partners parents destroying our lives

weatherbyfoxer

hi everyone,i have an issue that is starting to ruin my life and would like to know what other people tought

summer 2010 i preposed to my girlfriend on holidays abroad,she accepted and we flew home to break the news to familys and friends.everyone was delighted and then we set a date which no one had a problem with.so both my partner and myself sat down and planned which church and hotel we would go for...thats when the trouble started..her parents got very offended that they coulnt pick the church and here father said that he will not go and that she needs to open her eyes to me that i am bullying her and i dont care about her...now i will give some info on her
mother and father
her father had an affair on her mother when my partner was 15, both her parents made it my partners job to cover up conversations,look after her younger sister ,do the house work,cooking..etc,they basicly put her through hell untill she broke down with depression,they have always tried to control her like telling her she was in the wrong job she should be at home,ringing the garage when she bought her first car stopping them from selling it to her.

but what kills me in all this is how much it gets to her and she just wants to give in to them .i feel that we should get on with our own lives and and not be dictated by them she now wants to cancle our wedding because of the way they are acting which makes me feel like i made a fool of myself preposing,i have done everything i can to support her and stand by her but i just cant be controled by her parents...should i walk away? or am i being to harsh?

Chucky the tree

If your partner isn't willing to tell them to get bent then I'd seriously reconsider staying together. Have you asked your partner if she'd be willing to cut them out? Always amazed to read threads from people who are treated like **** by their parents but feel some compulsion to do what they say and keep in touch. If your gf can't put her foot down now, she never will. What happens when/if you have kids and some issues comes up(which it will) with her parents? She'll simply be bullied into doing what they say and you won't have much option but accept it or leave. Time now to decide if your happy living the rest of their lives with this kind of interference or not.

weatherbyfoxer

thats what i have been thinking but would i be unfair asking her to cut them out? her father had a serious illness last year which looks to be reoccuring...realy tearing my hair out here!..we are together 4 years next month and have never broken up!

MrTsSnickers

Have ye both talked about it? Aside from caving to let the chose the wedding venue (which will inevitably lead to more problems down the line). What does she think is the best course of action (aside from caving)? Surely she knows they treat her and you badly?

rainbowtrout

weatherbyfoxer wrote: »

thats what i have been thinking but would i be unfair asking her to cut them out? her father had a serious illness last year which looks to be reoccuring...realy tearing my hair out here!..we are together 4 years next month and have never broken up!

he might have had a serious illness but that hasn't stopped him trying to control your girlfriend's life.

How far will this go? Is your girlfriend saying by cancelling the wedding that she can't marry you because she's getting too much hassle from her parents? You need to find this out. And even if you capitulate on the wedding plans, what other hassle will you endure down the line? Are you (and your girlfriend) willing to put up with this for other details of the wedding? For where you choose to live and how you decorate your home? For any children you might have and the way you choose to raise them? This needs to be nipped in the bud now, and you need to sit down with your girlfriend and talk this through, not just the immediate consequences of her actions and her parents actions, but future effects too.

Even if your girlfriend doesn't want to cut them out of her life completely, she can keep them at arm's length. Only call to them when she feels like it, have little or no contact otherwise. Keep the details of the wedding to a minimum. If they start causing trouble again 'we're not going if we don't get to choose the church/venue etc' Just nod, smile, agree and go 'No problem, it's unfortunate you won't be able to make it on the day, we will let you know how we get on' Don't rise to their demands. You both have to be united on this though. While they sound like nasty pieces of work, they will only continue to control your girlfriend's life and by extension your life through her, if she lets them.

Merkin

If I were in your shoes, I'd grab my fiancee, both your passports and feck off and get married somewhere special with just the two of you. They don't deserve to be part of such an important day. She does also need to realise though that marrying you means that you will then be her family and you'll have to work as a team without interference from them - do you think she grasps that?

weatherbyfoxer

my girlfriend just keeps saying to me that their her parents at the end of the day and that i dont know know hard it is because my parents are happy once we are happy.its gone to the stage now that when i try talk about the problems her parents are causing she either says "i dont kno what to do" and changes the conversation or just doesnt say anyting at all

Chucky the tree

weatherbyfoxer wrote: »

thats what i have been thinking but would i be unfair asking her to cut them out? her father had a serious illness last year which looks to be reoccuring...realy tearing my hair out here!..we are together 4 years next month and have never broken up!

You could stick on for awhile if the illness is looking terminal I suppose. Atlough that leaves the Mother and if she is as bad it still wouldn't be fixed. At the end of the day it's looking like she either cuts her parents out or you. could just ask her what she thinks about the idea of lessening contact with them and see how see re-acts.

Merkin

weatherbyfoxer wrote: »

my girlfriend just keeps saying to me that their her parents at the end of the day and that i dont know know hard it is because my parents are happy once we are happy.its gone to the stage now that when i try talk about the problems her parents are causing she either says "i dont kno what to do" and changes the conversation or just doesnt say anyting at all

Well that's not really facing up to the issue at all is it? Does she have any inkling that you're contemplating leaving her at this stage? If not then I think you really need to sit her down and talk this through extensively and tell her just how serious an issue this is. If you take her on you're also going to be taking on her control freak family and it may be a case of establishing what is and isn't acceptable before taking that on.

rainbowtrout

weatherbyfoxer wrote: »

my girlfriend just keeps saying to me that their her parents at the end of the day and that i dont know know hard it is because my parents are happy once we are happy.its gone to the stage now that when i try talk about the problems her parents are causing she either says "i dont kno what to do" and changes the conversation or just doesnt say anyting at all

She's just kicking the can down the road. You have got to make sure she understand that you can't live like this and that if she chooses to go along with her demands that it will end up having a detrimental effect on your relationship with her, to the point that there may not be a relationship. Not in an ultimatum sense but it will wear you down where you don't want to be in that situation anymore.

Merkin

rainbowtrout wrote: »

She's just kicking the can down the road. You have got to make sure she understand that you can't live like this and that if she chooses to go along with her demands that it will end up having a detrimental effect on your relationship with her, to the point that there may not be a relationship. Not in an ultimatum sense but it will wear you down where you don't want to be in that situation anymore.

Totally. And you're better finding out now whether it's going to be sustainable than a couple of years down the line and a couple of kids in tow. In fact if you have a chance at making this work it would be to live as far away from them as possible to minimise on the influence they have over your lives.

Reesy

Merkin wrote: »

If I were in your shoes, I'd grab my fiancee, both your passports and feck off and get married somewhere special with just the two of you. They don't deserve to be part of such an important day. She does also need to realise though that marrying you means that you will then be her family and you'll have to work as a team without interference from them - do you think she grasps that?

Sounds like a great idea - except that IMHO you should suggest it to your fiancee, and make sure she is 100% happy with it, get her to tell her parents even. If she is not 100% behind it beforehand, they'll use that to drive another wedge between you.

And yeah, I agree with the other posters, in the end your fiancee needs to choose you over her parents, or the marriage is doomed to misery.

weatherbyfoxer

thanks to everyone who posted...ye are reinforcing what i had in my head.i have done my best to exsplain to her that she will end up having to chose between her future with me or continuing here past with them controling her whole life...but she doesnt repliey to what i say and just shows me her patches of sorisis on her arm and tells me "look what all this stress is doing to me!"

P. Breathnach

OP, what you have brought here is your problem. That's not a criticism: there isn't much else you can do.

But I think your fiancée has a bigger problem, and I suspect that it is not one from which she can easily escape. Her parents seem to have a psychological hold on her that she can't just shrug off.

Understandably, you want her to commit to you in preference to parents that you see as abusive. I imagine that the last thing she needs is for you to become strongly assertive (which she might see as domineering).

I am disturbed by your explicitly asking if you should walk away. Do you love her? Do you love her enough to work with her on emancipating herself from her parents' dominance?

Cancelling the wedding might be her short-term way of extricating herself from the predicament in which she finds herself. Can you agree to that, and tell her that you want a wedding - the one you and she want, not her parents' version - when she is able to stand up more strongly to parental pressure?

weatherbyfoxer

walking away from her is the last thing i want to do,i love her more than anyone but im at my wits end trying to resolve this and unfortunlity she doesnt seem capable of talking much about it....i am post her to get opinions from people the can read my post and sit back a give there toughts on what they see...her parents have damaged her mentaly and i would realy like to get through this with her and go ahead with our plans..but still keep my own mental healt intact which i slowly fraying from the situation

Have you suggested she get counselling so she can talk to someone impartial about it? This issue will keep rearing its head if it's not resolved, particularly when you come home to find xyz happening to your children and you don't get to say a word about it. etc etc.

Being willing to stand by your partner is one thing, but if you have made an effort and she isn't willing to talk about it, go seek help about it... at the end of the day, you can't live your life for someone else who won't lift a finger.

I will say again that you should try convince her to go talk to someone.

HeyThereDeliah

weatherbyfoxer wrote: »

hi everyone,i have an issue that is starting to ruin my life and would like to know what other people tought

summer 2010 i preposed to my girlfriend on holidays abroad,she accepted and we flew home to break the news to familys and friends.everyone was delighted and then we set a date which no one had a problem with.so both my partner and myself sat down and planned which church and hotel we would go for...thats when the trouble started..her parents got very offended that they coulnt pick the church and here father said that he will not go and that she needs to open her eyes to me that i am bullying her and i dont care about her...now i will give some info on her
mother and father
her father had an affair on her mother when my partner was 15, both her parents made it my partners job to cover up conversations,look after her younger sister ,do the house work,cooking..etc,they basicly put her through hell untill she broke down with depression,they have always tried to control her like telling her she was in the wrong job she should be at home,ringing the garage when she bought her first car stopping them from selling it to her.

but what kills me in all this is how much it gets to her and she just wants to give in to them .i feel that we should get on with our own lives and and not be dictated by them she now wants to cancle our wedding because of the way they are acting which makes me feel like i made a fool of myself preposing,i have done everything i can to support her and stand by her but i just cant be controled by her parents...should i walk away? or am i being to harsh?

If you can walk away so easily are you sure you really love her?

Are you not doing the same thing her parents are doing making her take sides controlling her?

I know it's frustrating but imagine how she feels instead of thinking about yourself put yourself in her shoes for a minute, some people will always have a little fear (not right word ) of their parents and are reluctant to go against them.

Would ye consider going away the two of ye and get married, come home and tell them.

Calhoun

OP, this is not a trivial issue this is your wedding if you cannot do this event without her family trying to control you what happens in future events when you have kids?

I know your fiance might be reluctant to go against her parents but at stages we all have to stand on our own two feet.

I think that if you do go away and get married it could be a good tool to help you and your partner to make a break from her parents but this is meaningless if she doesnt understand that you are now a family unit and will need to work together as one and not let others control your lives.

weatherbyfoxer

we have talked about of goin away and getting married but there are 2 reasons why we havent decided to do it

1.its still letting her parents effect our orignal plan

2.we both agree that it would be unfair on
my parents as they have been very supportive to both of us,they would understand completely why we were doing it and woulnd have a problem with it but my fiencee and i both say it would be very hard on them and why shoud they miss out when the have not cause a problem

Calhoun

I see the prediciment. i think you may need to have a heart to heart with her and ask her where she sees your realtionship going. Move away from the conversation on the wedding this is a bit bigger than that and you both need to discuss where you are going.

Kimia

I would be very upset with my fiance here. The parents are not really the issue. Your fiance is not willing to upset her parents in any way, she would prefer to do whatever they say to the point of cancelling your wedding, without any regard for you or your parents and family. I would be majorly annoyed = this is supposed to be your partner and she's acting like a passive child.

Your partner appears to let her parents make all the decisions in her life - passively giving over control to them. If this is the way it's always been with them, why would you think anything would change?

She is also manipulating you into a particular role too, by showing you her arms and saying that this is stressing her out - she's actively trying to give control of her stress to you which is horribly unfair. She's allowing this to happen - it's not your fault and don't let her make you feel like this is something you're doing to her.

LegacyUser

I would speak to your girlfriend about where she see's her relationship going with you.
I would tell her that as a couple you both need to be in a position to make decisions in regards to when you will married, where the wedding will take place ect.
You also need to be in a position to decided where you will both live and if and when you will have a family in the future.
At this stage your girlfriend needs to stand up to her parents. They have ground her down with there behavior since she was 15. It was easy to agree with them rather than stand up to them in the past but at this stage she has to realise that unless she stands up for herself now there is a strong possibility that your relationship will end.
Her parents will keep bullying her in the future if she does not stand up to them now.
I would tell her parents that you are getting married in such a place on such a date and they are welcome to come to the wedding but if they don't you will tell every one during the speeches we were sorry that ( her parents name) are not here as we did invite them but they did not wish to come.
I am sure that the parents won't want there relations, family ect to know this. If her father is the one who calls the shots his wife well tell him I am not missing her wedding due to you.

rainbowtrout

fab lady wrote: »

I would tell her parents that you are getting married in such a place on such a date and they are welcome to come to the wedding but if they don't you will tell every one during the speeches we were sorry that ( her parents name) are not here as we did invite them but they did not wish to come.
I am sure that the parents won't want there relations, family ect to know this. If her father is the one who calls the shots his wife well tell him I am not missing her wedding due to you.

There's no need to do that. That's stooping to their level. The parents will probably just tell everyone 'Oh the wife was very sick, and we asked them to postpone/ asked the groom to make a speech on our behalf etc and they wouldn't. It would just be tit for tat and berating the parents to all the wedding guests lowers the tone of the wedding. It's supposed to be a celebration, not a bitching session and it's not fair to drag in the extended family, friends and neighbours. It would come down to a 'our word against theirs' situation, with half believing one side and half believing the other. If the bride's parents are that manipulative and controlling of her, they'd have no problem spinning a yarn to the extended family.

Better to just to acknowledge their decision not to attend if that's what they threaten and leave them to stew. They'll come around on their own as people would be gossiping about their absence without the bride and groom having to say a single word.

If they do brazen it out and not attend, better not to acknowledge their absence at all to the everyone attending. People are bound to ask the bride on a one to one basis and all she simply has to tell them is 'They decided not to attend' and leave it at that. No bitching, no badmouthing, let people make up their own minds.

looksee

This is not just about the wedding. Your girlfriend's inertia, apathy and unwillingness to accept responsibility is just the start. She allows her parents to bully her, she will not engage with you, what happens when you have a couple of children who need to be taught right from wrong? It will be 'easier' not to challenge them.

Forget the wedding for the moment - I totally agree that going away to get married will be allowing the parents to control what you do - and see if you can get your girlfriend to see a counsellor, or both of you go to a marriage preparation course, or a mediation service. You need to sort this before you go any further.