Advice required - dilemma

jobseeker999

Hi all, not sure if this should be in Personal Issues or Work & Jobs but I'll try here first. I have a dilemma!, been out of work since June so I have been looking after the kids in this time (I am male!), I've applied for a large number of roles and had 4 interviews which isn't too bad I suppose, anyway I have been turned down for all of these jobs mainly as they say I'm too senior or looking for too much money (they are probably right; the jobs that I have the experience and quals for I don't seem to be able to get a look in with). Anyway, as I am originally from the UK a couple of weeks ago I put my CV out to some respected UK agencies. Within days they had lined up 3 interviews so I went over for the first this week. To my surprise I got on extremely well with the General Manager who interviewed me, got a great feel for him and the company and they offered me the position there and then and the salary on offer was excellent. I told him that I had to think about it and would be back to him by the end of this week. On the way back to the airport I got a call from a company over here, within 25 mins of my house who wanted to see me (for a position that I am qualified in) so I went to see them today and was quite disappointed, the interviewers made me feel very uncomfortable, barely broke a smile for the hour and the general feel for the place wasn't good, even down to the office space being dark, lack of windows etc. Now that aside I think that I did demonstrate my understanding of the role and requirements and I do think they were quite impressed with my experience.
So, I now feel physically sick tbh. I may have the following dilemma. a). I keep things as are and continue looking after the kids and don't work (wife has very good job) b). If offered take the Dublin job for very average salary in a company I don't particularly want to be, or c). Take the job in the UK where I would miss the kids and would have to commute Monday morning and Friday evening.
Any advice would be appreciated, especially if anybody commutes to the UK on a weekly basis.
Thanks!

godtabh

i did the Monday-Friday commute. You wont last long with it especially if you have kids

Nody

I agree with the previous poster; commuting is not recommended to be honest and I'd take the Dublin job. Why? Well it's a job which is going to make you feel better and will make it easier to apply for other jobs; secondary to that is that you can always quit if the job is really bad. The other option obviously would be for your whole family to move to the UK but it's obviously a big step.

Eoin

I couldn't do the UK commute thing myself; I'd find it exhausting in its own right, let alone being away from my family.

Would you be travelling in your own time? i.e. a Sunday evening flight or red eye on Monday mornings?

Would your wife have to do all the creche/school runs herself? How would she manage with her job and then looking after them on her own in the evenings?

There's a chance that one or both of you could burn out doing that sort of thing.

If you've been told you're looking for too much money, is that something you could compromise on so you could work somewhere convenient that you might enjoy?

tk123

Maybe take the Dublin job for a few months to get back into the game and build up your network?I took a job 3 months ago that I wasn't sure about and hated it from day one - still do and after months of stress I told them today it's not the right fit for me and it's time to move on. I'm fortunate to be in a position where I can afford to be unemployed while I look for something else (my only dependant is the dog lol)- I may never been in this position again so decided to take the chance. The job in the UK may sound good on paper but who are you going to come home to each evening and how long do you think you'll last missing your kids? What happens when you're away and they're sick etc.

bijou

Hi OP – I understand where you’re coming from and I’m currently considering this route myself. I have been out of work for longer than I care to mention (apart from doing “bit” jobs) I’ve not managed to secure anything permanent. We live “way out west” lol and I’ve considered doing the commute to Dublin/Cork hell even the north, but it would actually be more costly than the UK commute. Like you I’m from the UK originally and the positions I’ve been looking at over there are fortunately within easy reach of family still living there, so accommodation costs would be low and the transport network so much easier.

For me the dilemma is leaving behind the kids and the other half (who fortunately is working, and bloody hard too....) and only seeing them over the weekends, but I’m feeling I’m at that “needs must” stage as like so many here, the savings are all but gone, struggling with mortgage payments etc etc, but as much as I need the finances, I also need to work and I feel that commuting to the UK may be the only option for me at this moment in time.

I’m fortunate that I have my parents here who can (and I’m very lucky to say are willing to) take over the school runs, homework, after school activities etc......

Just as a matter of interest, have you actually received an offer regarding the Dublin job??

Whatever the outcome for you OP, I wish you luck.

bijou

finisklin

Interesting scenario and a wide range of opinions offered.

The UK job offer is attractive on a number of levels that appeals to you - progressive company, really into your experience and how you can add value and great cash. Good boost for your confidence and bank account.

It all boils down to you and your wife's ability to cope if you were in the UK. There is two extremes in this as your wife will be busy dropping, picking up and keeping the home ticking away while you will be twidling your thumbs in the evening in the UK. You can either work longer hours or take up a hobby (running etc.) this will be to ensure that you don't drive your self potty being apart.

For me if the missus and support network for your family here was strong, I would seriously consider the UK. It builds your CV and makes you more employable well into the future.

I would be interested in hearing some of the other posters experience of working in the UK and commuting home. This may be on the horizon for myself..............

sky2424

Couple of points to consider.

If your wife has a good job, is it a demanding job? Require OT etc? Stressful? If so, then the UK commute may not be ideal.
I know husbands who work a couple of weeks on in the middle east and come home for about 2 weeks at a time- intense yes but its a sign of the times. But anyway in these cases, the wives arent working and at home full time. Id imagine theyd struggle to balance kids and a career with the husband away.

Has you a wife an interest in her career? Can she see herself working in this area in the future? If it turns out, that she isnt so keen on her role after all, then you could look at teh UK commute with a view to moving the family over there once your comfortable that the role and the country are for you and your family. May seem an extreme move but the UK is a short flight away and if it means a happier lifestyle, then its not to be over looked.

Re the Dublin job, you seem to have no passion for it. The description you gave of it is very telling. Im all for the 'if you can afford it, you should be happy in you job' and so Id be slow to jump at the offer. If the Uk role isnt appealing to you (although you seem to have a definite interest in the UK role itself) then maybe its best to hold off jumping into a role that youve little interest in and enjoy your time with your kids, keep looking for a job and support your wife. You could always compromise with your wife, saying youl put the UK option on the long finger for now but may need to revisit in the new year if you havent secured a role of interest in Ireland. Judging by the response you got from the UK in those few days, it sounds like you wouldnt have an issue getting a job there in the new year if thats how it pans out.

All the best

Bandana boy

I did the old commute thing for 12 months a few years back, it was the most miserable period in my career. I was doing a 5 am start monday morning and getting home circa 11pm Friday.
I found i was constantly exhausted ,and my weekends were ruined with the thought of doing it all again on Monday. It was also quiet lonely midweek being away from friends and family and it definitely put a strain on the relationship.

That said the job was a great role and played a big part in being able to get not only the role I returned to Dublin for but subsequent roles. If your career has stalled this could be just the kick-start it needs.

Do you have any kind of a support structure in the Uk ?

jobseeker999

Eoin wrote: »

I couldn't do the UK commute thing myself; I'd find it exhausting in its own right, let alone being away from my family.

Would you be travelling in your own time? i.e. a Sunday evening flight or red eye on Monday mornings?

Would your wife have to do all the creche/school runs herself? How would she manage with her job and then looking after them on her own in the evenings?

Thank you all for your time and replies, it is most appreciated. I have decided to turn the job in the UK down. Basically it just wouldn't be fair to my wife, we made a decision a while ago that her career would take priority, she earns a damn sight more money than I do (could ever do) so since the kids came along my work came second. I guess when this opportunity came along it would have suited me as I could have thrown myself right into it, I could have worked long hours without having to worry about picking the kids up at 5.30. The money on offer was good (€20k more than here) but with the additional expenses this would effectively be a lot less. I could see myself sitting in front of the TV after going to the gym on a weekday evening racked with guilt that my wife would be doing all of the parental jobs (collecting from creche, making tea, feeding, bathing, lunches for next day etc), whilst I am taking it easy. On top of this I think I'd miss them all far too much. I am in the fortunate position that her salary is so good it is not essential that I work, however I am starting to miss it. The trouble is the standard of the offer from the UK (environment, prospects, atmosphere etc) has set the bar and it's going to be hard to find anything to match it in the industry that I'm in over here!

Mr. Loverman

Question:

Your need to work - is it for financial reasons (e.g. your family is struggling on your wife's salary) or is it because you are going mad at home?

Equality

Bandana boy wrote: »

I did the old commute thing for 12 months a few years back, it was the most miserable period in my career. I was doing a 5 am start monday morning and getting home circa 11pm Friday.
I found i was constantly exhausted ,and my weekends were ruined with the thought of doing it all again on Monday. It was also quiet lonely midweek being away from friends and family and it definitely put a strain on the relationship.

This is accurate. I left a job because of severe bullying, and started commuting to Dublin. The commute to Dublin was not doable - up at 5.30, home at about 7. It is also a miserable life - you are so tired when you get home, because of the early starts, that you just go to bed. Weekends are devoted to laundry and housework. It is not a life. Family and friends are people you never see, because of the long commute.

I am currently on leave, and looking at drawing the dole going forward. There is absolutely no work where I live, apart from the job I have now, and it is just impossible to do the commute.

I think you made the right decision.

If your wife has a good salary, and things are ok financially, would you consider some form of self employment? It would be some money coming in, but more importantly it would give you a job again, and I know that a lot of people like to work, regardless of the amount of money involved. Paying S cons also keeps your PRSI record up to date, which can be important, so making even 5 thousand a year as a self employed person has additional benefits in the future.

Mrs OBumble

Equality wrote: »

Paying S cons also keeps your PRSI record up to date, which can be is important, so making even 5 thousand a year as a self employed person has additional benefits in the future.

Fixed that for you.

The amount of state pension you are entitled to eventually depends on the number of PRSI "stamps" you have. OP - if you're not self-employed (and obviously you're no eligible for JSA), make sure you register with Welfare "for stamps".

And the minimal self employment idea is good. One option: start a blog (maybe about your professional area) - build it up a bit, put advertising on it.

Equality

The thing about registering for stamps (known sometimes as Jobseekers Benefit, credits only) is that if he has been out of work for too long this is not possible. It is an excellent option if it is possible.

Minimal self employment is always possible. I would agree that it is a good option for a lot of people. There are some pitfalls, but if you know your SW legislation they are avoidable.

Tefral

You picked the right choice OP.

I am currently doing the Monday Morning 7.30 flight to Heathrow from Dublin and back on the 16:00 flight on a Friday. Its completely destroyed my life in Ireland to be honest. Its been instrumental in the downfall in the relationship with my Fiancee, its made me tired all the time, i never get to see friends, being tired turns you into a cranky fecker too..

If anyone is reading this and has the option of staying in Ireland, then do it.

jobseeker999

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Question:

Your need to work - is it for financial reasons (e.g. your family is struggling on your wife's salary) or is it because you are going mad at home?

Luckily my wife's salary is very good and can quite comfortably support the family, I wouldn't say that i'm going mad at home but am certainly missing working life. I need to decide whether I can be a full time stay at home dad or get a job that isn't too demanding. I think it's unfair on children to have both parents in excessively demanding jobs. For 5 years my kids were dropped into the creche at 7.30 and collected no earlier than 6; they were shattered when one of us picked them up, we would feed them and put them straight to bed. Now they are getting a bit bigger the older child has homework to do, it's great being able to do this with her when she isn't too tired, I collect the younger child from Montessori at lunchtime and she is full of beans, it is a lot more satisfying to have it this way. I think I need to overcome the old fashioned stigma of being a stay at home dad and maybe embrace it more.

Mr. Loverman

jobseeker999 wrote: »

I think I need to overcome the old fashioned stigma of being a stay at home dad and maybe embrace it more.

I agree. Your kids will be happier having a parent at home. An ex of mine was a Montessori teacher and I remember her saying there was a large happiness / problematic behaviour difference between the kids who were dumped in a Montessori (or creche) all day, and the kids who were there for half a day. So your kids will be happier if you don't work.

Personally if I were you I would stay at home and set up some kind of online business or project. For example, if your expertise is accounting you could set up a website called askaboutaccounta.ie, which would be sort of an accounting version of askaboutmoney.com... or something like that.

COYW

I would definitely rule out the job in Dublin, i.e. the one you don't like. Even 2 months in a job you dislike is a long time, contrary to what other people say. This will start to have a negative impact on your personal and family life pretty quickly.

Personally, I would consider the UK option, for a few months, the best to get "back in the game", if you think you are up to it. You clearly like the role and the company. Otherwise, I would stick it out a bit longer at home, if it is financially possible. As others have said, it would be a short stretch though, as the commute and detachment would take its toll after a few months.

Equality

One advantage of the job in London is that if you work in it for even a short period of time, it may be sufficient to allow you to re-qualify for a benefit payment (non means tested social welfare) if you need to leave it. This is a complicated area, as it depends also on when you last worked, and if you sign for credits at present.

Another advantage is that it gives the wife and kids a medical card in Ireland (on the NHS).

One disadvantage of the London job is that it changes the family entitlement to child benefit.

tk123

jobseeker999 wrote: »

I think I need to overcome the old fashioned stigma of being a stay at home dad and maybe embrace it more.

^^This. Forget what people you've never met think and what they say you should/shouldn't do - we spend too much time trying to keep these invisible people happy imo. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. Fair play btw - I admire you OP putting the kids first and being home with them.