Clingy boyfriend

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my bf over a year now. I fell for him very fast, and things were great up until recently.

Before a few months back, he was very casual with me. Not as in seeing other people or even thinking about other people, but he wasn't extremely affectionate or cuddly or anything, and didn't mind not seeing me every day, or for 2 or 3 days at a time. And I liked that, because it gave me freedom. And then we started getting closer, which I didn't mind at the time. I stayed over a lot more, and suddenly we started being a lot more affectionate, openly. We'd tell each other that we thought each other looked good and started being a bit gooey I guess.

Now it's got to the stage where I kinda want to move on from that. He's got to treating me like a girlfriend, and nothing more...when I want to be treated like his friend. Obviously more than a friend, but I want him to treat me like he would a friend. I am not comfortable with being constantly holding hands, arms around each other, and kissing, when we're with other people. I feel that we've got to a stage where we don't need to do that. I never felt comfortable kissing in front of other people, but he seems to.

I guess I was never a very affectionate person. I do get affectionate for a while with somebody, but then I get comfortable and go back to my old self.

It's also gotten to a stage where I feel bad hanging out with my friends, because most often than not, it kinda goes unsaid, or at least my bf expects that he'll see me everyday. And sometimes he's got annoyed, even if he doesn't explicitly say it, if I hang out with my friends instead of him. I've told him this, and I've tried encouraging him to go out with his friends without me, but he just comes up with excuses.

I just feel smothered and babied, when I want a bit of freedom. But I don't know how to achieve this. I know he'll be hurt, and I don't know what to say. Anytime he says he'll change (with regards to other things), nothing changes, and it's all the same.

He says he is scared that I'm getting comfortable and doesn't think it's a good thing...but he's just pushing me away being so clingy.

Please need some help

ManOfMystery

I agree with you 100% about the seeing friends thing. Your bf can't expect to see you every single day, or be annoyed when he doesn't. Being in a relationship does not mean cutting everyone else out of your life, in fact the healthiest relationships seem to be those where both partners maintain a good balance between their relationship, and seeing friends in their own time. Him smothering you is never going to work.

However, I think you made a mistake when you went from being mildly affectionate to not wanting anything. You say you get affectionate for a while then slip back into normality, but obviously from your boyfriend's perspective it may seem like things are cooling between you both and you don't want him to be anywhere near you, physically. It would have been easier if you had made it clear to him first day that you're not an affectionate person and he would never have had any other expectations, but to suddenly start changing your behaviour a year down the line would seem odd to me.

You say you want to 'move on' from the affectionate stage. Why? Surely wanting to keep the affection and intimacy alive in a relationship as it progresses ...... is a good thing? I'm inclined to think you're starting to grow bored with your boyfriend (that's an observation, not an accusation) and this is how that boredom is manifesting itself - you want less time together, and less physical contact.

Have you asked yourself honestly if his clingyness is the real problem, or if you're bored with him and starting to identify 'problems' where there weren't any before?

Ickle Magoo

It's a difficult one OP. There's a fine line between being affectionate and enthusiastic and pawing someone and crossing that line very quickly causes resentment/annoyance and turns people off.

I think you have to be honest and set out your boundaries because while he may be upset that you are moving the goal-posts or aren't happy with how things currently are, I suspect he'll be a lot less happy when it all gets too much and you call things off.

I'd also be a bit concerned that when discussion is had regarding change that you don't live in each others pockets or aren't expected to live in his pocket, he seems unwilling or unable to do that. I think ManofMystery also makes a good point - one of the first signs I have that I'm going off someone is that I find affection from them cringy and I start distancing myself, emotionally and physically while every effort they make to chase me just turns me off faster - might be worth exploring if there's more to this/it's a bigger issue that just your perception of him being clingy.

All the best OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

T be honest, yes, I have been worrying that I am growing out of the relationship and it's just me. But I really feel that this is down to how my boyfriend has changed in the last few months, and that these changes I simply find unattractive.

I think I probably went the wrong way about explaining the affection. I'm not looking for a stop to affection, but a toning down of it. He was never so affectionate at the start, and then suddenly was, and I think it just got overboard. I want affection, just not so full on, and not in front of other people all the time, especially in front of people I don't know so well.

I know I have probably suddenly become a lot less affectionate, but I just can't help it I guess. Because sometimes I feel forced into showing affection when maybe I'm not exactly in the mood. He got annoyed with me recently because I didn't have sex with him even though I was dying of a cold. He is starting to take everything I do personally.

He has admitted that he is too clingy and needs to stop relying on me so much, but anytime he says this, nothing changes. I said it last night that I think it's a good idea if he hangs out with his friends, and that I've noticed that he almost never does these days, when he used to a lot at the beginning, but he said he doesn't want to and took it as me trying to make us spend less time together, when it's just me trying to help him find a healthy balance and go out and have fun without me. I guess I can see how he took it that way, but I have been kind of hinting this a lot for a long time, because there has been times when sometimes his friends will pass a comment about never seeing him and implying that its my fault.

I feel I'm ranting now. But, I do still love him. I know this because there are times when we do have loads of fun together, but those times are getting rarer.
I guess I might add that I know he doesn't trust me... A few times in the last fw months, when he gets drunk, he has accused me of cheating on him and wanting t be with other guys, even though there is no way, or no evidence for any of this. I get he's insecure, and I know how it feels to be insecure, and I know I should be reassuring him, but it's been going on so long that I guess I'm getting slightly tired of having to reassure him and just taking it that he doesn't trust me and probably never will.

FrogMarch

riotgrrl wrote: »

A few times in the last fw months, when he gets drunk, he has accused me of cheating on him and wanting t be with other guys, even though there is no way, or no evidence for any of this.

Huge red flag there, OP. My advice is to keep the level head that you seem to have right now, be cautious and continue to observe his behaviour. Just make sure you're not with an obsessive and/or jealous man. Because that ain't gonna work out in the long term.