Should i give my family a few quid?

LegacyUser

I recently settled a claim after I had a major accident that has left me with a permanent disabilty for the rest of my life.

Obviously i told my family about the award, which was 175k. Am I being really mean by not giving my family a few quid?

My injury will certainly hold me back career wise and I'm in my early twenties, I want to put this money away for a house to raise my kids in etc. Im pretty thrifty with my money, my parents, brothers and sisters are not and it would annoy me to give them money which i think they will spend on crap, whereas i will put the money to good use (and of course it is me who has to put up with the constant pain).

But on the other hand I feel so tight not giving them a few quid and i think should spread the love a little. There have been a few comments over the last few weeks from them but I just ignore them.

Am I being mean? Should i throw them some money...and how much?

DamagedTrax

while its not a HUGE amount of money it is quite substantial. i know i'd be paying off a few of the family's bills. a few thou each to immediate family could make for a nice breather, especially in this day and age.

but each family is different, you gotta ask yourself would they do it for you?

somairle

You haven't won the lotto or anything, this is effectively disability money. If you got a disability allowance you wouldn't give some of it to your brother every week to go drinking or something.

Put it away for a house or something. The dough isn't going to last you a lifetime

ABajaninCork

imweightless wrote: »

I recently settled a claim after I had a major accident that has left me with a permanent disabilty for the rest of my life.

Obviously i told my family about the award, which was 175k. Am I being really mean by not giving my family a few quid?

My injury will certainly hold me back career wise and I'm in my early twenties, I want to put this money away for a house to raise my kids in etc. Im pretty thrifty with my money, my parents, brothers and sisters are not and it would annoy me to give them money which i think they will spend on crap, whereas i will put the money to good use (and of course it is me who has to put up with the constant pain).

But on the other hand I feel so tight not giving them a few quid and i think should spread the love a little. There have been a few comments over the last few weeks from them but I just ignore them.

Am I being mean? Should i throw them some money...and how much?

I take a different view. This money is to account for the fact you will have a permanent disability and to make life easier for you. I'm assuming you'll be living for a good few years yet. It's not a windfall, and it's not great deal of money for what you've gone and continue to go through.

The money has been paid for this reason. What makes your family think they are in any way entitled to anything? How DARE they?? Especially as you seem to indicate they are not good with money.

I see this as the thin end of the wedge. You give them a bit of money now, and I guarantee they'll be back to the well, until it's all gone. Are they going to support and look after you if the disability gets worse? What are you going to do then?

I'm not mean and I'm not tight. But I think this is outrageous behaviour.

crazygeryy

first and foremost its an award for a disability so anyone that makes comments about how they didn't get anything, they are bang out of order.
yes i think you should give your parents something even a grand each its not much but its a token,( and besides your parents of all people should understand what the award means ). they did bring you up after all. that is my opinion and that is what i would do.as for anyone else no i would not give them anything tbh.
and if your feeling really guilty about the rest of them ,take them out to dinner and be done with it.

Dave!

I agree with above... I'd probably just take everyone out for a one-time expensive meal and enjoy yourselves. It's a nice gesture, even if it is disability money.

Be prepared for someone to eventually come to you and ask for a loan or somethin to help them get through a tough month financially. Might be hard to decline.

Might be worth talking to your parents and explaining your rationale to them (leaving out the part about your siblings being wasteful), in case any of them are mean-spirited enough to moan to them about you.

xzanti

imweightless wrote: »

Am I being mean? Should i throw them some money...and how much?

Zero!!

It's money that's been awarded to you to live on for the next few years.. Just because it comes in the form of a lump sum does not mean it's fair game for the vultures.. (sorry)

If you were on a weekly benefit would they expect you to start doling it out to them? I don't think so.. why should it be any different this way?

You need to break down what you have to live on per year/month/week from this sum.. and if they come looking for a loan, show them your calculations..

That aught to clear up any delusions they may have..

Best of luck and congrats on the claim.

Taltos

OP - not pulling a downer but you have no idea how your disability may get worse as you age.
This money might seem like a lot now but with treatments, equipment, emergencies it can and will quickly disappear.

Put it somewhere safe for your future - you were awarded it for future needs, not to treat or prop up anyone else.

I know it seems harsh but you have to think long term here and consider that in a few years you might need every penny you can get your hands on. Don't even consider loans if they approach you - that will be next - that is what a bank is for.
Get some advice on the best place to put it and inform the family that it is invested in one of those secure accounts where you cannot access it...

If they keep hinting I think you are going to be more direct here and will have to tell them to back off...

username123

No.
Invest it and if anyone comes sniffing for a handout or a loan tell them its in an investment that you cannot get at.

I might bring them out for a dinner if they weren't guilt tripping me
If they were, tell them to sod off (and that it's locked up in a secure account etc)
It might seem like loads now, but it could disappear pretty quickly - it's needed to support you later on, and you can bet they won't be giving you money if you fall short later on

tinkerbell

OP, your family are being greedy selfish a**holes. The money you got is a disability claim, not a lotto win. You have been left permanently disabled and have been rightfully compensated so that this can support you through being disabled.

When your family start being greedy money-grabbing gobsh!tes, I'd say to them - this is to compensate for my injury, you all still have your health which is worth far more than €175k and this money is for me to support me, not to give you people a free ride. And then tell them that their behaviour is appalling, they are trying to guilt an injured person into giving them a few quid, it's actually downright piss ignorant. And if they have been making comments to you, I wouldn't even bring them out for a family dinner. That money is YOURS, I would not give them a penny nor give them a loan - that's what the bank / credit union is for.

ManOfMystery

I agree with pretty much everybody above.

€175k is a big lump of money and enough to make a difference in your life, but at the same time - it's not that much. It's the value of a decent house, but it's not like winning €10m on the lotto. 175k could disappear very quickly if you're not careful with it. And as has already been said, this is not a lottery win or a windfall - it's effectively an upfront payment for the effects which your disability will have on your life for the duration of your time on this earth. Approach this situation as if it's a salary - would you give your family a couple of hundred from your wages every month just for the fun of it?

I can understand family values and loyalty, but unless one of your family really, really needs some money for a genuine emergency (sick child or whatever), then I wouldn't give them anything. And certainly don't be giving them any money if you suspect for a second that it's simply going to be wasted on drink, gadgets, and so on.

Take them out for a nice meal or a night out by all means, as a gesture, but don't start giving handouts. If one person get one, then the rest will expect one too and your lump sum will quickly begin to diminish.

Beruthiel

imweightless wrote: »

Am I being mean? Should i throw them some money...and how much?

Are you mad?
You're in your early twenties, if lucky, you could live another 60/80 years.
175k is not going to get you very far if you do not think wisely.
Invest it.
There are accounts you can lock money into for a few years with a good interest rate.
If that doesn't take your fancy, invest it in another way.
This is money that if you take care of wisely, will help you in later life/retirement.
At your age, that seems far off, but if you are smart with this money now, you will be very grateful of it later.
Do not flitter it away!
If anyone asks you for money, tell them it's locked into a high interest account and you do not have access to it for X amount of years.

ash23

It depends. When you were injured did they look after you? Help you out in any way? Did you need to stay with them to recouperate or did you need to rely on them financially at any stage while you were unable to work and were waiting for the payment to come through?

If so, then yes, you should give them something.
If not, then no, give them nothing.

ElleEm

Wow, I have to say I disagree with the other posters.

If I got that amount of money, I would most definitely give some to my family.
If you are concerned about your siblings being irresponsible with it, then wait til they're older or don't give them any. But I think it would be mean to not give your folks some cash.

Maybe it's just because I'm close with my parents, but when I can, I treat them with gifts. If I got ANY amount of money (claim/ lotto, etc.), I would share it with my parents.

As a matter of interest, do you still live at home?

ted1

On a different note, don't let a disability hold you back. There's plenty of successful people with disabilities. Just look at the recent Paralympics.

Keep your chin up and over come and obstacle put in your way.

shinikins

Not a nice position they are putting you in OP. I might consider giving my parents some, if they were the ones who had been looking after me when they injury occurred, but there isn't a hope in hell I'd be giving a penny to my siblings. After that, I would lock it away in a high interest account, and only use it for medical expenses. It isn't a lottery win, you need to be careful with this money, it's really very little when you spread it out over the next 60-70 years.

Lawliet

ElleEm wrote: »

Maybe it's just because I'm close with my parents, but when I can, I treat them with gifts. If I got ANY amount of money (claim/ lotto, etc.), I would share it with my parents.

That's easy to say but if you actually have a life long disability it's more important to think about your health and wellfare; hospital bills, medication, treatments, the time off work you might need to take etc.

If someone just came into a lump sum of money then of course giving back to your family is a lovely guesture to be encouaged, but money for a disability? It's not something to be wasted on unnesscary gifts and loans, and frankly anyone who would expect this kind of money to be giving to them doesn't deserve it at all.

iguana

Look at it this way OP. Assuming you live for another 60 years, which is very likely. This money is less than €3k a year. If you got a raise at work that netted you an extra €55 a week would you feel under pressure to give a portion of that money to your family? This money is to make up for the difficulties you will face for the rest of your life and stretched over your whole life it isn't that much at all.

If I was you I might follow Dave's suggestion of taking everyone for a nice meal, or maybe get them all something special for Christmas this year. But other than that I would keep the rest aside for my future. Even if you decide to keep the money somewhere that is easy for you access and move around as you choose, I suggest telling your family that you have put it into an investment account where it locked in for the next 3-5 years. That way if you do get requests from your family for it you have your excuse ready for why you just aren't able to give it or 'lend' it away.

ElleEm

Lawliet wrote: »

That's easy to say but if you actually have a life long disability it's more important to think about your health and wellfare; hospital bills, medication, treatments, the time off work you might need to take etc.

If someone just came into a lump sum of money then of course giving back to your family is a lovely guesture to be encouaged, but money for a disability? It's not something to be wasted on unnesscary gifts and loans, and frankly anyone who would expect this kind of money to be giving to them doesn't deserve it at all.

I actually do have a lifelong disability.... it doesn't change my stance!

username123

ElleEm wrote: »

Wow, I have to say I disagree with the other posters.

If I got that amount of money, I would most definitely give some to my family.
If you are concerned about your siblings being irresponsible with it, then wait til they're older or don't give them any. But I think it would be mean to not give your folks some cash.

Maybe it's just because I'm close with my parents, but when I can, I treat them with gifts. If I got ANY amount of money (claim/ lotto, etc.), I would share it with my parents.

As a matter of interest, do you still live at home?

Thats a lovely thought and I sincerely hope your family are equally as generous towards you.

To look at this from the opposite side, if someone in my family was injured and received a claim as part compensation for a life long disability I would absolutely refuse to take a cent from them because 175k is not a large enough sum of money to take care of them for the rest of their lives in light of the fact that they say their career has been affected.

For people in the family to show expectation of a hand out is just grossly greedy.

woodchuck

I certainly wouldn't feel obligued to give them money. Even less so if they're hinting at it!!

Like others have said, it's not as if you won the lotto or something. This is money to help you for the rest of your life, so it's not that big a windfall when you consider it in the long term.

If you wanted to do something nice then maybe you could bring everyone for a nice weekend away down the country or something as a gesture? I certainly wouldn't be writing out any cheques. MAYBE your parents, if they've been help to you financially or otherwise due to your disability. But even then I would've thought something like a grand is enough as a gesture.

CathyMoran

My family expected money when I had a personal injury claim - do not give them the money, it is for your future...mine spent mine.

padd b1975

Have they actually come out and asked directly for money yet?

LittleBook

imweightless wrote: »

There have been a few comments over the last few weeks from them

ElleEm wrote: »

If I got that amount of money, I would most definitely give some to my family.

Actually I agree with you ElleEm BUT my family would never dream of asking for a cut of a disability payment and I suspect yours wouldn't either ... that's why we'd even consider it. Catch 22

Ellsbells

Yeah exactly how did they ask you? Were these people who may be desperate for the money and dreading asking for help? How many people and how much?

You need to give more info.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

To answer some questions, I don't live at home, I have lived my partner for the last 4 years.

They haven't asked me for money, but have said things like "If I had that much money I would be giving some to my family" and from my siblings " you should give mam and dad some money" and comments like that. Out of the family I have the best job so they think I'm just set up now.

I have most it locked up in a high interest account, as I said I am fairly thrifty with my money and know what I'm doing.

I have a brother and sister and both my parents. None of which are under much financial strain as far as I know.

I think I'll maybe give my parents 1k each, they were helpful and supportive at the time of the accident and during the rehab and then leave it at that.

Pyr0

imweightless wrote: »

I have a brother and sister and both my parents. None of which are under much financial strain as far as I know.

I think I'll maybe give my parents 1k each, they were helpful and supportive at the time of the accident and during the rehab and then leave it at that.

I would give my parents or anyone in my family who who supported me after a serious accident a bit of money or maybe a nice gift but nothing massive.

rainbowtrout

imweightless wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.

To answer some questions, I don't live at home, I have lived my partner for the last 4 years.

They haven't asked me for money, but have said things like "If I had that much money I would be giving some to my family" and from my siblings " you should give mam and dad some money" and comments like that. Out of the family I have the best job so they think I'm just set up now.

I have most it locked up in a high interest account, as I said I am fairly thrifty with my money and know what I'm doing.

I have a brother and sister and both my parents. None of which are under much financial strain as far as I know.

I think I'll maybe give my parents 1k each, they were helpful and supportive at the time of the accident and during the rehab and then leave it at that.

That sounds about right. Personally I'd agree with everyone else and wouldn't give them anything, if your parents helped you out at the time, then a small gesture like you suggested is nice to say thank you. You are not obliged to give it to anyone else though.

If you live for another 50 years 175k will only give you 3,500 a year which isn't a huge amount if you have to pay medical bills at any time in the future, make any adaptations to your home or car for mobility (if it that type of disability) or if you are restricted from the type of employment you can do, therefore limiting your earning ability. It will buy you an average semi detached house if you want to secure a home for yourself, in Dublin it probably won't even get you that, but it could very easily be spent. If you start giving away money now, you will be seen as a soft touch and be guilted into 200 here and 500 there until it has been whittled away. You will always get the 'you're mean' guilt trip if you ever refuse, so you may as well refuse now and be done with it.

Keep the money, you will need it.

LegacyUser

175 k, as other people have said, is a large amount of money but certainly not a bottomless windfall to give away. What I think I would do, is designate 5 k for the family, so they have no right to feel aggrieved about not getting anything (even though it's your money and you shouldn't have to give them anything). Personally, if my son/sibling suffered an injury severe enough to warrant a payment so high, I wouldn't want to take a euro of it from him!

iusedtoknow

well i will tell you from the other side.

My sister got a similar amount 3 or 4 years ago for an accident. Did i see any of it? No. Does it matter to me? no
I've made my own way through life and doing pretty well, the accident threw her back by a couple of years (rehab etc) but has served as a nice way for herself and her husband to get a house, she is still able to work etc.

I think it would have put a barrier up between us if I had got any of the money. I know she helped out my little brother a bit through a shaky time financially, and she paid off the last couple of thousand on my parents mortgage - but aside from that she's done nothing else.

I would play it by ear, if one of your siblings or parents needed a leg up for some reason, then sure go ahead and help. But make sure that you yourself are comfortable as well.

Esoteric_

To be honest, I'd give my family something without question. However, each of our family's circumstances are different, and I have personal reasons for wanting to give my family money if I have a bit of a windfall.

OP, have they supported you, either financially or emotionally? If yes, I would honestly give them something, maybe help them pay off a debt or some bills (or if they have none, a holiday).

If they did pretty much nothing, then don't bother.

I had an accident a little over a year ago, and received a settlement from it. It wasn't a substantial amount like yours, because my injuries aren't permanent, but I was left in a lot of pain and with movement problems for several months after. While my parents were in no way financially able to support me, they supported me emotionally and looked after me, as well as lending me the money for my medical bills. In return, I gave them nearly half of my settlement money.

If I ever come into a large sum of cash again, I'd give them a large chunk of it without a moment's hesitation.

However, if your family weren't there for you, I wouldn't give them anything.

For the record, my mother and sisters asked for nothing. My father insisted that I owed him nearly double what I actually owed him for medical bills (I kept all receipts, but he didn't think I would because I'm scatterbrained and he tried to scam some extra money from me). As a result, the money was split between my family in such a way that my dad ended up with only a few hundred, which was more than he deserved after that scam attempt, and my mother and sisters got a few thousand.

Ellsbells

I personally would give my parents 2k each and 500 per sibling.

Linoge

Ellsbells wrote: »

I personally would give my parents 2k each and 500 per sibling.

That sounds reasonable to me. Although I completely agree with the other posters that it is your money for your future, 5k is not going to make much difference. If your family was very supportive and there for you, driving you around etc. what is the difference between giving them a thank you for doing this or paying a stranger because it then forms part of your medical bills?

Chucky the tree

I certainly give my parents some money. Especially if they helped through me through it. A good deal would depend on what your parents were like when growing up, did they help you out with money, buy you stuff etc. If so then I'd think it's really poor form not to.

Also the fact you seem to not want to give them money because of how they'll spend it is pretty poor form I think. It seems to me like if they were to invest it or buy something useful then you'd have no problem, no idea what difference it actually makes to you though.

Rhys Essien

OP,If you were to put this 175k in a KBC Savings account for 12 months,you would get €4,471 interest up front.You could then spend all or some of it on your family,leaving your 175k intact.

http://www.kbc.ie/personal/savings/interestupfront

If it were me,I would treat them all to a nice Christmas present.

LegacyUser

I think that if some one gets some unexpected money some families expect to get a share of it.
I have a friend who helped there family out a lot. At one stage they got into debit due to being out of work and asked the family for help. There family told them get a credit union loan despite the fact they could have given my friend the money.
My friend told me then about all they had done for them in the previous few years and they were unhappy about how they were treated. My friend had no life until this loan was paid off.
A few years later my friend won a few thousand euro and never told there family.
They told me the family would expect me to give them money from this but when I needed money a few years ago I was told to get lost.

You have to think yes I have €175k but I need to keep this for the future. Could you put some of this money into a savings account were you get up front interest & use this interest to give them some money but tell them the rest of the money is tied up.

tony81

You could buy an annuity with it. Also fit out your house to make it accessible for the future.

robinph

The only way that anyone should be getting any money is if they were made out of pocket due to helping your through the disability so far, then pay them back what they are due. Otherwise lock it away until you absolutely need it. You have not won anything, think of it just a a pre-payment for potential costs that you may yet have.

Now if you'd won 175k on the lottery it would be a different matter, but this is not a prize, or lottery win or anything that is for sharing. If one of my siblings were to have got a payout for something like that I think I'd be taking them out for a meal to celebrate, not the other way round.

orchidsrpretty

I wouldn't give any cash to anyone, but I probably would give my parents a nice holiday or something(excluding spending money) and bring the family out for a posh slap up meal. As you said you are still able to work, so don't need the money to live off. I would find it a bit crass handing over cash though, I don't know why.

tinkerbell

I don't understand why people think the OP should bring his family out for some fancy dinner or to send them on a nice holiday or give them money whatsoever. The OP has been left permanently disabled and the money he has been given is to help support him through his life as a result of him being at a disadvantage compared to a person without a disability.

This is not a windfall nor is it a "celebration". Going out for a fancy dinner or a holiday is something you do when you win the lotto or whatever to celebrate the big windfall. Suggesting that the OP do the same here is basically implying that they all go out to celebrate the OP's disability which is not something that is celebrated, it is not a good thing that has happened here.

I also think that suggesting the OP pays his family money for giving him moral support or whatever is absolutely ridiculous. If that was the case, he should be just hiring a nurse or whatever, you don't pay your family for support that they have given you - that is what families do for each other, they help each other out. If a member of your family was in an accident, would you expect to get paid for helping them out by looking after them for a while or making them meals to make life easier for them, etc? I don't think so.

€175k is not a lot of money, and OP you would be best advised to tell your family that it's locked away with no access to it. It also opens your eyes to your family as well - that they are a greedy bunch of miserable gits. To want to take some of your sibling / child's compensation money is just appalling.

robinph

Only take them out for a meal if you can afford to do so without touching the payment, and make it clear that they all know that it is being paid directly out of your own pocket and not the payout.

Think I'll also clarify my line about paying back people that are out of pocket due to supporting you so far. You should offer to pay them back if they have been stuck with bills to support you, but if they have any sense they should refuse the offer. Then you can take them out for a meal as a thank you for their support. Obviously that is more of a grey area depending on the exact situations, but if I'd spent money to support a family member get through something then I'd have spent that money because they are a family member...not because I was expecting to get the money back afterwards.

dellas1979

Ok-family-wise Ill be honest, I would give my parents probably some small monetary contribution. If only a gift/gesture to thank for the support. Parents are different.

But my siblings, no. If some permanent disability happened them, and they got awarded something, and they wanted to give me something monetary, I just couldnt take it...in a way, it is ill-gotton-it wasnt your choice. You didnt ask for your disability, but you have to live with it, and this money will help you...maybe not right now, but in the future.

I may take them out for dinner or something, again as a gesture, but no monetary contributions!!

Terry Ryaner

Do not give any money away. This is a useful opportunity to work out which family members you can cut out of your life.