christening dilema!!help!

taylor999

hi there,
im looking for some advice on a family issue here. my baby is due to get christened soon and i really want it to be a nice simple peaceful service and some family and friends with no drama involved.
my partner has just told me he does not want to invite my sister under any circumstances.reason being is (long story) there was a family argument over a year ago which got pretty lousey and she was nasty and stupid in how she acted towards myself and partner but we have resolved our issues and family relations with me have been good. no one has ever acknowledged my partners feelinga and i can understand how he is angry with her still.i know she is sorry for what she did but has never told him, and my family are not the type to go back into the past on this issue ,and i feel he opening a whole new can of worms on this which i can see will only get worse ,offend everyone all over again, ruin babys christening and all my hard work in trying to promote some peace.he was totally livid last night about my feelings as he said i should be more on his side .i understand his side but i know my family and this request from him will only make matters worse. why cant he just let it go and enjoy babys day without telling me to tell my sister she is not welcome, my parents will be angry and probably wont go then ,i was hoping to ask my father to be godfather. i dont see how i can communicate to him how this is only just silly, selfish,ego driven and wanting drama. i lost my temper too,not in defence of my sister but it was a hellish yr of argument before which i did not cause or want and ended up being stressed big time. i dont want to offend my partner or my family.please help!!!
thanks

P. Breathnach

You say that you now have good relations with your sister: are they good enough for you to have a talk with her and explain that your partner is still upset over the argument? If she is truly sorry about what she did, perhaps she might be willing to say so to your partner and at least get to the stage of calling a truce.

taylor999

they have never spoke since that time before i really dont think she will accept it if i asked her as i think she believes she was right for some part and is a very stubborn person . i could try but am wary of bringing it up again as i believe ill get the blame.i know if she is invited she will be respectful and nice but i know she has a side to her i dont like but for the sake of the big picture i dont want to get peoples back up which is going to be difficult to avoid.thanks.

dearg lady

neither one of them wants to back down cos their pride will be hurt. Could you get the 2 of them together before the day and ask for a truce. No one need apologise, but just so they can both be there without having a go at each other.
Honestly I don't know how people keep these grudges up, it's exhausting!

Calhoun

You say that family relations are good with you but that the argument was with both of you? How bad was it for you and your partner?

I am asking you have phrased it in a way that looks like you both had a falling out with them but you have made up with them and want to move on but he hasn't.

Could he feel left behind? how would you feel in his place if the situation was reversed? Also how would you feel if your feelings weren't being respected because your partner wanted to have a kodak moment day?

Another thing to consider and this depends on how big the original fallout issue was, could you have a problem with standing up to your family? this would have a couple of impacts ;

1. This might have been why he was involved in the first place as maybe he felt you needed the support;
2. This could be why he is fighting so hard now because maybe he feels that you are are just painting over the cracks for the sake of peace and there is evidence to suggest this;

Finishing up, i asked how serious this argument was because it will help you determine the solution, if the issue was trivial then indeed it is probably ego and they both need to get over it but if it was not trivial i think you may have a bigger issue on your hand as ignoring your partners wishes may impact you and your family unit long term.

jdsk2006

You seem to have missed or indeed maybe totally ignored the fact that your partner has remained very angry with your sister.......

Could you share more details of the row? Its hard to see your partners point with so little info

Kimia

Unless it was your partners fault, which it appears it was not, and you seem to blame your family/sister entirely, why are you making his life hard asking him to give in?

My god, people who avoid conflict for an easy life will continue to be walked over and I feel sorry for your husband having to not only put up with your family but now you trying to make him feel bad for standing up for himself. I think you are wrong here. You say that your sister was at fault but you want your husband to stand down. Unfair and unreasonable of you.

You get stressed out because you allow people (your family) to walk all over you. Grow up and stand up for your husband.

iguana

i dont see how i can communicate to him how this is only just silly, selfish,ego driven and wanting drama.

I don't see how you can communicate this to him either as it seems as if it's a really unfair and likely to be untrue statement. Without knowing all of the details it sounds as if your sister was not very nice to him, that the argument and her follow up behaviour was her fault and she has never apologised to your partner, who she treated badly. Now he doesn't want her around on a day that has special meaning for him. I'd describe that as understandable and normal, tbh, not silly, selfish, ego-driven nor wanting drama.

Yes it's difficult for you as you have made up with her and it's understandable that you wish to spend a day which has special meaning for you with your partner and your family. But you have to understand that this is an issue that needs resolving, not one which you can just sweep under the carpet. Getting angry at your partner for how he feels isn't going to help.

Try talking to him when you are both feeling calmer. Tell him how much you want all your family there and ask him if there is any way he can accept her presence. Perhaps he would if she apologised for her previous behaviour? And if he does agree to that you will need to talk to her and tell her that she needs to apologise. In your first post you say she is sorry and in your second you say she probably actually isn't really. But you, your partner and child are a family unit, the family unit that you have to prioritise. So if you sister wants to be welcomed to your family events, she needs to make peace with your partner.

Neyite

His child getting christened, as far as I'm concerned, he gets a say in who he wants and does not want there.

I have no time for people who dont have the maturity to make amends for the hurt they caused, instead expecting that it should be swept under the carpet and forgotton. In my experience these very people who are incapable of an apology say and do far worse in an argument because they have never had to be held accountable for their side of the argument.

You should tell your sister that you would love her to be there, however she owes your partner a long overdue apology first for how she treated him.

Starokan

In an ideal world your sister would talk with your partner and make amends, based on what your saying the liklihood is that this will not happen.

I agree with virtually everyone who has posted here , they should have some form of a clear the air before the event, work out who was right , who needs to apologise etc.

But only you know your family and if this is going to result in one massive row involving everyone then I think your partner should take this one on the chin and focus on you and the baby for the day.

Families are funny and I think in most cases if someones sister was not invited for whatever reason then I think it likely that others in the family, parents , brothers etc could boycott the event too thus utterly ruining the day. I know some people will say so what but thats the op's day ruined too.

Sometime circumstances dictate actions and in this case if your partner is the bigger man by rising above the pettiness it will serve everybody very well.

username123

Im not convinced by all this business about opening cans of worms and the family not going into the past. Sometimes to move forward you have to go back and you are saying that your sister IS sorry but never said that to your husband - well why not? Whats the point in being sorry if you never communicate it?

Its the christening day of your husbands child as well. He is just as entitled not to have his day ruined as you are and if your sister goes without apologising to him then thats his day ruined.

HeyThereDeliah

I feel for you OP caught in the middle with your partner and family, there is no easy way out of this someone will have to compromise and let the past go.

I understand how your partner is annoyed and tbh I think most people would react the same way. I think if it were me I would talk to your sister and ask her to make amends with him for you.

If that fails I would tell them all there is no christening only yourself, partner and baby.

taylor999

Thanks everyone for all your replies!! and i do see everyones point of view.
a little more history to this issue.
it all started with me giving a gift to my parents of 2 pets thinking they wanted them and if they didnt want them i was going to sell them so i gave them a week to see if they fitted in to their routine.that night i was told my sister had taken one of the dogs without asking me personally.i had made my parents promise not to separate them. anyway i was very annoyed and my partner was livid, he saw it they were taking advantage when he knew i suppose i would sell em and use the money for something else. when i told them i was angry etc i was made to feel like the petty one.so a few days later i got no joy and my partner drove us to their house to talk about it. my mother lost the plot.and after that things escalated ,my sister s partner at the time was aggressive towards us and it ended getting ugly which was very unexpected i really never saw any of this coming as i didnt think he or my sister would be capable of some of the antics they did. my partner was trying to defend me but if he had went in a calmer manner with me to my parents it could have been sorted but since things escalated big time the drama got worse and i fell out with everyone for over a year due to not recognising what they did, lying and also coming down on my partner way too hard when he actually didnt open his mouth to anyone only asking for the return of the pups.
i at the time felt i was going no where with requests for apologies or sit down talks ,no one wanted it and they all sided with my sister and her partner (who has since left the country ) i felt left out and they all convinced themselves they were justified in all respects.
i have defended my partner on every occassion since ,it took ages for me to talk to them again, but i did miss my family unit , i felt their actions were well out of character mostly and have since built up a better relationship if still a bit wary of them at times. i dont want to blame my partner for any of this as i saw him act dignified along the way and it has been difficult for us both.
i just dont want a re run of all this drama again it was horrible and yes i dont like confrontation but even though my relationships with them are fine they will never be the same as they were ,i love my family no matter what but dont particularly like them all the time.a simple gesture was ruined and just got crazy out of hand which i though was completley unnecessary.
i understand my partner is right in most areas and standing up for oneself etc and i agree maybe im not so strong.but i would like us not to focus on individuls and the past because i cant change them ,its really up to them to apologise they know from me they have yet to do that still and their actions will never be met by a smile or let up on my behalf to the point htey dont bring it up now..i dont see my sister being mature because she is bitter about other things.
i see how wrong i am here also and probably selfish i suppose but i dont want to go through that again etc it is exhausting and negative beyond belief. i would prefer if we kept our heads high and just enjoyed the day without worrying what happened before because i just dont think its worth arguing in the long run over its only one day ,he doesnt ever see her anyway .
as one of u mentioned, if it was me that it happened to and i was in his position i too would be angry but if i felt it would lead a whole family into that kind of drama i would ignore them and get on with things it s not like id see them often anyway.
he wants to invite all his family and friends ...i feel ill be left with no one at this rate. if things dont improve i will have to bring it up and i know it will be a very difficult conversation .all i want is my little family of 3 to be happy and for my own family to act like they truely care but i feel thats not in my power .i really cant see how people cant just apologise for their actions when they know they were wrong it makes me angry too at times when i think of it. i cant understand what pleasure it brings to someone to cause deliberate hurt but maybe im totally naive.

Abi

I agree with everyone else here. It does look like it is you that just wants the problem to go away. You need to ask your sister to talk to your husband. This should have happened as soon as you began talking to the family, your husband and you are a family, a team.

On a side note, giving a pet to someone is a lovely idea, but they take a lot of commitment. Your parents should have returned the dogs to you if they didn't want them. Was your sister reluctant to give the dog to you? Trying to understand how that turned into a year long family feud tbh.

Anyway, it's time to take the bull by the horns and deal with this, for once and for all.

username123

Never give someone a pet - its a terrible idea. Pets arent material items to be used as gifts imo. Imposing responsibility for a living creatures life on someone as a gift is not appropriate, again, imo.

However, I kind of fail to see how any of this escalated, Im not really sure why your partner was livin - surely if you give a gift what the person does with it is their own business?

However, aggression and ugly behaviour is out of order and at this stage your husband deserves your support.

Calhoun

taylor999 wrote: »

he wants to invite all his family and friends ...i feel ill be left with no one at this rate. if things dont improve i will have to bring it up and i know it will be a very difficult conversation .all i want is my little family of 3 to be happy and for my own family to act like they truely care

OP there are other points i want to discuss but first thing first, i would ask the question do you really want your unit of three to be happy? In your original post it came across as very much like you were only concerned about your side of things (i.e your father being godfather and your partner sucking it up) and then again in the above you post in a way that suggests its a competition or that you will be losing out because your family wont be there.

I would really ask the question why would you want to have anyone there that is unpleasant or horrible to you? what do they bring to the day other than optics? If it was me i would only have people there who were happy for my, my partner and child.

Moving away from this point a couple of questions;

1. How ugly did things get are we talking violence or just arguements? I mean not that it matters but it would explain why he maybe reluctant to forgive her;
2. Are you sure you actually dont blame him for some of this, from the tone of your emails it looks like you have not really stood up to your family and he has pushed you into a corner to do so, you say he acted nothing but dignified but then blame him for how he confronted your parents? kinda contradicts what you were saying;
3. How important is your current unit of 3 compared to your older family, are you willing to break up over this? I ask this as it seems you are very reluctant to argue with your own family which is understandable but you want your own family to suck it up and get on with it so you can have the seemingly perfect day. This may not have an impact on you this time but what about the next time this happens? what will you do then will you (and trying not to be harsh) throw your family under the bus for the sake of an easy life?

I am not advocating that you go all hell for leather opposing your own family and drag out arguments but i would look at distancing yourself and cutting contact with them. Alternatively you could advise your partner that you will own and deal with the relationship with them on your own, so you do it all in your own time and he remains seperate in the process, i know this would be hard to do but it means you get to stay in touch with them and he doesnt have to deal with them disrespecting you.

Finishing up i know some of what i have said is harsh but i hope it will help put things into perspective, i see that you love your family and its easy for me to say to cut contact ect as im looking from the outside in but if you do not address this it will come back to bite your family of 3 in the long term.

jdsk2006

Op you painted a bit of an ugly picture for me there Im sorry to say. Iv no wish to hurt or upset you but based on what you have said I cant help but feel your family completely walk all over you. I get the impression your feelings and concerns are dismissed by them for so many years now that you have learned to adjust yourself to fit in with them and suppress any unhappiness you hold while your at it.
Stop trying so hard to fit in and be accepted by them. Back your partner, he is your future. Its probable he wil be your main source of support in life op

marizpan

We had a baptism last week. Only the godparents plus their partners where there. No one else and it was a great day. Relaxing and stressfree. The godparents came from my husbands side of family so none of my family there.
But I don't see it like you do. I have learnt that my family is my husband and kids. No one else. They are number one always. My sisters or parents, I don't consider immediate family. They are secondary.

You are putting your sister/parents before your own family. Not a wise way to start.

taylor999

its a lot more complicated and too long really for me to go into .i do agree with you all to support my partner i dont want to create resentment on his behalf towards me either .my sister knows his feelings towards her and she i know realises to some extent the damage that she has done .at the end of the day its up to her if she wants to be involved or not,we are not going to be asking for a grovelling confession or apology just a simple apology and we can all get on with things.whether she takes this on is up to her now.thanks for replies.

taylor999

read a few more of the comments here i missed out on. thanks for pointing out a few things to me i suppose i need my eyes open on this one ,as for being harsh on me ,maybe i need it too to see things differently too so thanks to everyone here it has been a help .

Calhoun

OP, its easy for us to sit here and give you advice from behind a computer screen, things dont play out so nice or are not so easily solved when it comes to put it into practice.

If i was to only allowed give you one piece of advice it would be to partner with your husband to come up with a solution and not to redirect your anger or fighting to him.

Good luck and i hope it works out well for you.

taylor999

thanks calhoun!! ill take ur advice last thing i want to do is upset him he is a great person and dont want to be upsetting him he is a wonderful partner and daddy .thanks so much x

mel1

Hi OP,

I have been in your sitution and in a way i still am.

For as long as i can remember dealing with my immidate family was like constantly walking on egg shells. It was as much due to my personalliy as it was theirs, everyone was wrong all of the time except in our own heads. I eventually had no choice only to just give up after years of exausting my self and my OH.
Crying, always being upset, depression set in then. I had my share of probs when i was young which was always draged back up when there was a family problem. That was the BIGGEST problem! They could never let the past stay in the past. Then find more immidate problems just to rub salt into the wounds like critise my parenting skills or say something nasty about my inlaws, which they made ememies of from the very beginning.
I cut my ties and we have never been happier.

Im not saying this is the answer for you but the stress that you are putting on your self must enourmous.
Sometimes after you have tried everything else you are left with no choice only to choose yourself and your own happiness. You will, i assume, have to choose the happiness and welfare of yourself, your other half and your child and believe me when i tell you how hard it is to deal with a relationship between grandparents and children, when you are invisable in the middle and it only gets harder as the kids get older.
If your relationship cannot be patched up to a degree with which you are happy with, without always being afraid that all it will take is one word from your mouth to bring back those hard feelings then you have a Big problem.

I do however have to ask myself if the issue with the dogs was just the beginning of the family break down or was there always an underlying problem of family issues. My family had big problems from the word go, wasnt just a 1 issue problem, yours may have been, if so if may well just be that ye all need to sit down and work out your issues like a mature bunch of adults, call a Parley if you will before the big day.

I hope for yourself and your husband and baby you get to work this out. If you cannot resolve it and are left always feeling like a child with your parents and siblings always in the back of your head upsetting you, that you can make the choices that you might not like to make but must for your OH as much as for yourself!