oh yeah, when the time comes, copper fasten it with a wedding ring.....if you really love her and want her for good.
Best of luck

Kaipa

I may not of mentioned fully why she ended the relationship which is something important to factor into this whole situation. There were times when I breeched her trust in me, things such as when she moved to England to be with me, after a short period of time I said I couldn't cope and wanted her to move back (due to my depression). Situations where I chose my band over being with her or not inviting her to be a part of it when gigging etc. got caught flirting with girls online twice and other stuff. This over time made her level of trust in me weaken even she still loved me dearly - and I could still feel she loved me. But her reason now even it came out of the blue for ME was that she doesn't love me in the "romantic" sense anymore. She sees me as a really close friend who she cares about a lot but she doesn't see me in the special way anymore. I know being in a long distance relationship and not seeing each other for so long affects a lot since there's no intimacy, only words. But even while we were together we weren't as sexually active as most people and towards the end we didn't even have sex due to me having physical/mental issues. I still want to be with her so much, I would do anything but at the same time I know I have done everything I could at this particular point and it's all down to her now. I guess there's arguments for NC either way but for me personally, I don't feel it's good for my mental health being in contact with her and I have told her this... the pain is just too much.

She knows I still have feelings for her, and it doesn't matter how much I try and show it it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. I'm almost positive if we were to see eachother in person she'd realise just what she's lost but the reality of that happening anytime soon is unlikely - and I can't afford to surprise her again as it's not fair on her... she needs to make her own decisions without me forcing them upon her

Fantacoke

Kaipa wrote: »

I may not of mentioned fully why she ended the relationship which is something important to factor into this whole situation. There were times when I breeched her trust in me, things such as when she moved to England to be with me, after a short period of time I said I couldn't cope and wanted her to move back (due to my depression). Situations were I choose to play with my band over being with her or not inviting her to be a part of it etc. and other stuff. This over time made her level of trust in me weaken even she still loved me dearly - and I could still feel she loved me. But her reason now even it came out of the blue for ME was that she doesn't love me in the "romantic" sense anymore. She sees me as a really close friend who she cares about a lot but she doesn't see me in the special way anymore. I know being in a long distance relationship and not seeing each other for so long affects a lot since there's no intimacy, only words. But even while we were together we weren't as sexually active as most people and towards the end we didn't even have sex due to me having physical/mental issues. I still want to be with her so much, I would do anything but at the same time I know I have done everything I could at this particular point and it's all down to her now. I guess there's arguments for NC either way but for me personally, I don't feel it's good for my mental health being in contact with her and I have told her this... the pain is just too much.

She knows I still have feelings for her, and it doesn't matter how much I try and show it it feels like banging my head against a brick wall. I'm almost positive if we were to see eachother in person she'd realise just what she's lost but the reality of that happening anytime soon is unlikely - and I can't afford to surprise her again as it's not fair on her... she needs to make her own decisions without me forcing them upon her

Ok. There's a few things here to look at. It's not all down to her. If you really want this then you need to work on you.
First deal with your depression. You need to seriously address it and get it sorted out..medication...the right one...can and does work.
Second...It strikes me that she has been disappointed by you in the past and is thinking that things won't change?
Focussing on yourself at her expense may have damaged the relationship in the past but that can be fixed...by you and only you. By focussing on her and involving her as a friend you get to show her you've changed. Then in time if you really mean it and live the change things will work back around and live will hopefully spring anew,
Third...women sometimes wax and wane romantically speaking. It didn't mean she loves someone else. She clearly still cares about you. If she loved you before then she can again.
I hope things will work out for you?
Don't think that there is no hope.
Look at working on yourself for a while and don't be too hard on yourself.

Kaipa

I know I have to work on myself - and that's what I'm doing right now. However whenever I hear from her I collapse and feel so weak. It's such a bitter sweet feeling because I want to be there for her, want to know everything that's going on in her life... but the more I know the more it breaks my heart knowing I'm not with her. I want to be a part of her life but at the same time I almost feel I can't be because I'd just be fooling myself into thinking there's a chance with her somewhere down the line. We've split up so many times before but I have a feeling this is it now - she's clearly stated she doesn't love me anymore in the same way...

I have told her a few times that I have to cut the contact in order to show her respect - that I love her so much that I have to let her go. I know she's upset because of this, she doesn't want me to cut the contact because she misses me and has told me so. This is where I'm confused because I want to be in contact with her, but if I do what she wants I only end up hurting myself in the long run... literally telling her I have to cut the contact feels like stabbing myself in the heart, but I see no other way?

Taltos

OP - she is only staying in contact to ease her own guilt.
Maybe she is fooling herself into thinking it is for you - but it is ALL for her.

Look - send a final mail or whatever and tell her that as of now - right this minute for your own peace of mind and well being you never ever ever want to hear from her again. You have blocked her number and wish her all the best.

Seriously - you have to do this - you need a complete and final break. Just don't ever go back there.

kiffer

Even if you dont cut off all contact you have to cut down... and move on.
Have you had any dates or encounters with other women since you two split?
She's moved on and moved you from romantic love to platonic love and you're going to have put her aside for a while anf move on.
Tell her you'll miss her but you can't talk for awhile untill your in the same emotional state as her.
She be sad about this, she'll miss you and the emotional support you provide but she has other sources for that and generally men only have their wives or girlfriends... Move on, have a NSTA rebound fling or two.
Easier said than done.
The options are:
Carry on as you are, go mad.
Cut contact, mope and go mad.
Change the way and amount of contact and Change what you do, Go out and meet some new people and work on moving on.

Kaipa

But the problem is I don't want to erase her completely from my life... so I can't just say I never want to hear from her again. I have already sent her a couple of emails/texts saying I can't do this, that being in contact gives me false hopes and because I love and respect her so much I have to let her go and not be in contact. She's always been the one to break the contact usually by sending a sentimental song via email. Obviously then I start to look too deeply into the lyrics and wonder what she means by this...

I haven't been on any dates and in all honesty don't feel I want to as I'm still at the stage where I'm still in love with my ex.

I know she has friends who she talks to alot about us, so I don't question her being lonely like I feel. The only person I can really talk to about my emotions and feelings is her, and she says wants to be there for me and cares for me. I feel almost guilty for saying I have to cut the contact but she says she understands, that I've always been like this as this is my way of coping with things... to shut things out

SineadMarie

Kaipa wrote: »

But the problem is I don't want to erase her completely from my life... so I can't just say I never want to hear from her again. I have already sent her a couple of emails/texts saying I can't do this, that being in contact gives me false hopes and because I love and respect her so much I have to let her go and not be in contact. She's always been the one to break the contact usually by sending a sentimental song via email. Obviously then I start to look too deeply into the lyrics and wonder what she means by this...

I haven't been on any dates and in all honesty don't feel I want to as I'm still at the stage where I'm still in love with my ex.

I know she has friends who she talks to alot about us, so I don't question her being lonely like I feel. The only person I can really talk to about my emotions and feelings is her, and she says wants to be there for me and cares for me. I feel almost guilty for saying I have to cut the contact but she says she understands, that I've always been like this as this is my way of coping with things... to shut things out

Then there is no way your going to move on..everyone here is saying the same thing to you.

Shes told you she doesnt feel the same way yet shes emailing you songs that is lifting your hopes, sounds like shes plaing with your feelings and keeping you there in case!

The only option is to cut contact otherwise your in for a long road of heartache and head melting...

Kaipa

If she contacts me to say something like "I hope you're ok " or "I miss you, take care"... what's the best way of responding? I don't want to sound cold hearted... I want her to know I care for her but just can't be in contact.. ignoring her completely feels too cold

Taltos

Don't respond at all.

Seriously - why do you care anymore what she is thinking of you? You need to put yourself and your own recovery first - and if that means you come across as a cold hearted prat - well so be it.

As above - block her number, tell her to stop contacting you - you really have to draw a line under this at some point if you want to start the recovery process. This intermittent contact is rotten for you - and at some point either you keep wallowing in this misery or you start moving beyond it all.

Kaipa

Taltos wrote: »

Don't respond at all.

Seriously - why do you care anymore what she is thinking of you? You need to put yourself and your own recovery first - and if that means you come across as a cold hearted prat - well so be it.

As above - block her number, tell her to stop contacting you - you really have to draw a line under this at some point if you want to start the recovery process. This intermittent contact is rotten for you - and at some point either you keep wallowing in this misery or you start moving beyond it all.

I know I have to draw the line, but I DO care about what she thinks of me still because of how much she's changed my life... I always told her no matter what even if it did end I'd always be there for her and I'd never want her out of my life, she means so much to me. I just want to tell her that for now I can't be in contact (in a non dickish way) but that I do care for her and if she really needs me she knows where I am. I can't keep torturing myself by being in contact with her.. I know

Forever Hopeful

Kaipa wrote: »

I know I have to draw the line, but I DO care about what she thinks of me still because of how much she's changed my life... I always told her no matter what even if it did end I'd always be there for her and I'd never want her out of my life, she means so much to me. I just want to tell her that for now I can't be in contact (in a non dickish way) but that I do care for her and if she really needs me she knows where I am. I can't keep torturing myself by being in contact with her.. I know

OP, I have read your posts and to be honest, you need to take off these rose tinted glasses. You are addicted to the chase and nothing more. This poor girl moved to England to be with you and you tell her you couldn't commit and go back. You flirt with other girls and put your band ahead of her. Now she doesn't want a relationship with you and its more drama from you. Now you want her, now you need her. Possibility of losing your job and you tell her in an effort to pull at her heart strings and get her back. Its a bit manipulative. She is 35, she has 10 years of maturity on you. You have put her through the mill and she's had enough. Instead of cutting contact to help you, cut contact and free her to find someone who'll NEVER doubt that she's the one.
Sorry for being harsh but that's how it reads to me.

Kaipa

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, I have read your posts and to be honest, you need to take off these rose tinted glasses. You are addicted to the chase and nothing more. This poor girl moved to England to be with you and you tell her you couldn't commit and go back. You flirt with other girls and put your band ahead of her. Now she doesn't want a relationship with you and its more drama from you. Now you want her, now you need her. Possibility of losing your job and you tell her in an effort to pull at her heart strings and get her back. Its a bit manipulative. She is 35, she has 10 years of maturity on you. You have put her through the mill and she's had enough. Instead of cutting contact to help you, cut contact and free her to find someone who'll NEVER doubt that she's the one.
Sorry for being harsh but that's how it reads to me.

I know I have made many mistakes and I regret them all. After going to Finland in January to prove how much I love her it's been going well (or so I thought). That's almost 1 year ago now... so I disagree that I'm now suddenly trying to cause drama saying I want her, I've known for a long time I can't afford to lose her or make any more mistakes. I've shown her I am willing to change, despite having depression I have made the effort to overcome my own obstacles in order to better our relationship... I guess this was too late. I in no way told her about my job situation in order to manipulate her, I wasn't even going to tell her but she kept questioning me when she could hear in my voice something wasn't right...

I lover her so much that I am willing to let her go so she can be happy. That's all I want for her now... I just want her to know that so we can both move on

Taltos

Kaipa wrote: »

I lover her so much that I am willing to let her go so she can be happy. That's all I want for her now... I just want her to know that so we can both move on

But that's not fair on her or you.
Wanting her to know this is just going to mess with her head even more OP.
Take a step back - read through your posts and the replies again and hopefully you will see that if you really want the best for her and you the best thing you can do is to leave her alone to get on with the life she is trying to build now while you do the same.

Kaipa

OK so I've not been in contact since the last time I posted here - however she sent me an email a few days ago saying:


I had to write one final email. I swear I won't contact you again, it only hurts me writing you and not getting response. Just want you to know how I feel really.

I am terribly sad I lost you for good. You always said no matter what you'll be there for me and I swore I'll be always there for you. And I was till you didn't want that anymore. I feel horrible that I know nothing about you and I'm worried. Even I know you'll be fine, you have your parents there for you.

You made me swear I won't throw memories away. I didn't but when I unpacked for my new flat I felt so sad seeing stuff that reminded me of you that I had to hide most of them:( I feel so sad I'm here alone again and can't share it with you anymore. Seeing christmas stuff makes me sick and everything reminds me of England and you. You were and still are so dear to me and no matter how much you hurt me, I will always miss you. Not one single day will pass that I don't miss you or think of you.

I have no option but to let you be for good now. I wish so much it never came to this point. I still can't believe it did. I cant really even enjoy if new life here, it just mainly upsets me. Take care baby:(

---

I responded saying I'm afraid saying she misses me at this point isn't enough, and that I'm not going no contact to hurt her but to protect my broken heart because I still love her so much.

She responds:

And I want to add that I will never love anyone the way I loved you. I learned to love soneone without holding back one bit and was willing to do anything for you and us. That's why it hurts cos I also lost my best friend, the one I could tell anything, the one I could support Snd who supported me. That's why it's so hard cos you always said you could never ever lose me from your life and we would at least stay friends. But deep down I knew this is going to happen eventually. At least when you move on:( all I can say anymore is I'm sorry I couldn't respect your will and contacted you still.

I respond:

I feel like I lost everything when I lost you, my lover... my best friend... my soul mate. But as much as I wanted to, I can't pretend to be just friends with you when I love you so deeply. You have no idea how much it hurts, but it hurts even more being in contact knowing you don't feel the same way about me.

I hope it was all worth it in the end, I will never stop loving you

She responds:

I guess I understand. I just always thought if you truly love someone you never want to lose him/her from your life.

I do hope it was worth it too. As we lose the contact now we will never get it back if you one day change your mind

X

---

I feel really bad for breaking the no contact, however... I still do love her and if she really wanted me I would consider. However I'm not sure whether what she is saying is just breadcrumbs or I'm looking too much into things? Please help!

BraziliaNZ

Jesus. The way that girl is going on. Is she really 35? Would you give it over, seriously, just stop talking to her and get on with your life. You're just getting a sordid buzz out of this farce at this stage. Where's it going? What's it leading to? Nothing, face it. Just stop.

Kaipa

I'm not unsure where it's leading to hence why I've resorted here for some help - I can assure you I'm getting absolutely NO pleasure from this situation whatsoever... every time I hear from her it tears me apart

ManOfMystery

Kaipa wrote: »

... every time I hear from her it tears me apart

Then you both need to cut contact.

You've tried to make it work a few times - and it didn't work. Continuing this situation on is only prolonging things. Everyone's giving you pretty much the same advice but you seem intent on ignoring it.

Forever Hopeful

Kaipa wrote: »

I'm not unsure where it's leading to hence why I've resorted here for some help - I can assure you I'm getting absolutely NO pleasure from this situation whatsoever... every time I hear from her it tears me apart

It's like you both are addicted to pain and drama. This could keep going around in circles and I stand by what I've said previously, you have the potential to act up again if you both decided to give this another shot.
Like BrazilianNZ asks is she really 35? As far as I see it you have two choices. Ignore and move on (and you will, this isn't a Romeo and Juliet situation) or keep picking at this scab.
Maybe she'll take you back but how long before your head is turned again. Leave her be, you are suffering from wanting what you can't have and she has blinkers.
Sorry

Kaipa

Yes she is really 35...

I know almost everyone here has said the same thing, but I just find it hard to ignore when she sends me messages like that

BraziliaNZ

Kaipa wrote: »

Yes she is really 35...

I know almost everyone here has said the same thing, but I just find it hard to ignore when she sends me messages like that

Ok I tell you what. Don't ignore her. Keep replying to her, and carry on as is. Or - ignore her. There's only 2 choices, you seem to prefer staying in touch, so go ahead and do that. Case closed.

Kaipa

Whilst I appreciate it's easy to act so cold hearted when looking from an outsiders perspective, there's no need to be hostile. I just want some advice that will help me through this - just saying ignore her doesn't help

BraziliaNZ

Kaipa wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate it's easy to act so cold hearted when looking from an outsiders perspective, there's no need to be hostile. I just want some advice that will help me through this - just saying ignore her doesn't help

I'm not being cold hearted. I've been there, done that. What do you want us to say exactly? I think you're waiting for someone to come along and tell you to do something that you're waiting to hear. What is it?

Forever Hopeful

Kaipa wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate it's easy to act so cold hearted when looking from an outsiders perspective, there's no need to be hostile. I just want some advice that will help me through this - just saying ignore her doesn't help

You are getting advice to help you through this but it isn't what you want to hear. You will get over this only if you allow yourself. You can't have it both ways. It's not easy ignoring someone you care about but it's cruel to keep the flame burning if you are not going to follow through.
We are strangers to you, it doesn't matter to us what you do, just giving you the benefit of our experience. respond to her, have the outpouring of emotions, exhaust yourself, be miserable. Live for every contact and have your demeanour affected by that. It's a waste of a life (I know) but it's your life.

Taltos

OP - many of us have been through what you are experiencing. As much as you want to think that no-one can know the loss you are feeling or how empty your life is without this person, I can say that yes - we don't know her or you - but many of us have lost or left someone we thought were the one, the other person who made sense of it all.

That's why when we see you making the same mistakes some of us made we just get frustrated. Having been where you are we are speaking from experience here - not from fun - that you have to really stop this.

As before there are steps you and ONLY you can take here.
1. Delete & block from facebook - or delete your account.
2. BLOCK her number on your mobile / change your number.
3. Set up a junk mail rule to DELETE any and all mails from her.
4. Any post or presents that arrive (and yes you will recognise her writing) just bin or return to sender - never ever open.

Seriously - read back through that mail - do you not see that the only person who is getting something from this exchange is her. All it is doing to you is wrecking your head and your emotions.

Yes the poster above was blunt - either continue down this route and be miserable until you get numb and it makes a new relationship all but impossible or start the healing now and stop all (and I mean all) contact immediately.

SineadMarie

Time is the only healer now, 3 weeks ago i went through a very painful realisation everything i thought was real wasn't and i just wanted to die, now today i can honestly say after not hearing from that person, that i feel a little better so trust me it works!

Your problem here is you won't listen to all this great advice yes it hurts and its better to hear from her than not but i don't see why your prolonging this. As the above recommended blocked, delete etc!! Maybe try some counselling too can be really good to help get through the bad days!

Kaipa

And I do appreciate everyones help - I guess I just want to hear if people have had the same kind of experience I have as in still love the dumper but feel guilty for going no contact, then dumper keeps contacting. Is it her playing mindgames? For her to hint I didn't truly love her because I can't stay in contact forever really hurts

Taltos

OP - this is all about her making herself feel better. That is all.

Harsh I know - but seriously - if she really loved you would she have dumped you? And would she now be causing you more pain? Or trying to make you feel guilty?

Think SineadMarie hit it on the head here - maybe find someone to talk to - but really take the necessary steps to start healing today.