Advice on retired father

ilovenerds

I have an elderly father (66 years old) who refuses to take any enjoyment out of life. He retired at the start of this year and has spent the last nine months either snoozing on the living room couch or sitting alone in silence. I am really at a loss for how to help this man: he does not have any friends besides from family; doesn't like sports; refuses to read; won't join a gym or any societies. It would seem that he has given up on life and is simply waiting for death. He was a very intellectually active person during his career (only nine months ago, as I said) and his lack of schedule/interests is obviously saddening for both his children and himself. Most of all, his attitude is impeding my mothers quality of life as she is much more engaged in life yet feels pressure to spend time with him in fairly irksome activities.

Can anyone offer advice on other activities to suggest to him? Perhaps even some words which could inspire him to get more involved in life again? And if not is there anything I can do for my mother to help her?

I really am at a loss.

solerina

66 isnt elderly...just give him some time and he will probably find somethings that interests him.....his life has just gone through a major change and he needs time to adjust.

Milk & Honey

He is depressed at the loss of status. It happens to many retirees. There is an organisation called Probus which is composed of retired men. It is an offshoot of Rotary. many retired men find it very enjoyable.

ABajaninCork

I agree with both posters. 66 isn't old by a long stretch! They say retirement is a traumatic event, and very few people truly plan for it. There might be financial planning, but little life planning or coaching, which I think is a shame. It's a huge lifestyle change, and of course he'll feel a bit lost for a while.

Did your father have any hobbies or interests before he retired?

up for anything

Maybe he promised himself down time after his retirement. Time spent doing absolutely nothing. He's had a long life of doing for other people - his family, his work, his home duties etc. I am surprised that more people don't just down tools for a period of time after retiring and just stop their world for a time. I am forever telling myself that once all my children leave home I am going to lie down on the couch and not move for as long as I want, be it days or months or years.

looksee

I am nearly 66 and have just retired, and I am not 'elderly'. However I can easily see that someone who behaves elderly might be so described.

Your father is in shock, I don't mean that as a medical diagnosis, just a simple description which I can closely identify with. At the same time your mother has to be considered, she should not have to be dragged down by your father's apathy.

Would it be possible to organise a holiday for them - get them involved but keep pushing at it, don't let your father squash it. Could they find something that might get his brain going again, maybe an organised tour with a historical or literary theme, whatever they are interested in?

Could someone from 'outside' ask your father to, maybe, help with (delivering) meals on wheels, or some kind of voluntary work that would use his skills. If he were invited rather than had to go and volunteer it might push him a bit.

But if he totally declines to get involved, then do encourage your mother to lead her own life, even if it means leaving him sitting at home. You can only do so much for him, he has to make, and live with, his own decisions.

DeltaWhite

Hi OP

I am in a similar situation - my father is 60 and he has worked all his life, supported 4 children and a wife that has been unable to work due to a mental illness, and he has no friends, doesnt communicate with his family and does nothing except work and come home to snooze.

I feel the exact same as you - I feel guilty all the time and worry about him constantly! What I found though, if I saw something happening in town (eg. Tall ships back in August) I would suggest it to him and go with him just to get him out for a bit! We have a little dog and he loves bringing her out on walks, he also loves photography so we bought him a camera and he goes off on his walks taking pictures! Also found a photography course for him to do so he's going to do that

For his 60th we spent a FORTUNE on a telescope for him - he hasnt even used it yet and it's gathering dust. I'm not sure if that's to do with a bit of depression or whether it's just our crap weather with clouds etc.. He isnt a drinker which is a good thing as the last thing I would want is him spending all his time in the pub

I also bring him to St. Collins Barracks museum from time to time and cinema trips. Anything I think of I will suggest it to him. Dublin matches, out for meals, visiting family, concerts - I will always try and keep him active but as he is prone to depression it can be hard to get him out and about I know how you feel!

In your case maybe your Father may just be enjoying doing nothing for a while and not having to go to work, but the worrying thing is that if he gets too used to that, then it may be a bad thing! Cabin fever and no activity can lead to depression so if I were you I would just look up some things he likes and maybe even suggest going with him so he's not alone! Other posters have said he is probably a bit out of place now he is retired - very true but just stay optimistic and encourage him to get out more.
Good luck OP and try not to stress too much - after all he is a grown man and it is up to him to keep busy and go out and enjoy life!

phdgirl

I don't mean this answer to come across as mean - but it is a valid point. What if your Dad is just being miserable? "Grumpy old man" syndrome. My Dad just turned 60 and he is getting progressively more miserable as the years go on. He comes home from work, goes right to the tv and just sits there for hours. Same with weekends. Occasionally he would do a bit of gardening but it's always on his own. He never asks how anyone is, grouches at the whole house and just sits and sleeps on the corner chair in the living room, in the dark, curtains open, heating off.

Older men sometimes think they have a right to just switch off from life. Like they're learned enough and that's that. I was trying to have a conversation with Dad a few months ago and there was a documentary about Machu Picchu on. I said something like "wouldn't S.A. be a wonderful place to go and visit? Maybe when you retire, you might go?" to which he barked back: "why would I want to go there when I can see it on the tv?"

Maybe this isn't the case with your Dad, but I think there's something in the "grumpy" argument. The important thing is that your mum doesn't get suckered into this!

username123

I can identify, my father in law is behaving in much the same manner.

We have tried to get him interested in things, but he was only interested in work, and now that work is gone, he gets a bit too interested in his childrens work (one of his sons in particular who is in the same line of work as the father in law was feels as though he has no other conversations with his dad anymore except his dad rather aggressively asking him too many questions about his work and insisting on giving him long lectures on how best to do the job and typing up 'useful' stuff for him).

We did manage to get him to join a gym, but he doesnt seem interested in socialising with anyone there - I go at a regular time 3 mornings a week and I see and chat to a number of men in their 60s who go there at that time. But the father in law doesnt go at regular times and doesnt seem interested in settling on a regular time so he rarely see's the same people twice - he complains if people talk to him too much as well!

He seems to just be sinking further and further into hypochondria as well, pretty much every time we see him he tells us a very detailed analysis of his latest health complaint, no matter how small.

Im at a loss for my father in law too. I dont understand how a person can go through their whole life with no interests except their job. And no interest in taking up new interests now that they have the time to!

Everything we have suggested to him has been met with a 'maybe...' and never mentioned again or a 'no, i wouldnt be into that' (think Father Stone from Father Ted!).

There isnt a mother in law in my situation, but I think if there was I would be advising her to carry on living her life and following her interests, he needs to find his niche himself.

It does seem to be a common problem with retired men (as opposed to women).

Lorna123

Did it ever occur to you that he might be happy doing nothing and finds suggestions to do something annoying. This is not a smart answer but while I am not an OAP yet I have moved house and I have had so many people suggesting to me what clubs I should join to meet new people and what I should be doing that it gets on my nerves. I have joined tons of clubs and hate them all. I am quite happy as I am and it might be the same with your dad.

ilovenerds

Thank you all very much for your replies. I am aware that 66 is not technically "elderly"; my mother is verging on 61 and I would refer to her as youthful! His attitude is very much that an older person and hence my description. He has always dressed in an old fashioned way and held outdated beliefs.

Regarding "grumpy old man syndrome" my father has suffered from that particular vice for many years now. He has never had hobbies or friends having begun work at the age of 8 in oredr to help rear his siblings. I genuinely wouldn't mind if he was happy in this state but whenever someone inquires after his post-retirement life he always replies in negative terms i.e. miserable, "nothing to do". His behaviour is totally illogical. He is obviously unhappy but refuses to do anything about it. This is why I feel he has resigned himsellf to death; not bothering to establish a new life as he won't be around for much longer. His own father died shortly after retirement- a point he likes to repeat.

Encouraging him to be involved in voluntary work is an excellent idea and one I will follow up on. Perhaps it will show him how young he really is by helping those actually classed as "elderly". It could be something for my mother to get involved with too. Regarding re-activating the brain cells, there may be some events in a college near where my parents live. I will ask my brother, who is completing his Masters there, to keep an eye out for any interesting science related events. The holiday I'm afraid is a no go- my mother has been suggesting a cruise for about 5 years now.

What has been most helpful in your replies is to know that my father is not the only person gong through this. And from a rather selfish view point that I am not alone in experiencing these feelings of guilt and sorrow.

My thanks again.

username123

ilovenerds wrote: »

Regarding re-activating the brain cells, there may be some events in a college near where my parents live. I will ask my brother, who is completing his Masters there, to keep an eye out for any interesting science related events.

If they happen to be in Dublin, the science museum in Trinity College often has fun science exhibitions to visit.

LegacyUser

I had a dad who was in a very similar situation, on occasions he can still slip back. However it changed for the better when a distant relation called one evening unexpectedly to my father and said he was going playing cards in one of the local pubs/halls...would he like to come. We were shocked to see him go. All he needed was that push, helping hand, confidence to go with someone. From that night on, he never looked back and has been playing every week, going off on his own, the relation only went twice !

He was also very overweight, he had no confidence to go out walking or join a gym. So I thought of getting a personal trainer (who had to be a similar character to my father, this was most important, ) to call to the house letting on he was selling gym membership for a bargain! My father being gullable- it worked. He joined the gym the next morning and ended up losing 3 stone!!! Again, we were shocked. He became more confident, happier and just loved all the compliments.

It is so hard to accept a parent as they are when they seem to give up on life.

I really hope in some way you can help your father. Or better still, he can find ways to help himself. You're very good to care. I hope my advice may help or give you some idea.

Best of luck

CC

amtc

My mam retires in exactly 10 weeks time at 65, she is sick of people asking her what is she going to do?! She says she just wants freedom. Her opinion is she doesn't have to take up anything but just get 'me time'. She has plenty of friends, but also says that if she just wants to stick watching Jeremy Kyle that's what she's doing - and in her dressing gown all day. That said, out of the last 3 Fridays I've picked her up from dos in town. She's just had a week off and was out all day every day.

My dad is 74, still dresses in a suit and tie every day....he doesn't really go out, and I would have much more fear about him than I would about my mam. It's not coincidence that amongst family he is referred to as Victor Meldrew. He scours the paper and rip.ie for deaths every day, and (as my job is not that secure) told me on the phone that jobs were not around - exactly what I wanted to hear.

What's ironic is that when I was younger, my mam was stuck at home and my dad was always out. Mam's asked my dad to go on holidays etc. he just doesn't want to - happy in the garden (in his suit and tie), does my ironing, does the food - he just doesn't need a social life like my mam does. Mam has lots of sisters and brothers abroad and speaks to all every few days as do I and my cousins, my dad has two here and never sees them - it's just different for different people.

Lorna123

Exactly what I was trying to say AMTC. Older people know what they want and how to do it if they want to, so forget about trying to get them to do things, they will do whatever they want. If they ask you for advice then that's different but leave them alone would be my advice. Young people need to be on the go all the time but older people are happy in their own company. They don't want to be gallivanting around and going on holidays etc., now some do but others dont. So leave well enough alone, and stop worrying that they are not happy, they are. Also, they love complaining so don't take it at face value.

looksee

Lorna, I understand what you are trying to say, and at some levels I agree with you. However older people are not a different species and there is still scope for helping them get the best out of life.

I agree that not everyone wants to go gallivanting around the place, but there is a difference between someone who is obviously happy and satisfied to potter around the house and garden and someone who is doing the zombie act, sitting in a chair all day. And even then, sometimes there is nothing you can do, but no harm trying.

Hannibal Smith

Golf! My dad retired last year, took up golf and is out 3 days a week in all weathers. He gets talking to lots of different people and its doing wonders for his heart.

It's driving my mother nuts too, so bonuses all round!

username123

Lorna123 wrote: »

Exactly what I was trying to say AMTC. Older people know what they want and how to do it if they want to, so forget about trying to get them to do things, they will do whatever they want. If they ask you for advice then that's different but leave them alone would be my advice. Young people need to be on the go all the time but older people are happy in their own company. They don't want to be gallivanting around and going on holidays etc., now some do but others dont. So leave well enough alone, and stop worrying that they are not happy, they are. Also, they love complaining so don't take it at face value.

Broadly I agree, but I think when you know a family member its important to notice negative changes that could signal depression and try to help. My own father in law is not a happy man. Unfortunately we cannot make him happy, but we do keep an eye on him and gently encourage him and some things have definitely helped. But its not healthy to go from bed to couch and naps in between and stare off into silence for months on end.