Need to break up this time round

LegacyUser

I would like some input. I need to break up with my GF this time round, so would appreciate if people could set me straight. Please convince me I need to do it this time round. I know I should, but for the past 2 years I’ve ultimately been unable to do so.

This may make for some uncomfortable reading. I’ve been very honest about my behaviour and given an idea into what way I’m thinking. I know I may get bad things said, but from looking at other threads I know there’s a chance of some no-bulls*t, decent replies too.

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 5 years. We’re both in our mid-20’s. She’s good and kind. She loves me to bits. She’s the perfect girlfriend. But the feeling is no longer mutual. How can it be? What kind of loving BF:

1. Constantly imagines life as a single guy
2. Is secretly happy when she leaves my house
3. Has been involved in inappropriate relationships with other women [This involved flirting, texting and emailing rather than cheating of the physical variety. But it was on a level that would definitely be considered cheating. This happened with 2 women.]
4. Thinks of other women when he’s climaxing, every time [Our sex-life isn’t fantastic. I prefer masturbation to making love to her. It takes two to tango – but she would be very conservative, and talking openly about sex makes her feel uncomfortable. We have sex because we’re expected to as a couple and I look forward to when I get it out of the way.]
5. Makes fun of her in his own head, but smiles all the while, when they’re together [Look, this is the worst and I was going to leave it out. I’m not some kind of deviant, who gets off being in a position of power. I don’t enjoy doing this, any of it. I’m a normal guy, imperfect and prone to seriously poor behaviour from time to time. I think I do this because it’s gotten to the stage where I can’t believe she hasn’t worked it out yet. It’s cowardly and nonsensical – expecting her to figure out that I don’t like her, while I’m acting like the perfect guy.]
6. When seeing peers getting engaged and moving in together, has a strong desire for this not to happen in his own relationship

She’s got a lot of cop on, and wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t nice to her. Or if she knew about points 1 through 5 above (she knows about 6 already). But, we have a nice relationship and get on well, with little or no arguments. She’s my best friend. I should have broken up with her long ago, but I didn’t because of:

• Not wanting to hurt her
• There are times when I remember exactly why I’m with her [ultimately, though there obviously not enough.]
• I want for me to be happy with someone like I once was with her [I try to recreate the way things were. I convince myself that I’m right to stay with her. I feel unsure about leaving her go and whether I’ll regret saying goodbye to my best friend.]

But I haven’t been able to. I’m not an idiot – I know that my desire not to hurt her is doing so. The longer I leave it, the worst it gets. And I know that I need to break up with her, to set her free from someone who doesn’t want to be with her. I want her to meet someone she deserves, who will appreciate the wonderful person she is.

I was that guy once, for sure. The sun rose and set with her. But that love has drifted away, and I’m reduced to playing the part of the loving guy. I’ve gotten so good at it I can do it without thinking – I instinctively know how to react to any situation. So I guess all the mixed tapes I make and trips away I organise are pretty f*cking pointless really.

girl2

You need to grow a pair and just end it. This is so unfair on her (and on yourself) for prolonging this the way you are.

Just be honest with her - tell her it's not a lifetime commitment for you anymore and that while you love her dearly, you're not in love with her, nor do you wish to be with her. You don't have to be graphic with all the details, but be kind to her.

And for the time being, after you break her heart - you need to stay away from her. The friendship thing will not work for a very very long time.

Let her go.

thefeatheredcat

appreciatehonestadvice wrote: »

But, we have a nice relationship and get on well, with little or no arguments. She’s my best friend. I should have broken up with her long ago, but I didn’t because of:

• Not wanting to hurt her
• There are times when I remember exactly why I’m with her [ultimately, though there obviously not enough.]
• I want for me to be happy with someone like I once was with her [I try to recreate the way things were. I convince myself that I’m right to stay with her. I feel unsure about leaving her go and whether I’ll regret saying goodbye to my best friend.]

But I haven’t been able to. I’m not an idiot – I know that my desire not to hurt her is doing so. The longer I leave it, the worst it gets. And I know that I need to break up with her, to set her free from someone who doesn’t want to be with her. I want her to meet someone she deserves, who will appreciate the wonderful person she is.

Ok so you're leading on your girlfriend and pretending to love her as she is while you live lies through clenched teeth drawing out an unnecessary drama in which you have spent some time thinking about for a long while.

The short answer is just have the courage to break up with her. It's really not that hard.

The situation for both of you is going to be unbearable. For you it ultimately means your behviour and the person you are will change, assuming it continues. You didn't always feel this way and your inability to break up with her and live a lie already has changed you.

From what you've describe you already resent her being in your life, resent the falseness you created yourself but are also happy to have the convenience of a relationship as it suits, even though it is meaningless and empty. Eventually it's not going to be just her you treat this way, but you could risk treating others this way. You could end up going down the road of not liking the person you are and how you've come to be, with all the guilt of treating her badly and lying, which is really down to lacking courage to face an issue head on. Why is it that you're trying to avoid hurting her? Are you afraid of conflict or actually afraid of hurting yourself moreso than her and being alone?

Letting this fake relationship drag on and on and on is hurtful to her. Some day she will realise it's a lie. Despite your acting skills, others probably have figured it out. That will be a trillion times more hurtful for her to realise than just breaking up because you're no longer in love or attracted to her.

I do think it's incredibly selfish of you to draw this drama and fake relationship out any longer. The excuse of not wanting to hurt her, is actually about you not wanting to hurt you. She's going to be hurt the day if it continues it's all been a lie and she's going to be hurt if you break up with her. But ultimately it will be you that is hurt too, because the reality is you are preventing her from being with someone who really loves her and your behaviour at some point will hit you with guilt. You should end it immediately and leave her alone. If ever you feel guilty about your secret behaviour, don't ever go looking to confess it out of guilt and remorse when you eventually have broken up with her and seek forgiveness. You have had ample opportunity to break up with her and change your behaviour to treat her better and you haven't, you've just kept up the lie. You have to live with what you have done and cope with that guilt on your own, when it finally hits you.

Lorna123

I understand how difficult it might be for you to tell your g/f face to face how you feel, but you are hurting her all the more by continuing on as you are. If you don't have the courage to tell her to her face then you could write her a letter, let her digest it and then meet up with her to discuss it. I don't know how you can live with yourself in this situation. Best of Luck.

xXLaneyXx

END IT!! NOW!

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that thought that way about me and about our future.
Your preventing this girl from meeting someone that will love and adore her and go to the ends of the earth to make sure she's happy.
You yourself are missing out on meeting someone that will make you happy.

There are no two ways about this OP.
Just finish it. Yes there will be heartache for a while, yes she will be hurt and extremely upset but it WILL pass in time.

Do the decent thing. Finish this now and move on with your lives.

Whatsernamex33

I had to comment cuz I've been through something similiar. You sound a lot like my ex, well the things I found about him after we broke up.

I'm assuming she thinks you as happy as she is? Cuz I know that's how I felt, I thought we were perfect. It'll feel horrible to her...


Anyhows, if you feel you need to end it, end it. It will hurt her terribly, it may take awhile to move on, but it will happen. It's a suckish feeling realizing you're not making the other person happy. That's how she'll feel. Don't lie and be honest about how you feel. I reckon the reason it took me over a year to move on was because I needed to know why we broke up. I kept on wondering why I wasn't making him happy, and kept chasing after him to fix things.. which he didn't want to know. It sickened me watching him flirt with other girls. Even though you know the relationship is going to end, still consider her feelings and don't disappear out of her life until you give answers, because she'll want them. It's going to feel awful for her for awhile. Like I said, I chased after him trying to fix things, and now I fear relationships I have in general will go that same way...


And secondly, do what you feel is right. If you're not happy, leave it. Basically everything that the posters above said.

Abi

appreciatehonestadvice wrote: »

I would like some input. I need to break up with my GF this time round, so would appreciate if people could set me straight. Please convince me I need to do it this time round. I know I should, but for the past 2 years I’ve ultimately been unable to do so.

This may make for some uncomfortable reading. I’ve been very honest about my behaviour and given an idea into what way I’m thinking. I know I may get bad things said, but from looking at other threads I know there’s a chance of some no-bulls*t, decent replies too.

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 5 years. We’re both in our mid-20’s. She’s good and kind. She loves me to bits. She’s the perfect girlfriend. But the feeling is no longer mutual. How can it be? What kind of loving BF:

1. Constantly imagines life as a single guy
2. Is secretly happy when she leaves my house
3. Has been involved in inappropriate relationships with other women [This involved flirting, texting and emailing rather than cheating of the physical variety. But it was on a level that would definitely be considered cheating. This happened with 2 women.]
4. Thinks of other women when he’s climaxing, every time [Our sex-life isn’t fantastic. I prefer masturbation to making love to her. It takes two to tango – but she would be very conservative, and talking openly about sex makes her feel uncomfortable. We have sex because we’re expected to as a couple and I look forward to when I get it out of the way.]
5. Makes fun of her in his own head, but smiles all the while, when they’re together [Look, this is the worst and I was going to leave it out. I’m not some kind of deviant, who gets off being in a position of power. I don’t enjoy doing this, any of it. I’m a normal guy, imperfect and prone to seriously poor behaviour from time to time. I think I do this because it’s gotten to the stage where I can’t believe she hasn’t worked it out yet. It’s cowardly and nonsensical – expecting her to figure out that I don’t like her, while I’m acting like the perfect guy.]
6. When seeing peers getting engaged and moving in together, has a strong desire for this not to happen in his own relationship

She’s got a lot of cop on, and wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t nice to her. Or if she knew about points 1 through 5 above (she knows about 6 already). But, we have a nice relationship and get on well, with little or no arguments. She’s my best friend. I should have broken up with her long ago, but I didn’t because of:

• Not wanting to hurt her
• There are times when I remember exactly why I’m with her [ultimately, though there obviously not enough.]
• I want for me to be happy with someone like I once was with her [I try to recreate the way things were. I convince myself that I’m right to stay with her. I feel unsure about leaving her go and whether I’ll regret saying goodbye to my best friend.]

But I haven’t been able to. I’m not an idiot – I know that my desire not to hurt her is doing so. The longer I leave it, the worst it gets. And I know that I need to break up with her, to set her free from someone who doesn’t want to be with her. I want her to meet someone she deserves, who will appreciate the wonderful person she is.

I was that guy once, for sure. The sun rose and set with her. But that love has drifted away, and I’m reduced to playing the part of the loving guy. I’ve gotten so good at it I can do it without thinking – I instinctively know how to react to any situation. So I guess all the mixed tapes I make and trips away I organise are pretty f*cking pointless really.

End it. Your feelings for her are gone. If you long for the life of a singleton, do that, and cut her loose.

Merkin

Good God man, there's not one compelling reason to stay with her is there?

Breaking up with someone is never easy but in the long run you're being far more cruel and heartless to carry on a farcical relationship with someone you clearly don't love enough anymore.

I'm not sure what advice you are looking for. You know you need to terminate this relationship so I wouldn't dally any longer and just grab your balls and do it tbh. You're going to feel immeasurable relief when you do. Go to bed, get a decent sleep and do it tomorrow.

nowyouresix

Point 5 renders you nasty.
End it.
Stop making little of someone who cares for you so much.

LegacyUser

OP, you are NOT a bad person for feeling the way you do.
However, it is exceptionally bad that you are not acting on these feelings.
It's been 2 years of you feeling this way, seriously are you out to torture yourself or are you just too chicken to be single? Maybe you're just passing time in this LTR until another girl/replacement/"the one" catches your eye.
Regardless, it's not fair on you or your gf. You're living a lie& all the while using up the "best" years of her life. You don't necessarily need to marry or have children with a gf, however there has to be a strong core of what is, intrinsically, love. Which is blatantly no longer there on your side.
Please please, OP, extricate yourself from the relationship asap. It's best for you both in the end, and believe me, she WILL one day thank you sincerely for it.

LegacyUser

thanks for the feedback and honest opinions. I will take this advice on board & try to do the right thing.

ABajaninCork

OP. You can't TRY to do the right thing. You must DO the right thing.

You know what you need to do. And you know it makes sense.

Merkin

appreciatehonestadvice wrote: »

thanks for the feedback and honest opinions. I will take this advice on board & try to do the right thing.

You've been prevaricating for two whole years. It's not about trying to do the right thing, you need to actually do the right thing once and for all

Stavro Mueller

Sorry for the crudity here man but you've either got to pee or get off the pot. If you care at all about your girlfriend you'll end this now. Start gathering your stuff together, arrange somewhere else to stay and get ready to walk. This problem isn't going to solve itself and indeed, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be for you. What happens if she starts making noises about marriage and babies? Or if you stay with her and by the time you find the guts to break up, she's too old to meet someone else or have her own kids. Stop being selfish and gutless and man up for a change. There is no easy way to break up but people do it all the time.

curlzy

OP,

Don't know why you're getting such an easy time of it here. Your post makes you sound like a selfish, self-obsorbed w*nker with serious sociopathic tendencies. You "love her" eh? Cop on, you don't love her, you go around mocking her in your head constantly, it's obvious you despise her, how else could you do that?

Grow a pair, stop being so selfish and break up with her.

Best of luck to her.

Taltos

Curlzy taking a short vacation from PI/RI for posting in breach of site rules and forum charter.

We ask all posters to post constructively and to stay civil.
If you cannot do either then please don't post otherwise you risk forfeiting your posting privileges.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

I know how you feel mate, I have been in the same situation 2 years ago.

For me, I stopped finding her attractive after the first 6 months. She was more of a friend, a friend who I adored. But I couldn't get excited when being with her, I couldn't love her as a woman anymore, I was just happy to spend time but the sexual side was not there. I looked forward to sex being over the moment it started-I started to hope she wouldn't look for it when she stayed over, it was terrible.

In the end I ended it. I was truthful with her. She was devastated. I was also devastated and felt like such a horrible person for feeling this way and breaking her heart. I also hurt her confidence-terrible. I had always tried to build it up for her and now I just ruined it all. It took me a long time to gather myself together and move on, it was not easy. I still think about her, I miss the time we spent together, but I realise that it had drifted from being a relationship to a relationship of convenience or a very deep friendship. She expected more, but I just couldn't give it, and there was nothing I could do to change that...bar continue to live a lie. I was just preventing my own happiness and in turn I was preventing hers.

Also, she was turning 30, I didn't want to ruin all of her chances of finding true happiness. I was a selfish ****ard for staying with her for so long, but, in reality, I just really really didn't want to hurt her And in reality it hurt me so much too for being that guy. But when all things have passed, I can look back now and think I made the right choice.

In summary-it is not easy, but you have to look inside and do what you feel will be the best for both of you. You are still young and if anything I think it is a sign that you are NOT a bad guy, you just need to be strong to get what's best for both of you.

Best of luck <mod snip>