How do I get over the devastation?

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 10:32am #1

Hi, I posted here recently about my relationship, I was going out with a guy at the time, he had got a girl pregnant during a break in our relationship, he loves the child, spends a lot of time with the child, i love the child as if its my own, but the childs mother doesnt like me seeing the child, also if she saw me with my boyfriend in town, he would then not be allowed to see the child for a few days. As it stands he came to me yest and said that he cant bear to not be able to see the child every day and though he doesnt love this other woman, he's hoping these feelings will grow in time. He said he loves me and will be miserable without me, but he's miserable without his child too. I live in a small town, have invested years of my life with him, Im now 30, alone,Have lost friends who didnt agree with me staying with him after cheating and lies in the past and Im dreading the thought of seeing the three of them around, she lives quite close to me so i see her regularly as it is. He is moving in with her this week. I have no idea how Im going to cope. We had our life planned out, was so looking forward to Christmas and had gone looking at engagement rings-he had been driving this, though id have married him in the morning. Has anyone been through something like this? or has anyone any ideas of how Im going to cope. I feel like just running away.

HeyThereDeliah · 14-10-2012 10:43am

Try and see the positive in this situation he does not love you and it's better you know now, he can use the child as an excuse if he wants but no one moves in with another person unless they want too.
I take it he is going to be having a relationship with her, it's not just house sharing for the sake of being near his child

I know it hurts but try think positive.

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 11:03am

ya its for a relationship. He said he's going to try and grow to love her. He also said he feels guilty about making her a single mother. But ya, i see that noone is holding a gun to his head to live with her, he's choosing it. Still texting me telling me he loves me etc, completely messing with my head.

HeyThereDeliah · 14-10-2012 11:13am

He is only doing this because you are allowing him to do it, delete his number don't reply to him just ignore him.
If he can leave you for a woman he does not love then you are well rid of him, I'm making an assumption here(sorry) would you continue seeing him secretly even when he moves in with her?

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 11:17am

As much as Id love to say that no I wouldnt, the way I feel about him means I prob would. I would never have envisaged being the other woman though and I feel it'd be detrimental. I just feel a fool for standing by him through it all and then being dumped. He said he never realised he'd feel so strongly for the child and basically his life would be easier to get back with the mother. Do these kind of relationships work?

HeyThereDeliah · 14-10-2012 11:34am

He is using the child as a means to leaving you and living with her, simple harsh reality is he wants her not you, you need to move on.
He loves his child but its no reason to leave the woman he loves if he truly loved her.

Look only you can decide what is best for you but having an affair with him is not the answer. Let him go make a new life and you do the same.

daisybelle2008 · 14-10-2012 11:41am

OP, you have to learn to love yourself more than this guy. Why would you say you love this child as if it's your own? I don't believe you mean that. I believe your self esteem is so far in the toilet you have put this guy and his stupid carry on and situation on some sort of a pedestal above your own feelings.
There is a saying when someone takes your partner the best revenge is to let them keep him. This wishy washy guy has two women vying for his attention at expense of their own sanity and happiness. You have been spared. Let him off and realise that happiness is an inside job and you will find it a lot quicker without him dragging you down.

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 11:45am

He has knocked my self esteem into the toilet a long time ago. I know I should be responsible for my own self esteem but its been dependant on him for so long. It doesnt help that I perceive the other woman as better looking, has a better job,is nicer, more fun etc.

HeyThereDeliah · 14-10-2012 11:52am

Yes of course he has knocked your self esteem and the other woman has your man, we would all feel the same in this situation but you must not let it get the better of you.
We all have to experience heartbreak but it makes us stronger in the end.

daisybelle2008 · 14-10-2012 12:08pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

He has knocked my self esteem into the toilet a long time ago. I know I should be responsible for my own self esteem but its been dependant on him for so long. It doesnt help that I perceive the other woman as better looking, has a better job,is nicer, more fun etc.

Forget about putting yourself in competition with her for him. You are making him 'the prize'. Really evaluate if the price you pay for that prize (that you may never rely on cause of how ridiculously fickle he is) is worth it. I don't mean making him out to be an asshole. I mean by really evaluating if relying on him for your happiness is what is actually making you miserable.

You are very concerned with what the people in the village would think, what the other girl is like, how solid his relationship will be.

Forget all these things, self esteem is not dependent on another person. It means you realise that head wrecking ****ty situations with fickle people are NEVER going to give you contentment.

Give yourself a break, don't romanticise the situation. You win when you can be happy in any situation, 30 alone, 40 alone. Like the person you are alone with and you will NEVER be lonely. You don't 'need' him. You are busy convincing yourself you do. The irony is the more you elevate him in importance in your life the worse he will treat you. Someone you are indifferent to can't hurt you. Work towards that indifference. That doesn't mean 'hating' him or putting him down. It means hating the situation you put yourself in when you rely on him for happiness.

2rkehij30qtza5 · 14-10-2012 12:12pm

OP anyone who truly loves you would not do this to you. It's a bit bizzare to be honest.
If she was denying him access then the courts are there for him.
He does NOT LOVE YOU. Sorry to be harsh but he really doesn't.
Delete his number, ignore him. You are only 30. You will meet someone who respects you more than this guy. Good luck!

dellas1979 · 14-10-2012 12:18pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

He has knocked my self esteem into the toilet a long time ago. I know I should be responsible for my own self esteem but its been dependant on him for so long. It doesnt help that I perceive the other woman as better looking, has a better job,is nicer, more fun etc.

Its not a "I know Im responsible for my own self esteem....but" situation! You own it, and you are allowing people to mess with it! And its being going on so long now, you dont even know your arse from your elbow.

Honestly, I think you should find someone to talk to about this...when a person has no self esteem, they will try anything to find happiness, and more often in the wrong way, like you are doing now. That is a love triangle waiting to explode.

He is a human being. A guy. He is not the be all and end all. He is not responsible for your own actions toward him. You are doing this yourself.

Katgurl · 14-10-2012 1:24pm

I think the posters are being quite hard on you (although it's well intentioned) OP, you've had a terrible shock, it must feel like the ground has come out from under you.

I think you need to do the following:

Accept it's over and ignore him.
Reach out to your old friends who warned you about him. If they are real friends thy won't judge you, they'll support you.
I would highly recommend trying to make some plans to leave that town - is a work transfer a possibility or could you save up, take sabbatical and go travelling.

30 is still young but I expect it doesn't feel young after you've invested so much with reminders everywhere.

Fwiw I don't think you should feel you've lost to this woman, if their relationship continues she will probably spend all of it riddled with insecurity about you - she had to withhold rights to his child to force his hand.

Having said that, his story is bulll**** too, he clearly loves all the attention but doesn't want to be painted as the bad guy so he's living this victim of circumstances image he's perpetrating.

Give yourself a break. Make some plans for yourself and take really good care of yourself. One day you will be so so glad this happened before you got anymore involved with a weasel like him.

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 1:40pm

There's a lot of good advice there, some harsh but true and i appreciate it, deep down I was always wary that he would go back to her, he also has a knack for telling white lies, then when I question something later, he accuses me of trying to catch him out. Obviously you can only be caught out if you were lying in the first place which I have explained to him.
Its a s### situation, I just cant take him off the pedestal I clearly have him on, even today he has been texting and I get butterflies to hear from him. It makes it all the harder that I feel now I've wasted my entire twenties on this relationship and most of my friends are now happily settled down either living together or married with kids. I genuinely don't like being on my own. I feel all the good guys are gone at this stage and that Im too damaged now to even want anything with anyone.

Lorna123 · 14-10-2012 1:47pm

You can forget about this guy now OP. You didn't get pregnant by him so thank your lucky stars for that. You can walk away and start a new life for yourself without looking back to see how he is doing. You will find someone new and wonder what you ever saw in your ex. It is hard to realize that now because you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms but that won't last. You will get over this in time. Breathe in the fresh air and be grateful that you can move on with a clean slate.

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 1:51pm

This town is small enough that I'll always see how he's doing unfortunately. All along he had been saying he wished the child was ours and how perfect things would've been then. We had even spoken about giving the child a brother or sister. It's the triumphant looks from the other woman that are also going to be hard to take. As childish as it is, in my eyes I feel she has won. She got everything that I had always wanted.

Lorna123 · 14-10-2012 2:04pm

You have been let down OP so you feel miserable, understandable. Cut all contact with your ex, stop replying to texts, that will do your head in. You are not old at 30. You have plenty of time to meet someone new. Stop tormenting yourself analyzing the other woman. Your ex is weak and not a fit partner for you. Don't take any heed of him saying that he wished the baby was yours, that's all nonsense orchestrated to keep you dangling. You simply have to cut contact if you want to remain sane. It always feels like someone is very attractive when you can't have them, but my gut instinct from what you have told us is that this guy is not good enough for you. Don't lower your standards by longing for someone like that.

Neyite · 14-10-2012 3:17pm

Op, you have him on a pedestal as you admit yourself, but you need to work on knocking him off it for your own sake.

You have caught him out in lies. So he is a liar. He is also very cleverly setting himself up for the mistress scenario, in that he will live with her and play happy families with her, then come round to yours with whatever version of "she doesnt understand me" guff that will allow him to be a cheater. Please dont fall for it.

You seem to think that people are looking at you and laughing behind your back - I very much doubt it. If anything, they probably think that you were lovely and trusting and deserve far better than this guy.

Delete his number, avoid the local haunts where you might bump into them, become busy - with a hobby or friends.

Forget once and for all that because you are 30, its over. Far from it. My current relationship started when I was 29, almost 30, and had had a breakup very similar to yours that shook me to the core. 8 years on we are blissfully happy and have a baby, with hopefully another one or two to follow in the future.

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 3:26pm

Thanks Neyite, that gives me hope. I literally just bumped into them in the suoermarket as they were doing a trolley shop, v happy family thing to do. It cut like a knife, but hopefully things will get easier, however i did leave the shop without finishing my own shopping. It just sucks, last Sunday it was him and me doing the shopping, he has literally interchanged me with another woman.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2012 4:22pm

OP I never ever post on here, but I'm bothered to do so because there is one thing that you need to do and you need to do it ASAP.

GET AWAY.

You're in this small town where you say you don't have the perfect job, where you've fallen out with lots of your friends, where you see your ex around all the time.

LEAVE.

Move to a city, to a sunny country, get a job in a bar, go backpacking, go wwoofing, leave for a minimum of a year. You're still so young. It's your life and it sounds like you need to rediscover living, and this guy needs to be a memory that stays in your past. Go get a tan! Have adventures. Go on dates with interesting people. Take up salsa dancing. Take up stand-up comedy. Remember how to laugh. Do everything you can to get away because I can't see you lasting there much longer and I don't know why you would stick around unless it's in an attempt to stay near him.

movingsucks · 14-10-2012 5:07pm

Its early days. It sucks that you'll have to see them around but in time it will get easier for you. One day you won't even notice them!
Cut contact with him, he's made his choice and if he "grows to love her" or ends up miserable then that's his gamble. Its sounds to me like you're better off and she may be smug and triumphant now but who knows what the future holds for them eh?
You have your whole life to live so do it, its easier said than done but its true.

Elmidena · 14-10-2012 5:34pm

OP I feel for you, I really do. As another poster said, thank your lucky stars that you didn't have a baby with this chap. What would happen then, would both of his "women" have to live together and he could have a harem of sorts for the sake of the children? Or would he prioritise one child over the other, regardless of whichever mother had an issue with him? Personally, I'm glad that's a hypothetical situation you don't have to go through, and maybe consider it next time that you think that you'll reply to his texts in the hope of a booty call. That would be a nightmare scenario and utterly unfair on everyone except for himself.

If the neighbours are whispering, trust me it's not you they're whispering about. He's the one in bad form and though he's "doing what's best for his child" I'm sure they can see through his lies. You said he's good at lying--I am sure that's been noticed by the neighbours before now too.

You will unfortunately bump into them again, but each time it WILL get easier. Soon that pang of hurt and betrayal will become indifference, and once you start feeling happier in yourself and have more esteem/pleasures in life you'll forget feeling anything at their sight. They might be happy families now, but I wager that will only last as long as he's interested in it. He strikes me as a very selfish individual.

At 30 your life isn't over OP! We're no longer in the 1920s! Might I suggest you pop over to the Ladies Lounge forum and see if there's anything going on near you that you could pop along to? Having someone impartial to talk to would no doubt help, and having a drink with friends should help you see there's a lot of life left in you. If you're worried about people there knowing you from this thread, set up a new account to mingle with

I hope you feel better soon, stay strong butterfly xxx

dellas1979 · 14-10-2012 7:02pm

You know this man isnt thinking about you at all OP. Not one little tiney bit.
He is in it for himself!
And he is already trying to cheat on the current lady (with you and god knows who else!).

You need to ask yourself why have you got him up on the pedestal.

You seem to be one of these people who will put up with just about anything, because you are scared to be on your own (for whatever your reason-age? But shur thats just ridiculous-youd prefer to be hanging onto an ahole like that because of your age?), and will justify it with "but I love him".

Holding on to him will get you no where. You need to make yourself mad about this, rather than embarassed and upset. It should be "how dare he do this to ME". Sit down and have a really good think about it.

Katy89 · 14-10-2012 8:37pm

OP, I really feel for you.

As a thought, isn't there the possibility to move away and start a new life somewhere where there isn't the chance of bumping into them?
I know it's a big step but it might be worth it??

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 8:47pm

I guess i just feel I don't want to be driven out of my home town because of them.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2012 9:15pm

Wrong, wrong, wrong response OP, because they don't matter. YOU matter. You should be off backpacking around the world, meeting hot foreign men and having adventures. Believe me, when they're stuck at home with their kid in the small town, you'll look like the one who got away. There is no better revenge.
Seriously, you could loose the next few years of your life obsessing about these two loosers and their issues if you're not careful. 30 is young, but not young enough to waste years. Bite the bullet, move. You don't need to worry about having a house or a mortgage or a career or kids even. Be footloose, you can get all those things when the time is right. Trust me, I would give anything to be 30, childfree & single again!!! Early 30s are the best time of life if you do it right. :-)

daisybelle2008 · 14-10-2012 9:36pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

I guess i just feel I don't want to be driven out of my home town because of them.

How are they 'driving' you out? He seems to be setting you up for a mistress role, which you say you are likely to fulfill. You seem to think she enjoys lording over you the fact she has 'the prize' :rolleyes:. If anything from what you say, having you around is convenient & ego boosting for them.
Leaving would be an act of independence for you, a way to get your self esteem back, without falling into a messy situation with him.
Is the real reason to stay in the hopes of getting him back?

hopeful as always · 14-10-2012 9:43pm

ya it would be one of the reasons to stay. in every other aspect of my life i make decisions, have a responsible job that requires a certain strength but i seem to be as weak as water when it comes to him.

daisybelle2008 · 14-10-2012 9:57pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

ya it would be one of the reasons to stay. in every other aspect of my life i make decisions, have a responsible job that requires a certain strength but i seem to be as weak as water when it comes to him.

I can understand, that is why being as far away as possible will make it hard to fall back into a situation with him that will leave you feeling worse. You have been through enough for this guy and you know how horrible it will feel if he is playing happy families with her and having an affair with you. That will be him well set up, fulfilled on all fronts, with you paying an awful awful price.
With some distance and other interests in your life, you will start to see him differently. I guarantee you would look back and cringe that you entertained him. You will see him as a complete jackass, and wonder how you entertained the lies and cheating.
If you can't contain yourself when it comes to someone who has continually lied and cheated on you, then you would do well to remove yourself for your own safety.

movingsucks · 14-10-2012 10:12pm

If you don't want to move away, could you take a holiday?
It might really help you to have some time alone (or with a friend/friends but you know what I mean) away from this bull****e.

Neyite · 15-10-2012 10:08am

I think taking some time away is a great idea - bundle all your annual leave, or ask if they can give you unpaid leave instead, and have an adventure! Or even a couple of weeks in a fantastic location. And the best way is to go on your own - you can be entirely selfish and do what you want to do on the trip without having to compromise with another person.

Then you wont be driven out by them - he will be the one sitting at home with a nagging girlfriend and endless nappy changes and YOU will be the one who is just back from an amazing trip in [insert country] having got a bit of a colour from the nice weather, saw amazing sights, met great people.

A close friend broke up with her long term partner some years ago. She did South America then Austrialia where she worked, now she is in NZ working and saving for the Aisan trip she has planned. He got a right land when he realised she was not sitting at home waiting for him to get his act together. Her life is amazing with all the things she has seen on her travels, I get serious envy looking at her FB page

LegacyUser · 15-10-2012 2:04pm

OP I agree with several other posters go live your life and stop thinking about him. Forget about your age, it means nothing, I'm 33 and just come back from 8 months backpacking around Asia. I had so much fun and met so many people along the way and I can't wait to go traveling again. Sorry to use cliches here but you need to make the choice of glass half full or empty. Your not going to move forward until you start viewing yourself better. I'm from a small town were everyone knows each other and is in each others business, it's seriously not healthy, you need to stop seeing it as them forcing you out of your home and as you making a choice for you and you alone. This other woman most likely gets a kick out seeing you when shes with him and he's getting a kick out of it cus he thinks he can have you back when ever he wants. Give both the finger and leave. Travel, move to another city, country whatever - yes it's a massive step but loads of people do it, just look around boards and see plenty of people to offer advice and suggestions and alot of big cities from Dublin to London to Perth have boards forums were you can meet people to help you. If you really feel you can't do that then go on holiday, come back tan and relaxed and with a positive outlook on life. Sign up for some classes or activities - seriously think about what are the things you always wanted to do but never thought you'd have the time or the motivation and go do them. Seriously right now OP go get a piece of paper and pen and make list for yourself - pick some small things like a new hair do and one or two massive things like going sky diving and go do everything on that list....seriously right now....go do it!!!

ash23 · 15-10-2012 3:24pm

OP I don't think you necessarily have to leave if you don't want to. There is a lot to be said for the support you will have from friends and family.
A holiday might be nice, just a break for a week or two so you can quit the habit of him.

Similar happened to me and I felt like the loser in the situation. I remember the Abba film was out and I went to see it with friends and roared my eyes out through "the winner takes it all". I felt like he and she were the winners and I was the loser. That's normal. You've had your future pulled from under you and your world has shifted on it's axis. Everything you thought to be true and every plan you had made is gone.
You should grieve for that. Allow yourself a couple of weeks of misery. Cry and listen to sad music. Eat copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate and watch sad movies. Mourn for what should have been.

But set yourself a date. Two weeks from now. That is the day you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start allowing yourself to process what actually happened. Not the "what could have been". The "what actually was".

It takes time but soon you will learn that she did not win. She got a man who lies and cheats and hurts people to get his own way. But for now, just allow yourself to feel sad. It's ok, it's normal and it has to be done.

In a couple of weeks you'll be all cried out and you'll be ready to start thinking of a future without him.

hopeful as always · 15-10-2012 8:24pm

What drives me mad is that i know he's with her for keeps now, it'll be marriage and more babies. Also the fact that we would be known as a couple around town we've been together so long, so even the local restaurants and movie rental outlet knows us without looking us up. So il be getting pitying looks and whispers Id imagine, and everyone will think how noble he is-doing the right thing and standing by the child's mother. I could def get away but only for a couple of weeks, the problem will still be here when i come back tho.

HeyThereDeliah · 15-10-2012 8:33pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

What drives me mad is that i know he's with her for keeps now, it'll be marriage and more babies. Also the fact that we would be known as a couple around town we've been together so long, so even the local restaurants and movie rental outlet knows us without looking us up. So il be getting pitying looks and whispers Id imagine, and everyone will think how noble he is-doing the right thing and standing by the child's mother. I could def get away but only for a couple of weeks, the problem will still be here when i come back tho.

Are people really this sad and bored where you live ?
I think this might be wishful thinking on your behalf, most people are far too busy living their own lives to be bothered about what couple have split up.

It's not a problem if you let it go and move on, forget them think about going out enjoying your life again.
Sorry I know that is harsh but you really are over thinking how much people will notice or care.

movingsucks · 15-10-2012 8:39pm

I know its so so hard and its such early days for you but sod what every one thinks. There is NOTHING remotely "honourable" about this guy. If people are giving you pitying looks so what, someone else will have a scandal next week and they'll be talk of the town. It doesn't feel like it now and it won't for awhile but it will.
They might be together forever they might not, they might be miserable but it won't matter to you.
He's treated you awfully, you really deserve so much better.
I would still go away for a bit if I were you, it's not hiding or running away or anything like that, it'll be good for you. Even if you just want to sit in a room and cry you can do that without having to worry about going for a walk to the shops and running into them.
Yes they'll still be swanning around when you get back and it'll still be hard but it won't be as hard as it is now.

Idle Passerby · 15-10-2012 8:44pm

You wont be getting pitying looks and whispers, the new woman will because this guy is not worth anyones time.

Think of it logically. He's hardly saying to this other woman "I don't love you but I'll live with you and be in a relationship I don't want because it's better for the child". Why would any woman want to be with a man who says he doesn't love her, doesn't want to be with her and is in fact in love with someone else?

Its nonsense! I would bet any money he's telling her he loves her and your the one trying to hold him back from the family he wants to be a part of. You dont need this man and one day you will be able to see that and wonder why you wasted so much time thinking he was great.

Best of luck!

Stavro Mueller · 15-10-2012 9:10pm

How far do you live from the nearest big town? Because I get the impression that it's too small a place for you to be just now. Contrary to what you think, the people in your town are unlikely to care about your love life and you've been yesterday's news for quite a while now. However in your current state, going out to the shops and seeing your ex and his new woman in there is something you're going to have to get used to. If it's not possible for you to move, then how about starting to get involved with things there instead? Like keep fit classes, sports clubs etc. I live in a small town that has feck all going on in it so it's not too unusual to find townspeople involved in activities taking place in the surrounding area.

Forever Hopeful · 15-10-2012 9:23pm

OP,
I agree with everyone's advice so far. Its hard to hear I know but believe me we have all been through it at some point or another. 30 is young. You can meet someone at any age but when I look back at everyone I know who was left heartbroken and found someone new, the difference was, they worked hard to move on. They let the person go. Its a choice.
The only thing you have lost is the future you thought you had. How can you lose something that hasn't happened. You could sit at home, worrying about what people think (as others have said - no one cares in spite of what you think - I would worry that they think I'm a door mat for staying with him if its that small a town) or obsessing about them and their kid and the stuff they you think they are doing. What a waste of time and energy.
Instead you could look forward to an amazing life with a fantastic guy who adores you and you are blissfully happy BUT you will never have any of that if you are clinging to this guy who won't think twice about wasting your life. You could waste the next 5 or 10 years on him. Nothing will ever have changed.
I know if I had to pick between a guy who is willing to leave me for a girl he got pregnant when he cheated on me (boy that is true love!) or a guy who loves me as much as I him and can't imagine being with anyone else but me...

You deserve SO much more than this loser. You can't see it now but this will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Spend time on your own, toughen up and work on yourself and believe me things will get so good, you will wonder why you didn't leave sooner.
All the best

hopeful as always · 15-10-2012 10:03pm

I hope so. I feel its in my hands now, either I pine for what we should've had and live for his text msgs, which come regularly telling me crap like he loves me, is unhappy etc etc, completely messing with my head, or I try move on. I just hope that moving on is as easy to do as it is to say! I feel otherwise ill be on my own in ten years time and being his mistress-not a happy life.

Forever Hopeful · 15-10-2012 10:13pm

hopeful as always wrote: »

I hope so. I feel its in my hands now, either I pine for what we should've had and live for his text msgs, which come regularly telling me crap like he loves me, is unhappy etc etc, completely messing with my head, or I try move on. I just hope that moving on is as easy to do as it is to say! I feel otherwise ill be on my own in ten years time and being his mistress-not a happy life.

Pine for what? A life where you are constantly looking over your shoulder. How could you trust a guy who is feeding you these lines yet he is living with a woman who he got pregnant while cheating on you.
What he did is unforgivable.
I know its so hard to see but what if this was your sister, your friend, your daughter. You would hate to see anyone you care about being treated this way.
If you keep pinging for him, you will be on your own in ten years time and not his mistress because he's the sort to find someone new.
Don't let anyone treat you this way. He is not a good person, he is not a kind person, he is not a decent person. Don't waste your 30s on him. These are going to be the most amazing years if you want them to be.
Its the hardest thing in the world to move on but you have to want to do it.

Merkin · 15-10-2012 10:16pm

Hon I remember your recent thread on this and I told you then that it was YOU that was the "other woman" rather than this other girl whom you felt was stealing your boyfriend. He is textbook and from what you've told us so far it is no suprise at all that he has done this, he has led you on and treated you appallingly.

I do however think that we often have a choice in the level of bullsh1t we tolerate and I think you have now had your fill. This talk of texting and being a potential mistress of his would suggest that he is still sitting up on that pedestal and for the duration of time you keep him there you are not beginning the healing process. You're wasting your time. I have seen with my own eyes women waste their best years on a man whom they hope will see sense and it doesn't happen - don't be that person.

You need to dig deep my dear and find some strength. You need to tell him to never ever contact you again. You need to change your number. You need to start over and move to the nearest big town. You also need to pretend that he no longer exists - he is a toxic influence who will use you for his own gains and all the while playing happy families with the poor cow he has a child with.

As for small town gossip? Feck the begrudgers although I am sure anyone with an ounce of sense or decency will be glad for you and the lucky escape you've had. You will in time count your lucky stars when you encounter real love and mutual respect from someone who adores you. This guy only cares about himself.

LegacyUser · 16-10-2012 3:31am

The only person this guy loves is himself. He is moving in with the mother of his child. You feel that she has everything you wanted but really what has she. She is with a selfish man who is only with her because of the baby and who expects you to be there for him after doing this.
I would tell him that you no longer want to hear from him again and if he contacts you again you will be seeking legal advice.
I would start to think of what you would like to do in the next 6 to 12 months.
Could you move away from where you live at the moment to give yourself a fresh start and to widen your circle of friends? Also contact the friends you lost due to your relationship as you need to have friends near you now.
I would ask your job if you could have a career brake for a few months and go traveling.
This will give you some thing to plan and look forward to. You will see new sites, meet new people and this will get you away from the whole situation you are now in.
When your away send a post card from every new place you go to back to them both.
Each post card will remind him what he has lost and will drive his girlfriend mad.
As one of my friends says What goes around comes around.

ash23 · 16-10-2012 7:38am

hopeful as always wrote: »

I hope so. I feel its in my hands now, either I pine for what we should've had and live for his text msgs, which come regularly telling me crap like he loves me, is unhappy etc etc, completely messing with my head, or I try move on. I just hope that moving on is as easy to do as it is to say! I feel otherwise ill be on my own in ten years time and being his mistress-not a happy life.

Then take control. Change your number for a start. Once you do something proactive, you will feel stronger and more powerful. You will feel more confident. Trust me on that.
Moving on isn't easy. Not to start with. But c'mon, it's better than the misery you've endured the last while.

Neyite · 16-10-2012 7:40am

The very first step in this process is to change your number.

His texts are holding you back from moving on - which is great for him, not so great for you. So, change your number so he CANT hurt you anymore with empty promises.

paperclip2 · 16-10-2012 8:45am

Small steps OP. As Neyite says stop receiving his texts. Either change your number or block them or delete them without reading. The constant stream of BS from him is going to keep you tied to him emotionally and this will slow your recovery. Once you take back a tiny bit of control you will start moving in the right direction and you will feel stronger.

My heart goes out to you OP. You sound like a lovely, loving woman, one that any decent guy would value and cherish. That's what you deserve and that's whats out there waiting for you. Please start heading in that direction.

God bless.

Idle Passerby · 16-10-2012 9:34am

The next time he texts tell him you've got his girlfriends phone number and you will be forwarding everything he's sent you to her. Then block his number (I think you can do this by contacting your provider).

You know yourself that you are setting yourself up to accept a very unhappy life if you continue letting him contact you.

I know its easier said than done but throwing yourself into new hobbies and making new friends would mean you have less time to think about him and you'll have people around to remind you how crap he is if your tempted to entertain him again.

charlietheminxx · 16-10-2012 11:54am

I remember your last thread as well OP. Sorry to put it so bluntly but this guy is a scumbag.

You've had a lucky escape! Imagine spending the rest of your life with that guy? And the mother of his child might feel triumphant now, but he's already playing her and has no loyalty to her - I doubt she knows that. She will lose out too, in the long run.

So many other posters have made suggestions here, and I agree with them. You said you're strong in the workplace.... well then fire up that CV and start applying for jobs outside your town and get the hell out of there. Get back in touch with your friends (I think I suggested this last time), it's never too late for a true friend to be there.

Allow yourself to be upset for a couple of weeks, block his number entirely, do your shopping outside the locality until you feel a bit stronger and then move on with your life. Go on holiday! Go to concerts! Take up a fun class like PoleFit, you'll meet plenty of other women to befriend at things like that. Be nice to yourself. Be selfish! You have NO ties, you are utterly free unless you refuse to let go of this waste of space.

You need to be proactive here. You can post here and we can keep advising you, but unfortunately only you can be the one to do the hard part and cut this guy out of your life. Once that's done, things will get easier. How do I know? Because most of us have had to deal with a broken heart at some point, and I can tell you now, dragging it out just makes it worse.

dellas1979 · 16-10-2012 5:58pm

It takes him, what, 1 minute, to type the texts that are emotionally killing you ALL the time, continuously.

You are thinking of it in a "hes still contacting me, so he cares/loves me (in some way)"...but I'm sorry, it actually shows how little he thinks of you. He has got you thinking so little of yourself. Is it worth a little heart flutter here and there when it hurts so much, all the time?

I dont doubt that you genuinely love him, but the only way to start getting
back on track is to draw a line under it. Yes, its been a crappy time in your
life. Acknowledge the pain, acknowledge that it happened, draw a line, and move on.

But you have to face up to the fact (like everyone has unanimously said on here) that no lines will be drawn, no heart healing can take place, no moving forward (even baby steps) will take place while you are still allowing him to contact you.

hopeful as always · 17-10-2012 11:42am

Im truly grateful for people taking the time to reply. He spent all day yest texting and ringing, asking me to go look at apts with him and telling me he was buying my engagement ring at the wknd. Im slowly starting to think he's possibly a bit unstable, he texted till i got a goodnite, love you msg at half ten, an hour before he usually goes to bed, so i knew he was jumping into bed with her. I didnt mention that they now live in the estate next to mine-I can literally see the back of the house, so Ive put in a request for some unpaid leave to go away for a few months early next year. Im dreading Christmas and the next few months before I go, and in truth Im not thrilled about going away but maybe i may as well be miserable in the sun than be miserable here. I just dont wanna be that bitter other woman, but at the moment I hope it all blows up in their face. I assume that too will pass.

stargazer 68 · 17-10-2012 11:45am

hopeful as always wrote: »

Im truly grateful for people taking the time to reply. He spent all day yest texting and ringing, asking me to go look at apts with him and telling me he was buying my engagement ring at the wknd. .

OP please contact your phone provider now and have his number blocked!!!! Unstable or not you don't need this head wrecker in your life!

How do I get over the devastation?

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