Should I tell her the truth?

Tunage

Eugh....
That's how I feel.
I started writing this thread 3 times but in the end I decided to get it off my chest.

I have a friend and every now and again I get this urge to tell her the honest to god truth of how I feel that she treats me like **** and is just in general a fake person.

To try and make this extremely long story short.. i'll give a few examples of the things that truly truly pee me off big time.

If we're on the phone to eachother (which is rare) she either starts having a conversation with her 2yr old son, puts me on hold while she does something else around the house, puts me on hold to answer another call that has come through while we're on the phone, is busy doing something so doesn't exactly hear what I'm saying and it's very obvious in her 'yeah, Ah yeah I know' that she hasn't a clue what I've just said.

The same happens if I call to her house. I sit at the table with a cuppa and she's either doing the laundry, making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, chatting to her son or fighting with her husband.

It really bugs me. Why should I sit there when she can't even be bothered to give me any acknowledgment or have a chat when I'm in HER house?! I'd rather not be blatantly ignored thanks.

I've also often seen her blank people, bitch about people, bitch about how people raise their kids, how people dress, how they wear their hair, bitch about their boyfriends, bitch about their work etc etc.. I know for a fact she says the same about me to her sister and her mother.

I've witnessed her read txs, bitch about the person and not reply... I've witnessed her blag her way out of a phonecall, lie about why she can't go somewhere or do something and she does the same with me. I've caught her out but never said anything to her.

We used to live quite close to each other and when I was single and jobless and she was engaged and preparing her wedding we hung out ALL the time.. literally nearly the whole day.

Two years ago I moved in with my partner 20 mins down the road and she NEVER visits. She always txts me to call up for tea and I have done... but recently I feel like why should I always be the one to run to her. She always wants me to go to her and never EVER comes down here.
I have suggested going for a drink in the town where I live now and her response was 'Ehhh I don't think so' (with the 'whythef**kwouldigothere) facial expression.


I'm getting really sick of it. She has used me a lot in the last few years and when her marriage was falling apart she wouldn't even hold back on fighting with her husband if I was in the house. She treated him like **** and made me feel soooo awkward when she started on him if I was there.

What should I do?! I really wana sit her down and just tell her the things that I don't like but she's literally my only friend (who lives near anyway).

What should I do?!

m'lady

And why exactly are you still friends with this person? She obviously gives nothing in this ' friendship' , and you are frustrated at it.. Are you sure you are nothing clinging into her op? She is not a friend and u are not her friend. Cut her out of your life and move on.

Don't tell her. Just stop taking crap from her and find some new friends.

looksee

She is not your friend. Break free, get on with your life.

Tunage

Just throw a friendship away like that?

m'lady

Tunage wrote: »

Just throw a friendship away like that?

What friendship are you referring to exactly?

Tunage

Well before we were all 'settled' we had loads of good nights out, laughs, parties etc etc.. we still do (the very very very oddddd time).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, shouldn't I try to get her to change how she treats me, get her to see how she treats me and try to let her know that she's no better than me even though she thinks it?

tbh

Tunage wrote: »

What should I do?!

you should stop putting up with her ****.

when she texts you and asks you to come up to her house, tell her it's her turn to come down to your house and leave it there.

Tunage

Thanks tbh,
I actually did today and the excuse was sick child which I can't argue with (if it's true) which I'm not sorry for saying because I've witnessed that too!

Meauldsegosha

Tunage wrote: »

Well before we were all 'settled' we had loads of good nights out, laughs, parties etc etc.. we still do (the very very very oddddd time).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, shouldn't I try to get her to change how she treats me, get her to see how she treats me and try to let her know that she's no better than me even though she thinks it?

You won't be able to change how she treats you. You can tell her you don't like the way she treats you but only she can change her behaviour. You say she treats other people this way also so it's unlikely she is going to change.

Stavro Mueller

Just because you've been friends for years does not automatically mean you should be friends now. She doesn't sound like a very nice person at all and is certainly not a good friend. I wonder are you too dependent on her as a friend because she's the only one you have locally? I reckon too that you need her far more than she needs you; I bet if you vanished off the face of the earth in the morning she'd not care one way or the other.

ElleEm

When I used to question my "toxic" friendships in the past, I would ask myself do I feel better or worse after I spend time with them/ talk on the phone etc. In my own case, I realised that I was drained, or annoyed or just felt used after spending time with those friends. I made a decision to cut them out of my life, purely cos I knew I would be better without the drama/ lies/ bitchiness. It is difficult to get used to not having friends around if you are used to them, but I can assure you, if you cut this girl out of your life, it will be the HABIT you miss, and not the value of your friendship.

She sounds so caught up in her own stuff that she doesn't have the time to give you what you expect from her.

Make an effort to make new, REAL friends! There are loads of tips on this forum about meeting new people, (join clubs, gym, meetup.com, Ladies Lounge/ Boards beers, etc.).

You are clearly investing a lot into this non- friendship. It sounds like it's time to move on.

ash23

Fair enough, she gave you the sick child excuse today. So wait and see if she asks you to come over and say again "it's your turn to visit me" and on and on it goes until it either fizzles out or she makes more of an effort.

I had similar with a friend who just became oh so busy once she got married. I made lots of effort initially but got sick of it. She asked me to come visit her and I reminded her that it was a two way road. I sent birthday cards, christmas cards and got nothing but a "oh thanks" text in return so I stopped. I stopped trying to arrange meetups, I stopped texting first, I stopped sending cards.....have heard nothing from her in over a year other than through mutual friends.
Ho-hum....that's life and the world goes on turning.

castle

I don't think you have to come out and just say it as this can be hard to do, I would just drift away from her ,ie by not returning calls.not going out with her etc, why bother with someone who makes you feel like ****, move on and surround yourself with people who do make you feel good and secure,happy, bbest of luck, leopard does not chnage spots, then again you may be a needy person yourself and the way she treats you maybe somehow you think you are only worthy of such lack of respect not sure only you know, but if I were you I be gone for good,

lady2012

if u want her to take you seriously and treat u with respect, then stop taking the cr*p shes dishing. I had a close friend who treated me in almost the same manner, and i gave excuses on her behalf until i ran out. that was 4 years ago, n im glad shes out of my life

Stavro Mueller

Another way of looking at it is that she might be trying to give you the hint that she doesn't really want you around? Otherwise why would she just sideline you like that? It's bad manners, yes, but it's also a message she's giving you. I think she tolerates you as a person rather than views you as a friend. Perhaps she's throwing you some crumbs of friendship when it suits her but overall she sounds like she doesn't particularly care. You need her far more than she needs you and that's something you need to look at. Why are you so desperate to stay friends with someone who's clearly not interested in you or what you have to say? Why do you want to hang out with someone who's as two-faced and bitchy as you say she is? She doesn't sound like she is a nice person and life's too short to put up with people like that.

Tunage

Thanks everyone.

I know I probably should do this and the reason I'm putting it off is probably what some of you already mentioned. I think I'm afraid of losing the only 'local' friend I have.

Thanks again, I needed to type it out to get off my chest.

Stavro Mueller

You said you have a partner. Maybe the pair of you should get more involved in activities locally and it might help you meet more people and make new friends.

Tunage

Oh I'm very involved in our little community here... I know a lot of people and people know me but I suppose what I don't have is that 'friend' that can call round for tea, go out for drinks etc...

I suppose I could join weight watchers lol!

edellc

I am not making excuses for her as she does seem to not particularly want to be your friend, however life changes when you have a child and sometimes its hard to stop doing all the housework even when you have a visitor as the main thing on your mind is getting everything done so when the child goes asleep you can actually sit down and chill out...its just a thought

My view on friends is this, some who are golden nugets are for life but these are very rare most are just in your life for a certain chapter or period of time and one or the other of you grow out of the other, sometimes your paths cross again sometimes they don't

From your post I think she has outgrown you, so my advise to you is to appreciate what you had which is now over and move on, who knows a period of absence might do you both good

I don't think there us any need to communicate this to her unless you feel you need to, just don't call her anymore


Best of luck with it op

jordainius

Its very easy to look at this as an outsider and get the impression that this person is not really a friend and not someone not worth having in the OP's life. It's strange because I can think of a few friends I know who have similar "friends" who leave me wondering why in the name of god they are friends.

This person must have some good qualities, otherwise this thread wouldn't exist as this would be an easy decision for the OP.

OP, I admire your loyalty! This friend of yours has no idea how lucky she is to have you, I just don't have the patience to deal with people like that!

Make a mental list of pros and cons, in terms of what she offers you. It shouldn't matter how long you have been friends, an unfortunate fact of life is that friendships come and go, even long term friendships.

It sounds to me like you're ready to move on from this person though!

tinkerbell

Tunage wrote: »

Just throw a friendship away like that?

OP, just because you had a good friendship I'm the past, doesn't mean you should put up with your friend's bad behaviour now. It sounds like you now get nothing out of this friendship except for headache and she doesn't make you feel good about yourself. So I would distance yourself from her. People change over time, friendships fizzle out, etc.

daisybelle2008

Tunage wrote: »

Oh I'm very involved in our little community here... I know a lot of people and people know me but I suppose what I don't have is that 'friend' that can call round for tea, go out for drinks etc...

I suppose I could join weight watchers lol!

You have very little positive to say about her, but you would like to maintain a 'friendship' with someone you don't really like or care for so you have someone to call around to for tea and go out for drinks .

Yeah join weight watchers to find a more suitable candidate for entertainment. That might be the best solution. It will be easier than getting her to change her personality so you can have her better serve your needs.

Tunage

So to update you all.. (which I didn't think would happen this soon tbh!)

Anyway, I noticed a missed call from her number on my house phone yesterday. I txd her to say I was sorry I missed the call and I'd ring her after we'd had dinner. She replied saying 'oh, (child) had the phone and must have hit the number by accident'....

It took me a while to get myself around this. She didn't even say 'yeah phone at whatever time cuz it'd suit better' or 'don't phone I'm goin out' it was a 'i wasn't phoning you at all' comment.

So we ended up back and forth texting and she still made me feel like I wasn't making enough effort with her and it's out of her way to come down to visit me as well as other things. She questioned why I didn't lift the phone to call her and I told her... and she never replied.

Not sure if I give a **** or not but what I do know is that I don't have the same horrible heavy feeling I had at the begining of the week.

Thanks for listening x

Stavro Mueller

This tells you everything you need to know about where you stand with her. You're not important enough in her life for her to put herself out in any way. She doesn't need you because she has her husband, perhaps other friends and probably has her hands full with her kid. At best you're a diversion but really, if you never contacted her again, she'd not miss you.

Tunage

That's so true and I do feel a sense of sadness that this might actually be the end. The fact that she couldn't see how it might be out of my way to visit her really hit me, I just needed her to say (in a round about way) that I was an inconvenince to her and she did. She called me wanting to catch up over a cuppa 'unimportant' so there ya go.

I deleted the messages off my phone because I just didn't want to have the temptation to read them... it would only annoy the bejaysus out of me!

Stavro Mueller

I can understand that. For all her faults, you still considered her a friend and she had her good points too. Things can be very black and white in here at times. But when it comes down to it, a friend shouldn't make you feel like this woman has. edellc suggested that she has outgrown you and I think she has a point. People's lives do change when they have children and some people become so wrapped up in their new family that they lose interest in keeping up contact with their old friends. There may be a certain amount of this going on with your friend. But from what you've written, she has form, so to speak. She might have her good points of course but her dark side is quite unpleasant. How can you be certain that she hasn't been doing the following behind your back?

I've also often seen her blank people, bitch about people, bitch about how people raise their kids, how people dress, how they wear their hair, bitch about their boyfriends, bitch about their work etc etc.. I know for a fact she says the same about me to her sister and her mother.

I've witnessed her read txs, bitch about the person and not reply... I've witnessed her blag her way out of a phonecall, lie about why she can't go somewhere or do something and she does the same with me. I've caught her out but never said anything to her

castaway_lady

Congratulations, you've dodged decades of frustration here. It might be a short term mini grieving process but sometimes its nice to know what you're really dealing with, in case you think you're missing out on something.

Having friends with kids, I can see that there's a difference between real friends with kids and those who use the kids to big-up their existence and she's the latter. There are people out there who can actually juggle both their offspring and friends, sure the latter has to take a bit of a backseat but not be kicked and put in the boot...so to speak!

Good riddens....save your credit...onwards and upwards

cafecolour

She's taking you for granted.

If you want to try and maintain said friendship for some reason - only agree to meet on 'neutral' ground. I.e. try going out together to a restaurant or a bar or such, without significant others or kids.