I don't really talk to my parents anymore - is this normal?

LegacyUser

I'm not a teen anymore (turned 20 last month), but I felt it was more appropriate to post here than the relationship forum.

I don't talk to my mom at all anymore (she kicked me out over the summer), and I only talk to my dad sparingly, I send him an email every so often and sometimes he calls me.


Sometimes my mom calls me but I never answer the phone and I don't feel bad about that.

Is there something wrong with this?

January

Moved to Personal Issues.

Ellsbells

Why is the relationship so bad? Why were you kicked out?

curlzy

Yeah it really depends on why you were kicked out and why your relationship is so bad. Personally, I would speak to my parents several times a week and I have lunch with them every day because I work a few minutes up the road from them. But yeah I think your relationship with them sounds broken. Ignoring your mam's phone calls certainly isn't going to help that. My lil brother was kicked out of the house once, but he was being a horrible little b*stard at the time and totally deserved it. So yeah can you give us more details?

LegacyUser

It's not other people who get to say what kind of relationship you have with your parents. There is no such thing as "normal" OP everyones relationships are different. There is no rule saying you must stay close to your parents - your all just human after all.

Yes it's nice if you have a good relationship with them but plenty of people have fallings out - sometimes over stupid small things and sometimes over massive issues. One close friend no longer speaks to his dad as his dad has serious addiction issues. Somewhere down the road maybe the dad will deal with his demons and try and build bridges and my friend is honest in that he doesn't know how he'll deal with that if it happens but right now he wants to never see the man again. Another friend had a fall out with her parents over something small that I don't think she can recall what it was but her father passed away while they weren't speaking and she regrets never rebuilding that bridge.

This may be a phase for you OP you might wish to not have contact with your parents now for your own reasons and those could change as you yourself change but be aware they are not always going to be there and if you opt to not include them in your life now you must accept that in the future if you change your mind it might be to late. If your mum is trying to contact with you then you need to make the choice on wither you want to re-connect with her or not for you and not because other people say you should.

looksee

I think you may be at an age where you might be going your own way for a few years anyway OP. Granted your situation is a bit more extreme, and as the others have said, it does depend a bit on the nature of the row that led to your mother throwing you out.

I suggest you don't slam any doors, even if you don't do anything very active to make contact. Maybe acknowledge your mother, then get on with your life, and you may well find that in a few years time you will feel you want to get back in touch, but as an independent person.

Possibly, if its appropriate, apologise for what ever caused the problem, but say calmly that you are going to just get on with your life and will get back in touch in due course. Just let them know at intervals that you are ok; you are still their son and they will be concerned about you.

LegacyUser

Well I was never that close to my dad since he broke up with my mom when I was 4. I'd see him every second weekend but he never called outside of that.

My mom kicked me out because she didn't want me living with her anymore.
She said more than once that she didn't like me as a person, and didn't want to share her living space with me, this started when I was about 14.
To her I was boring, uninteresting,I was selfish, I didn't care about others, I wasn't funny etc. (stuff she said to my face) and that she didn't love me.

It got worse around when I turned 16 and didn't socialise much with others, I didn't pay attention in school (because I hated it) and the rest of the time I just spent time alone in my room.
She'd tell me I was useless and why didn't I just get a job, I was being unhealthy.

I would cry at the thought of going back to school a lot of the time and her attitude was basically just suck it up.

Any interest/hobby I had or any career I wanted to pursue she didn't approve of: sports, playing guitar, reading writing, drawing, animation, film-making, and she told me I was bad at all these things at one time or another.
The only career I was interested in was Accountancy that I was interested in for a few weeks in third year.

She's an alcoholic and got drunk almost every night. Sometimes she'd get pretty mean to me and say things she wouldn't remember the next day, she told me a lot of times to "pack your bags, you're out the door first thing next morning" and once or twice slapped/scratched me.
I didn't really have anywhere else to go.

She caused a lot of confidence and self-esteem issues for me, then blamed me for them and didn't really do anything to help with them.

So because I'm in college now I don't rely on her for money/a place to stay and don't have anything I'd want to say to her anymore.

(Sorry this is so long)

maidie

Hi OP, considering the attitude of your mother towards you I don't blame you for feeling the way you do at all, its probably not her fault t hat she is an alcoholic but I think you suffered badly because of it, so firstly well done for becoming a college student having hated school and also for becoming financially independent of her. My father was an alcoholic and he died when we were not on speaking terms, I would not repeat some of the things that he said to me and it does effect me but I became a very strong person as a result.

Your dad I think maybe should have made more of an effort with you, afterall it wasn't up to you to build the relationship at 4 years of age, could you have some conversation with him now telling him how you feel. I think that when you have your own kids you will have a fantastic relationship with them because of your past experience and I really hope you do

On a completely different note, my daughter is your age and I often question our relationship because she doesn't confide much in me or make much conversation but is a completely different person with her friends, she does however come to me when she needs help with something or needs advice so I'm happy enough with that, I guess when I was her age my relationship with my mother was a lot different to what it is now so things can change with the right attitude.... Best of luck

Overheal

My family annoys me. /shrug

Seems perfectly normal to me. Some people talk to their parents all the time, some don't. Either seems reasonable. Me and my dad regularly butt heads, and my mom did a good job at saying some pretty spiteful **** to me growing up that on top of the long distance, really didn't help out. So, I don't feel too out of place about it.

Catari Jaguar

Overheal wrote: »

My family annoys me. /shrug

Seems perfectly normal to me. Some people talk to their parents all the time, some don't. Either seems reasonable. Me and my dad regularly butt heads, and my mom did a good job at saying some pretty spiteful **** to me growing up that on top of the long distance, really didn't help out. So, I don't feel too out of place about it.

You must not have read the OPs second post.

OP, your mother is emotionally & verbally abusive. Cut her out. You deserve better. Good luck, take care of yourself.

Janey_Mac

You're an adult. Your parents are adults. Adults get to decide whether they want to spend time with each other, relatives or not.

Your mother has treated you horrendously. It's reasonable not to want to spend time with someone that says those kinds of things to you.

Don't ever feel obliged to spend time with people who treat you badly just because they're related to you. You might get hassled or guilt tripped about this, but you wouldn't try to keep up a friendship with someone who had treated you like your mother did, so why would you feel bad about not keeping up a relationship with her? You have to look after your own mental health.

Luca Brasi

Janey_Mac wrote: »

You're an adult. Your parents are adults. Adults get to decide whether they want to spend time with each other, relatives or not.

Your mother has treated you horrendously. It's reasonable not to want to spend time with someone that says those kinds of things to you.

Don't ever feel obliged to spend time with people who treat you badly just because they're related to you. You might get hassled or guilt tripped about this, but you wouldn't try to keep up a friendship with someone who had treated you like your mother did, so why would you feel bad about not keeping up a relationship with her? You have to look after your own mental health.

Life is too short to be hung up about this. You have your own life to live. Your mother has made her choice and if your father is not ion a position or unwilling to make her face her demons then so be it.
She cannot be allowed to use her chaotic lifestyle to destroy your life. if you allow it yuou have only yourself to blame.
Keep up whatever relationship you can with your father but get out and start building your own life before it is too late

Morag

Get yourself some counselling and consider going to an alanon meeting.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Yes it sounds like you are better off with out her but you have issues you need to resolve and you did deserve a better upbrining up you are an adult now and what happens next to you in your life and how much healing you can do for yourself is up to you.