Christmas with Family stress

LegacyUser

If the decorations in Dunnes are anything to go by, then I can safely say Christmas is upon us - in October I might add. And so the dread begins. I HATE spending Christmas with my family, especially when the rest of the family are gone, so it's my alcoholic father, fraught mother and myself on that joyous day. I really hate it. All my siblings are married and so are not expected to come to the family home for Christmas day. I am in a long term relationship with my partner (8 years) and yet because we are not married, it seems we are expected to spend Christmas day apart - our respective homes are approx 400kms apart. My partner and I live together and would really love to spend the day together and actually enjoy it! The stress of the whole thing has really started to hit me. I no longer go to see my parents because my father is so bad, and the thoughts of having to spend a couple of days with them BY MYSELF just seems unbearable! Help! How do I get out of it?!

girl2

If I were you - both you and your partner should tell your respective families that you will be spending Christmas together and not with them. If they take offence, so be it, they'll soon get over it.

Would it be an option for the two of you to get away altogether over Christmas?

Life is too short to be spending Christmases with people you don't even want to be with.

Hope it works out for you

Toast4532

I agree with girl2, if you do not want to spend Christmas with your family, tell them you have other plans. And if they don't like it, tough.

You do what you want to do, not what others want you to do. It is your decision where you spend your day and with whom you spend the day, your families will just have to accept your decision, they will be pissed off, but they will get over it, they won't have much choice.

Stand your ground and they will soon get over it.

Ellsbells

Surely they will get invited to a siblings house if you are away?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

The problem really is that they will be by themselves if I am not there. My other siblings won't invite them to come to their house - they will all have excuses prepared and I have to say, I don't blame them. My father will turn up drunk to their house and they have small children, it wouldn't be fair.

Both my partner and I have discussed going away somewhere - which seems like the only plausible excuse, but financially, it's not possible. I'd have no problem telling my father that I wasn't going to be there, because to be honest, he wouldn't even notice. It's my mam I feel sorry for. I hate the idea of her being there by herself with him for the day.

CarMe

Do whatever pleases you OP, there are some great Christmas packages in hotels in Ireland if you want to get away, sun holidays or just stay in with the person you love. Life can be short so do what pleases you and not other people!
I would love to spend a Christmas in the sun and i know my partners family would want to see my daughter but with the utmost respect, it's our life and I don't want to get old and think of all the things I should have done.
Enjoy it!

folamh

I'm sorry the holidays are such a depressing time for you, OP. It's all well and good that you are an adult now and if they take issue with you preferring to stay with your OH, that is their problem. Certainly keep that in mind. But at the same time, you do not want to leave your mam on her own and that is understandable. I don't know if this appeals to you, but how about this idea? Stage your own big Christmas dinner: invite both sets of parents plus some others over and have a great time. If you are worried about your dad turning up drunk, have an honest heart-to-heart with him beforehand. Perhaps that will incentivize him to maintain some dignity. Again, I am sorry you have to put up with this. Wishing you a very happy xmas

tinkerbell

OP, you and your partner are adults and it is up to YOU to decide how you want to spend Christmas. Just because you're not married, doesn't mean your relationship is any less important than your siblings who are married and it also doesn't mean that you are expected to spend Christmas apart. Christmas is a very special time of the year to a lot of people and people in relationships either want to spend it with their respective families or else they want to be able to spend it together - be it together at one person's house, at the other's house or just by themselves in their own home.

Why should you spend your Christmas being miserable, shouldering the burden for your other siblings? And also spending the months in the lead up to Christmas dreading it? That shouldn't be how it is. How about you spend Christmas either at you and your partner's home or else spend it at your partner's family home. Problem sorted. Besides, if you were married - what would you do? Presumably you'd do the same as your siblings.

I can also totally understand your point of not wanting to be anywhere near your father on Christmas day - after all, it's the holiday where drinking to the excess seems to be totally acceptable and no doubt he'll be worse during Christmas than any other time of the year.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I don't mean this to sound harsh.. but I think you are taking on more responsibility than others expect of you.

If you live with your partner I see no reason why it would be expected that you seperate for Christmas, just because you are not married. Is that your own perception, or has it been said to you?

If you were to say "me, and xxx are staying at home for Christmas this year" do you honestly think anyone would tell you that you can't or shouldn't?

If you understand why your siblings stay away, surely they'd understand if you decided likewise. You also say you'd feel sorry for your mam, being alone with him.. your mam lives with him, every day, alone. So it's not going to be any different for her on that one day. You cannot be held responsible for her happiness.

You can visit the day before or the day after if you want her to have some company but you are entitled to enjoy your own Christmas day the way you like it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. You are right, I need to bite the bullet and look after myself. Thanks again!