Fight with GF over her EX?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, long story short, I would like to post up my problem and get an opinion whether people believe I have taken the right attitude or actions given the circumstances

My current GF stopped all contact with her EX when she left him because during their relationship he abused her, not physically. He has been getting in contact with her (or trying to) the last while, without me knowing as she never said. One day long before any of this, she told me how he used to treat her and how bad he made her feel, and how she was glad to be away from him and with me

Fast forward to now. She is talking to him again. I wasn't too happy to hear this but she promised it would be as just friends and that he had changed. I passed no remarks and trusted her but it was only days until she came to me in tears. She told me how he started being horrible and asking her for rude pictures. I was a little angry with her, but I gave her benefit of the doubt, I consoled her and I told him if he didn't stay away from her or made her upset again he'd be answering to me, and I told him to stay away

Weeks passed and it's happened again. She came to me upset but I told her I can't have sympathy. I was far more hurt than she was. I said that it's her own fault for talking to him and that she knows what he is like and she still replies/talks to him, knowing what he is like. I said that as far as he goes, if she talks to him and gets hurt its her own business. I told her my position and that it is unfair and hurtful to me and that I refuse to give her sympathy over this. I told her to stop talking to him or else I'd be out the door.

I want to know was my action too harsh? I love her and care for her, but when it comes to this, and she relentless puts in for his **** and gets hurt, I don't want to and can't help her. Am I wrong? We're not talking at the minute and she twisted my words and states I said I don't care for her, when it's the direct opposite, I love her. I'm sick of telling her what I meant and reiterating myself, I have to put my foot down and tell her I can't sympathize when she goes and hurts herself. I also said it is ten times worse for me to see her talking to someone who abuses her and I am worried she maybe has feelings for him but she promised he is just a friend but she can't answer why she talks to him, she has no answer why and that is why I am angry and we are not talking.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated

blatantrereg

Well she's maintaining the horrible roadkill of a relationship she has with her ex. She's investing considerable emotion in it too. Then she is crying to you about how horrible it is. It's not "just friends" - it's definitely not in that context, regardless of whether there is any sort of sexual contact or not. He hasn't changed, though that is not even terribly relevant. It's not acceptable at all.

You can't tell people how to act. They either only do it because you "made" them and harbour resentment, or they just do it secretly, or they meet you with outright defiance. In any case you are taking responsibility for them, which discourages them from taking it for themselves. All you can do is accept it or not accept it. You could tell her it's clear that she's still emotionally invested in her ex, that the contact with him definitely isn't in the context of friendship, and that she might want to realise that. Then you can either dump her - or if you dont feel massive contempt for her by now (which I certainly would tbh) you can explain how you hope she can realise this, and perhaps question whether she is ready for a serious relationship.

Carriexx

Hi,

I do think you are correct , he treated her terribly and he lost her. And now she is letting him get back in with her and doing it again - I dont understand wy she doesnt just block his number? Why is she even getting back to him? I'm sorry to say this but may she still have feelings for him???
Hope it works out for you

ManOfMystery

I think you were reasonable enough OP. If someone keeps banging their head off a wall and then complaining that it hurts, they can't expect sympathy. Your gf is choosing to maintain contact with an ex who has a track record of making her feel rubbish, so it's totally unfair of her to come to you for sympathy and support when this behaviour repeats itself.

djimi

I agree with you; its hard to have sympathy for her. She knows what he is like yet she keeps going back for more. Either she wants to cut all contact with him or she doesnt; if she doesnt then I think you are well within your rights to question why. You are also well within your rights to be annoyed about her continuing to stay in contact with him, and she has no right to expect a shoulder to cry on every time it goes pear shaped.

Ellsbells

I suspect she is still in love with him op. why else would she be doing this?

ABajaninCork

She still has feelings for the ex, no matter how he treated her in the past, and is still doing so now. Doesn't matter WHAT she's told you - actions speak louder than words. You have shown great patience and understanding, but it's now time to cut your losses.

LegacyUser

OP if there's any way at all, get her to do some counselling. She has emotional / psychological issues which keep drawing her in. If she got help with these, she might have some hope for the future.

Otherwise, she'll probably go back to him.

Your stance is correct, just follow through on it. If she continues to see him when you've told her how it's damaging her and your relationship, you need to break up with her. It may bring her to her senses. Or not. But this can't go on anyway.

But try to get her to talk to someone.