confidence issues

nervousreck

I am a nineteen year old student with serious confidence issues. I find it very difficult to talk to people as i get really nervous and my face is constantly going red. I have a small group of friends where i am comfortable talking with them. Can anybody give some advice on how to overcome this problem, as it is becoming a huge issue and taking over my life

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I also really battle with confidence issues. I have very low self-esteem and confidence, which has only been made worse in recent years. Fortunately, mine isn't as much related to talking to people. As such, I'm probably not the best person to give advice but I did hear about a place called Toastmasters, which is a club for people to learn how to boost confidence in public speaking. While I'm sure it may be daunting, it may be beneficial also because you won't know anyone there (so no worries if you make a "mistake") and you can quit if you find it too much.

Hope that helps.

cafecolour

Is it confidence in general or just social anxiety? In general just finding any hobby/activity/sport and doing it and getting good at it is a major confidence booster.

Toastmasters is good suggestion. As for talking to people, give yourself little tasks each day that involve talking to strangers, and then built on them. Examples of what I mean: asking for directions, calling or asking a shop/etc. for information (do you carry curry powder? What time is Skyfall showing, etc.), asking in a place (i.e. a pub) if they have jobs available. Nothing you need to actually know (i.e. you're asking directions to a place you know), but since these are clearly defined tasks you can practice them and then they can be the first step in talking to people.

nervousreck

Thanks very much for the advice. It is both confidence in general and social anxiety. I used to give myself small tasks to do but when asking someone a simple question i would shake really bad and go really red. Even after doing small tasks i would continue to shake for another twenty minutes and feel horrible about myself. I just want to know how to not hate myself all of the time and be able to just relax and talk to people without making a scene

cafecolour

But how many times did you do these small tasks? I.e. try repeating the same one (maybe asking for directions), once a day for a month, and by the end of that it should be more comfortable with it. It's almost like working out in that sense - you're not going to be able to do ten pull-ups after three tries.

You also might want to consider thing a therapist/psychiatrist for more professional advice and possibly anti-anxiety medication if you want to go down that route.

gem898

Hi OP,

I suffered the same thing and I still do, just not to the same extent.
People used to think I was rude and unfriendly because I would be afraid to say hi to someone that I may have only met once while with another friend. Social anxiety comes from low self confidence, in my opinion. Its the nerves that really used to get me, I'd then get frustrated and angry with myself because I knew I should be able to do it.
I'm still not cured, it is something that I have to deal with everyday but I work with a counsellor who is great and it gets easier. Even the other day, I had to make some cold calls as part of my job... I went into a private office to make that calls.. after I came out and sat back at my desk, a colleague asked if I was ok as I had a red rash going from my chest all the way up to the tip of my ears...

I had written a huge long description of what I had gone through but I think its important to give you straight advice.

1: Confide in a close friend whats going on so that someone understands how you're feeling.
2: Look into counselling. Usually colleges have their own ones or you could go private. A lot of counsellors provide student or low income discounts. Its not a weakness going to see someone. You may only need to go a couple of times but its great to be able to share things with someone who doesn't know you and wont judge you!
3: Become an expert at something. Is there something you enjoy doing, whether its sports, or writing a blog, or a particular subject that really interests you. If you become an expert at it and know pretty much all there is to know then you'll have to confidence to talk to people about that. For me its when I'm unsure whether I'll know what to say in a situation that makes me nervous or go red.
4: Or when I'm not sure what people are thinking about me... am I bugging them or do they genuinely want to talk to me? That was the basis for my red face and low self confidence. You need to try to figure out what is the reason for yours. Once you know what that is, its easier to develop a plan to overcome it.

Hope it goes well for you!

nervousreck

Thanks a million, i am the exact same with saying hello to people because i feel i dont know them well enough and a lot of people said how rude it was when it is purely down to being afraid of how they react. I have been telling a girl in my class who i get on well with and she has been trying to help me with this as well. I have done a lot mor of the little tasks and even though i still shake and go red i'm trying to put in my head thats its not going to be easy and to just stick with it. I am not sure about councelling as i would be way too nervous but thanks so much for the advice at least i know i am not thew only one thats been through this

gem898

You'll be fine. Just think about when people come up to you and talk to you.... do you think that they feel like they're bothering you? probably not. I've learnt that if people dont want to hear what I have to say then they will tell me. It helps me feel more able to approach people.

I also find that its much easier when the groups of people are smaller and you have something in common with them!

Best of luck, and feel free to ask any questions!!