a trust issue?

saiint

currently with my gf nearly 4 years

love her to bits but recently my trust has gone abit, probably more paranoia then anything else


basicly , i know alot of my girlfriends mates (males) as i went to school with them and know them and their friends who they hang around with.

well its kind of a facebook issue(i know its probably the worst thing made for relationships)
i dont check her facebook, i dont know her password and would never check it anyway cause i fully trust her
always dont mind if she goes on nights out and never ask questions when she comes home because theirs no need for me to ask

well 2 weeks ago
my mate told me shes getting chated up by a fella i use to go to school with asking her out and to go clubbin with her and all, asking her for a kiss etc..
me mate hangs around with this person ( who i always hated before i knew this different reasons )
i left it alone for a week then confronted her about it
she denied it
so i left it
a week later (3 days ago) mate tells me hes still chatting her up.

confronted her again
she denied
this time i didnt leave it alone
kept on asking the same question , i wasnt shouting i was just asking a question and i wasnt being angry towards her

same question over and over
then she cracked and told me he was
she broke down crying giving me the excuse she didnt want to fight with me over it so she didnt tell me.

now i never read the messages or asked her to show me so i cant tell if she was flirting back with him ( most likely she deleted them anyway )

now ive known for a while the odd person would chat her up
and i trust her to say shes in a relationship so i never question it
but now coming from me own mates, its getting to close to home for my liking
so its basicly making me think she does this on a regular basis
i already confronted her twice
so if i confront her again seeing if she is chatting up with other fellas

she will denie again which will leave me paranoid always wondering because before she has denied , denied , denied till i made her break

or that she is telling me the truth and il just be pesturing her over my paranoia which will cause a break up between us

i dont believe she has ever cheated on me
but chatting up fellas and flirting back is the 1st step

lukesmom

You were told she is getting chatted up and your girlfriend has told you there's nothing to worry about. So maybe you should trust her. Sounds like she didnt admit he chatted her up as she knew it would upset you as it clearly has. I'd advise you to drop it and trust her because you will only drive her away otherwise. Would be a little worried about the fact of you stating that you LET her go out with her friends. Sounds like you have some insecurities so you should probably work on this.

stargazer 68

saiint wrote: »

Always let her go on nights out and never ask questions when she comes home because theirs no need for me to ask

my mate told me shes getting chated up by a fella i use to go to school with asking her out and to go clubbin with her and all, asking her for a kiss etc..
a week later (3 days ago) mate tells me hes still chatting her up.

same question over and over
she broke down crying giving me the excuse she didnt want to fight with me over it so she didnt tell me.

now i never read the messages or asked her to show me so i cant tell if she was flirting back with him ( most likely she deleted them anyway )

so its basicly making me think she does this on a regular basis
i already confronted her twice
so if i confront her again seeing if she is chatting up with other fellas

she will denie again which will leave me paranoid always wondering because before she has denied , denied , denied till i made her break

i dont believe she has ever cheated on me
but chatting up fellas and flirting back is the 1st step

Now lets start with the first bit - you 'let her go out'!!
She is getting chatted up, he is still chatting her up! Nowhere have you any proof that she is chatting and flirting with this guy - NOWHERE!!!
But you question and question and you make her break????

OMG OP If I was her I would dump your a** as quick as I could!!

saiint

Dovies wrote: »

Now lets start with the first bit - you 'let her go out'!!
She is getting chatted up, he is still chatting her up! Nowhere have you any proof that she is chatting and flirting with this guy - NOWHERE!!!
But you question and question and you make her break????

OMG OP If I was her I would dump your a** as quick as I could!!

let her go out
didnt mean it that way

mixed up words i mean she goes out and i dont mind i never object to it

saiint

Dovies wrote: »

Now lets start with the first bit - you 'let her go out'!!
She is getting chatted up, he is still chatting her up! Nowhere have you any proof that she is chatting and flirting with this guy - NOWHERE!!!
But you question and question and you make her break????

OMG OP If I was her I would dump your a** as quick as I could!!

i have proof
she told me
she denied it
she lied about it
she admitted she lied
and used an excuse to cover up the lie

also theirs the fact that everyone else knowing about it people who are her mates telling me the same thing
so get your facts straight before you judge
completely unhelpful post

*rephrased the let her go out* just mistaken words we dont ask can each other can we go out we just do it and ask do we mind if we go out

Ickle Magoo

I appreciate that it's difficult to get intent across when only in a written post but you do seem to hold your girlfriend responsible for someone else chatting her up - you know she has no real control over this?

While I know you are annoyed she lied, if I thought that someone chatting me up would result in continued interrogation and the kind of insecurity issues you've described above then I'd think twice about saying anything and feeding into that too.

Look, we all have our boundaries of what we consider acceptable behaviours for ourselves/friends/partners/whomever...but at the same time you have to trust your partner is not going to cheat on you at the first opportunity or you really don't have a healthy relationship worth having. Now, while the eternal question is whether her behaviour is making you paranoid or whether your insecurity is driving her away/her behaviour is something you'll have to sit down and discuss with her.

Either way, you have very little actual control over what other people do so the healthiest approach is to accept that and only have a relationship with those you fully trust are not going to hurt you. If you can't trust anyone, then it's time to get some counselling to explore why that is and to try to address those insecurity issues, before they destroy your relationships.

All the best

saiint

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I appreciate that it's difficult to get intent across when only in a written post but you do seem to hold your girlfriend responsible for someone else chatting her up - you know she has no real control over this?

While I know you are annoyed she lied, if I thought that someone chatting me up would result in continued interrogation and the kind of insecurity issues you've described above then I'd think twice about saying anything and feeding into that too.

Look, we all have our boundaries of what we consider acceptable behaviours for ourselves/friends/partners/whomever...but at the same time you have to trust your partner is not going to cheat on you at the first opportunity or you really don't have a healthy relationship worth having. Now, while the eternal question is whether her behaviour is making you paranoid or whether your insecurity is driving her away/her behaviour is something you'll have to sit down and discuss with her.

Either way, you have very little actual control over what other people do so the healthiest approach is to accept that and only have a relationship with those you fully trust are not going to hurt you. If you can't trust anyone, then it's time to get some counselling to explore why that is and to try to address those insecurity issues, before they destroy your relationships.

All the best

thanks for a decent well written post

i did trust her
for 4 whole years i never questioned her once
all of a sudden friends of hers and mine are telling me , some are even close friends with her
saying shes getting chated up by fellas
now ive always known fellas have chated her up
i wouldnt hold her responsible for it, its something she cant help
so i never said anything about it, if she loves me she wouldnt flirt back
now its at the stage where all me mates know and her mates
and their telling me this
so theirs no other option then to confront her
which makes me feel bad but i have to do it
since theirs no sense in been in a relationship if your partner wants to be single ( which im not suggestion she does) but if the same people are chatting her up week after week
then she mustnt be telling them shes with me or unless she just does it for abit of excitment but wouldnt take it any further
either way
id prefer if she was totally honest with me

i told her about girl wanting my number before and she cracked up calling the girl all names under the sun, but i simply told the girl im in a commited relationship
and she backed off straight away
its just confusing

and to be clear ive never been paranoid with her never thought for a second of her cheating on me until now
which has to be dealt with one way or another so i suppose we have to have a talk

stargazer 68

saiint wrote: »

then she mustnt be telling them shes with me or unless she just does it for abit of excitment but wouldnt take it any further
either way
id prefer if she was totally honest with me

She isn't necessarily not telling them about you OP - some people just don't take no for an answer. You are together 4 years - maybe she is just flattered by the attention from someone else. The only way you are going to sort this out is by talking to her. Not badgering her though for the truth or confronting her - an honest and open discussion and then see where it goes from there.

saiint

saiint wrote: »

now its at the stage where all me mates know and her mates
and their telling me this
so theirs no other option then to confront her

No, there is the option to tell your mates to stop gossiping like fishwives and leave you to sort out your own relationship.

which makes me feel bad but i have to do it
since theirs no sense in been in a relationship if your partner wants to be single ( which im not suggestion she does) but if the same people are chatting her up week after week
then she mustnt be telling them shes with me or unless she just does it for abit of excitment but wouldnt take it any further

She doesn't have to "do" anything to get chatted up. There are plenty of guys who see no harm in chatting up someone who's in a relationship. It's not her fault.

Have an open discussion, sure, but accusing her of cheating because she gets chatted up and badgering her about it aren't going to get you anywhere.

saiint

bluewolf wrote: »

No, there is the option to tell your mates to stop gossiping like fishwives and leave you to sort out your own relationship.

She doesn't have to "do" anything to get chatted up. There are plenty of guys who see no harm in chatting up someone who's in a relationship. It's not her fault.

Have an open discussion, sure, but accusing her of cheating because she gets chatted up and badgering her about it aren't going to get you anywhere.

read above posts
i already said about doing nothing to get chatted up.

Gooner111

Hey OP your wording is definitely coming across litte wrong but don't worry about it.

So a friend tells you what he has seen, you ask her, she denies it. Friend tells you has seen it happen again, you ask, she denies, you keep asking and she caves. In that situation it is difficult. Your friend is saying one thing and your girlfriend another so your confused and want to know whats going on.

My issue is why did she lie???? I don't get why she just didn't say 'yeah so and so hit on me but I said no I have a boyfriend and that was that'. Maybe she feared your reaction, are you a jealous type person? Or maybe she knows you dislike the person who hit on her and didn't want you getting angry?. Only your girlfriend can say why she lied - ask her.

Beside the lying she has done nothing wrong. Being friendly to other people isn't a bad thing. The chap may have taken it wrong or could be trying to get at you etc but his actions are his own, not hers. I would definitely ask her why she felt she couldn't be honest with you. Depending on her answer you might have to work on something or not.

Good luck

DeltaWhite

Dude.. same thing going on with me and my OH

A mutual friend of mine and his.. slaps me on the ass when I'm out without my OH, flirts with me even though he has a GF who is one of my close friends..

I normally tell my OH straight away as we have this "no secrets" pact going on in our relationship, and sure enough when I told him yer man slapped my ass out in the pub, he goes on a mad one... wants to go to his house and confront him etc etc... it's the REACTION of you that obviously made your GF keep quiet. That's why I'm afraid to tell my OH in future if anything like that happens again. You cant blame your GF!! Unless you know FOR SURE that she is flirting back with men then I think you're over reacting...

saiint

Gooner111 wrote: »

Hey OP your wording is definitely coming across litte wrong but don't worry about it.

So a friend tells you what he has seen, you ask her, she denies it. Friend tells you has seen it happen again, you ask, she denies, you keep asking and she caves. In that situation it is difficult. Your friend is saying one thing and your girlfriend another so your confused and want to know whats going on.

My issue is why did she lie???? I don't get why she just didn't say 'yeah so and so hit on me but I said no I have a boyfriend and that was that'. Maybe she feared your reaction, are you a jealous type person? Or maybe she knows you dislike the person who hit on her and didn't want you getting angry?. Only your girlfriend can say why she lied - ask her.

Beside the lying she has done nothing wrong. Being friendly to other people isn't a bad thing. The chap may have taken it wrong or could be trying to get at you etc but his actions are his own, not hers. I would definitely ask her why she felt she couldn't be honest with you. Depending on her answer you might have to work on something or not.

Good luck

if she had of been honest, told me straight away the first time i asked, then i wouldnt be thinking the way i am now :S
well i dont think im jealous
she has loads of male friends and i never question her when shes out
if i show that much trust, well then she shouldnt feel the need to lie to me you know what i mean
it was the one friend that told me
but i found out everyone knew her friends as well as my own
which kinda makes me feel sick, cause if they all know, then she must be doing something in public or she must be open about it when shes around her friends
ya she knows i dislike the person, im open about everything to her
but she also knows i wouldnt take anything out on her if it aint her fault
id think before i speak about everything when im talking to her or having a fight with her

saiint

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Dude.. same thing going on with me and my OH

A mutual friend of mine and his.. slaps me on the ass when I'm out without my OH, flirts with me even though he has a GF who is one of my close friends..

I normally tell my OH straight away as we have this "no secrets" pact going on in our relationship, and sure enough when I told him yer man slapped my ass out in the pub, he goes on a mad one... wants to go to his house and confront him etc etc... it's the REACTION of you that obviously made your GF keep quiet. That's why I'm afraid to tell my OH in future if anything like that happens again. You cant blame your GF!! Unless you know FOR SURE that she is flirting back with men then I think you're over reacting...

fact is il never find out
because i dont go through her facebook or her phone
i dont go asking around trying to find something that is or isnt true about her
but shes already lied once ( which i believe is a big lie ) and it just makes me think has she lied about anything else which is a normal reaction for anyone to think
relationships are built on trust
if she has to lie to me wether it be a small white lie or a hugh lie then its a trust
wether it hurts me or not
i think i have a right to know :S

DeltaWhite

saiint wrote: »

fact is il never find out
because i dont go through her facebook or her phone
i dont go asking around trying to find something that is or isnt true about her
but shes already lied once ( which i believe is a big lie ) and it just makes me think has she lied about anything else which is a normal reaction for anyone to think
relationships are built on trust
if she has to lie to me wether it be a small white lie or a hugh lie then its a trust
wether it hurts me or not
i think i have a right to know :S

I totally agree with you about the trust issues! I had problems in my relationship with my OH texting other women and I didnt take that news very well. But 2 years later we are 10 times stronger with our "no secrets pact" it's actually great I do still have my moments of uncertainty but that's MY problem with my insecurities!
You should sit down with her and just tell her you want honesty in the relationship or else it is not going to last! She may just feel like she's going to hurt you or make you p*ssed off, I can relate to that cos it's how I feel sometimes with my OH!! But definitely sitting down and having a relaxed, non-heated discussion is the first step

Idle Passerby

She didn't do anything wrong. Some guy fancies her, so what? It doesn't sound like she was entertaining it. She isn't obligated to tell you every detail of her life and I can understand why she wouldn't have brought it up if this is how you carry on.

Why would you keep badgering her into "confessing" if you already knew what the story was? Why not just say "I heard so and so was chatting you up" and she likely wouldn't have felt it was this major can of worms she had to bury just to keep the peace.

Your insecurity is your own problem, your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be bullied over it.

Chucky the tree

1. If I was your gf the first time this happened I'd make it perfectly clear that the other person shouldn't be trying to chat me and defintely shouldn't be asking for a kiss that I'd be very surprised if they tried it again.

2. If I was out and saw someone chatting up a mates gf and she looked like she wasn't interested then I wouldn't say anything to me as I'd feel he has nothing to worry about. I'd only tell him if she was flirting back.


Now everyone is different and it could be your mate would tell you no matter what. Best thing is to probably ask her how she handled it.

saiint

Idle Passerby wrote: »

She didn't do anything wrong. Some guy fancies her, so what? It doesn't sound like she was entertaining it. She isn't obligated to tell you every detail of her life and I can understand why she wouldn't have brought it up if this is how you carry on.

Why would you keep badgering her into "confessing" if you already knew what the story was? Why not just say "I heard so and so was chatting you up" and she likely wouldn't have felt it was this major can of worms she had to bury just to keep the peace.

Your insecurity is your own problem, your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be bullied over it.

she didnt do anything wrong? how do you know? i havnt asked her yet how she handled it
not some guys loads of guys
insecurities? have you read my posts? haha never questioned her once in over 4 years until this.
as for bullying she gave me the same treatment
as previously said in my other post
dont post again until you actually read what your replying to
cause its not helping your looking for an arguement

saiint

Chucky the tree wrote: »

1. If I was your gf the first time this happened I'd make it perfectly clear that the other person shouldn't be trying to chat me and defintely shouldn't be asking for a kiss that I'd be very surprised if they tried it again.

2. If I was out and saw someone chatting up a mates gf and she looked like she wasn't interested then I wouldn't say anything to me as I'd feel he has nothing to worry about. I'd only tell him if she was flirting back.


Now everyone is different and it could be your mate would tell you no matter what. Best thing is to probably ask her how she handled it.

my mate wouldnt of told me unless he knew she was doing something back
cause hes the type of person not wanting to get involved but would tell you half the story so i could ask her meself the full story

but her lieing makes me not trust her which is something i have to talk to her about

MOD CLOSE THE THREAD thanks. thanks for everyone who replied with helpfull answers

Taltos

saiint - I recognise this is a sensitive issue for you but please note this forum is strictly moderated.
if you cannot post in a civil manner or insist on backseat moderation we will have no option to warn / infract / ban you.

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Thanks
Taltos