Lost my love of my life

LegacyUser

Recently broke up the girl I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with yesterday. Feeling so lonely and just devastated really.
Ill make this short as possible. Together for 5 years ,both under 30yo. I messed up a lot throughout the 5 years but never actually cheated on her just stuff like talking to other women. I never had any intentions. Anyway recently I joined a hillwalking club and met a German girl who has similar interests and we got on well but I had no intimate intentions as I was happy with my gf. After a walk one Sunday I was asked by the German girl to go for a drink and I went but didn't tell my gf it was with just her. I said it was with other people from the club. Turns put a person my gf knew was at the bar watching me all night and reported back that I was courting. I can honestly say it was only friendship I had with this girl. Basically when my gf found out I got very little chance to explain. She left the family home and moved to her mums with the kids. I'm now in our family home alone and utterly devastated. She won't talk to me and only texts me. I want to see the kids but not allowed right now even though now is when I need my kids the most to help me through this. I'm completely alone And just lost my family to a stupid thing I did. As i said over the years I was prone to making a mistake or two and I wasn't perfect. I just don't know what to do and how to cope with this pain I'm feeling inside. I can't sleep and can't eat and have no one to talk to. I would welcome her back with open arms even though our relationship wasn't perfect (sex about once a fortnight) I still felt secure and happy. I'm not sure should I fight for her back or take the easy route and just move on.

Beta Ray Bill

Hi OP

Being honest with you, she sounds like a handful.
Leaving with the kids and not even giving you a chance to explain is a bit much.

We live a in a society where it is ok for men and women to socialize together (So long as it is just socializing and nothing else obviously)

I have lots of female friends that I see often enough and my partner doesn't mind. (I've been friends with them for a long time)

The long and the short of it is that she clearly does not trust you.
Relationships are based entirely on trust, and if there is none of that then it's difficult to see how there is a relationship

In relation to the kids
I'd be DEMANDING access. If you decide not to try and get her back then get a solicitor immediately.

Good Luck OP

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds dramatic that she would just up and leave with the kids taking her friend's word for it, without discussing it with you.

Or maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Or maybe she is angry at you for lying to her... (Again?) and just wants to make you realise what you risk losing.

Until she speaks to you, you can't really argue your case. For now, give her a little but of time. Take some time yourself to think about the things you have done throughout your relationship that you know upset her, or could upset her if she found out you lied.

I'm not saying you are 100% wrong and should never have female friends... But think about what has brought your gf to making this decision.

Is she justified? Or is she being dramatic?

DeltaWhite

IMO you shouldnt have lied.

Yes she did go a bit overboard leaving with the kids, and she probably is trying to hurt you just like you've hurt her! Women work in mysterious ways!!

I wouldnt take kindly to my OH going out for drinks with a girl and LYING about it, imagine how you would feel if you were in her shoes! She probably thinks now if her friend had not seen you, she would never have found out and probably wonders would it have happened again or led to something else! Best to give her some time to cool off...

Payton

You need to look after yourself here. Go to your GP and seek some help, have a look in your area for some sort of counseling for yourself on why you behaved in the past at the risk of losing your family.
You need to give yourselves time out here and see what you both want, go for walks, cycle, jog just get out of the family home and get active believe me it'd great to clear your head. Don't bombard her with texts and calls its the last thing she needs.
No relationship is perfect, it takes work, effort and communication. It's based on trust, love and honesty and to be honest I didn't see them in your post.
What ever the outcome of this, learn from it.
Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?
Best of luck.

Merkin

Sounds to me like it was the last straw for her. After previous indescretions did she tell you that there would be no more second chances? If so, then she is merely following up on her word (albeit in a dramatic fashion).

If it was entirely innocent (and only you will know that for sure) then you need to write a very heartfelt letter to your wife saying that it was innocent and that you merely didn't tell her in case she read too much into it.

I personally would have pretty much zero tolerance for a partner who was texting other women etc as I think it normally leads to other stuff if the opportunity presents itself. BUT you obviously love this woman and want to ger her back. I think you probably should go to couple's counselling as if she felt this is serious enough to up sticks and leave you then there is a lot of fence-mending to be done.

cloud_dancer

Without a back story on how you "messed up" in the past, it's difficult to tell if leaving you with the kids was justified or if she's being over dramatic. Cheating doesn't always have to be physical, it can be emotional too and if you are doing things that you are hiding from her then you know deep down that it's wrong. My cousin lost his fiancé through constant flirting and texting other girls but he never laid a finger on them. That was the second relationship he had that ended because of inappropriate flirting. Both were serious relationships, the first he had bought a house with the girl, the second he got asked to be his wife. They were both really nice girls too, far from drama queens. They just had enough. The best way you can gauge if it's ok behaviour is to ask yourself if you would be happy for her to be doing it.

What's done is done now and you need to give her some space to see what she wants. I think she'll need to see some changes from you before she takes you back. As Payton said, work on yourself, go to counselling and find out why you feel the need to do these things. If you don’t you risk bringing it into a new relationship. My cousin was devastated after both breakups. He knew he had been stupid but didn’t know why he was acting this way. He wouldn’t go to counselling after the first breakup and low and behold the same thing happened in his next relationship. You need to work on yourself to break this pattern.

Think about what you really want and need from a relationship. If you do get a second chance maybe you can both work on the things you feel are missing. I'm sure she's not fully satisfied with all areas of the relationship either so you can work on things together. Use it as an opportunity to make a fresh start. Whatever happens I wish you well.

LegacyUser

Hello,

Thanks for your replies ill take all the advice on board and plan to see GP Monday so I can sort myself out as I keep making these silly mistakes. Small mistakes but in the wider picture is big when added up. I don't blame her really and I want to fight for her back and these past few days have made me realise how much of an ass iv been. I feel like I'm so accident prone but not actual accidents just basically messing up a lot even though I love her. I think perhaps she did think I would have kept seeing this girl until a relationship developed although that was never my intention. Looking back I know I should have told her. I met her today briefly to show her how visibly upset I am and it seems I may get the slightest chance to redeem myself although her family are saying to not go back. ill take that chance if given and be a better person and try to stop this messing up I regularly do. As the poster above said about his friend losing two serious relationships over silly things I really do believe if i don't sort my act out somehow then it'll keep happening .

Thanks again