Friend Dating My Ex

LegacyUser

I've been friends with this girl for 5 years. We had become very close. Have very similar personalities, sense of humor and I thought the same outlook on life.

Earlier this year on a night out I bumped into an ex in the pub, and as you do, I introduced them to each other. The next day I found out he looked her up on FB and added her. After a few weeks she told me he asked her out on a date. Now I am in a long term relationship, and love my partner very much, and can always see us being together. But when she asked me if I was uncomfortable with her dating my ex I said yes. We remained friends, me and my ex (although had drifted apart as he had treated me badly in the past year) and when we were together we were quite intense and some very pivotal moments in my life happened with this man. Them dating made me feel very uncomfortable for numerous reasons, including a relatively newish friend finding stuff out about my past life, and a close friend having sex with some I had slept with. My friend said that there was no way she'd put our friendship at risk, and would put a stop to everything. It was an emotional conversation, but I felt relieved. I kept my current partner completely up to date with all of this as well.

Anyway, it became clear after a few months that they were staying friends and contacting each other a lot. I knew she was meeting him, and not telling me, but I said nothing, as I can't stop people being friends. Then numerous people told me they had seen them out together in pubs and how cool it was that I didn't mind them dating. Then we had plans to meet and she cancelled saying she wasn't in my town that day, but I later found out that she was and had met him. Again I said nothing. This all happened over a few months, and during these few months she has found every excuse not to meet for coffee, go for drinks, to the cinema etc etc.

Then last week I was into the second week of my holidays and she text saying she was going on a date with him, and she wasn't going to hide it from me. I felt she should have said 'hide it anymore' but whatever. Anyway, from the goings on the last few months I knew this was inevitable. However I am hurt that not only did she not speak to me about it but she waited until I was out of the country to tell me, and told me by text. It's clear they both really like each other, and there is something between them, so let them off and date or whatever.

What's getting to me is the lying over the last few months and not having the guts to say it to my face. I don't want to lose this girl as a friend, but I know how she sees it - I'm happy with my partner, so why should I care what my ex does? I don't care what he does - I care about the situation for the reasons I explained above. I just feel like I'm being treated like crap and I don't know how to deal with it.

Ellsbells

She has done nothing wrong. She hasn't been dating him and to be frank what they do is none of your business. I think you are using the "lying for months" angle to justify the fact that you are p'd off that they like each other.

You are with someone else. It's long over with your ex and they are entitled to their own happiness. Give them a chAnce and get on with your own life and relationship.

DeltaWhite

If you cannot be happy for your friend then I am afraid you are going to lose her. Things will become sour/nasty and it will be just toxic in the end.. I understand you have a history with the ex but you have your life now with a new partner and you need to remove any bad feelings you have with their relationship. I totally agree with Ellsbells.. your friend was not "lying" she obviously knew you had some bad feelings about it, and didnt want to hurt you. There is a difference there, she was looking out for you!

P. Breathnach

Focus on this: he is an ex - not a current boyfriend, not a prospective boyfriend; he is an ex.

You have no right to expect him or your friend to stay away from each other. Your bad feeling about the situation is of your own making, and you should work hard on overcoming the feeling that anything that happens between them needs your consent or approval.

Getyourjacket

I totally agree with the above poster, you should be happy for your friend and your ex and the fact that your holding these ill feelings towards them makes me wonder are you jealous? Because that's exactly what it sounds like to me....

In answer to your title of your post 'Am i wrong', yes i think you are. You say you are in love with your current boyfriend so just move on and be happy for your friends...

username123

My friends have always followed unwritten rules regarding ex's, as in, no one would date someone elses ex. However, I do have other groups of friends where the dating is very incestuous and everyone has pretty much slept with everyone else - whatever turns people on!

For me it would really depend on the depth of the previous relationship, the depth of the current friendship, and my feelings towards the ex. If he had treated me badly and left me with a bad taste I wouldnt like him now being on the scene again. If it had been a casual relationship without much depth of feeling then I probably wouldnt mind.

Personally I wouldnt go near a friends ex because I would find it weird and I wouldnt be interested in being with someone my friend had slept with - it would put that person off limits to me prior to anything ever happening (a bit like the brother of a good friend - just too weird). Not everyone feels that way though and now you have to decide whether or not you are able to continue the friendship. I probably wouldnt be bothered with the friendship if that was all going on.

Esoteric_

I'm not going to lie and say that I'd be totally comfortable if my friend dated one of my exes (if I had had a long term relationship with them). However, I'd quite honestly support it because at the end of the day, they're exes for a reason and I'm on decent terms with most of my exes (best friends with one) and the ones I'm on good terms with are all lovely, sweet guys that it just didn't work out with for whatever reason.

I'd be a bit uncomfortable, sure, but to be honest OP, what did you expect re; the lying?

You told her you didn't want her to date him, so really, what option did she have? It sounds to me as though she was trying to see how things went with this guy and not jeopardise the friendship she has with you until she knew things were really going somewhere with this guy.

kjl

You say you are this girls friend, but why would you not allow her to date someone you have no interest in? I think you are being a little selfish and if you really were her friend you would let the two of them be happy. You have no idea what their relationship will be like.

She is a big girl and should be allowed to make her own decisions.

shalalala

IMO she has broken the rules, the rules are don't do it. If you really want then you check with the friend but you said no and that is fair enough and they still went ahead.

I love my OH dearly and I am so over my ex. But like you a lot of my life happened with my ex and I couldn't imagine a friend being with him. Makes me feel slightly quesey.

Is she a good enough friend to put the effort into getting over it for?

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know if the "rules" things apply with a new friend. I suppose the "rules" are blurry, anyway! I can understand where friends who knew both you and your boyfriend at the time might not go out with him, but this girl didn't know you or him.

Ok, you introduced them in a pub - but they could just as easily have met independently of you, and started going out together and then found out that you used to go out with him. Would it be fair at that stage to ask her to not be with him?

I know you are uncomfortable with her finding out things about you - but maybe they don't talk about you much! My husband has an ex, with whom he has a child. I know little about her. We talk occassionally about her, (obviously because there is a child involved!) but he has never ever told me anything personal about her, or things they went through as a couple.

I think she didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt you. They obviously like each other a lot - could possibly end up married to each other. I know it hurts (for the reasons you outlined) but the reality is, you can't stop them being together... and maybe they are "just meant to be"?

LifesgoodwithLG

hmmm , honestly whats done is done and there is very little that you can do about it without losing her friendship,

That said, I was in a situation where an ex who is my best male friend and a very good female friend started dating, she asked me in advance and I said absolutely go for it ( previous 2 year relationship had ended amicabley a number of years back and there was absolutely no romantic feelings on either side), it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. When times were good all was good, when things turned nasty between the 2 of them they always put me in the middle acting as mediator. I literally begged them now to do it however neither of them could put their point scoring and personal animosity to the side. I lived with the female friend, there were lots of big issues and I can honestly say that I nearly cracked up and it deeply affected my friendship with both of them, SO much so that the female friend decided that I could't be a good friend to both of them and than cut me out of her life, It was absolutely horrible,
Another friend has a rule, Don't date her exes and family and I know absolutely subscribe to that rule. Its a big world why go back ?

AhInFairness

OP have you actually told your friend why you're uncomfortable with her seeing your ex?

You're uncomfortable with the idea of this girl finding out stuff about your previous life with this man. I have to ask though, what makes you think you are going to be the topic of conversation between them? This is a pretty self-absorbed view tbh.

I have to agree with a previous poster who said you're using the lying angle to justify your anger that they like each other and want to be together. It sounds as though your friend didn't know how to tell you given your initial reaction.

This talk of "rules" is nothing but immaturity. These two people like each other and want to be together. You have a long-term partner and have no feelings for your ex so what is the problem? If your only reservation is that you don't want your ex talking to your friend about you, then with all due respect OP, get over yourself and realise that their relationship will be about them. Not you.

LifesgoodwithLG

Until the trouble starts when the OP will be piggy in the middle

AhInFairness

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

Until the trouble starts when the OP will be piggy in the middle

Why would she be piggy in the middle? It doesn't sound like she has a lot to do with her ex at all.

LegacyUser

I can actually see your point OP. I do think generally friends should not date ex's. That includes the reverse - I wouldn't date the friend of my ex! Of course, there are exceptions and I think it only really applies to long term relationships - as yours sounds to have been (as opposed to "I kissed him once so nobody else can have him!"). I don't think it's about being jealous or having feelings for your ex, but I would definitely be uncomfortable if my friend was dating someone I had once loved.

Additionally, regardless of why you feel that way, she disrespected your feelings by going behind your back despite what you asked. It seems fairly obvious that she planned to start something with him from the get-go (personally, I wouldn't be adding my friends ex's randomly on fb after meeting them once...). And yes, she did hide it for a significant period of time which adds salt to the wound. I'm not sure what advice to offer, however I can definitely empathise.

I hope it all works out for you.

Overheal

Isn't the real problem simply boundaries? By that, I mean privacy. For instance, if a girlfriend belittles one of her ex boyfriends, that's not entirely fair to the ex. Sometimes it's just none of the next persons business, for instance, how small a guy's junk is, or how he cried at such and such an episode, etc.

I think the best thing you can do is have separate conversations about both of them, about your concerns. Surely you've told each of them something, or shared an experience with one that you would rather was not shared with the other. Address that. But what you cannot do is forbid them from courting. If damage has already been done in that regard all you can really do is either be forgiving about it, hoping they stop in the future, or, burn your bridge with both of them and they'll each say what they want about it. Sorta your call. Best of luck.

Ellsbells

I certainly think it would / has made you look very controlling and a bit strange to be banning two grown adults from having a relationship. What does your bf think of all this?

Fine you may not like it but you have no right to try to run the show.

Idbatterim

a bit sh*tty and desperate from your ex and your mate if you ask me. In my social circle, ex's are totally out of bounds and it goes without saying, theres no grey area, friendship over if anything every happened between one of the lads and an ex! there are enough other bloody singles out there that dont have any complications, why cant people just find those!!!

Ellsbells

Idbatterim wrote: »

a bit sh*tty and desperate from your ex and your mate if you ask me. In my social circle, ex's are totally out of bounds and it goes without saying, theres no grey area, friendship over if anything every happened between one of the lads and an ex! there are enough other bloody singles out there that dont have any complications, why cant people just find those!!!

They didnt know each other when the OP was going out with him. its not like her friend was out on double dates with them.

cherrypie

Remained friends, me and my ex (although had drifted apart as he had treated me badly in the past year)

<--that was a mistake. Never stay friends with somebody who treated you badly.

I've been friends with this girl for 5 years. We had become very close

. <----that might have been another mistake. She might not consider that you and her were that close, otherwise she wouldn’t have chosen to date your ex knowing it would make you uncomfortable and cause a problem.

For me it’s not really a question of whether they knew each other when you were in a relationship with this guy. It doesn’t matter. You described yourself as being close friends for a few years with this girl. She obviously knew that dating your ex was going to have a serious impact on the friendship. In all fairness, you’re never going to be all going out together, having relationship chats, meeting up socially or doing couply things etc. like you might have done if he wasn’t your ex.

It’s their choice. It’s fine. Who knows, maybe they are soul mates. You can only choose what you do next. You can try to be cool about it, downgrade the friendship a bit or go nuts and cut them out altogether.

larrymickdick

hey OP - listen I know exactly what you're going through. I went out with a guy - it didn't end badly but very awkward - he told me didn't want me hanging out with them (his mates) anymore as he had feelings for me and didn't what to know what I was up to. He lived in a different area to me so it wasn't a problem - they were his mates to start with (the lads - girls were mine) but wasn't going to hang around causing trouble. I respected his wishes and stayed away.

I starting going out with someone who I was very happy with. Then my ex and my close mate hook up. I was annoyed but was pretty much whatever - I'm not interested in him - don't feel anything that way about him - do whatever you want. Happy days for everyone.

Then everytime I came to my local - there he was. Every time the girls were out together - there he was. He was my ex for a reason. He told me he didn't want to be friends which is fine but I largely resented the fact my friend had him out with her every time we went out. She didn't want to hang out in his area and he didn't mind hanging out in ours but I did. All my friends said to me "What's your problem? You have (new boyf) now and you're not interested in ex why should you have an issue about him being around??" But I did. It might sound petty but if I can't be mates with the lads - what makes you think it's ok to hang around my friends? Jog on sunshine!! And as for her - I was so annoyed at her. I just gave the whole table a wide berth and sat down with my boyf & his mates at the bar.

The other 2 girls said they felt uncomfortable with the situation as they felt they were picking sides. I just explained that I felt uncomfortable sitting there with my ex - I don't want to be around him so I'm not going to be, if they wanted to go for drinks on their own with me fine but I wasn't sitting up there with him.I gave them the example in reverse if I had of gone out with one if their ex's and he was there all the time they wouldn't like it either - nobody would. The girl who started going out with my ex- jaysus if I had even looked at her ex at the time there would be war!

Some people are just selfish and think of their own needs. You've already told her your side of things - if she wants to date your ex - let her. I would never talk about him and I wouldn't be in his company. If you can still be friends other than that - brilliant. If not I would leave them both off. If he treats ppl bad it will only be a matter of time before he treats her that way

best of luck in this situation