Was I right to be concerned?

angeleyes

A few months ago I brought my DD with me to an evening Mass and after Mass was in the sacristy with the priest and sacristan and priest as I was getting a Mass card. However, priest doesn't want to chat to me as adult/parent only DD and asks her questions that I am not entirely happy with. Child is confused and starts telling private family business (although not classified DD knows she is not allowed to do) - priest eggs her on and she keeps blabbing and I couldn't stop her. My DD is six years old.

What made me cross is that priest was trying to be her "best friend" and although we have nothing to hide I felt priest was ott in his questions to my DD. Of course I know there was nothing sexual in his "chat" but at the same time I was uncomfortable that he felt he was entitled to talk to a child as if he was her "bff" . Was I right to be concerned as a parent or are we taking things to extremes as a result of clerical abuse?

Peregrinus

To be honest, yes, you're over-reacting. This preist sounds well-meaing but awkward; most paedophiles are skilled and manipulative; they succeed in getting kids to like them, and to want to spend time in their company.

I suspect this priest feels that a priest should be friends with everyone, and even though he's not particular comfortable or clued-in when it comes to kids, he's determined to make the effort.

Deal with this in a low-key way. Don't "awfulise" it for your child, but make sure that she understands that if she is uncomfortable with any adult, she can talk to you about it and you will listen to her and look after her, without elevating anything into a traumatic drama.

Helix

what the hell is a DD?

littlejp

Helix wrote: »

what the hell is a DD?

Direct Debit

Obliq

littlejp wrote: »

Direct Debit

Brilliant, so true It's dear daughter (as well as direct debit) though, I think.

Obliq

angeleyes wrote: »

A few months ago I brought my DD with me to an evening Mass and after Mass was in the sacristy with the priest and sacristan and priest as I was getting a Mass card. However, priest doesn't want to chat to me as adult/parent only DD and asks her questions that I am not entirely happy with. Child is confused and starts telling private family business (although not classified DD knows she is not allowed to do) - priest eggs her on and she keeps blabbing and I couldn't stop her. My DD is six years old.

What made me cross is that priest was trying to be her "best friend" and although we have nothing to hide I felt priest was ott in his questions to my DD. Of course I know there was nothing sexual in his "chat" but at the same time I was uncomfortable that he felt he was entitled to talk to a child as if he was her "bff" . Was I right to be concerned as a parent or are we taking things to extremes as a result of clerical abuse?

Hope you don't mind me weighing in even though I'm not a Christian, but I feel for you here. Priest or no priest, I've always been uncomfortable with adults that aren't really known to me addressing my children when they were younger in a way that seems to be fishing for information about our family. Not that I have anything to hide, but as a parent, I like to choose who has what information and where to draw the line.

I agree with Peregrinus in that it seems show that the priest has little sense of how to be comfortable around people and may see it as trying to be friends with everyone. I see it as that awkwardness of not knowing how to approach people and some folk use children as an easier route to conversation with parents. Perhaps if you are in that position again, you could steer the conversation towards you instead - make eye contact, introduce yourself, if necessary, touch the person on the shoulder to bring them up from child height, etc.

To answer your question though, I think you have a right to be concerned (like I said, priest or not) when someone doesn't know about normal social barriers around your children - in my opinion, most people know not to start talking in a particularly personal way to unknown 6yr olds, even if their parents are with them. It is enough to make you feel uncomfortable and bring to mind issues such as child abuse. While that's not an easy feeling, I think you could just chalk it up to having met someone who obviously doesn't relate to grown ups well (perhaps lacks experience in the real world?) and finds the chatter of small children to be easier in a give/take conversation.

Onesimus

What was his questions? what sort of questions?

To be honest I think your post is evidence of how we have become a paranoid nation towards clergy whether Catholic or not. the media and social pressure on the Church really does have an effect upon the psychology of priests and lay people toward one another and it has kind of ruptured any relationship between the two.

The priest is still being seen as someone without sin, someone who, when he gets angry with you for whatever reason we immediately think ''he is meant to be holy, oh the scandal''.

Throwing stones at him for being stupid and asking nosey questions is pointless. He is no different than anyone else in society, I meet loads of lay people who are nosey and ask nosey questions to children.

Lantus

angeleyes wrote: »

A few months ago I brought my DD with me to an evening Mass and after Mass was in the sacristy with the priest and sacristan and priest as I was getting a Mass card. However, priest doesn't want to chat to me as adult/parent only DD and asks her questions that I am not entirely happy with. Child is confused and starts telling private family business (although not classified DD knows she is not allowed to do) - priest eggs her on and she keeps blabbing and I couldn't stop her. My DD is six years old.

What made me cross is that priest was trying to be her "best friend" and although we have nothing to hide I felt priest was ott in his questions to my DD. Of course I know there was nothing sexual in his "chat" but at the same time I was uncomfortable that he felt he was entitled to talk to a child as if he was her "bff" . Was I right to be concerned as a parent or are we taking things to extremes as a result of clerical abuse?

If it was anyone else would you be so slow to step in and correct his behaviour? These people dont have wives or family's or children and no one should be encroaching into a childs business that much.

There is too much reverence for people in positions of power in Ireland and the church is still one of them. We are far too quick to subvert our normal standards if 'certain' people are involved.

Dont be shy to step in and say stop to both parties. Its YOUR child and YOUR life. No one should take liberties like that.

Other wise you will be walked over and your integrity and family will be potentially damaged.

Rasheed

I don't think I'd be concerned in your position to be honest. He was obviously a nosy aul yoke and over stepped the mark with your child.

Just don't be afraid to step in and politely stop him or make sure he knows that the questions were inappropriate.

As Lantus said, it's your child and your business so just stop the conversation when you're beginning to feel uncomfortable, as you would with any 'normal' person.

Sulla Felix

What kind of questions?