Opinions please

LegacyUser

My girlfriend of 8 years came home from abroad in the last couple of weeks and has not been happy since. She was away for approx 18 months and we stayed together during this time meeting up one way or the other about once a month. We were so happy every weekend I went over/she came home and she was so upset every time we parted company this has really stunned me.

She basically feels ive been holding her back and she has to choose between travel etc which she has always wanted to do and me.
I have never been as interested in travelling and reluctant to leave my job as I would struggle to find a better one in the current climate but now feel I would do anything to keep us together, i don't care about anything else except her. She said she needed a week on her own to decided what she wants but I am 90% sure she will break up with me.
Just looking for thoughts on sending her below email/letter or am I better to leave her be rather than try to change her mind?

xxxxx,

If someone had told me we would be in this position a month ago I would have found it impossible to believe.
I'm not really sure what I hope to achieve with this letter but maybe it will help me understand better.

We have known each other for more than eight years and in that time I have felt closer to you than anybody else in my life,
you became my best friend, someone who I feel the most comfortable with just being in your company.
We've had our problems(mostly caused by me!) but until now I really thought we had overcome them and I have grown to love you
unlike anything I have ever felt before.

I have known for a long time that you felt you missed out on some things in your life because we got together at such a young age and
perhaps moved our relationship forward more quickly than we should have.
It probably began that first summer you cancelled your summer away in xxxxx with your friend to be with me, I'd say I was happy about this at the time
but being young maybe did not understand what consequences there could be. I suppose back then we didn't think too far into the
future either!
I really tried to be supportive of you going to xxxxx, which was a tough decision for both of us.
I had felt guilty for a while for a number of reasons and felt I owed it to you to support you. At the time I don't think you knew how nervous
and fearful I was.
I knew you wanted me to come with you and maybe we would be completely happy now if I had, although as we have learned in the past
couple of weeks a relationship can change very quickly.

I did not say it to you, I kind of wish I had, but I felt you were entitled to go travelling and experience life and some more independence as
this was what you always wanted. I was so scared you would meet someone else or would forget about me during the excitement of being
away. I really hurt you in the past and have never stopped feeling guilty about this.
In my mind I had accepted that you would meet new people and have new experiences(boys!), I was so sad, scared and sorry but knew
that I deserved everything I felt and you deserved your space to decide what was most important in your life.
I nearly ruined our relationship before I realised that you were the most important thing in the world to me and the best thing that has
ever happened to me. I am so grateful you worked hard to keep us together when it must have been so difficult and painful for you.

Imagine my relief when it became clear you still wanted to be with me after you had spent a while in London! Not only that but it
seemed we were closer than ever before, both of us realising we were completely and totally in love and wanted to spend our lives
together.
We talked about our future together, saving for a house, having children and I have to admit it was the first time in my life I felt excited at
the prospect!

Talk about being brought back down to earth with a bang since you've come home.
I don't fully understand why you feel how you do now, maybe you don't either and maybe I never will or it is just simply what I outlined two paragraphs up.
It is hard to know what to say because I know I can't change how you feel with words, but please try not to rush into any decisions because I know from experience
that sometimes we aren't aware of what actually makes us happy.

Love always,
xxx

Chocoholic84

Leave her be? No. You're 8 years together - she's as good as family! This needs to be sorted.

It's not looking good OP. 18 months is a very long time to be apart also (even though I know you said ye saw each other once a month, it's not enough IMO)

Was there a reason she HAD to be away for 18 months? Job promotion etc? You don't mention it, but if she freely decided to go herself without a thought for you I find that a bit strange.
Sounds to me like she was having a whale of a time abroad and is p!ssed off at being home with you now. Why did she come home - did you ask her to?

I dunno, it's a strange situation - but it sounds like this relationship may be on its last legs

Nody

You can only change so much of who you are; clearly you have different goals (in your case job security, stability, in her case to see the world) and trying to become the other is unlikely to work; if anything it will be even harder as you try to pretend to be someone you're not.

So instead of saying "I'll give up my job to go with her" you need to ask yourself why did you not do it before? Why would it take a break (i.e. ultimatum as you read it) for you to consider it? You know what she wanted to do yet you did not go travel with her then. Can you really do it and be happy? Will you hold it against her once you're back and are unemployed/low level position making half of what you did before a year from now? Would you be happy to start over at the bottom? What's your medium (3 to 5 years) plans? How does that mesh with giving up everything you have today?

Think long and hard on that before you take a decision like this beacuse while you love her the two of you may simply not be a match even if both of you love each other.

Lorna123

What's to say that even if you go away with her that things will work out? I would not write her this letter. She knows how you feel about her. She is not taking your feelings into consideration but rather calling you a drawback. I certainly would not give up my job for her. I would lay my cards on the table, tell her you love her and want a future with her but that you cannot go travelling with her, that your job is just as important to you as travelling is to her. If she leaves you OP then so be it. It might be very painful for a while but it would be a lot more painful if you left your job and couldn't get another one and your relationship also fizzled out.

If she is not happy to stay with you now then just take it as a sign that she is not as committed to the relationship as you are. Relationships have to be a two way thing to work. Let her feel what it would be like to lose you and then she might make up her mind quickly enough. I would not let her have it all her way. Don't fall all over her declaring your undying love, she knows how you feel and reassuring her is just making her more determined to go as she feels there would be no problem getting you back when she is finished what she wants to do. Keep your own council OP and let her make up her own mind based on how much love she has for you, not on how much love you have for her. Don't panic, this will work out but stop grovelling to her and just tell her to do whatever she sees fit to do. Then sit back and the writing will be on the wall as to how she feels about you.

LegacyUser

At this stage it is important for you to know that all relationships require give and take.
You have been going to meet her every 2nd month for the past 18 months and she is now telling you that you have stopped her from traveling.
She expects you to give up your job to go traveling with her when you have no idea if you relationship will last or what her plans are after this.
You could end up back in Ireland with a broken relationship and no job for a long period of time.
Have you always done what she wanted to keep her happy? Did she ask you to move when she did 18 months ago or did she just expect you to meet her every month?
I would tell her that you love her but that you want to stay in your job as you are happy in Ireland.

Once she hears this it will be time for her to make a adult decision in regards to what she wants from her life.
If she decides to go traveling tell her I hope you have a great time but that you relationship is over as you both want different things. I would not say this to her when you tell her you are staying in Ireland due to your job as you need to know how she really feels about you.
If she goes traveling you need to meet up with friends, join a few new groups and move on with your life because you deserve to met someone who wants the same things as you long term.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I may be wrong, but I get the feeling her mind is already made up, and she's just trying to figure out how to tell you.

To be with someone for over 6 years and then move away for 18 months without them is a huge thing. To then come back, and almost immediately want to go again, should tell you what she's thinking.

You're not wrong for not being interested in travelling. She's not wrong for wanting to travel. The only thing that is wrong here, is she is not being completely truthful with you. She knows in her heart where this is heading.

It's going to be a difficult conversation.. but it's one you need to have.

Taltos

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Thanks
Taltos