In love with my straight friend, need advice

Petey89

ok so my best friend is straight and iv basically been in love with him for the last 3 years, he knows im gay and hes pretty cool about it i can talk to him about gay stuff and he doesnt care, last night i was drunk an my other friend said i should text him and just say how i feel an see what he says because a few people thought he could be bi, so being drunk and stupid i did and of course i got no reply i tried texting him again today just to say i hope i havent ruined things but he still didnt reply. i think i could have destroyed our friendship now and im getting pretty depressed about it,
has anyone else had this problem before?? did it have a happy ending? or are ye no longer friends? any advice would be good thanks

1ZRed

Petey89 wrote: »

ok so my best friend is straight and iv basically been in love with him for the last 3 years, he knows im gay and hes pretty cool about it i can talk to him about gay stuff and he doesnt care, last night i was drunk an my other friend said i should text him and just say how i feel an see what he says because a few people thought he could be bi, so being drunk and stupid i did and of course i got no reply i tried texting him again today just to say i hope i havent ruined things but he still didnt reply. i think i could have destroyed our friendship now and im getting pretty depressed about it,
has anyone else had this problem before?? did it have a happy ending? or are ye no longer friends? any advice would be good thanks

For a start I'd meet up with him to sort it out otherwise you'll be wrecking your head and might be tempted to text him more and dig your hole deeper.

Ah, I wouldn't have listened to your friend but it happened and it's not the end of the world. He's probably just thinking wtf and not sure at all about what's going on.

Meet up with him, set it straight, and be honest about it and tell him that you know he's straight but you value his friendship more than anything.
If he's your best friend and knows your gay, he's hardly going to break off all communication. He's probably just confused and very uncomfortable with a strange new situation.

Cut the guy some slack and don't go dwelling on anything until you meet up and sort it out. He could surprise and be fine and understanding about it.
Things like this happen, it's not your fault you like him.

Petey89

wish i could meet up with him im back at college for the week an to make things worse he was supposed to come out with me for my bday next weekend cant see that happening now, tried not dwelling on it but just cant stop thinking about him now, as soon as the text was sent i knew i shouldnt have listened to my friend and i regreted it. i hope he will ring or text in the next few days he might just need time to think about it maybe!

1ZRed

Petey89 wrote: »

wish i could meet up with him im back at college for the week an to make things worse he was supposed to come out with me for my bday next weekend cant see that happening now, tried not dwelling on it but just cant stop thinking about him now, as soon as the text was sent i knew i shouldnt have listened to my friend and i regreted it. i hope he will ring or text in the next few days he might just need time to think about it maybe!

Leave him to to so. He'll figure it out and reply when he gets his head around it. Suppose there's nothing you can do but hang tight.

He could make the effort to fix it all in time for your birthday. He's your best friend, so if he's worth anything he'll understand, have a laugh and let it go.

mikemac1

You sent him a text and then spent all today dwelling on it

If you have something to say don't text, call the guy

It's only 8pm, not late so call him

Maybe you'll get ignored but it's a better option then waiting on a text message

People reply on texts for important issues far too often.
Your phone is for phoning

Petey89

i know i should phone but at the min i have no credit just free texts, I dont think i would be able to phone him im just afraid of what he will say or if he would even answer me.

oisindoyle

moral of the story ?
Never ever send txts when pissed

Petey89

oisindoyle wrote: »

moral of the story ?
Never ever send txts when pissed

yeah pretty much but its done now!

oisindoyle

Petey89 wrote: »

yeah pretty much but its done now!

"IF" it is eating you up inside and you are regretting what you did .
Maybe then you should bite the bullet and phone him and talk , and explain everything .
Yes it will be awkward but at least it will bring some sort of resolution to the situation.
Thats all you can do at this stage

Aurongroove

while it was poor judgement on your end to send the text, your friend should if he's a decent guy, get over it without any hassle.
If he's the kind of person that's flattering himself into thinking being cool with your homosexuality is a favour for you, then forget him.


Also if you have something to get off your chest and you have no credit to phone, then wait until you do. Even If I were steamed drunk, and I had a straight friend to declare a crush on, I would never be able to convince myself to text it (or phone it for that matter) and I have been in that exact situation.

Locker10a

ohh dear!
Thats not good is it!
What ever friend told you to send that text while drunk! Never ever take advice from them again! EVER!
I hope things work out for you and go back to normal!

If i was you I would have said It was someone who took your phone and text him as a joke! And not to heed it! Its was all a drunken joke! Just like a frape but using your phone, and he would have laughed it off and thought no more about it!

I know im going to get shot down for this , but its what i would have done if i was you! And even thought it involves lies, it would have instantly prevented akwardness :cool:

Rick_

I think every gay person has had a crush on their straight friend. It's part of being gay!

I also did something similar, although I told the guy to his face, on several occasions! We were really close and it had a negative impact on our friendship and we actually weren't talking for several months. We are fine about it now and are back being close friends, but I certainly would never do anything like that again and risk losing our friendship. I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all.

I hope your friend is as nice and genuine as he seems and is able to move on from this, but the no reply from him is making me wonder. Just top your phone up and ring him and explain. At least you'll know one way or the other.

jarvis

Not having credit is just an excuse to delay. There's a million ways to get credit or another phone.
I think your friend will be fine, I have a gay friend and I think if this happened we'd have a laugh about it after we talked. Ring him, tell him you were drunk and what happened and then make a joke about it.

Petey89

I rang him no answer i wish i could have just text him an say someone took my phone but he would never have believed it it was a long message and did not read like a joke. i dont think he was my best friend after all he told me before that he loved me but that was probably as a friend but if it was true i think he would have answered. think my friendship is over

Locker10a

Petey89 wrote: »

I rang him no answer i wish i could have just text him an say someone took my phone but he would never have believed it it was a long message and did not read like a joke. i dont think he was my best friend after all he told me before that he loved me but that was probably as a friend but if it was true i think he would have answered. think my friendship is over

Sorry to hear that Was he your best best friend or one of your best friends?? Either way its not nice to loose a close friend but things will work themselves out if its ment to be! Put yourself in his shoes for a min! think of your nearist and dearist friend and imagine if they unexpectadly confesed their love for you! How would you feel/react? And would it ever be the same after?

Petey89

Locker10a wrote: »

Sorry to hear that Was he your best best friend or one of your best friends?? Either way its not nice to loose a close friend but things will work themselves out if its ment to be! Put yourself in his shoes for a min! think of your nearist and dearist friend and imagine if they unexpectadly confesed their love for you! How would you feel/react? And would it ever be the same after?

i have only 2 best friends he was one, i have thought about it and if it was the other way around i would have text back even to say i didnt feel the same but would try and get back to normal, maybe in time he will forget about it an we could still be friends.
thanks for everyones advice

what the hell!

Let us know how you get on! I know I've been very close to telling one of my friends before. It can be very hard sometimes I know how you feel!

Barna77

Been there, done that.

I was in love with my best friend for years and years. I was so blind, looking back now, I was such a fool. Gathered the guts to come out to him and then tell him the truth. He was cool with it, bit shocked though. But he began behaving like an asshole, I'd say he took advantage of the situation.

Anyway, his nastiness helped me to get over him. Whatever power he had over me is gone long ago.

So OP give your friend some time and space.

Petey89

Barna77 wrote: »

Been there, done that.

I was in love with my best friend for years and years. I was so blind, looking back now, I was such a fool. Gathered the guts to come out to him and then tell him the truth. He was cool with it, bit shocked though. But he began behaving like an asshole, I'd say he took advantage of the situation.

Anyway, his nastiness helped me to get over him. Whatever power he had over me is gone long ago.

So OP give your friend some time and space.

yeah im just guna leave it now and see will he contact me and if he doesnt il just have to move on

floggg

I think you should give him his space. I'm sure it's a bit of a head **** being told that and he may need time to process and figure things out. He may very well be wondering can things go back to how they were etc.

Moreover for your own sake, give him space. If you say you love him, or are even infatuated with him, is it really in your best interests to go back to hanging round with him loads? It will only lead you right back to the mind state you were in when you sent the text. Give yourselves some space.

If I was to bother contacting him again it would be to tell him you would be doing just that for the next few months but hopes you could get back to normal once you've both had since distance. But if give him some time before even doing that.

Petey89

floggg wrote: »

I think you should give him his space. I'm sure it's a bit of a head **** being told that and he may need time to process and figure things out. He may very well be wondering can things go back to how they were etc.

Moreover for your own sake, give him space. If you say you love him, or are even infatuated with him, is it really in your best interests to go back to hanging round with him loads? It will only lead you right back to the mind state you were in when you sent the text. Give yourselves some space.

If I was to bother contacting him again it would be to tell him you would be doing just that for the next few months but hopes you could get back to normal once you've both had since distance. But if give him some time before even doing that.

yeah thanks thats what im planning to do just leave him be and see if that helps

Petey89

ok so he text me last night he doesnt feel the same for me but I was expecting that to be honest, he said im still his best friend and this will not effect that, that we can get past this. We have been texting today and hes just joking about it now so all is well again, and he is still coming down for my bday this weekend

1ZRed

Petey89 wrote: »

ok so he text me last night he doesnt feel the same for me but I was expecting that to be honest, he said im still his best friend and this will not effect that, that we can get past this. We have been texting today and hes just joking about it now so all is well again, and he is still coming down for my bday this weekend

Good man. A bit of time and space is all he needed to wrap his head around it. I'd say it was confusing for him but you'll both be sorted like before if he's messing and joking with you again!

i_steal_sheep

I’ve been there. I grew very close to a friend of mine there a few years ago – his long-term relationship had just broken up and I was coming to terms with my own sexuality at around the same time. I think we pretty much both identified that we both had our own stuff going on and just grew close, confiding in each other. He was actually the first lad that I ever told that I was gay and was 100% sound out about it. The reaction I wanted and needed. Over the next few months I knew well that I was falling for him and pretty much let it happen. I’d found myself being able to talk to him openly about stuff in a way that I never dreamt of being able to. It was great – he was great to me. And I pretty much thought the world of him – as a best mate and otherwise. I was foolish enough to let myself fall for him but I was smart enough to know that nothing was ever going to happen of it. He fell in love again and a natural distance crept into the friendship.

I found it difficult.

That was a few years ago and I’ve grown up a lot since then. In hindsight I made a bad judgment call on the whole thing. I was pretty much overcome by his attention, because of all that I had going on in my own head at the time. I never for a moment doubted his sincerity. It was a bit of a kick in the stones one night to hear his, now, wife joking with her workmates (who are my mates) about some of the stuff that I would have told him. I assumed that there was respect enough between the two of us but like I said, I made a bad judgment call. I’ve a friend (aka friend 2) who I’d be close enough to but for geographical reasons we don’t see each other an awful lot but are in fair good contact. We met up there last Christmas at a wedding. He asked me straight out how my dad was now and I had to ask what he meant. Yer man was the only fella I’d confided in about coming out to my dad but yet my other friend (friend 2) knew every single detail.

I never told him (friend 1) about the way I felt back then, or the way I feel now. I guess I just got caught badly...

Petey89

i_steal_sheep wrote: »

I’ve been there. I grew very close to a friend of mine there a few years ago – his long-term relationship had just broken up and I was coming to terms with my own sexuality at around the same time. I think we pretty much both identified that we both had our own stuff going on and just grew close, confiding in each other. He was actually the first lad that I ever told that I was gay and was 100% sound out about it. The reaction I wanted and needed. Over the next few months I knew well that I was falling for him and pretty much let it happen. I’d found myself being able to talk to him openly about stuff in a way that I never dreamt of being able to. It was great – he was great to me. And I pretty much thought the world of him – as a best mate and otherwise. I was foolish enough to let myself fall for him but I was smart enough to know that nothing was ever going to happen of it. He fell in love again and a natural distance crept into the friendship.

I found it difficult.

That was a few years ago and I’ve grown up a lot since then. In hindsight I made a bad judgment call on the whole thing. I was pretty much overcome by his attention, because of all that I had going on in my own head at the time. I never for a moment doubted his sincerity. It was a bit of a kick in the stones one night to hear his, now, wife joking with her workmates (who are my mates) about some of the stuff that I would have told him. I assumed that there was respect enough between the two of us but like I said, I made a bad judgment call. I’ve a friend (aka friend 2) who I’d be close enough to but for geographical reasons we don’t see each other an awful lot but are in fair good contact. We met up there last Christmas at a wedding. He asked me straight out how my dad was now and I had to ask what he meant. Yer man was the only fella I’d confided in about coming out to my dad but yet my other friend (friend 2) knew every single detail.

I never told him (friend 1) about the way I felt back then, or the way I feel now. I guess I just got caught badly...

Thats horrible what he did i know my friend would never tell anyone what i would tell him in confidence he tells me everything too so we have a great deal of trust. I hope you do find a better friend, there is nothing worse than when you tell someone something you dont want anyone else to know and they blab to everyone. I think you are much better off without him.

i_steal_sheep

Petey89 wrote: »

there is nothing worse than when you tell someone something you dont want anyone else to know and they blab to everyone

In fairness it wasn't really that I told him stuff that I didn't want anyone else to know - they were hardly state secrets but more 'thoughts out loud'. It was more the fact that he thought so little of the 'trust' in the first place, and that he felt it was OK to go shooting his mouth off. Like, he told me stuff too but I'd never, ever repeat anything he ever told me.

Life goes on

oisindoyle

Petey89 wrote: »

ok so he text me last night he doesnt feel the same for me but I was expecting that to be honest, he said im still his best friend and this will not effect that, that we can get past this. We have been texting today and hes just joking about it now so all is well again, and he is still coming down for my bday this weekend

Thats really good .When he comes down to your party give him a big hug thank him for his friendship and laugh off the incident as a drunken mistake .
Glad that it's worked out for you :-)
Let us know how it goes btw

Petey89

i_steal_sheep wrote: »

In fairness it wasn't really that I told him stuff that I didn't want anyone else to know - they were hardly state secrets but more 'thoughts out loud'. It was more the fact that he thought so little of the 'trust' in the first place, and that he felt it was OK to go shooting his mouth off. Like, he told me stuff too but I'd never, ever repeat anything he ever told me.

Life goes on

yeah i know what ya mean, better off without him anyway

Petey89

oisindoyle wrote: »

Thats really good .When he comes down to your party give him a big hug thank him for his friendship and laugh off the incident as a drunken mistake .
Glad that it's worked out for you :-)
Let us know how it goes btw

yeah hes laughing it off already think he is just flattered now, glad it worked out myself

kjl

Hey,

I have been on the other side of this situation. I have had a number of my friends come out to me and one or two have told me they have feelings for me.

Truthfully it did muddy the waters slightly with my opinion of them, but I am still friends with the one or two.

There was one guy in college who I was really good friends with, we used to hang out all the time. He would come down to my summer house. He came out really out of the blue and I actually caught him on a date one night, not realising he was gay. The next day people were asking me if I knew this guy was gay when he came up to me and explained everything including that the reason he was with that guy is because he reminded him of me.

It didn't bother me, but he seemed to get really upset about it and basically stopped hanging out with me. Having read your posts I think you might be worrying about this too much. It doesn't bother me if my gay friends have a crush on me, as long as they don't act on it.

One of my closet friends came out to me first and I was totally accepting of it, he then let it slip one night that he had a crush on my and I just kinda slagged him off about it, which was keeping with our friendship dynamic. Then whenever we played video games and I killed him, I would say things like did I get that fairly or did you let me kill you because you're in love with me. We still hang out all the time, and I give him advice on his relationship. He came out at 30 and was never really in a relationship before that so I give him pointers on how to conduct himself. I even went with him to a gay bar and tried to help him pick up men.

If your friend is a true friend he won't care. If he does, then maybe you are better off without him