Unreasonable girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I'd like to get the perspective of Joe Public on how reasonable or otherwise my girlfriend is (and me for that matter).

My girlfriend of 1 year is basically giving me an ultimatum to cut down on the evenings I spend away from home doing sport or voluntary work etc or else she'll leave me.

I'm involved in sports / sports committees maybe 2 or 3 evenings during the week and then usually once or twice at weekends (upto 1pm each day). During the week, when I do sport, I'm usually home by 8ish. The rest of the day / evening I spend with my girlfriend. I hardly ever drink and don't head out with the lads much since she moved in 3 months ago. Work sometimes infringes on my evenings.

When I'm gone from home it seems she is counting the minutes I'm away and then vents her anger when I return, particularly if I'm later than I said I'd be. She typically goes to sleep for a hour or two when she comes home from work - something she did before she moved in. We don't do anything particular when I do come home - she just wants to spend time with me.

I've encouraged her to take up some hobbies, sport, zumba, gym, reading newspapers, tv, - anything that would stop her focusing her attention on the fact I'm not home. She doesn't really have any interest in these things though.

I like her company but variety is the spice of life and doing intense sport is necessary for my mental health.

I realise that I have to compromise to make the relationship work but her demands seem unreasonable. Or maybe I'm the unreasonable one? All her friends say they wouldn't put up with being left at home alone so often. She doesn't seem interested in travelling to competitions / club training sessions whereas girlfriends/ wives of others will make that effort.

I've always been happy in my own company and I suppose find it difficult to understand why my girlfriend can't be happy in her own company.

Well, yes, it sounds like she's being unreasonable.

But it also sounds like this must seem a lot different from her side. There could be an aspect of this that you haven't mentioned here or don't realise from your point of view that is affecting her. If not, then yes it seems she's being a bit silly. She's a grown woman and should be able to spend time by herself. It's not as if you go missing for days on end.

As for the "all her friends say..." - ignore it. When a woman is giving out about feeling mistreated/neglected her friends will usually give her sympathy and validation whether they agree with her or not.

tinkerbell

I think she's being unreasonable. I don't think it should be an issue that you aren't home til 8pm on 2/3 evenings during the week. However on the weekend, do you really have to be busy BOTH days every weekened? Perhaps she'd just like one day where you can spend some time together rather than you having to be up early and out the door for half the day?

brandom

I think the ultimatum is unreasonable, especially since she obviously knew how involved with sports you were before she moved in with you. However I do think that tinkerbell makes a very good point about weekends ..if every or even most weekends you are busy both days it does seem a little excessive.

LegacyUser

brandom wrote: »

I think the ultimatum is unreasonable, especially since she obviously knew how involved with sports you were before she moved in with you. However I do think that tinkerbell makes a very good point about weekends ..if every or even most weekends you are busy both days it does seem a little excessive.

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm not busy both days most weekends - if we haven't planned a trip then I'd like to train both days - it just takes a few hours each time. If I have a competition which might take from morning til, say 5pm (competition takes 1.5 hours, rest is travel, lunch, talking after the finish, prizegiving etc), I'd encourage her to come along to make a day of it. She likes to shop / meet friends for coffee etc - not really my thing. She sees this as something that she does (meet friends for coffee) because I'm not around and seemingly wouldn't otherwise do it so much.

She isn't Irish and because of that she doesn't have the same network of family and friends that Irish people have to fall back on and therefore perhaps depends on me more.

We spend a huge amount of time together (in my eyes at least) - in a typical week we would spend say, 3 - 5 hours per night mid-week; 8 - 14 hours per day at weekends together. It seems ridiculous that I need to account for my time like this - if I made no effort in meeting her friends, go places she wanted to go etc then I could understand her point of view but I make every effort. It is wasteful not to be able to do sports I enjoy because she wants to spend all my time with me to do....very little. If we had kids then it would be different.

Neyite

It seems like YOU are her only hobby, and thats not sustainable for a healthy relationship. If I were you, I'd stand firm on this - she knew from the start that you have these activities.

She is being unreasonable in my opinion.

2rkehij30qtza5

My hubby isn't home til 8pm every eve and I've two kids to mind too!! But with him it's work although he has mentioned he wants to join a gym and spend 1-2 evenings a week there til 9pm. AND I'm fine with that!

SO my point is that you are just going out with each other, no kids I assume and I also presume you did all this amount of sport BEFORE you got together??

If that's the case then YES she is being unreasonable!!

It irks me when my husband is home later than he said if he doesn't text me. But if he texts then it's grand. So I suggest you do this. Punctuality is a pet peeve of mine and texting can solve this!!

But yeah, your girlfriend needs to get a life of her own! Sounds like she is not v.independent??

Stheno

I think she is being unreasonable, my OH goes out at least twice a week with his friends until at least ten o'clock, his children are with us every three out of four weekend for either one or two days, and this was the case when I met him.

Now I regularly have stuff I do that keeps me out etc, so perhaps the issue here is your gf being overly reliant on you?

movingsucks

Different relationships have different expectations. Maybe when you first talked about moving in together she had a different expectation of what living together would be like.
2-3 evenings plus late working and half the weekend might be fine for some but it's not fine for your girlfriend.
What does worry me though is when you say she has no interest in anything - does she just stare at a blank wall till you get home?

Distorted

Would you prefer a girlfriend who shares your interests? If so, split up with her and find one. If you're happy with her, do as she says, and change yourself to keep her happy. Turn into more of a person who doesn't have any outside interests and whose main interest/hobby is having a boyfriend/girlfriend. If not, be prepared for plenty of arguments, or just give up and admit you're incompatible.

I do competitive sports, and theres no way on earth I'd go out with a boyfriend who wasn't sporty!

LegacyUser

Neyite 'It seems like YOU are her only hobby'

Actually she did say I was her hobby in response to my suggestion that she get a hobby....

Galwaygirlee 'SO my point is that you are just going out with each other, no kids I assume and I also presume you did all this amount of sport BEFORE you got together??

It irks me when my husband is home later than he said if he doesn't text me. But if he texts then it's grand. So I suggest you do this. Punctuality is a pet peeve of mine and texting can solve this!!

But yeah, your girlfriend needs to get a life of her own! Sounds like she is not v.independent?? '

Yes, I did the same amount of sport before we got together. I'm not known for my punctuality so I shall get texting more often! Agreed, not very independent at all.

Stheno 'so perhaps the issue here is your gf being overly reliant on you? '

Yes, she does say that Irish girls are different in their expectations of their BFs compared to where she is from (Eastern Europe) (- i.e. they live in eachothers pockets where she is from) and has half jokingly said on more than one occassion that maybe I should get an Irish girlfriend. I'm sure she doesn't really mean or want that though.

movingsucks 'What does worry me though is when you say she has no interest in anything - does she just stare at a blank wall till you get home? '

She talks on the phone to her friends complaining about my absence and envying her friends boyfriends who are obediently home by 6pm every evening.

Distorted 'Would you prefer a girlfriend who shares your interests?'

Not necessarily - just a little more flexibility and understanding about what's important to me. I'm sure it would be easier to persuade her if she was sporty though.

I said to her I'd post on boards about this issue - I might show her the responses now! Thanks all! Possibly she may have a different slant on things....

daisybelle2008

OP, I would find her level of dependence suffocating. I would not cut back one iota on your sport commitments just to satisfy her neediness. In one short year she has made you her whole life! Wow. Having outside interests and enjoying your own company are traits of a healthy well functioning adult. Counting minutes down waiting and getting angry when your boyfriend is a bit late is a sign of someone who needs more going on in their life.
Not being funny OP, but I would call her bluff on the ultimatum. Tell her to leave then. She seems so highly dependent on you, I'd say she is bluffing and has no intention of going anywhere. To be honest I'd say you would have your work getting rid of her as she appears so clingy so don't worry about that.
Seriously though, the relationship could get very stale the way it is going. I am with distorted on this, and question the compatibility. Cracks are going to show if she keeps getting angry and argumentative,. It could become a turnoff for you that she has so little going on with herself and you start finding it draining.
Just read your response, she is blaming cultural differences from what you have written. OP, I would be very careful with the pace of your relationship with this woman. She seems unhealthily dependent on you and using emotional blackmail to get you to jump to her tune( threatening to leave and saying you should get an Irish girlfriend). You might find all this cute and romantic and flattering, but it is frankly controlling and she doesn't seem to get you. She wants you to fill the boyfriend 'role' as she sees fit with no consideration for your interests. Frankly I would take the rosé tinted glasses off and have a good look at the relationship if I was you.

okiss

Your girlfriend is being unreasonable as she know what you were doing in your free time before she moved in with you.
I would not give up on your interest to keep her happy as after one year of being together she has made you her whole life. This girl is lonely and unhappy and expects you to make her life better.
It is not your job to be there every night and every weekend for her. The only person who can improve her life is her. She should be willing to meet up with friends, do night classes or get involved with some thing that she is interested in.
I would tell her that you are not giving up hobbies for her. If she wants to keep a relationship with you tell her that she need to build up her own life when you involved with your interests. Tell her that if she is interested in something you will find out where it is on ect but that you won't be going with her to this.
If she is not happy with this I would end this relationship. All relationships require give and take but when someone is doing all the taking it can end the relationship.

LegacyUser

She is being unreasonable. Coming home by 8pm or 8ish is perfectly reasonable. I know plenty of people who are only getting home from work around then due to traffic. I also know plenty of people involved in sports and other activities who would't be home till near 11 and are gone all weekend. Being home around 8 during the week leaves plenty of time to spend with a partner, to have a meal/watch tv together/catch up etc etc Crawling in drunk at near midnight when she's already in bed not good but seriously 8ish? You say she takes a nap when she comes in from work so seriously what difference does it make if your there or not?

My job typically involves evening events several times a month so I tend to have at least one night a week I'm not home till gone midnight and alot of my weekends are taken up with work and at least one weekend a month involves traveling and staying overnight. My BF has never batted an eyelid nor said anything negative to me. He understands it's something that I love and would be a miserable person if he tired to take that away from me. He has no interest in what I do but has made the effort to come along the odd time and is always positive and engaging to my co-workers and I do the same with him as he is into music but not a genre I like but I've still been to plenty of gigs and weekend long festivals with him and when there I get into it and while I still don't like the music I enjoy spending time with him doing something I know he loves but also do not get upset with him going alone to gigs.

Look long term OP if you gave up your social life to please her where do you see yourself in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years etc etc from now. How long can a relationship really stay healthy if you spend every waking second together and live out of each others pockets? And I'm sorry I don't buy the it's a culture thing as I've lived in quite a high number of countries and have met people like that in all of them. Some people are just unable to be on their own.

Gerry T

Living together at the start requires some give and take, for both of you. But its easy to wrap yourselves around each other and you will loose contact with friends / sports etc... So both of you have to give each other space to make sure this doesn't happen. If she loves you then she admires the person, you interest in sports etc... I would have tought she would want to go along, share your interest - not all the time but the big competitions. I have done some tri events and one's like the AThlone one has a fantastic athmosphere and non sporty people can really enjoy the day out. I'm guessing what you do is simular. Hate to say if this is going to fester and come between you then its worth considering where you two are going. Beleive me if you stay together and down the road take on kids, life becomes so much more complicated. you need to be pulling in the same direction NOW beacuse it WONT change with time. You need to talk it through to see what she wants.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. I showed this thread to my girlfriend and, needless to say, she was a little upset by the comments (which are mostly in my favour). My posts obviously don't reflect all the positive things about my girlfriend and they are too numerous to mention!

I agree that a healthy relationship is one where we give each other space - 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is a phrase I've used a few times.

I think the independent views expressed here will be persuasive so thanks again.