"Dating" my Fiance is this ridiculous to anyone else?

anxious79

Hi Everyone

I am a user here for sometime and I have got some great advice( and I hope given my opinion too) over the while I have been on here but I needed to go under a different user for this problem.

I am a lady in my early thirties – I got engaged at what I now consider the young age of 26 to a great lad – he was the best in the world but I later realised I wasn’t attracted to him when it was too late and we had invested almost ten years in each other. We had planned and paid for a wedding, bought a house and all the rest. He took it so well when things ended and things are very civil – we still chat over the house cos we have to of course, so that keeps us in contact, but have never had a bad word between us. There was never a falling out, just probably a mutual agreement that we grew apart and couldn’t force things.

I did my own thing for a year or so them met another guy. He was everything my ex wasn’t but nothing that my ex was if that makes sense. I suppose in many ways he was the bad boy. I was attracted to him cos of his carefree attitude and sense of fun, but yet his sense of responsibility was yet to be found to put it nicely, even though he was older than both my ex and I. Put simply I enjoyed doing nothing with him, staying in bed all day, not making a plan, deciding last minute to go away for the weekend – everything seemed like fun. After a year and half ( which brings us to last April) we picked out and started paying off an engagement ring but we told no one. All went well for a couple of months or so then to make things simple we had two blazing rows after another in a space of 2-3 weeks and took a break. After one of the rows he received a text that was meant for my sister slating him, saying my friends all hated him, said I could do better then him, that my I picked up on mam and dad not liking him etc. Yhat resulted in more or less the end of things. We met and had a chat and decided that was it - no going back and to take a break for month or so.

An exact month later he texted me saying I never showed up at the agreed point and place in time...??? He claimed we agreed to meet at same time and place a month later and that he devastated I didn’t show. I never agreed to such thing but I suppose that was his way of making contact. After a few weeks of carefree texts we agreed to start spending time together and see if we could build from there.

That was in early August and this is now October. All we do is meet once maybe twice max a week for ...wait for it.....cinema, or bowling or bag of chips. There is very little of not any holding of hands, maybe a peck on cheek at the end of the night. Three weeks ago I brought up the subject saying how does he think we getting on? He said he felt things going well I said I agree but cant do this teenage meeting thing anymore. He was very much like” ah sure things going well, why rush things”. I said we need to make a few moves to bring us back to somewhere like where we were – like meet friends again, the odd sleep over. He said yeah, ok, but things are now worse to be honest. In my opinion this is just bizarre considering we were practically engaged. Texts have cooled off, and when he does text its just so predictable – a hello text when he knows im in bed late at night, nothing spontaneous. Now I can go couple of days without hearing from him, when this never really was the case before.

The part I am not sharing is that I love this guy so much despite him being an ass. I cant get over him and think of him all the time. He is the first if not only person I really really loved. A while ago when we met up he actually said he would get the money back off the ring until we ready to make a decision cos he was out of work. This broke my heart. The tears are rolling down my face as I am writing this. I am a professional person and should know better than to feel like this but its starting to affect my job and my attitude towards it. I was always the more assertive person in the relationship and for that reason, rows were often attributed wrongly to me starting them.

I cant go on like this – meeting once a week - its madness – I met teenage boyfriends more often in fact. I know you will say forget him but I cant its not as easy as that. Should I just go for broke and have the chat again and risk it all? Maybe it has all faded away and just needs to be called off but who is the done to do that so. I do love him – should i just go for it and tell him how I really feel see if that gets me anywhere? Im not sleeping over it in recent weeks and am really really down

I really appreciate any of your thoughts and advice -thanks so much for reading thins

Reesy

Hmmm, well, in my ignorance, maybe he's still sore at that text (in which case a proper heart-to-heart would help, probably) or he's no longer that into you (in which case you're best to find out sooner rather than later).

Or putting it another way, do you have any evidence that if you leave things as they are now, they are likely to improve?

Incidentally, what do your friends think of him? Often, friends opinions are valuable IMHO.

Good luck, and I'm sorry for your pain.

keesa

Do you ever contact him yourself? Why not try to fight for it? Get into a conversation over the texts or anything you feel you did to hurt the relationship and tell him how you feel about the things he did? Tactfully though so as not to do more harm than good

LegacyUser

I know several couples who broke up and got back together. Some of these couples got married after a period of time.
You have been meeting him once a week for the cinema, a bag of chips ect since August.
Meanwhile he rings you once every couple of days and when you brought this up he told you were grand as we are.
Could I ask has he got a new job yet or is he still looking for work? If he is short of money he may feel he can't go out with you more often or get engaged until he is working.
I can understand that you really like him as he is not like your ex and because he was carefree and relaxed. At the time the change was nice but now you have given him almost 2 years of your life and you want to know where you stand.
I would tell him that you are unhappy with the way things are between you. I would ask him are you really his girlfriend or is he using you when the lads are not around? I would also ask him if he really wants to go out with you? If he brushes you off again I would tell him that it is over as you have given him months to change things around between you but that he is unwilling to make any effort to move things on between you. He should want to contact you, meet you and be trying to sleep with you by now.
I know that this could be hard for you but I have seen woman wasting years waiting for a man to grow up. You are now in your early 30's and I am sure that you would like to get married or have a family in the next few years. You need to be with someone who wants the same things as you not with a man who is unwilling or unable to grow up.
I watched a friend of mine in a situation like yours for a few years but she relaised they were going no where long term and she ended things with him. She started going out again with friends ect and one night she met a man. In time she told him about her ex and that she wanted to get married and have a family. He wanted the same as her. She is now married with a family. I am telling you this so that you don't waste time on a man who is unwilling to understand what you want in life.

Neyite

It sounds to me like he loves you but is re-evaulating the relationship and has decided to get to know you better - after all you were on the brink of getting engaged and he finds a few home truths from your side that are hard to swallow.

He realises that the family that he potentially wants to marry into dont like him, nor do your friends, and when you consider a lifetime of that, its daunting.

You are in your early thirties, and I wonder is he trying to see if you are with him for the relationship-because you love him, or is it that you feel you are at the age you should be settling down. I'd be thinking twice about spending the rest of my life with someone who calls me names and sends texts discussing how disliked I am by the important people in his life.

So, if you love him, let him take it at his pace.

Taltos

Maybe he is also picking up on your current view of him.
Calling him an "ass" here without any evidence to this shows a lack of respect.
Could be your lack of respect, your families, your friends is just too much for him and he is giving you one last chance - at least this way he can say he tried.

In his shoes I think I wouldn't be trying again - with everything else - lack of work and the stress that brings as well as potentially the knock to his self-esteem I would actually be recommending him to surround himself with people who genuinely care for him, not those that judge him.

Also - I am unsure to your opening about your prior ex and being engaged before? What has that relationship to do with this one? Or is everyone judging this ex against your first ex?

Merkin

After a year and half ( which brings us to last April) we picked
out and started paying off an engagement ring but we told no one.

OK, if you don't mind me asking you, did this man actually propose to you? It seems like you are very anxious to get married and that's ok but even your thread title is "Dating me Fiance" when he's not really your fiance anymore, he has said he even wants to leave the ring back due to unemployment

All went well for a couple of months or so then to make things
simple we had two blazing rows after another in a space of 2-3 weeks and took a break. After one of the rows he received a text that was meant for my sister slating him, saying my friends all hated him, said I could do better then him, that my I picked up on mam and dad not liking him etc. Yhat resulted in more or less the end of things.

This is hardly a surprise. If I'd discovered while engaged to my now husband that he thought he was too good for me and everyone around him hated me then I can't begin to imagine the hurt and confusion I'd feel. Words that sting can't be taken back.

As such, I'd say his feelings for you must run quite deep and you in turn are lucky that he is even giving you the time of day. The fact now that you are trying to railroad him into everything falling back into place shows that you're not really listening to him or considering him in all of this. He wants to take it slow and I can see why. You on the other hand seem to want to shoehorn him into being your fiance right away and everything being apparently rosy again.

If I were you I'd respect his wishes to date you and re-establish yourselves as a couple and see where it leads. It requires baby steps and you really need to put yourself in his shoes and see where he's coming from as well as the hurt he must have felt and allow him to call the shots for a while. You say this has been the situation since August. That's only a few weeks ago. If it was a couple of years down the line and he was buying the occassional bag of chips then I'd say yes, have a word with him but this is all still very raw and I reckon you should be pleased he's giving you the time of day to be honest. You need to suck this one up for a while and not put any pressure on him.

daisybelle2008

Hi OP,
I would agree with some of the points the points raised by the Neyite and Taltos. I would seriously question yourself about how much you 'love' this guy as you want to change so much about him.

Firstly I am not sure why you needed to bring up so much about your past relationship, it seems you can't help drawing unfavourable comparisons, why the need to keep comparing the two?
You go on about the carefree attitude and sense of fun attracting you to your new boyfriend but complain (and compare) his lack of responsibility and his not wanting to settle down to your timeline.

The text you sent seems to say 'I don't like you the way you are and neither do my friends and family, why can't you be like my first boyfriend and jump to my tune'
I would say while the arguments may not seem to be your fault, the are borne out of your frustration with him being himself and not the attentive fiancée of your dreams. The irony is you find his 'rebellious' bad boy side physically attractive. I would say if he started acting like guy A you would lose this lust.

I think you may be confusing 'lust' and 'love'. The drama and back and forth is keeping that alive. I would say you need to step back. Consider that text you sent and this post. You are not happy with him being himself and so badly want to change him, that has become a project for you. One you think will make you happy.

He is out of work and needs money, that is clearly a priority over this 'engagement ring' deposit. How can you not see that?. And you want him to move things along and start meeting friends, are these the friends you said all hate him in your text? If so I can see why he is not chomping at the bit on that one.

Maybe stop trying to mold him into Mr white picket fence and see if there really is genuine love for him there, beyond the battle to have him change. And stop calling him an 'ass' for a start, you really are not in a position to be slinging names like that.

Esoteric_

Op, I don't mean to be harsh, but after that text you accidentally sent him, you're extremely lucky he's even speaking to you at all. :eek:

I was in a terrible relationship where all my friends and family hated my boyfriend, but I would never have dreamt of discussing that over text with anyone, or discussing it at all with anyone who wasn't directly involved. It sounds as though you were hurt and angry and sent an extremely nasty text that was meant for a friend.

Be realistic, OP. If that's how you talk about this guy who you say you love, is it any wonder your family and friends don't like him?? You even slated him in here, calling him names, with nothing to back it up with.

Honestly, I think you're an extremely lucky woman to be even getting a chance from him after that text. Instead of insulting him and comparing him to your ex (which you most certainly ARE doing, whether you acknowledge or realise this or not), how about you actually do as he asks instead of trying to force him to do what you want?

Pippy1976

To answer your question, I don't think it's ridiculous that your fiancee wants to take things slow. He's, obviously, been hurt and needs time.

What's the rush here? I think it sounds so romantic going for little dates... it's not done enough any more. He should be commended here OP not ridiculed, or called an 'ass' (really harsh by the way). You had two blazing rows, it's time to slow down, take stock and enjoy this time together.

ash23

Honestly, I think he is your rebound. He is everything that was lacking in your ex and he offers the kind of relationship that you didn't have with your ex.

Your ex was stable and boring with no passion. He is all passion but totally feckless.

I think it's run it's course. You needed someone like him to see what you were missing but essentially, you want something more in the middle of him and your ex. Someone who is sensible and settled and can offer you marriage and security while also being fun and spontaneous at times. A balance, because I think you sound like that kind of person. Sensible and mature but wanting a bit of fun and romance too.

But this guy is the opposite end of the spectrum to your ex and it doesn't sound like he can or will offer you the sensible and secure side of things.

So my advice would be, end it and go on your way, having taken a little bit of the relationship with you, the fun bit, that you want for yourself. And take the bit of your relationship before that, the settled bit, and keep both in mind when you get into another relationship.


I had a number of brief, doomed relationships when I was rebounding. And while none were right for me, there was a bit of each relationship that gave me clarity as to what I did want for myself from a relationship. Each one was a lesson learned.

Hope that makes sense.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to figure out what's your rush?

- is it the fact that you really really love him and know with absolute certainty that he is the one person you want to live the rest of your life with?

- or is it that you think you are in your early thirties that your time is running out and you need to be settling down.

Put yourself in his shoes - obviously we don't know the extent or the content of the rows, but that text alone... If you had received it in error from him, would you be in a hurry to get things "back to normal".

The only way to sort this out is talking to him. Openly and honestly. Don't talk at him. Talk to him. Listen to him. You're probably not 100% at fault for the rows, but you are absolutely the only one to blame for that text and your general opinion of him.

anxious79

Thanks so much everyone for your time and replies they mean a lot and some of you made some fair points. I failed to mention that he still lends his ex his car but gets annoyed if someone, anyone who he thinks is my ex texts me. He threw his phone across the room in temper one night even we tried to trash things out
I lost a college friend cos he went psycho on her at another friends wedding quizzing her and then everyone about my ex before, what happened, if he so good why we break up..etc. She has now blanked me from her wedding cos of way he spoke to her. He is far from perfect in this so maybe now some of you can see why I called him an ass. He has made no contact in last two days as its all mind games. When he last texted to get me ring him with my credit its all about him. I have had pleuresy.a reoccurring thing in fairness and he didn't once ask or text to see how I was. When he did make contact or was all about his sport.and work probs....didn't even ask how I was. Sorry if I painted him in rose coloured glasses

CarMe

anxious79 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone for your time and replies they mean a lot and some of you made some fair points. I failed to mention that he still lends his ex his car but gets annoyed if someone, anyone who he thinks is my ex texts me. He threw his phone across the room in temper one night even we tried to trash things out
I lost a college friend cos he went psycho on her at another friends wedding quizzing her and then everyone about my ex before, what happened, if he so good why we break up..etc. She has now blanked me from her wedding cos of way he spoke to her. He is far from perfect in this so maybe now some of you can see why I called him an ass. He has made no contact in last two days as its all mind games. When he last texted to get me ring him with my credit its all about him. I have had pleuresy.a reoccurring thing in fairness and he didn't once ask or text to see how I was. When he did make contact or was all about his sport.and work probs....didn't even ask how I was. Sorry if I painted him in rose coloured glasses

And why do you want to marry this man?

Big Bag of Chips

You didn't paint him in rose coloured glasses.. but the fact that you started a thread about him and how you're fed up with 'dating' him again, and upset that he wants to get the money back off the engagement ring led people to believe, rightly or wrongly, that you love him and want to spend your life with him.

Do you?

If not, then break up. Cut your losses and move on. You don't have to settle for someone you're so unhappy with, just because you're early 30s.

If you do, then you need to address your problems with him. Accept that he is who he is, and you won't change him. And then decide you are happy to spend your life with him anyway. But, if you do that, you have to stop speaking about him negatively. You are the one to make the decision. You don't have to be with him. If you choose to, then you can't spend your life pissed off at him because he's not perfect.

Edit: For what it's worth, I think you just want to be married. You don't want to be 'that' girl who is always engaged and never married. I think what is upsetting you most is the thought of breaking another engagement rather than the thought of breaking up with him.

Are you really willing to sacrifice the next 50-60 years of your life just to save face?

Merkin

You'd really want to be clear on how you feel about him before throwing down the whole marriage gauntlet.You came on saying you're crying all the time because you love him so much (or maybe it's just the idea of him, a fiance) and then proceed to list his character flaws and misdemeanors....seems like you don't even like him that much.

You really would want to have a good think about what it is you want (clearly to get married) but also realising that you can't just enter into a marriage by hook or by crook when you mightn't even LIKE the other person that much.You also seem hung up on your previous ex, was it him that instigated the break up?

daisybelle2008

anxious79 wrote: »

Thanks so much everyone for your time and replies they mean a lot and some of you made some fair points. I failed to mention that he still lends his ex his car but gets annoyed if someone, anyone who he thinks is my ex texts me. He threw his phone across the room in temper one night even we tried to trash things out
I lost a college friend cos he went psycho on her at another friends wedding quizzing her and then everyone about my ex before, what happened, if he so good why we break up..etc. She has now blanked me from her wedding cos of way he spoke to her. He is far from perfect in this so maybe now some of you can see why I called him an ass. He has made no contact in last two days as its all mind games. When he last texted to get me ring him with my credit its all about him. I have had pleuresy.a reoccurring thing in fairness and he didn't once ask or text to see how I was. When he did make contact or was all about his sport.and work probs....didn't even ask how I was. Sorry if I painted him in rose coloured glasses

You didn't paint him in rose coloured glasses. You don't have to update your thread with a list of negative points in some tit for tat fashion. You only add to people's confusion about what your doing with him?

You really don't seem to like or respect him. I would say his jealousy of your ex and him asking if it was so good why did you break up, is something people picked up in your opening post. Whether you care to admit it, you want this guy to behave like your ex and give you that security and you are frustrated he is falling short of your cosy settling down fantasy.

You had the security and settled relationship with your ex cut clearly lacked the sexual chemistry. Sure he is no angel but just because you fancy this guy doesn't mean you need to make him marry you.