Have any of your close friends become distant after they came out of the closest?

Smashius_Clay

One of my closest friends came out as gay when we were both in our early twenties. Now, maybe I should have suspected it long before that, but sometimes you can't see the wood through the trees.

While we were very close before he came out, and still are on the occasions when we meet up, he now seems to surround himself very much with the gay community. Most of his (and his boyfriend's) friends are gay, they're housemates are gay and they frequent gay nightclubs. I understand the housemate situation, as it can be hard for straight people to imagine living with a gay person, no matter how tolerate the straight person believes themselves to be.

Nonetheless, I find it slightly sad that my friend and I are no longer as close as we once were. It isn't like our friendship prior to his coming out was predicated on a mutual heterosexuality, so I don't know why his being openly gay now changes the dynamic so drastically.

Have any straight people been in a similar scenario, where a close friend become more and more distant, and more and more involved in the gay community, after coming out?

LegacyUser

Hi!
Have you met his gay friends and would you go with your friend to gay places? He's probably immersing himself in the gay community, because-well-he hasn't been able to before. You need to allow him to do this, if you don't want to lose him, perhaps go with him, become friends with his friends etc.
You say your friendship wasn't based on your common heterosexuality, but is it so wrong that he might like to have friendships-after coming out after so many years with people where their sexuality is the same?
Talk to him about it, but I think you may have to start involving yourself more in his new life if you want to remain friends.
best of luck!

Roisy7

Hey OP

Sometimes when a person comes out first they feel they must make up for lost time somewhat. It's completely understandable especially if, as you say, your friend didn't come out til his early 20s.

Have you ever gone to a gay club with him and his friends? (They are great craic!) There is no need to immerse yourself totally in his lifestyle but if you want to stay friends with him you might have to venture to the George once in a while!

You seem a bit surprised by his coming out. I thought at first you were a girl but I'm not too sure now. Look if you are a guy, his sexuality is no threat to yours. You won't turn gay just by being around gay people....

Perhaps he is moving into a world so different to yours now that you will find the dynamic of your friendship changing anyway. It might be all to do with that making up for lost time he's doing. Maybe it isn't- maybe you're growing into different people regardless of sexual orientation. This is a time of upheaval and finding out who you are and friendships change and die along the way.

Just be open to him and hopefully ye will have a friendship. If ye don't, that's just the way it's to be x

strandroad

Why do you think him going to gay clubs is rejecting you? There is nothing stopping you from going with him, there are no door checks of your preferences! He just broadened his interests now he feels more confident to do so. The restrictions are in your head.

blatantrereg

A lot of gay guys orient their social lives around expressing their sexuality. Perhaps it is a reaction to feeling the need to conceal it before they came out, or perhaps continuing to conceal it outside of their cliques. The presence of straight guys can put a dampener on that for some of them. It's pretty childish really if they can't just be themselves while respecting other people's boundaries, but some of them are too inhibited - or too uninhibited, if you get me. [Understandable they might be inhibited I guess if they've encountered judgemental attitudes - and just as many straight guys are a bit too sexually uninhibited as well].

Even if your friend doesn't like that sort of thing himself, the influence of the group might discourage inclusion of straight people.

There's also the possibility that he has a different persona with his gay friends, and maybe doesn't know how to reconcile it with the one he displays with you.

Roisy7

I agree with blantantrereg to a certain extent.

GENERALLY (and I know full well there are exceptions, and generalising on gay people is just as ridiculous as generalising about straight people) the gay social scene can tend to be very hedonistic. Perhaps your friend is doing what he feels is expected of him as a gay man?

Assuming that you have not shunned his company and have actually gone out with him and his friends socially, and that you are not uncomfortable (even unconsciously) with his sexuality (tbh I'm not entirely sure that you aren't) if he and his friends are stereotypically hedonistic, you might not be entirely in the wrong here. Tbh, I found myself drifting from a gay friend because I no longer enjoy staying up til 8am in surroundings resembling the last days of the Roman Empire... Again a generalisation, but this is what is expected of gay men. I kinda prefer heading out with my fellow straight girls- we get sensibly drunk and go home at a reasonable hour. This is my experience and it may be nothing like yours.

I think there's a bit of an urban/rural divide among gay people too. Any country gay men I've met have been more willing to socialise in straight bars, probably because they grew up with less options. But I had one city friend who went as far to say that straight nightclubs made him "uncomfortable" because he couldn't be himself.

Tbh this is a really complex situation and I don't know if either of ye are right or wrong. Ye're both being yourselves. I think opening the lines of communication with him would be beneficial. Just say "I feel you've become a little distant from me lately" and do not mention his friends or sexuality.

kisaragi

Hi OP, gay guy here. Just wanted to point out one thing you said

"I understand the housemate situation, as it can be hard for straight people to imagine living with a gay person, no matter how tolerate the straight person believes themselves to be."

I have lived with several straight people and it's never ever been a problem? Saying something like this leads me to believe that maybe you are not entirely comfortable with homosexuality? Maybe I'm wrong I've been out since I was 15, but I have one straight friend who I know has some small issues regarding homosexuality (since he has refused to go to gay bar, for fear of people seeing him haha). Anyway it doesn't really bother me since he's a great guy in other ways, but obviously, if you're similar to my friend, your gay friend isn't going to go out of his way to invite you to gay social outings. I'm not saying you're necessarily like this, but it may be in the back of his mind if he doesn't have any evidence to the contrary? Maybe go along to a night out with him and his friends

I will admit that the vast majority of my friends are gay guys and straight or gay girls, but it wasn't really a conscious effort! A lot of the people I was childhood/early teen friends with turned out gay!

cafecolour

Oddly, I'm a gay man and I had the opposite problem, I dragged my (ex) bf out of his gay club crowd and into my outdoorsy/rock pub crowd.

Honestly, I'm not sure it's entirely to do with the gay bit. I've known several people, especially more shy/introverted types (like said ex), who started dating someone new (generally someone more outgoing, and a little more dominant in some respects) and essentially jumped almost entirely into their social circle. Are you single or in a relationship? Is this a new BF (as well as newly being out)?

He might reappear with time as the relationship matures. You can also simply tell him (in person or via email if you're a bit shy) something like 'Hey, I feel like I haven't seen you as much recently, and I miss your company. Let's hangout (with Jack, or course, or whatever his BFs name is) sometime soon..."