Behaved like an idiot - straighten me out

bouncebouncey

I was going to go unreg for this post but there is no point in bothering as it would just be further hiding from the situation. Before I go on feel free to tell me I'm an idiot, a d*ckhead or whatever else because I fully deserve it but please offer something constructive to boot as my head is a mess.

If it was someone else posting this then I'd probably have no problem coming up with advice on the situation but even having tried the old "how would you respond if someone posted this" tactic I still can't think of anything because I'm the one in the thing this time!

I'm 30 and in a LTR with my fiance. We've been together almost 10 years. She's a great girl and I love her deeply. That's what they all say I know! We live together and everything has been fine. We don't argue all the time or any of that craic. I'd say the relationship has been pretty straightforward anyway.

To cut to the chase recently I've developed feelings for a new girl in work. The thing is she has a boyfriend too. However they've only been going out a couple of months. I don't know if that matters but the more detail the better in these kinds of threads I guess.

I'd no idea if she had a clue whether or not I liked her. I thought I was a dead give away but that's just me being paranoid maybe. Maybe she noticed, maybe she didn't. Who knows. I wasn't trying to make it obvious or hit on her or anything like that.

So long story short we were out after work the other night and she ended up kissing another lad from the office. Don't hold it against her in this instance because she has a bf because he doesn't really treat her the best and it's hardly a massive relationship to begin with.

The lad from the office doesn't even like her in any significant way as he's already told me. His like for her extends as far as "I'd score her if I was drunk and thats about it" which is exactly what happened.

Now me being a f**king thick reacted like a child to this and ended up kissing another girl the same night. To get back at the girl I like? I don't know really. I suppose so but I'm not sure what the hell I thought I was doing.

So there you go. I've no clue what the hell is going on with me or what's in my head. I feel awful (as I should) and I really can't think straight. I honestly can't think in a straight line today. So I'm here looking for a bucket of cold water over my head or a slap in the face.

Am I just thinking the grass is always greener? I don't know to be honest. I really don't. As I said my OH is a great person and she certainly doesn't deserve the carry on I got up to. She'd be absolutely crushed if she knew. If she knew either in fact. That I have feelings for the girl at work or that I kissed this other girl.

She was always a bit snippy about me being around other women and never really liked me having close female friends and I guess it turns out she was right to think that way!

If any more info is needed just ask me. All advice welcome please. Like I said feel free to tell me I'm a w*anker but I already know that so a little bit more than abuse would help.

Thanks

Merkin

What kind of advice are you looking for? Although just a kiss I do think that it's normally symptomatic of all not being well in your current relationship. You obviously have a crush on this workmate you speak of (it happens) but then going and kissing some other randomer to get back at your crush? It just seems like you're a bit messed up at the moment. You say you love your fiancee - you've certainly been with her a long time. Any plans to marry soon? Have you a healthy sex life? Do you want to stay with her? I guess you need to be examining those things first and then taking it from there. I think if all was really well and your heart was truly in it with your fiancee then you wouldn't be finding yourself infatuated with work mates and snogging others. Something to think about!

Ellsbells

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coolisin

The grass will always be greener!
The best explanation is from high fidelity, it's a fantasy world and in that world the women you've fancy all wear lingerie never the underwear that has being washed a 100times.

You need to spice up your relationship yourself and stop looking at the girl you work with, you ain't single so you need to stop acting and thinking like you are.

Best of luck sorting your self out, maybe you've given yourself your own kick up the arse.
Try to stop thinking about this girl you work with in anything more then a work colleague.
Do you need to tell your fiancée about this cock up I dunno, as long as it was a kiss and that was it and you copped on maybe not I dunno.
Never really being in your situation, except had a woman jump on me once which I could explain.
Not saying I'm perfect at all but, the person you need to think about is her now!

Distorted

I think you should maybe hold back on the going out after work!

P. Breathnach

I form the impression that you don't know this girl particularly well, and that when you say that you feelings for her what it amounts to essentially that you find her attractive. I gather also that you had no thought or intention of doing anything about it. If I am right so far, then this belongs in the mindgame zone. In my opinion, that sort of thing is not necessarily a problem: I think it is quite possible to be in a good relationship and yet imagine what it might be like to be with another person, be that a person you encounter in real life or a remote person such as a film actor that you will probably never meet.

It becomes a problem when you fail to maintain the boundaries between the mindgame and real life. That is what happened to you.

Yes, you were wrong. You don't need me to tell you that.

How much of your stupidity was fuelled by drink? I'm not suggesting that you should shrug off responsibility by blaming alcohol. What I am looking at is the possibility that you can avoid further messes by being more judicious in whatever social activities you get into without your fiancée being present.

bouncebouncey

Merkin wrote: »

What kind of advice are you looking for? Although just a kiss I do think that it's normally symptomatic of all not being well in your current relationship. You obviously have a crush on this workmate you speak of (it happens) but then going and kissing some other randomer to get back at your crush? It just seems like you're a bit messed up at the moment. You say you love your fiancee - you've certainly been with her a long time. Any plans to marry soon? Have you a healthy sex life? Do you want to stay with her? I guess you need to be examining those things first and then taking it from there. I think if all was really well and your heart was truly in it with your fiancee then you wouldn't be finding yourself infatuated with work mates and snogging others. Something to think about!

Thanks Merkin

To answer your questions. We're due to get married in 18 months. My OH has a lower sex drive than I do and over time we've had sex less and less. I've never thought about breaking up with her.

For a little context the 'new' girl has been in the company a year so it's not like I only know her a week. As I've gotten to know her over time I've come to really like her. It's the first time this has happened. I've had the odd brief work crush that went as soon as it came but not this. So I'm not going to write it off as an infatuation.

I say I kissed some other girl to get back at her because I've no clue why I did it so maybe that was it. I'm not even sure that's true but I'm at a loss otherwise.

Ellsbells just to straighten things out. I have not for onei minute pursued this girl in work or come onto her in any way shape or form. I've been annoyed at myself for liking her and haven't done anything to show my hand.

As for getting in trouble with my career. 1 I don't know how that would happen and 2 no one from work knows I kissed anyone as I didn't do it in front of a crowd.

Thanks for your advice but I don't think "I kissed someone, let's break up" is even a mature approach to this. Maybe we will break up subsequently but that just seems a bit reactionary to me. To be honest I doubt my OH would accept it in those simplistic terms. Which is basically why I'm trying to fathom what's going on with me. Thanks though

bouncebouncey

I wasn't hammered by the way. I'd had a few drinks but was in full control of my faculties. Alcohol isn't the blame or escape route in this. I can't cop out on that count.

Distorted I've been out numerous times after work since I first got a job and nothing of this sort has ever happened.

Thanks PBreatnach. I do know her better than you suspected so it's not just a question of lust but your words have given me something to chew on.

Coolisin many thanks. I can assure you the person I am thinking about is my OH and how badly I've let her down. Im not feeling sorry for myself.

I haven't been thinking single. I've known that liking this girl was out of line. I never acted single either until I completely f**ked up last night

Ellsbells

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I thought I was a dead give away but that's just me being paranoid maybe. Maybe she noticed, maybe she didn't.

If you werent sending out the signals then why would she guess???

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I don't think "I kissed someone, let's break up" is even a mature approach to this

Thats handy. You dont love your fiancee enough to stay faithful to her. Whats mature about that?

bouncebouncey

She more than likely has no clue I like her and I was probably just being paranoid.

I don't think what I did was mature or anything like it but if we do break up I owe her a proper explanation as to what the hell I was thinking. After this long she would deserve, and expect I imagine, a bit more than something as simplistic as I kissed someone lets end it

P. Breathnach

Do you think you should tell your fiancée what happened? [I'm not sure whether you should or not.]

I'm not sure that you will be able to work out what the hell you were thinking: alcohol and hormones can affect our behaviour in ways that are not rational.

Ickle Magoo

Ellsbells infracted for personal abuse.

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Many thanks.


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bouncebouncey

I think this.

I think if I keep my mouth shut no one will be the wiser.

I think if I tell my OH it could be the end of a long and happy relationship.

I think not telling her and carrying on anyway might be a way of avoiding some underlying issue I can't put my finger on at the minute and prove massively unhealthy for all involved.

I also think it might, just might, have been a one off moment of idiocy.

I don't KNOW anything for sure though. As I said I can't get my head around it

P. Breathnach

A question for you to consider: will this episode have any effect on your attitude to the girl at work, or on your behaviour when she is around?

[I'm not driving at anything in particular: it's really a matter of exploring what is in your head in the hope that some clear idea might suddenly emerge.]

bouncebouncey

No it won't change how I behave towards her. I've always been professional and I'll continue to be so and be nice and courteous towards her.

It's changed my attitude towards me. I'm the one that's done something here. I'm the one with the problem and who has done the damaging and horrible thing here.

My OH and the girl at work have literally done nothing wrong.

daisybelle2008

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I think this.

I think if I keep my mouth shut no one will be the wiser.

I think if I tell my OH it could be the end of a long and happy relationship.

I think not telling her and carrying on anyway might be a way of avoiding some underlying issue I can't put my finger on at the minute and prove massively unhealthy for all involved.

I also think it might, just might, have been a one off moment of idiocy.

I don't KNOW anything for sure though. As I said I can't get my head around it

OP, I would be inclined to evaluate your current situation and be as honest as possible with yourself. You have been together a very long time, you are heading towards marriage, it is a scary thought that you would be in one monogamous relationship for so long. You describe your fiancé as a little possessive and with a lower sex drive. At some level this must affect you.

Saying goodbye to passion and freedom is tough. You haven't really had much adulthood as a single person or got to know yourself. I would say it might be more down to that and less about the work crushes or obsessions.
For me these crushes are more to do with actually being suffocated by the relationship I was in than anything else. Even if the relationship is in good working order with no arguments, it can lack passion and freedom, which we suppress. Long term relationships take an awful lot of commitment and compromise. They are incredibly hard. Not everyone can behave 100% of the time even with the best of intentions.
Don't beat yourself up, just be honest and true to yourself.

WhiteRose90

I think this whole thing with this girl from work is definately a grass is greener scenario. You say you feel bad about everything that's happened and I think you should avoid this girl whenever possible from now on. Personally, I think you should pluck up the courage and decency to have a good long discussion with your fiancee about what happened after you sort your own head out. If not it's more than likely you'll feel bad for some time knowing what you've done. After that, the ball is in your fiancees court as to whether or not she wants to try and work things out or pack up and leave. Either way I think both of you will feel better knowing no secrets like this were kept from one another whether the realationship works out of not.

AhInFairness

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I think if I tell my OH it could be the end of a long and happy relationship.

Surely you have to question how happy this relationship is?

bouncebouncey wrote: »

I also think it might, just might, have been a one off moment of idiocy.

The moment of idiocy would be easier to swallow if you didn't have feelings for your work colleague and only kissed this other random person in order to get back at her.

Have you set a date for your wedding? Are there any plans there?
Is this a pre-midlife crisis now that you're 30 and have spent your entire 20s with your girlfriend?
Perhaps you should consider some form of counselling to sort your head out.

AnnyHallsal

Bounceybounce, I'd be deeply concerned about the state of your relationship if I was you. I'm not being judgemental when I say this but you're capable of fostering what sounds like a significant attraction to one person and kissing another. Either of these would make me concerned if I was in your situation.

I think you need to decide if you really want to marry your fiancee pronto. At the moment, I don't think you should be getting married at all but it's a good bit away yet. My moral side would say she has the right to know but it could potentially destroy the relationship. I certainly wouldn't marry you because there will always be girls at work, there will always be opportunities, and if you're not ready to turn those down now, what hope is there further down the line.

bouncebouncey

AhInFairness wrote: »

Surely you have to question how happy this relationship is?

The moment of idiocy would be easier to swallow if you didn't have feelings for your work colleague and only kissed this other random person in order to get back at her.

Have you set a date for your wedding? Are there any plans there?
Is this a pre-midlife crisis now that you're 30 and have spent your entire 20s with your girlfriend?
Perhaps you should consider some form of counselling to sort your head out.

Yes I've been questioning how happy it is. I think Daisybelle might just be spot on. Nothing blatantly wrong but with deeper issues.

We have set the month and not the date.

Possibly. Identity crisis? Personality crisis? I don't know.

Yeah I probably do need to talk to someone about it. I guess that's what brought me here first anyway

bouncebouncey

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

Bounceybounce, I'd be deeply concerned about the state of your relationship if I was you. I'm not being judgemental when I say this but you're capable of fostering what sounds like a significant attraction to one person and kissing another. Either of these would make me concerned if I was in your situation.

I think you need to decide if you really want to marry your fiancee pronto. At the moment, I don't think you should be getting married at all but it's a good bit away yet. My moral side would say she has the right to know but it could potentially destroy the relationship. I certainly wouldn't marry you because there will always be girls at work, there will always be opportunities, and if you're not ready to turn those down now, what hope is there further down the line.

Thanks for the input. There have always been girls at work and there have always been opportunities but I never thought twice about it until now. While it 1million percent doesn't change how wrong it was I'd just like to point out that I've never been the type to jump on anything that moves my way. Which makes this all the more concerning.

Yes I am absolutely reevaluating the entire relationship. Thanks again for the reply

AnnyHallsal

bouncebouncey wrote: »

Thanks for the input. There have always been girls at work and there have always been opportunities but I never thought twice about it until now. While it 1million percent doesn't change how wrong it was I'd just like to point out that I've never been the type to jump on anything that moves my way. Which makes this all the more concerning.

Yes I am absolutely reevaluating the entire relationship. Thanks again for the reply

Sure, that's why I said I wasn't judging you. It's out of character, which makes it all the more serious. It sounds like you know what you have to do anyway - have a good long hard think about what you really want. Good luck with it.

Tasden

I think that as this is something that is going to impact on the relationship between both you and your oh (regardless of whether she knows now or not) you should talk to her about it. You are partners together and are sharing a life together so you should tell her and work through it together. Whether that means breaking up or working things out i think its only fair that you both decide what happens. She deserves to know and decide what to do based on the facts rather than be kept in the dark and have a decision made for her. All the best.

P. Breathnach

bouncebouncey wrote: »

No it won't change how I behave towards her. I've always been professional and I'll continue to be so and be nice and courteous towards her.

There is one element of my question that you did not address: has your attitude to her changed in any way? Are you still attracted to her in the same way and to the same extent as you were a few days ago?

It's changed my attitude towards me. I'm the one that's done something here. I'm the one with the problem and who has done the damaging and horrible thing here.

It's good that you accept responsibility for your behaviour.

My OH and the girl at work have literally done nothing wrong.

True about your fiancée; true about the girl at work in relation to you - but she was being disloyal to her boyfriend.

Another exploratory question: who were you thinking about when you kissed this third girl? And a supplementary question to that: how much did you invest in that kiss?

Micky Dolenz

Don't beat yourself up so much. It was a bit of a kiss and you feel bad. That's a good sign.

I think you need to question why you did it. Are you bored in your realationship? Do you crave some attention and to feel attractive?

LTR can be often lacking those things as people get complacent with each other.

On telling you girlfriend, I don't know. But you both need to have a chat about things to see how healthy your realationship is.

tinkerbell

I think this is more worrying than the usual thread on PI of the OP kissing a person they fancy and therefore cheating on their other half. That in itself is really bad, however you kissed some randomer just to make the person you fancy jealous!! That is seriously messed up. Your fiancée deserves to know, OP. But you seriously need to sort your head out. You clearly have a huge huge crush on this girl you work with - to say that you went out of your way to score someone else in work who you don't even fancy just to get her jealous, not even regarding the fact that you are ENGAGED - like was it worth it? Quite possibly destroying your relationship by scoring some random girl just to make your crush jealous? I fail to see how your fiancée will see this in any sort of way to agree to continue with your sham of a relationship, it's just crazy.

bouncebouncey

P. Breathnach wrote: »

There is one element of my question that you did not address: has your attitude to her changed in any way? Are you still attracted to her in the same way and to the same extent as you were a few days ago?

It's good that you accept responsibility for your behaviour.

True about your fiancée; true about the girl at work in relation to you - but she was being disloyal to her boyfriend.

Another exploratory question: who were you thinking about when you kissed this third girl? And a supplementary question to that: how much did you invest in that kiss?

I've no idea about the first part P. I'm just so disgusted and ashamed of myself I don't know. I've found that I like her annoying to be honest as I know it's not on. So I can't really answer but the chances are I haven't just stopped liking her overnight.

I was thinking 'what the f**k are you doing this for'. And I invested zero in it which makes it all the more horrible potentially pissing away all those years for something so completely ridiculous.

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up so much. It was a bit of a kiss and you feel bad. That's a good sign.
I think you need to question why you did it. Are you bored in your realationship? Do you crave some attention and to feel attractive?
LTR can be often lacking those things as people get complacent with each other.
On telling you girlfriend, I don't know. But you both need to have a chat about things to see how healthy your realationship is.

Thanks again for the reply. A lot of these are giving me plenty to think about and weigh up.

No I don't crave attention. Perhaps the feeling like someone was attracted to me has something to do with it. I don't know. I mean its never unpleasant to feel like something thinks you're attractive. Complacency could very well be an issue.

I guess we need to talk one way or another. I just need to actually have some answers and know what I'm thinking before I say anything. "I don't know" isn't really an adequate answer to a lot of the stuff I'm likely to be asked.

Lorna123

I think it is all fantasy stuff OP. It makes work a bit more exciting if you fancy someone there. The mistake you made is that you acted on this fantasy. The trouble is that you have been with your g/f a long time and have probably drifted into a boring relationship with her. Like someone else said above maybe you should try and spice up your relationship and do something different and see how that goes. I would forget about the girl in work, she is not available and neither are you, which probably makes it all the more exciting ironically !! There will always be people you find attractive even if you get married but the trick is not to act on it. I would not tell your g/f if I were you. It would not be fair on her to have to worry about this when I don't think there is anything to worry about. You are just playing games, the wrong type, so stop now before things get out of hand. You probably feel in your head that this is your last fling before you get married, but as you have found out it is not worth it.

Lorna123

Have a read of "Life Changing Mistakes" - another topic on this forum, it is right up your street !!!!

Katy89

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, I would be inclined to evaluate your current situation and be as honest as possible with yourself. You have been together a very long time, you are heading towards marriage, it is a scary thought that you would be in one monogamous relationship for so long. You describe your fiancé as a little possessive and with a lower sex drive. At some level this must affect you.

OP, couldn't this part nail it on the head?

it's sooo often that people in LTR's still love each other but the sex live is completely loosing out.

could this be the main bit? you havn't said much about it.
and the day to day interactions with each other effects the sex life. are you still affectionate with each other?

this stupid incident with the crush on the work girl and kissing a randomer might just involve the chance to open your eyes to your LTR, what's missing here and how/wheather you both can resolve or improve things.

think about it and then, if you want, talk to your girlfriend.

bouncebouncey

Thanks for all the replies. It brought home some very uncomfortable stuff. It is vital i address these things ,though, and i thank everyone for help in findinf some reason or context for my awful behaviour.

Feel free to close the thread as i won't get anymore out of it.

Thanks again