Break up

Thick As A Brick

Apologies for the poor writing in this and lack of details, I'm just trying to set a general outline of what happened. I'll give details later if asked.


A couple of months ago my ex and I ended a 5 year relationship. While the love was there and still is, we just drifted apart and it was really getting us down as we couldn't afford to live together, get together regularly and lived pretty far apart.

So one weekend I asked her to visit me where I was living(very isolated area) so we could talk. We did, it was a great talk, we both agreed that couldn't keep going through the motions just because of what we had and needed to move on with our lives. We also agreed to keep in contact because..well, we just loved talking to eachother and making eachother laugh. No reason to stop that.

Fast forward to last month, all is going well, I get a text in the wee hours of the morning from her asking for a phone call. I'm up anyway so I'm happy to ring and listen to her drunken stories, during the call I overhear someone shouting "C'mon, the cab is here!! Houseparty!!". I take that as my cue and wish her a great night and she seems shocked, like she feels I'm trying to get rid of her, but hangs up anyway. Fast forward an hour and I get a text saying "Sorry if I crossed a line, we didn't make any rules". I'm thoroughly bewildered at this and reply,"Rules for what?".

I've yet to recieve a reply and I'm wondering what anyone makes of this?

ANXIOUS

Make take on that would be that She hooked up with someone I'd say she was just ringing to try and make you jealous.

Buncha Fives

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Make take on that would be that She hooked up with someone I'd say she was just ringing to try and make you jealous.

+1; she was probably trying to make you jealous especially because she was put out that you terminated the conversation she might not of been with a guy at all. Alternatively... phone calls during the night may not have been the norm for you two since you broke up and she might have thought that you ended the conversation early because you wanted to go back to bed and she was kind of appologising.

DangerMouse27

"The love was there and still is"

It sounds toxic. And your idyllic scenario is obviously not working if you felt like putting down the phone after you heard the words, house party. These texts are stirring feelings for you anyway and thats normal. Women operate on different levels mate, just because you feel this super amazing connection still, im fairly sure she just sees you as a friend, a non threatening non sexual entity like a brother.

Take care man.

Roisy7

I don't know if she'd hooked up that night or not.

My take on it would be she was feeling a bit sentimental, a bit like, "**** him, I'll show him I'm moving on with my life" and that's what was behind it. Coupled with drink of course.

Anyway, I'd cut contact for your own sanity. It's not healthy to keep raking over dying coals and you're upsetting each other. Maybe one day in the future ye can be friends, but not now. Neither of ye can move on in the current situation.

Good luck OP x

SunnyDub1

TBH op, IMO friendships between ex's don't and never work. No matter what the situation is. You can end a relationship on good terms but to stay in touch through several contact, texts calls etc ?? what was the point in splitting up?

It sounds like she was possible trying to make you jealous. Ringing you while drunk, knowing she was heading to a party. Could she not have told her drunken stories to a friend she was out with as appose to ringing you

Do you really want to know of or hear stories of every time she is out partying and scoring....I think the only rules to be made here is to cut all contact

AnonoBoy

She was drunk and called you because she wanted to feel needed or something. Then when you sensibly didn't drag the conversation out she got a bit paranoid that you were over her or something.

Typical head-wreckig stuff that guys and girls do after breakups.

Don't over-analyse it.

Try not to get roped into phonecalls with her.

HeyThereDeliah

I don't get where other posters are seeing she is trying to make him jealous, I see her being the jealous one.
She phoned him and got the impression he did not want to talk to her.

OP! Did ye have an agreement no drunk calls? No long calls etc?

Herrick

I don't see anything about trying to make him jealous?

Sorry if I crossed a line, we didn't make any rules"

I think what happened is she thought you didn't want to talk to her and that she was out of line calling you seeing as you both are broken up. You both may have said that you will keep in touch but lets face it, 99% of the time these scenarios fizzle out after the odd chat and you don't talk again.

I'd bet money she thinks you've no interest in talking, that she shouldn't have called and prob felt she was putting you out, hence crossing a line. Then the we didn't make any rules is prob that you both never mentioned a no contact rule.

Halo Kitty

Why don't you ring her and explain how you are bewildered about the term "rules" Forget about a text.. drive yourself nuts waiting for a reply. I think lady missed you on the night and wanted to hear your voice and when you hung up she may have felt rejected and alone..Letting 5 yrs pass can be difficult especially if ye were / are in love...

Idle Passerby

Herrick wrote: »

I don't see anything about trying to make him jealous?



I think what happened is she thought you didn't want to talk to her and that she was out of line calling you seeing as you both are broken up. You both may have said that you will keep in touch but lets face it, 99% of the time these scenarios fizzle out after the odd chat and you don't talk again.

I'd bet money she thinks you've no interest in talking, that she shouldn't have called and prob felt she was putting you out, hence crossing a line. Then the we didn't make any rules is prob that you both never mentioned a no contact rule.

Yeah that's what it sounds like to me. From your first post it seemed a mature break up. I'd say she was tipsy and felt like chatting to you. She probably didn't realise you could hear the house party talk in the background. She probably thinks she crossed a line by calling.

It doesn't seem like you had a problem with her calling or being on a night out so Id just text her back saying what you've said here, that you heard she was out with friends and didn't want to hold her up.

Its so easy with these 'lets stay friends' break ups to get complicated, wanting to be friends isn't the same as actually being friends. I hope it does work out ok for you both because it sounds like you've got your head screwed on.

Thick As A Brick

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Make take on that would be that She hooked up with someone I'd say she was just ringing to try and make you jealous.

While that is possible, I don't think that was the case that night. She long ago gave up trying to make me jealous because I never paid any attention to mind or power games.

Buncha Fives wrote: »

+1; she was probably trying to make you jealous especially because she was put out that you terminated the conversation she might not of been with a guy at all. Alternatively... phone calls during the night may not have been the norm for you two since you broke up and she might have thought that you ended the conversation early because you wanted to go back to bed and she was kind of appologising.

Late night/early morning phone calls were the norm(every fortnight or so). I never had a problem with them and as far as I'm aware of, neither did she as I'd sometimes ring her on a night out past 3 am and I'd get a text the next afternoon along the lines of "You were really drunk last night, thanks for ringing though, it was fun". As for ending the call early, it's just something I do if I hear someone being called.

I do get that she was apologising, but It was never something that I felt an apology was in order for.

DangerMouse27 wrote: »

"The love was there and still is"

It sounds toxic. And your idyllic scenario is obviously not working if you felt like putting down the phone after you heard the words, house party. These texts are stirring feelings for you anyway and thats normal. Women operate on different levels mate, just because you feel this super amazing connection still, im fairly sure she just sees you as a friend, a non threatening non sexual entity like a brother.

Take care man.

Toxic sounds a bit extreme, but I kind of get where your coming from. Yes, the reason I decided to end the call was because I heard she was going to a houseparty, but not because I didn't want to hear about it. It was more of a "Have a great night and I'll talk to you later" deal. Hmm, I beginning to see how that could of been taken as "I'm done talking with you".

I did go through a mixed bag of emotions when we ended it and until this thing arose, I was done with them, all packed away. I know how I feel about her, however she feels doesn't bother me and I don't want or expect anything to happen because this is honestly the best thing for both of us is. I'm content with this, however now I just want to know what the bloody hell is going on?!!

Sadly answers aren't forthcoming, I sent her a text 2 weeks ago asking whether we were talking or not, no reply so I'm prone to agreeing with ye on just being done with it.

Roisy7 wrote: »

I don't know if she'd hooked up that night or not.

My take on it would be she was feeling a bit sentimental, a bit like, "**** him, I'll show him I'm moving on with my life" and that's what was behind it. Coupled with drink of course.

Anyway, I'd cut contact for your own sanity. It's not healthy to keep raking over dying coals and you're upsetting each other. Maybe one day in the future ye can be friends, but not now. Neither of ye can move on in the current situation.

Good luck OP x

Agreed, however I did feel we were moving on with life, as much as is possible anyway. Time to break the ties that bind methinks.

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

TBH op, IMO friendships between ex's don't and never work. No matter what the situation is. You can end a relationship on good terms but to stay in touch through several contact, texts calls etc ?? what was the point in splitting up?

It sounds like she was possible trying to make you jealous. Ringing you while drunk, knowing she was heading to a party. Could she not have told her drunken stories to a friend she was out with as appose to ringing you

Do you really want to know of or hear stories of every time she is out partying and scoring....I think the only rules to be made here is to cut all contact

It was a "If you love them, set them free" kind of thing. We both felt constrained and had to do something about it, like many ideas, staying in touch seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's not that I wanted to or not, I was just happy talking to her much like I am with late night phone calls from my friends.

AnonoBoy wrote: »

She was drunk and called you because she wanted to feel needed or something. Then when you sensibly didn't drag the conversation out she got a bit paranoid that you were over her or something.

Typical head-wreckig stuff that guys and girls do after breakups.

Don't over-analyse it.

Try not to get roped into phonecalls with her.

Well, I am over her and while I still care for her stupidly deeply, us in a relationship again is not something that I see working out so I just don't feel the need to try make it happen. It's a waste of time, effort and emotion.:( Sometimes the truth sucks ass.

I don't think contact with her is going to be an issue from here on out.

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I don't get where other posters are seeing she is trying to make him jealous, I see her being the jealous one.
She phoned him and got the impression he did not want to talk to her.

OP! Did ye have an agreement no drunk calls? No long calls etc?

Jealousy never really featured heavily in the relationship, it's hard to see it happen now especially since there's nothing or no-one for her to be jealous of. It's not that I'm still hung up on her and can't see myself with anyone but her, it's just, I don't feel the need to be with anyone at the moment.

We didn't really see the need for an agreement, it seemed way too official, you may call during business hours only or something. We'd just call and talk whenever we wanted for however long we wanted or could.

Herrick wrote: »

I don't see anything about trying to make him jealous?



I think what happened is she thought you didn't want to talk to her and that she was out of line calling you seeing as you both are broken up. You both may have said that you will keep in touch but lets face it, 99% of the time these scenarios fizzle out after the odd chat and you don't talk again.

I'd bet money she thinks you've no interest in talking, that she shouldn't have called and prob felt she was putting you out, hence crossing a line. Then the we didn't make any rules is prob that you both never mentioned a no contact rule.

We split in Feb this year and up until last month, the calls were a fairly regular occurrence so I'm not too sure on how safe your money is:D

Again, we didn't feel the need to have a limit on how much contact we could have.

Halo Kitty wrote: »

Why don't you ring her and explain how you are bewildered about the term "rules" Forget about a text.. drive yourself nuts waiting for a reply. I think lady missed you on the night and wanted to hear your voice and when you hung up she may have felt rejected and alone..Letting 5 yrs pass can be difficult especially if ye were / are in love...

Ringing her may work, though there's no guarantee that she'll answer the phone or question. I'll have to think about that.

I'm not going nuts waiting on a reply, what she does or doesn't do isn't up to me so worrying about a text will come or not seems pointless to me.

She does get overly emotional while drunk(feel like a dick saying that and this) so the rejected and alone scenario sounds fairly plausible although it doesn't explain the communication breakdown.

It was difficult to let it go, but staying together while we felt the same way was much more painfull and reliving old memories in the vain hope that it could be the same didn't get us anywhere. That was one of the reasons we wanted to stay in contact, we both knew it would be hard and just wanted to be there foe eachother in case our resolve started to falter. Reading that, it just sounds like it was the blind leading the blind. More food for thought.

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Yeah that's what it sounds like to me. From your first post it seemed a mature break up. I'd say she was tipsy and felt like chatting to you. She probably didn't realise you could hear the house party talk in the background. She probably thinks she crossed a line by calling.

It doesn't seem like you had a problem with her calling or being on a night out so Id just text her back saying what you've said here, that you heard she was out with friends and didn't want to hold her up.

Its so easy with these 'lets stay friends' break ups to get complicated, wanting to be friends isn't the same as actually being friends. I hope it does work out ok for you both because it sounds like you've got your head screwed on.

It felt like a mature break up at the time, now I feel like a clean break may have been the better choice. I'm ok with the whole splitting up thing but this complication just seems unnecessary and childish.

Ringing her and setting out some form of contact arrangement sounds like the plan of action for tomorrow.

Many thanks to everyone, your input has helped greatly.

Lorna123

Is there any chance that she wasn't going to that party that night and that others in the same house were going and you just assumed she was being called ?
This would lead me then to believe that she was ready to have a long chat with you but you cut her off and so she was taken back and lead to believe that you were tired of these phone calls. Just my two cents worth. Why would she set about making a call to you if she was waiting for a taxi to go to a party? She would know there wouldn't be enough time to chat.

dellas1979

I dont think she is over you (or was over you).

Bottom line.

And through ending the call, in a "shur off you go now enjoy yourself, bye" carefree kind of way as you would do a friend, she has come to realise that.

She texted you the boundaries thing to test your boundaries.

As I would see it, she realises now she needs her own space/time to get over you/clear her head.